And now for a comic that needs no introduction. The winner of "Last Comic Chatting"--Boom
Before I begin, I would just like to give a little shout to my friends and family.
AAAAHHH!
Online comedy is a little different than stand-up. There are just some things you can't do in online comedy. You see stand up comics say things like: "Hey its great to be here in the great city of Los Angeles!" Or "Let me hear it New York!" Well, "Are you excited citizens of server number 010011.508!" You hear things like stand up comics going on tour--for me that's easy: Just last week I visited 15 chat rooms. Doing online stand up is pretty rough. As a comic I never see my wife or kids. Its probably because my wife divorced me and I don't actually have any kids. Sadly though, I don't think my dog appreciates my humor.
On the note of appreciating humor, comics often perform in bars, clubs and other places where they serve alcohol. The idea is that a few drinks will loosen up the crowd and generally the comedian does better. Where comedians should be performing is in hospitals. Who needs liquor to loosen up a crowd when you have Loritab and laughing gas.
Another difference between online comedy and in person stand up is that "in person" you are able to see the person. You have some idea of what to expect. The next comic walks on stage, its a Hispanic transvestite leprechaun--you KNOW what he's going to be making jokes about. Its ok though--he is a Hispanic transvestite leprechaun she can make fun of them like that. the rest of us couldn't but she can. Me, you have no idea who I am, which group I am going to mock and ridicule. I have to introduce myself first. I am a mathematician approaching 26 from the left. I represent the underprivileged inner suburb white protestant middle class male not in politics. Its ok though I can make fun of white middle class males I am one. This economy is so hard I had to pretend I was part of the GOP just to get an interview.
There is an upside to online comedy though--Not as much fruit thrown at you. Though last week someone posted a comment that said tomato.
Thank you and goodnight. Start autosaving.
Showing posts with label Bad Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Saturday, December 18, 2010
n^2+1 Scholarly Puns
1. What do academics wear around their necks?
A s-collar
2. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has a boat called NOAA's arc.
3. What do you call a crescent shaped jail for scholars?
Sickle cell academia
4. What do scientists keep to record their public thoughts?
A scientific journal
5. Was the work on Barlett's Pear Reviewed?
6. Where do you house falsehoods?
In a Lie-brary
7. Where can you find stores of calcium hydroxide?
In A Lie-brary
8. Where do you read about thorns?
In a Li-briar
9. Are the works of urologists peer reviewed?
10. I like to buy my moduli in bulk.
11. Newton said to Young don't stress. (A Newton is a unit of force and another name for how easily a beam will bend is the bulk or Young's modulus ergo they are talking about strain).
There a brief dose of puns as per Tim's suggestion of just doing 10.1 puns ten times. The problem with this is the law of large numbers doesn't set in. Oh well enjoy.
A s-collar
2. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has a boat called NOAA's arc.
3. What do you call a crescent shaped jail for scholars?
Sickle cell academia
4. What do scientists keep to record their public thoughts?
A scientific journal
5. Was the work on Barlett's Pear Reviewed?
6. Where do you house falsehoods?
In a Lie-brary
7. Where can you find stores of calcium hydroxide?
In A Lie-brary
8. Where do you read about thorns?
In a Li-briar
9. Are the works of urologists peer reviewed?
10. I like to buy my moduli in bulk.
11. Newton said to Young don't stress. (A Newton is a unit of force and another name for how easily a beam will bend is the bulk or Young's modulus ergo they are talking about strain).
There a brief dose of puns as per Tim's suggestion of just doing 10.1 puns ten times. The problem with this is the law of large numbers doesn't set in. Oh well enjoy.
Friday, July 09, 2010
Post sortings and the value of math
So I haven't posted in a while. No kidding Sherloxx I hadn't noticed, is probably what you are thinking. I would just like to gloat about some of the spam I rejected today--some of it is pretty funny. I got an invitation to premier in Bollywood, India and also to premier as a Jewish comic in a New York Comedian brokerage. Other fun comments that got the boom official stamp of rejection of course the regular male enhancers, and "Thank you. You speak as well words you helped me on my college assignment." Then of course the investment blowhard who was trying to smoothly tie in his website with phrases like let me just follow-up on that with a brief discourse about high yield portfolios yeah like that's the stuff I talk about on my blog. My favorite was the random spam about gooey ducks (a variant of this spelling is a type of clam known as the phallus worm--And with a word like phallus in my posts I'll be curious to see what type of search bots I attract now--not.) Other random spam bots include a 2012 world's going to end so bury your hummers now and join the Hare Krishnas nut. Someone wanted me to sell 210 pounds of shoes. My 101 Cheese jokes got a blue cheese wholesaler. And I received an ad for an electronic environmentally friendly cigarette. Oh then there's the Scandinavian boat auction or how about physics replica rolex professors and archimedes sh"replica Rolexes!" Nor can I forget the black hat illegal online marketing either or the professional do it yourself psychiatric help bookseller. I don't get any of it. But none of this was actually the reason I actually posted tonight. The real reason is I wanted to brag about my latest mathematical escapades.
I got paid $65 to do an integral--9 of them actually. The aquarium was conducting a summer camp and wanted to know the bite pressure of a macaw and therefore needed to know rather precisely the surface area of a collection of nuts. It got awkward rather awkward when people asked what I was doing measuring my nuts--sorry. Take math it pays and apologies again about the last line. Enjoy.
I got paid $65 to do an integral--9 of them actually. The aquarium was conducting a summer camp and wanted to know the bite pressure of a macaw and therefore needed to know rather precisely the surface area of a collection of nuts. It got awkward rather awkward when people asked what I was doing measuring my nuts--sorry. Take math it pays and apologies again about the last line. Enjoy.
Friday, February 20, 2009
I love you Charla!
I gotta say, I my experience in college has been really great! I met the love of my life--Ochem. J/K just kidneying. Seriously though, ochem is weird. There is almost a social status with how many times you fail that class. Hey man, it took me THREE times to pass ochem. Woah! Ah, that's nothing--5. 12. What up, who's the man now huh? Me--I feel like a freakin idiot I only got a C the FIRST time I took it--and that was in the summer & I got married! Personally, I would recomend that to EVERYONE!! Even you. Not the married part--the ochem, especially in the summer (kidding, I Love you Charla!). Personally, I think they should teach ochem in high school. I mean seriously--The ONLY way to pass that class is if you are young, single, out of a job, no TV, no chance of a date and don't have many friends--high school. The last person I know who passed ochem, won a Nobel prize that same year. And the worst part, no ever, ever, EVER gets an A in that class. Not even the guy who sits second row, not the first because he wants to maintain constant eye-contact with the professor the whole time. You know the one--Oxidative carboxylation YES! YES! OH YES! Anerobic deamination O! YES!! Yeah, he got a B. Even the professor, the one who teaches ochem even he didn't gett an A in the class--in fact even he hates it. The only reason he's teaching it is he is one of three people on staff who actually passed let alone took ochem. Yeah C- at best--he's teaching because it pays the bills and he failed out of med-school. But me, I'm different--I love ochem--HA HA HA HA! Sorry that was hard to say with a straight face. Actually I love ______ (insert name here) HA HA HA HA! Sorry that was hard to say with a straight face.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
My Stand Up Comedy Debut
So Yesterday, January 18th 2008, I successfully performed in my stand up comedy debut. I pulled of my routine flawlessly, except the one time in my life where I publicly NEED to lick my elbow, I couldn't do it. I also could not remember the word Alzheimers. I didn't win. I did get 4th place though. ANd the one who won needed a new transmission so life worked out well. I am still an excellent practicioner of dontopedology--The science of opening my mouth and sticking my foot in it. I said some really stupid things afterward that probably cost me, but as far as the performance itself, I got at least one laugh on every joke and had no complaints afterward. It went really well. And for viewing pleasure, just in case you missed my performance, here's a transcript (Sadly No YouTube links :(
"So I just applied for a job. In the interview they asked what special skills I had. I told them I can lick my nose, I can lick my elbow [It took me two tries] and I can poke my head through a hole the size of a quarter [pokes head]. Yea, sadly, I didn't get the job. It got outsourced to India. So I decided I would go to college and get me some more skills. My trip started with a visit to the councilors. They said I might even consider studying abroad. I said, "Broad Based Education, does that mean I can study GIRLS!?! And if I get to study a broad do I get to pick wich one?" I decided I would start with the place where all the action was. I went to Institute. Great classes there. Contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a really diverse state. We have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in blue shirts, and even Mormons in green shirts. When I first came here we had a choice of Four churches I could have gone to. The first ward, the second ward, or the singles ward. In those institute classes, We talked about morals--Roman Emporers have the most morals they are on the straight and Nero. We talked about drugs--Hiding opiates in your bicycle is considered drug pedalling. We even mentioned why people go to the gym--its to get their demons excercised. ya gotta be careful though if you don't pay your excorcist you may get repossessed. But the big thing they talked about in institute is Dating and Marriage. So, I got me a girl friend. She's a real looker. SHe's a girl with one eye, named Wanda, her other eye is named Fred. She was a pre-med major. She said she wanted to stay up all night studying anatomy with me. I got really excited about that, until I found out she really meant the book. I think she had OCD though. Everytime I told here she had obsessive compulsive dissorder she told me No she didn't she had CDO it is in alphabetical order that way. She also had a wooden leg, but sadly we broke it off. Too much drama--It was her minor. Her specialty was pantomime {I actually forgot to say that last line so the upcoming punchline died, but strangely enough people still laughed.} she just couldn't think outside of the box [mimed a glass box]. But her rendition of a chicken crossing the road---shear poultry in motion. Speaking of Poetry My English class was really great. Except the first day of class she was late she said she had to stop and change a satire. Later she told us that while reading romantic poetry we had to be very Thoreau. We read some really great books in that class though. Phone Book: the musical, the how to guide for Do it yourself Colonoscopies, Effective Parenting, by B. Spears with a foreward on how to entertain young boys by Michael Jackson. We even read a really good one "101 pranks you can play on the mob". But my favorite book was one that had action adventure, drama, excitment, mystery, intrigue, suspense and antidisestablismentarianism. The dictionary. It was reading the dictionary that got me my latest hobby, coming up with alternative definitions to well known words. One I came up with was an alternative definition for acupressure. Its means how to deal with pressing demands. The academy Awards is praising people for not being themselves. A bra is a fallout shelter, a topless beach is a place with no strings attached. I even found a recipe for baked Alaska while reading the dictionary. It told me to look under Global Warming. But the best definition was Absolute Zero. I had a hard time understanding what exactly absolute zero was, until I remembered that it was the grade I got in my math class. Speaking of math. Math was a good class. It was a little scary though. The first day someone passed out. We couldn't find a doctor, but fortunately the professor knew a parametric. After that he taught us about binary. I get it, I finally get binary. Bi means two so clearly a binary is two canaries duh! After that he taught us multivariable Roman Numeral calculus. Finding maximums were a little tricky. He liked giving us story problems. He gave us one about New York where we had to find the constant. I know whats constant in New York. Death and Taxis. Then he gave us one about a dog's eyesight. Everyone knows houndsight is 20/20 then we had to find how much the dog weighed 16 ounces per hound. But our professor was a little nerdy. He presented at a Star Trek convention. His speech was entitled finding Nemoy. He talked about fixing a car using spock plugs. Then he got off into the differences in various Star Wars Fighters, you know the X wings, the Y wings, he even had Chebacca's Wookie card. After math came physics. We talked about the opposite of pulleys pusheys. We even threw small metal musical instruments into water to discuss dampened harmonica motion. After physics came zoology. I learned that there is a special scientific name for a lazy kangaroo they call them pouch potatoes. The opposite of a bacteria is a fronteria. I learned what came after the tape worm, the Cdworm. And from my pre-med friends I learned about some various injuries people have survived from. The guy who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully re-covered. And the guy who backed into a meat processing plant got a little behind in his work. We also learned about aging. Did you know that uhm er what was that word oh yeah Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu? You know you have forgot this before. And speaking of aging, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home and how do I get me some!? Thank you Good night, I am going to practice a little comic relief and stop talking now."
Thunderous applause. And I was in the finals 4th place for that comedy routine. There you have it. I hope you enjoyed it and I also hope it was too crude or offensive for you tastes. Good night, good luck, may you be enlightened.
"So I just applied for a job. In the interview they asked what special skills I had. I told them I can lick my nose, I can lick my elbow [It took me two tries] and I can poke my head through a hole the size of a quarter [pokes head]. Yea, sadly, I didn't get the job. It got outsourced to India. So I decided I would go to college and get me some more skills. My trip started with a visit to the councilors. They said I might even consider studying abroad. I said, "Broad Based Education, does that mean I can study GIRLS!?! And if I get to study a broad do I get to pick wich one?" I decided I would start with the place where all the action was. I went to Institute. Great classes there. Contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a really diverse state. We have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in blue shirts, and even Mormons in green shirts. When I first came here we had a choice of Four churches I could have gone to. The first ward, the second ward, or the singles ward. In those institute classes, We talked about morals--Roman Emporers have the most morals they are on the straight and Nero. We talked about drugs--Hiding opiates in your bicycle is considered drug pedalling. We even mentioned why people go to the gym--its to get their demons excercised. ya gotta be careful though if you don't pay your excorcist you may get repossessed. But the big thing they talked about in institute is Dating and Marriage. So, I got me a girl friend. She's a real looker. SHe's a girl with one eye, named Wanda, her other eye is named Fred. She was a pre-med major. She said she wanted to stay up all night studying anatomy with me. I got really excited about that, until I found out she really meant the book. I think she had OCD though. Everytime I told here she had obsessive compulsive dissorder she told me No she didn't she had CDO it is in alphabetical order that way. She also had a wooden leg, but sadly we broke it off. Too much drama--It was her minor. Her specialty was pantomime {I actually forgot to say that last line so the upcoming punchline died, but strangely enough people still laughed.} she just couldn't think outside of the box [mimed a glass box]. But her rendition of a chicken crossing the road---shear poultry in motion. Speaking of Poetry My English class was really great. Except the first day of class she was late she said she had to stop and change a satire. Later she told us that while reading romantic poetry we had to be very Thoreau. We read some really great books in that class though. Phone Book: the musical, the how to guide for Do it yourself Colonoscopies, Effective Parenting, by B. Spears with a foreward on how to entertain young boys by Michael Jackson. We even read a really good one "101 pranks you can play on the mob". But my favorite book was one that had action adventure, drama, excitment, mystery, intrigue, suspense and antidisestablismentarianism. The dictionary. It was reading the dictionary that got me my latest hobby, coming up with alternative definitions to well known words. One I came up with was an alternative definition for acupressure. Its means how to deal with pressing demands. The academy Awards is praising people for not being themselves. A bra is a fallout shelter, a topless beach is a place with no strings attached. I even found a recipe for baked Alaska while reading the dictionary. It told me to look under Global Warming. But the best definition was Absolute Zero. I had a hard time understanding what exactly absolute zero was, until I remembered that it was the grade I got in my math class. Speaking of math. Math was a good class. It was a little scary though. The first day someone passed out. We couldn't find a doctor, but fortunately the professor knew a parametric. After that he taught us about binary. I get it, I finally get binary. Bi means two so clearly a binary is two canaries duh! After that he taught us multivariable Roman Numeral calculus. Finding maximums were a little tricky. He liked giving us story problems. He gave us one about New York where we had to find the constant. I know whats constant in New York. Death and Taxis. Then he gave us one about a dog's eyesight. Everyone knows houndsight is 20/20 then we had to find how much the dog weighed 16 ounces per hound. But our professor was a little nerdy. He presented at a Star Trek convention. His speech was entitled finding Nemoy. He talked about fixing a car using spock plugs. Then he got off into the differences in various Star Wars Fighters, you know the X wings, the Y wings, he even had Chebacca's Wookie card. After math came physics. We talked about the opposite of pulleys pusheys. We even threw small metal musical instruments into water to discuss dampened harmonica motion. After physics came zoology. I learned that there is a special scientific name for a lazy kangaroo they call them pouch potatoes. The opposite of a bacteria is a fronteria. I learned what came after the tape worm, the Cdworm. And from my pre-med friends I learned about some various injuries people have survived from. The guy who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully re-covered. And the guy who backed into a meat processing plant got a little behind in his work. We also learned about aging. Did you know that uhm er what was that word oh yeah Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu? You know you have forgot this before. And speaking of aging, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home and how do I get me some!? Thank you Good night, I am going to practice a little comic relief and stop talking now."
Thunderous applause. And I was in the finals 4th place for that comedy routine. There you have it. I hope you enjoyed it and I also hope it was too crude or offensive for you tastes. Good night, good luck, may you be enlightened.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Infectious Laughter
The Best Medicine, hope you don't overdose.
Because two of my very close friends have had or a currently battling cancer. This post is for them!
1/2. Why didn't the rhino virus go to the ball?
He had cold feet and gave his date the cold shoulder.
3. If a fruit and a dog get sick, is that a melon collie?
4. If a fruit gets terminally ill is that melon-noma?
5. If a fantastic imp gets cancer is that a melan-Gnome-a?
6. To help compromised immune system people to hear should we send them hearing AIDS?
Sorry.
7. Who were the physicians of the 1600s in Italy?
The Medicines
8. Why was the Greek doctor fired?
For being asclep on the job.
9.Which pugilist doctor finally came out of the closet?
Gaylen
10. Who treats riverhorses?
Hippo-crates
11. Who treats gangsters?
Tupoc-retes
12. WHich bird is a medic?
Florence Nightengale
13. Which inventor of the microscope goes fishing?
Robert Fishhook
14. Where does the count of monty cristo go for a good skin doctor?
To his local Dumastologist
15. What is the favorite medical branch of poker players?
Cardiology
16. What's the oppocite of oncology?
Offcology
17. Who treats sick farm birds?
A duck-tor
18. What closes a clam shell?
The adductor muslce
19. Who does Old MacDonnald go to see when he is sick?
A farmacologist
20. Are Middle Eastern Archaeologists URologists?
Keraunomedicine is the medical study of lightning casualties. According to Wiki
21. What is the zodiac sign for People in your condition?
Cancer.
22. What do you call optical surgery?
Eye opening
23. What type of experience was reported by the plastic surgeon’s patient?
An uplifting one.
24. What is the favorite type of poetry of RNs?
Nurse-ery Rhymes
25. Where do you treat Equines?
At a horse-pital
26. If given to cattle would the medicine you are on be cow-madin?
27. If it were given to a sad cow would it be cow-maudlin?
28. If it knocks you out will it be coma-din?
29. There was a Beetles song written about your treatment—VAC in the USSR!
30. What is another name for orienteering? Pathology
31. Is a knight with melanoma a can-sir?
32. Does Pepsi promote Can-cer research?
33. Is a cancer in an Arizonan desert a Sonoma?
34. If a section of lymph is vibrating at 0 amplitude, is that a Lymph node?
35. If a cancer spreads and uses a T-Test, is that metastatistic cancer?
36. How does a cancer patient win at Bingo? With the number B-9
37. If you have cancer of muscle connections is that a maligament tumor?
38. Which country is often visted by cancer cells? East Tumor
39. What do cancer cells drive? A Car-cinogen
40. How do cancer cells flavor their egg nog? With car cinnamon
41. If the guy who invented the rotisserie grill were found to be a genetic source of cancer would he be a Roncogene?
42. In traffic do you often find Honk-ogenes?
43. If you take two tissue samples from a Cyclops would they be a biclopsy?
44. What do you call a scientist who studies FM and AM? A radiologist.
45. I suspect Picasso had cancer. But I don’t know if he was ever Diagnal nosed
46. If the protagonist of the Matrix had cancer would that be a Neo-plasm?
47. What types of growths do you find in the marshy fens of England? Tum-moors
48. What type of growth did Othello have? A tum-moor
49. What type of growth did King Tut have? A tumb-mor
50. If this is your penultimate surgery what do you have? Two more
51. Are US Postal service growths Mail-ignant?
52. Do the chondrichthyes experience sharkonomas?
53. What do microbiologists study? Germ Cells
54. What type of tumor was studied after World War I? Germany cells
55. If you can’t walk well is it limp-oma?
56. Do sea shells get limpet-phoma?
57. What illness will a Starwars Character probably get? Lukeima
58. If this “:” got sick, would it be colon cancer? And would “;” be semicolon cancer?
59. What type of cancer is treated with dynamite? Blastic tumors
60. If the Great Lion in the sky succumbed to cancer would it be Leomyoma?
61. –Oma, -Oma on the range.
62. If you fall flat is it prostrate cancer?
63. Do biochemists get substrate cancer?
64. Do fencers get lungecancer?
65. Do non pig relatives get non-hog-kins lymphoma?
66. Is endometriosis of Latin poets caused by Ovid-arian cancer?
67. Is another common cancer of starwars Xwing’s sarcoma?
68. What is the cancer of the Midwest? Oklahoma
69. If you built a monument to track the sun out of ruptured blood cells, would that be Hemorrhenge/
Cachexia is the medical term for wasting!
70. If someone diagnoses a cancer of the mind are they psychopath-ologists?
71. If the doctors screw up the tumor analysis is that a biopsy?
72. If a highly religious D&D character undergoes extreme cancer surgery, is that a Pallidinative treatment?
73. If your cancer is treated with small glass shelled marine organisms, have you been treated using radiolarian therapy?
74. Which two muppets are really a cancer treatment? Ebrt and Ernie
75. What part of a plant is the healthiest? The stem cells.
76. What do the cells that cause breast cancer call the medication used? Hearse-ceptin
77. If a queen had breast cancer would it be treated by her-septor?
78. If you treat cancer with antibodies from a Spanish cow, would it be a vacca-cine?
79. How do you treat bovine pain? With Ox-ycodone.
80. How do you treat pain in your RNA? With Oxy-codon
81. What is a cancer patients favorite C.S. Lewis book? The Chronicles of Nausia
82. Which Spice girl works as a nurse? Hospice
83. What is the opposite of oncology? Off cology
84. How do you treat a small northern albeit extinct penguin-like flightless bird with cancer? Via Aukology
85. What type of martial arts work out program do doctors use to test medicines? Placebo
86. If Monty Python had been written by the National Institute of Health what would have been one of their more famous lines? We are now the Knights of NIH.
87. Is buying someone a pair of pants to help them feel better, Jean therapy?
88. What is the first book in the cancer Bible? CarcinoGenesis
89. Who was a famous cancer comedian? Johnny Carcin
90. What caused Greek cancers? DNA µtations
91. What causes dog cancers? Mutt-agens
92. What causes cancer of the remote? Mute-agens
93. What causes skin cancer of Sport Utility Vehicles? S-UV rays
94. What killed the ewoks? Endor-metrial cancer.
95. What killed the main character of Orson Scott Card? Endermetrial cancer
96. What kills large ratite birds? Ostrichsarcoma
97. What is the cancer of toilets called? Lew-kemia
98. What treatment is used in treating tubers? Potato-oncogenes.
99. I never metastasis I liked.
100. What is every cancer student’s dream test? A self-examination
101. How are sodas tested for cancer? With a pop smear
Because two of my very close friends have had or a currently battling cancer. This post is for them!
1/2. Why didn't the rhino virus go to the ball?
He had cold feet and gave his date the cold shoulder.
3. If a fruit and a dog get sick, is that a melon collie?
4. If a fruit gets terminally ill is that melon-noma?
5. If a fantastic imp gets cancer is that a melan-Gnome-a?
6. To help compromised immune system people to hear should we send them hearing AIDS?
Sorry.
7. Who were the physicians of the 1600s in Italy?
The Medicines
8. Why was the Greek doctor fired?
For being asclep on the job.
9.Which pugilist doctor finally came out of the closet?
Gaylen
10. Who treats riverhorses?
Hippo-crates
11. Who treats gangsters?
Tupoc-retes
12. WHich bird is a medic?
Florence Nightengale
13. Which inventor of the microscope goes fishing?
Robert Fishhook
14. Where does the count of monty cristo go for a good skin doctor?
To his local Dumastologist
15. What is the favorite medical branch of poker players?
Cardiology
16. What's the oppocite of oncology?
Offcology
17. Who treats sick farm birds?
A duck-tor
18. What closes a clam shell?
The adductor muslce
19. Who does Old MacDonnald go to see when he is sick?
A farmacologist
20. Are Middle Eastern Archaeologists URologists?
Keraunomedicine is the medical study of lightning casualties. According to Wiki
21. What is the zodiac sign for People in your condition?
Cancer.
22. What do you call optical surgery?
Eye opening
23. What type of experience was reported by the plastic surgeon’s patient?
An uplifting one.
24. What is the favorite type of poetry of RNs?
Nurse-ery Rhymes
25. Where do you treat Equines?
At a horse-pital
26. If given to cattle would the medicine you are on be cow-madin?
27. If it were given to a sad cow would it be cow-maudlin?
28. If it knocks you out will it be coma-din?
29. There was a Beetles song written about your treatment—VAC in the USSR!
30. What is another name for orienteering? Pathology
31. Is a knight with melanoma a can-sir?
32. Does Pepsi promote Can-cer research?
33. Is a cancer in an Arizonan desert a Sonoma?
34. If a section of lymph is vibrating at 0 amplitude, is that a Lymph node?
35. If a cancer spreads and uses a T-Test, is that metastatistic cancer?
36. How does a cancer patient win at Bingo? With the number B-9
37. If you have cancer of muscle connections is that a maligament tumor?
38. Which country is often visted by cancer cells? East Tumor
39. What do cancer cells drive? A Car-cinogen
40. How do cancer cells flavor their egg nog? With car cinnamon
41. If the guy who invented the rotisserie grill were found to be a genetic source of cancer would he be a Roncogene?
42. In traffic do you often find Honk-ogenes?
43. If you take two tissue samples from a Cyclops would they be a biclopsy?
44. What do you call a scientist who studies FM and AM? A radiologist.
45. I suspect Picasso had cancer. But I don’t know if he was ever Diagnal nosed
46. If the protagonist of the Matrix had cancer would that be a Neo-plasm?
47. What types of growths do you find in the marshy fens of England? Tum-moors
48. What type of growth did Othello have? A tum-moor
49. What type of growth did King Tut have? A tumb-mor
50. If this is your penultimate surgery what do you have? Two more
51. Are US Postal service growths Mail-ignant?
52. Do the chondrichthyes experience sharkonomas?
53. What do microbiologists study? Germ Cells
54. What type of tumor was studied after World War I? Germany cells
55. If you can’t walk well is it limp-oma?
56. Do sea shells get limpet-phoma?
57. What illness will a Starwars Character probably get? Lukeima
58. If this “:” got sick, would it be colon cancer? And would “;” be semicolon cancer?
59. What type of cancer is treated with dynamite? Blastic tumors
60. If the Great Lion in the sky succumbed to cancer would it be Leomyoma?
61. –Oma, -Oma on the range.
62. If you fall flat is it prostrate cancer?
63. Do biochemists get substrate cancer?
64. Do fencers get lungecancer?
65. Do non pig relatives get non-hog-kins lymphoma?
66. Is endometriosis of Latin poets caused by Ovid-arian cancer?
67. Is another common cancer of starwars Xwing’s sarcoma?
68. What is the cancer of the Midwest? Oklahoma
69. If you built a monument to track the sun out of ruptured blood cells, would that be Hemorrhenge/
Cachexia is the medical term for wasting!
70. If someone diagnoses a cancer of the mind are they psychopath-ologists?
71. If the doctors screw up the tumor analysis is that a biopsy?
72. If a highly religious D&D character undergoes extreme cancer surgery, is that a Pallidinative treatment?
73. If your cancer is treated with small glass shelled marine organisms, have you been treated using radiolarian therapy?
74. Which two muppets are really a cancer treatment? Ebrt and Ernie
75. What part of a plant is the healthiest? The stem cells.
76. What do the cells that cause breast cancer call the medication used? Hearse-ceptin
77. If a queen had breast cancer would it be treated by her-septor?
78. If you treat cancer with antibodies from a Spanish cow, would it be a vacca-cine?
79. How do you treat bovine pain? With Ox-ycodone.
80. How do you treat pain in your RNA? With Oxy-codon
81. What is a cancer patients favorite C.S. Lewis book? The Chronicles of Nausia
82. Which Spice girl works as a nurse? Hospice
83. What is the opposite of oncology? Off cology
84. How do you treat a small northern albeit extinct penguin-like flightless bird with cancer? Via Aukology
85. What type of martial arts work out program do doctors use to test medicines? Placebo
86. If Monty Python had been written by the National Institute of Health what would have been one of their more famous lines? We are now the Knights of NIH.
87. Is buying someone a pair of pants to help them feel better, Jean therapy?
88. What is the first book in the cancer Bible? CarcinoGenesis
89. Who was a famous cancer comedian? Johnny Carcin
90. What caused Greek cancers? DNA µtations
91. What causes dog cancers? Mutt-agens
92. What causes cancer of the remote? Mute-agens
93. What causes skin cancer of Sport Utility Vehicles? S-UV rays
94. What killed the ewoks? Endor-metrial cancer.
95. What killed the main character of Orson Scott Card? Endermetrial cancer
96. What kills large ratite birds? Ostrichsarcoma
97. What is the cancer of toilets called? Lew-kemia
98. What treatment is used in treating tubers? Potato-oncogenes.
99. I never metastasis I liked.
100. What is every cancer student’s dream test? A self-examination
101. How are sodas tested for cancer? With a pop smear
Friday, October 26, 2007
Traffic Part 1
So I only have about an hour we'll see how far I can get with the traffic puns, more to come shortly. Time 12:12 10/26/07
101 Traffic Puns
1. What do Columbian drug lords get stuck in?
Drug traffic
2. What do you put on traffic bread?
Traffic jam
3. Where do cars go swimming?
The carpool
4. What do vehicles get after a long day at work?
Car pool tunnel syndrome
5. is Moscow trafffic the Czar Pool lane?
6. What is a vehicles favorite mathematical property?
The commuteative property
7. What form of government are most people caught in traffic?
They are commutists
8. What did the mountain men get stuck in?
Morning Trapic
9. What are the two main regions of world wide commuting?
The traffic of Cancer and the traffic of capricorn
10. Where does Count Dracula drive to?
Traffic-sylvania
11. What do road junkies need?
A traffix
12. What do dieting commuters drink?
A stop light
13. What is the opposite of a stop sign?
A stop cosign
14. Carl Marx once said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I think its under construction and paved with pot holes
15. Alternative definition: Pot Hole
Where a junky hides his stash
16. What is between a cars toes?
Traffic jam
17. What do car musicians get together to do?
A traffic jam session
18. What do you get on the Serengheti?
A giraffic jam
19. How do you silence a traffic jam?
With a com-mute
20. One way two way freeway
21. Whe the freeway nearly had a heart attack what did the doctors do?
They gave him a bypass
22. When is a car not a car when it turns into a drive way
23. Only in America do we drive on parkways and park on driveways
24. What is the favorite postition in a restaurant for UTA?
The bus boy
25. Why do people avoid taking mass transit?
To avoid the hustle and Bus-tle
26. How do catholics get to church?
they take mass transit
27. How do astronomers get to work?
They take the transit system
28. What do you call it if Iron takes the bus?
A transit-ional metal
29. What is a chemists favorite traffic sign?
The % Yield
30. And now for the biggest joke out there: Driver's ed
31. Do SCUBA professionals have to take Diver's ed
32. Aren't all high school and college students, student drivers
33. How do police officers keep the city parking stalls so clean?
They have highered a meter maid
34/35. Other traffic jokes:
Down town parking
And men at work
36. Where does Supperman live?
The intersections of Lois and lana Lanes
37. What do you call free will in traffic?
A moving volition
38. What is the favorite part of a car for D&D clerics?
The turning signal
39. If flashers mean your car is in distress, does that mean a turn signal suggests half of your car is in distress?
40. What is the best Steiner story about traffic and precious metals?
the Roads gold mine
41. How are golfers like commuters?
They are both good drivers, except in UTah
42. How did the traffic engineer finally, after much deliberation get through the intersection?
He went about it in a roundabout maner
43. Is one train times the train track sin theta a train track crossing?
44. If police officers are the order of the shield are their cars the order fo the windshield?
45. WHat is the favorite clothing article of police officers?
The pull over
46. Who are law enforcement's favorite band?
the police
47. What do unclean officers have in their hair?
Police
48. Wha tis a policemans favorite chemical element?
Copper
49. What type of construction is going on to get rid of invasive plants?
Woad work
50. More big jokes of the driven world:
Gas prices
51. Alternative definition:
2 limb amputee
What you will be after paying for said gas prices
52. Are gas station attendents Not tgas pumps, but gas pimps?
53. What do you call a high heeled gas station?
A gas pump
54. How do snails get fuel?
From a gastropod pump
55 how do somaches get feul?
From a gastrointestinal pump
56. WHa tis the favorite name for a gastion attendent?
Phillup
57. What do you calll te talk radio people listen to while in traffic?
Drive-l
58. Who has more incedents of road rage than anyone else?
Dr. Kavorkian--he is good at cutting people off
59. Have your heard about UTA's new mass transit train?
Ah its just a front
60. But at least they are up front about it.
61. How is a rude and insulting client of a maseuse like a car peel out?
One is burnt rubber the other is a burned rubber
62. If you go really high really fast in a plane and suddenly find a place to park, is it a parking stall
63. Alternative definition:
Installed
What you call the cars at a mall parking lot
64. Where do you keep your dogs?
in a barking lot
65, Alternative definition:
Allotment
what you call a peppermint in a parking lot
66. In China do they have Peking lots
67. Where do good golfers keep their carts?
In a par-king lot
68. Who do shoppers reviere?
The Par-king
69. What is the favorite measure of a white or yellow equally space road marking?
Just a dash
70. Do tranformers turn in for the night?
71. What do you call a heavy commute?
Traffthick
72. What do you call variable commuting?
Trafficile
73. If you lift a truck, is it a pickup truck
74. What do much of the NAvy drive?
SUVmarines
75. What is the favorite country of cars?
the Sedan
76. What do you call acar that doesn't move?
a commuter
77. What else do you call a car that doesn't move?
A stationary wagon
78. How do we see traffic?
With traffic cones
79. WHat type of traffic do you find in a commodities market?
A interchange
80. WHere do people traffic toilets?
In a commode-ities market
ok I have Chem now. Time 12:50 = 38 minutes rate 2.105 puns per minute. That's not too bad. I gotta go more puns to be posted later.
Part the second Time 4:27pm 10/29/07
81. What do you call someone exploring the fullness of the idea of gender while on a bus?
A mass transitvestite
82. What are teh only things constant in New York?
Death and Taxis
83. Where do you find stuffed cabs?
At a taxi-dermist
84. What do you call a statue of the founder of UTA?
A Bus-t
85. What is are the only things constant within Utah's transportation administration?
Death and Traxes
86. What is the favorite restaurant of mass commuters?
Subway
87. If you drive to work on a Mac is it a laptop commuter?
88. How do heart surgeons get to work?
They take the bypass
89. WHat do you call a spooky cargo carrier?
A fright train
90. Where do cabbose operators practice?
On a training ground
91. If all planes are grounded again, will our flies be undone?
Sorry.
92. If sending something by ship is shipping and sending something by truck is trucking is sending something by train training?
93. How do cars play billiards?
On a carpool table
94. What is an elephant's favorite part of a car?
The stick shift (and you thought I was going to say the trunk)
95. How do you keep your cars safe?
With a gridlock
96. What do you call a red traffic jam?
Rouge hour
97. Who is a famous Republican traffic talk show host (Not the transvestite pagan pharmacist Jane Austen Loving kind, the other kind)?
Rush hour Limbaugh
98. What do you call a between state sleeping pill?
An intersedate
99. Is biking opiates pedaling drugs?
100. Where do you go to buy followers?
The stocker and bondage market
101. A sane and peaceful commute
time 4:44:44 oh yeah! 17 minutes + 38 = 55 minutes/ 101 traffic puns 1.8 puns/minute.
101 Traffic Puns
1. What do Columbian drug lords get stuck in?
Drug traffic
2. What do you put on traffic bread?
Traffic jam
3. Where do cars go swimming?
The carpool
4. What do vehicles get after a long day at work?
Car pool tunnel syndrome
5. is Moscow trafffic the Czar Pool lane?
6. What is a vehicles favorite mathematical property?
The commuteative property
7. What form of government are most people caught in traffic?
They are commutists
8. What did the mountain men get stuck in?
Morning Trapic
9. What are the two main regions of world wide commuting?
The traffic of Cancer and the traffic of capricorn
10. Where does Count Dracula drive to?
Traffic-sylvania
11. What do road junkies need?
A traffix
12. What do dieting commuters drink?
A stop light
13. What is the opposite of a stop sign?
A stop cosign
14. Carl Marx once said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I think its under construction and paved with pot holes
15. Alternative definition: Pot Hole
Where a junky hides his stash
16. What is between a cars toes?
Traffic jam
17. What do car musicians get together to do?
A traffic jam session
18. What do you get on the Serengheti?
A giraffic jam
19. How do you silence a traffic jam?
With a com-mute
20. One way two way freeway
21. Whe the freeway nearly had a heart attack what did the doctors do?
They gave him a bypass
22. When is a car not a car when it turns into a drive way
23. Only in America do we drive on parkways and park on driveways
24. What is the favorite postition in a restaurant for UTA?
The bus boy
25. Why do people avoid taking mass transit?
To avoid the hustle and Bus-tle
26. How do catholics get to church?
they take mass transit
27. How do astronomers get to work?
They take the transit system
28. What do you call it if Iron takes the bus?
A transit-ional metal
29. What is a chemists favorite traffic sign?
The % Yield
30. And now for the biggest joke out there: Driver's ed
31. Do SCUBA professionals have to take Diver's ed
32. Aren't all high school and college students, student drivers
33. How do police officers keep the city parking stalls so clean?
They have highered a meter maid
34/35. Other traffic jokes:
Down town parking
And men at work
36. Where does Supperman live?
The intersections of Lois and lana Lanes
37. What do you call free will in traffic?
A moving volition
38. What is the favorite part of a car for D&D clerics?
The turning signal
39. If flashers mean your car is in distress, does that mean a turn signal suggests half of your car is in distress?
40. What is the best Steiner story about traffic and precious metals?
the Roads gold mine
41. How are golfers like commuters?
They are both good drivers, except in UTah
42. How did the traffic engineer finally, after much deliberation get through the intersection?
He went about it in a roundabout maner
43. Is one train times the train track sin theta a train track crossing?
44. If police officers are the order of the shield are their cars the order fo the windshield?
45. WHat is the favorite clothing article of police officers?
The pull over
46. Who are law enforcement's favorite band?
the police
47. What do unclean officers have in their hair?
Police
48. Wha tis a policemans favorite chemical element?
Copper
49. What type of construction is going on to get rid of invasive plants?
Woad work
50. More big jokes of the driven world:
Gas prices
51. Alternative definition:
2 limb amputee
What you will be after paying for said gas prices
52. Are gas station attendents Not tgas pumps, but gas pimps?
53. What do you call a high heeled gas station?
A gas pump
54. How do snails get fuel?
From a gastropod pump
55 how do somaches get feul?
From a gastrointestinal pump
56. WHa tis the favorite name for a gastion attendent?
Phillup
57. What do you calll te talk radio people listen to while in traffic?
Drive-l
58. Who has more incedents of road rage than anyone else?
Dr. Kavorkian--he is good at cutting people off
59. Have your heard about UTA's new mass transit train?
Ah its just a front
60. But at least they are up front about it.
61. How is a rude and insulting client of a maseuse like a car peel out?
One is burnt rubber the other is a burned rubber
62. If you go really high really fast in a plane and suddenly find a place to park, is it a parking stall
63. Alternative definition:
Installed
What you call the cars at a mall parking lot
64. Where do you keep your dogs?
in a barking lot
65, Alternative definition:
Allotment
what you call a peppermint in a parking lot
66. In China do they have Peking lots
67. Where do good golfers keep their carts?
In a par-king lot
68. Who do shoppers reviere?
The Par-king
69. What is the favorite measure of a white or yellow equally space road marking?
Just a dash
70. Do tranformers turn in for the night?
71. What do you call a heavy commute?
Traffthick
72. What do you call variable commuting?
Trafficile
73. If you lift a truck, is it a pickup truck
74. What do much of the NAvy drive?
SUVmarines
75. What is the favorite country of cars?
the Sedan
76. What do you call acar that doesn't move?
a commuter
77. What else do you call a car that doesn't move?
A stationary wagon
78. How do we see traffic?
With traffic cones
79. WHat type of traffic do you find in a commodities market?
A interchange
80. WHere do people traffic toilets?
In a commode-ities market
ok I have Chem now. Time 12:50 = 38 minutes rate 2.105 puns per minute. That's not too bad. I gotta go more puns to be posted later.
Part the second Time 4:27pm 10/29/07
81. What do you call someone exploring the fullness of the idea of gender while on a bus?
A mass transitvestite
82. What are teh only things constant in New York?
Death and Taxis
83. Where do you find stuffed cabs?
At a taxi-dermist
84. What do you call a statue of the founder of UTA?
A Bus-t
85. What is are the only things constant within Utah's transportation administration?
Death and Traxes
86. What is the favorite restaurant of mass commuters?
Subway
87. If you drive to work on a Mac is it a laptop commuter?
88. How do heart surgeons get to work?
They take the bypass
89. WHat do you call a spooky cargo carrier?
A fright train
90. Where do cabbose operators practice?
On a training ground
91. If all planes are grounded again, will our flies be undone?
Sorry.
92. If sending something by ship is shipping and sending something by truck is trucking is sending something by train training?
93. How do cars play billiards?
On a carpool table
94. What is an elephant's favorite part of a car?
The stick shift (and you thought I was going to say the trunk)
95. How do you keep your cars safe?
With a gridlock
96. What do you call a red traffic jam?
Rouge hour
97. Who is a famous Republican traffic talk show host (Not the transvestite pagan pharmacist Jane Austen Loving kind, the other kind)?
Rush hour Limbaugh
98. What do you call a between state sleeping pill?
An intersedate
99. Is biking opiates pedaling drugs?
100. Where do you go to buy followers?
The stocker and bondage market
101. A sane and peaceful commute
time 4:44:44 oh yeah! 17 minutes + 38 = 55 minutes/ 101 traffic puns 1.8 puns/minute.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Puns et al
In reference to ...
101 hairy pottery puns (but because I have decreed that today should be a random day, they get weird later. Today's theme is puns that I have posted today.)
1. You should make with ceramics a ceramic donught. It could be a glazed donut.
2. Or a bat bat.
3. Is what you have made a skull-pture?
4. I must say, your halloween decorations have a certain flair about them.
5.That skull is hot, oooh burn!
6.You should make a ceramic weed, it would be pottery pot.
7. Beware he could kiln a man.
8. or you should make a ceramic barn--its the pottery barn.
9. I am sure you are fired up about your new project.
10. A toast to you.
11. You should put a ceramic cow out in a pasteur, let it out to glaze.
12. If you made an iceberg, would it be a glazier.
13. If it is a knight, is it sir-amic?
14. Now that you have passed ceramics are you potty trained?
15. Potty at your house, sorry for all the potty humor.
16. If they made a pottery spinning device made of herbs would it be a wheel of thyme?
17. If you made a ceramic futuristic gun is it a glazer beam?
18. If you don't want to make ceramics are you glazy?
And now for something completely different, just to bug you
19. Which insect best describes your relatives?
Your ants
20. What is the motto of the Bug scouts?
Bee Prepared
21. What is an insects mouth parts favorite horror movie character?
Mandible Lectre
22. What do you call a snowman mad by an insects body segments after their thorax?
The abdominal Snowman
23. Why don't people like beetles?
They bug people
24. How is our current Government like a curious two year old?
They both play with bugs (among other reasons)
25. What did the bee with a lisp say when someone stepped on his leg?
Hey, wasp where you steph
26. What was the permiscuous bug arrested for?
Insects
27. Who is an insects favorite king?
King Arthur-opod
28. What is an insects favorite car?
The VW Beetle
29. Which insect grows on the north side of trees?
Moth
30. This thing is a Giant Weta. Its about 8 inches long, heavier than a sparrow and it fulfills the same niche as a mouse. Its name is a shortening of the Maori Wetanga- God of Ugly things. Incidently Peter Jacksons workshop is the Weta Workshop. This thing is so ugly it makes me want to weta myself.
31. Do insect students have to turn in a term-ite paper?
32. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
33. Why did the fly go into journalism?
To stay up on the latest buzz
34. What did the bug use to cut down a Norse Tree?
Its Thorax
35. Which insect will you find under Mistle toe?
A Madagascar Kissing cockroach
36. What comes out of insect volcanoes?
Hot Larva
Beware it changes again right here.
37. What is a Raman packets favorite hero?
Soup-erman
38. Why are most noodle packets Islamic?
They like to celebrate Raman-dan
39. What is the motto of a noodle pack?
When in Raman do as the Ramans
40. Why did Abraham have soup while in the desert?
Because God will provide the Raman
41. What uncooked soup did Moses eat while in the desert?
Ramana
42. Which soup do the Hindus worship?
Braman
43. Which soup god do the Egyptians worship?
RAman
44. What is imbibed heavily in the Carribbean?
Ruman
45. What type of soup eaters are cattle?
Ramanants
46. What is a famous Reggae song about soup?
Bob Marley's "We be Raman, You can be a Raman too."
47. Which dangerous yearly bovine festival is celebrated in Spain?
The Raman of the bulls
48. How did knights of the Middle Ages storm the soup castles?
With a battering raman
49. What is the favorite soup of a courtroom?
The soup de Jour
50. What city is the capital of soup?
Noodlei (New Delhi)
51. What do soups do for a hobby?
They pasta time
52. Wha tis a soup flavoring packets favorite movie?
MSG and commander
53. What happend to the noodle when he found himself on a deserted island?
He was Stranded
54. What do you say to raman that has done a job well?
Soup-erb
55. What is a soups officianado's favorite movie?
Raman (rain man)
56. What brand of soup do you get if you have a bone marrow transplant?
Marrowchan
57. What did the spectator say about the newly wed bowl of noodles?
Ah they make a cute cup o'
58. How do they fit so much flavor into the raman seasoning?
They packet
59. What is a child soups favorite dish?
Mac a raman and cheese
Random fact from Wikipedia:
Raman spectroscopy is a spectroscopic technique used in condensed matter physics and chemistry to study vibrational, rotational, and other low-frequency modes in a system.
60. So how do chemists know what something is made of?
They use Raman Spectroscopy
So for the above posts I have realized again that I have been misspelling one of my favorite soups. Sorry, corrections to come later, but for now, more cool facts from Wiki:
Ramen ラーメン or 拉麺 rāmen is a Japanese dish of noodles served in broth that originated in China. It tends to be served in a meat-based broth, and uses toppings such as sliced pork (チャーシュー chāshū), dried seaweed (海苔 nori), kamaboko, green onions, and even corn. Almost every locality or prefecture in Japan has its own variation of ramen, from the tonkotsu ramen of Kyūshū to the miso ramen of Hokkaidō.
62. What is a German hard rock enthusiast's favorite soup band?
Ramenstein
63. What is a famous old time movie about noodle soup?
Singing in the ramen
Still quoting Wiki
Hakata-men
65. Is a naked noodle a Nude-le?
66. What was Roosevelt's famous anti depression soup campaign?
The Noodle (new deal)
67. Why are the Japanese salty ramens so flashy?
Its all for Shio
68. How much does pork bone Ramen weigh?
One Tonkotsu
69. What type of toy trucks are popular in Japan?
Tonka-tsu
70. How do you learn to make soy sauce soup?
I shoyu
71. Why is Hokkaido's famous national soups always served in pairs?
Because Miso-ry loves company
72. What comes out of the ramen trees?
Sapporo
73. When a Spianiard cries for help and wants some soup, does he Cry Sopporo Sopporo!
(Soccoro is Spanish for help)
74. What HBO mafia show is popular among Japanese soup gourmands?
The Sopporo-nos
75. If a Kitty cat were made into a Japanese soup would it be a Kitakata?
76. SO if you are playing magic the Gathering and someone plays the Flying Spaghetti Monster with Flash, Have they played Instant Noodles? (http://www.venganza.org/ It won't help, but it is funny.)
77. What is the favorite type of soup for athelets?
Sweet and sour
78. What does a ramen chef do to his car?
He soups it up.
79. Is the favorite type of chemistry of Guido d'Arezzo?
Organum Chemistry
80. What seaserpent appears randomly?
The randomness monster
81. Have you heard about Ayn's morphine dispenser that was put on random mode?
It is a Rand numb generator
82. What are these jokes getting to be?
Rand Dumb
83. Why will religion never be administered in shots?
Because then you will be taking the Lord's name in vein.
84. What is a cartoon elephants favorite movie?
Randumbo
85. What do chaotic infants suck?
Their randthumbs
86. If you aren't fast enough to be random can you still be jogdom?
87. If you fall apart while being random are you really rend dom?
http://www.random.org/
88. How do you get power from randomness?
Hook it up to a random generator
Don't look back the lemmings are gaining on you.
89. I don't want to work in a cubicle when I grow up, though I wouldn't mind a hypercubicle.
90. Singularities are NOT pointless
91. If lions make a mistake doe they erroar?
92. If you are sick can you cure it with a home ramendy?
93. Wedding rings, fields, and vectors
94. Alls weld that ends weld
95. H.G. Welds
96. Have you heard about the aquifers that contained mercury?
They are said to be authentic Hg Wells
97. That is just a real pain in the asprine
98. Moses spent 40 days on top of the mountain because God typed the stone tablets in Windows 1.0
99.
100. Why do geneticists like DNA to do math with? Because they can practice adenine and subtractenine
101. I am sane.
101 hairy pottery puns (but because I have decreed that today should be a random day, they get weird later. Today's theme is puns that I have posted today.)
1. You should make with ceramics a ceramic donught. It could be a glazed donut.
2. Or a bat bat.
3. Is what you have made a skull-pture?
4. I must say, your halloween decorations have a certain flair about them.
5.That skull is hot, oooh burn!
6.You should make a ceramic weed, it would be pottery pot.
7. Beware he could kiln a man.
8. or you should make a ceramic barn--its the pottery barn.
9. I am sure you are fired up about your new project.
10. A toast to you.
11. You should put a ceramic cow out in a pasteur, let it out to glaze.
12. If you made an iceberg, would it be a glazier.
13. If it is a knight, is it sir-amic?
14. Now that you have passed ceramics are you potty trained?
15. Potty at your house, sorry for all the potty humor.
16. If they made a pottery spinning device made of herbs would it be a wheel of thyme?
17. If you made a ceramic futuristic gun is it a glazer beam?
18. If you don't want to make ceramics are you glazy?
And now for something completely different, just to bug you
19. Which insect best describes your relatives?
Your ants
20. What is the motto of the Bug scouts?
Bee Prepared
21. What is an insects mouth parts favorite horror movie character?
Mandible Lectre
22. What do you call a snowman mad by an insects body segments after their thorax?
The abdominal Snowman
23. Why don't people like beetles?
They bug people
24. How is our current Government like a curious two year old?
They both play with bugs (among other reasons)
25. What did the bee with a lisp say when someone stepped on his leg?
Hey, wasp where you steph
26. What was the permiscuous bug arrested for?
Insects
27. Who is an insects favorite king?
King Arthur-opod
28. What is an insects favorite car?
The VW Beetle
29. Which insect grows on the north side of trees?
Moth
30. This thing is a Giant Weta. Its about 8 inches long, heavier than a sparrow and it fulfills the same niche as a mouse. Its name is a shortening of the Maori Wetanga- God of Ugly things. Incidently Peter Jacksons workshop is the Weta Workshop. This thing is so ugly it makes me want to weta myself.
31. Do insect students have to turn in a term-ite paper?
32. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
33. Why did the fly go into journalism?
To stay up on the latest buzz
34. What did the bug use to cut down a Norse Tree?
Its Thorax
35. Which insect will you find under Mistle toe?
A Madagascar Kissing cockroach
36. What comes out of insect volcanoes?
Hot Larva
Beware it changes again right here.
37. What is a Raman packets favorite hero?
Soup-erman
38. Why are most noodle packets Islamic?
They like to celebrate Raman-dan
39. What is the motto of a noodle pack?
When in Raman do as the Ramans
40. Why did Abraham have soup while in the desert?
Because God will provide the Raman
41. What uncooked soup did Moses eat while in the desert?
Ramana
42. Which soup do the Hindus worship?
Braman
43. Which soup god do the Egyptians worship?
RAman
44. What is imbibed heavily in the Carribbean?
Ruman
45. What type of soup eaters are cattle?
Ramanants
46. What is a famous Reggae song about soup?
Bob Marley's "We be Raman, You can be a Raman too."
47. Which dangerous yearly bovine festival is celebrated in Spain?
The Raman of the bulls
48. How did knights of the Middle Ages storm the soup castles?
With a battering raman
49. What is the favorite soup of a courtroom?
The soup de Jour
50. What city is the capital of soup?
Noodlei (New Delhi)
51. What do soups do for a hobby?
They pasta time
52. Wha tis a soup flavoring packets favorite movie?
MSG and commander
53. What happend to the noodle when he found himself on a deserted island?
He was Stranded
54. What do you say to raman that has done a job well?
Soup-erb
55. What is a soups officianado's favorite movie?
Raman (rain man)
56. What brand of soup do you get if you have a bone marrow transplant?
Marrowchan
57. What did the spectator say about the newly wed bowl of noodles?
Ah they make a cute cup o'
58. How do they fit so much flavor into the raman seasoning?
They packet
59. What is a child soups favorite dish?
Mac a raman and cheese
Random fact from Wikipedia:
Raman spectroscopy is a spectroscopic technique used in condensed matter physics and chemistry to study vibrational, rotational, and other low-frequency modes in a system.
60. So how do chemists know what something is made of?
They use Raman Spectroscopy
So for the above posts I have realized again that I have been misspelling one of my favorite soups. Sorry, corrections to come later, but for now, more cool facts from Wiki:
Ramen ラーメン or 拉麺 rāmen is a Japanese dish of noodles served in broth that originated in China. It tends to be served in a meat-based broth, and uses toppings such as sliced pork (チャーシュー chāshū), dried seaweed (海苔 nori), kamaboko, green onions, and even corn. Almost every locality or prefecture in Japan has its own variation of ramen, from the tonkotsu ramen of Kyūshū to the miso ramen of Hokkaidō.
62. What is a German hard rock enthusiast's favorite soup band?
Ramenstein
63. What is a famous old time movie about noodle soup?
Singing in the ramen
Still quoting Wiki
- Shio ("salt") ramen soup is clear, almost transparent. It is probably the oldest of the four and, like the Chinese maotang (毛湯), is a simple chicken broth.
- Tonkotsu ("pork bone") ramen is usually cloudy white. It is similar to the Chinese baitang (白湯) and is a thick broth made with crushed pork bones that have been boiled for hours. It is a specialty of Kyūshū and is often served with beni shoga (pickled ginger).
- Shōyu ("soy sauce") ramen soup is made by adding a soy-based sauce to a clear stock usually made from chicken and various vegetables. It is popular in Honshū. A popular seasoning is black pepper.
- Miso ramen is a relative newcomer, having reached national prominence around 1965. This uniquely Japanese ramen, which was developed in Hokkaidō, features a broth that combines chicken stock with a fermented soybean paste. It is often topped with sweetcorn and butter.
Sapporo, from the capital of Hokkaidō, is especially famous for its ramen. Most people in Japan associate Sapporo with its rich miso ramen which was invented there and which is ideal for Hokkaidō's harsh, snowy winters. Sapporo miso ramen is typically topped with sweetcorn, butter, beansprouts, finely chopped pork, and garlic, and sometimes local seafood such as scallop, squid, and crab.
Kitakata in northern Honshū is known for its rather thick, flat, curly noodles served in a pork-and-niboshi broth. The area within its former city boundaries has the highest per-capita number of ramen establishments. Ramen has such prominence in the region that locally, the word soba usually refers to ramen, and not to actual soba which is referred to as nihon soba ("Japanese soba").
What is known as Tokyo style ramen consists of slightly thin, curly noodles served in a soy-flavoured chicken broth. The broth typically has a touch of dashi, as old ramen establishments in Tokyo often originate from soba eateries. Standard toppings on top of chopped scallion, menma, and sliced pork are kamaboko, egg, nori, and spinach. Ikebukuro, Ogikubo and Ebisu are three areas in Tokyo known for their ramen.
Ie-kei (家系) ramen is from Yokohama and consists of thick, straight-ish noodles served in a soy-pork broth.
Hakata ramen originates from Hakata district of Fukuoka city. It has a rich, milky, pork-bone tonkotsu broth and rather thin, non-curly and resilient noodles. Often, distinctive toppings such as beni shoga (pickled ginger), sesame seeds, and picked greens are left on tables for customers to serve themselves. Ramen stalls in Hakata and Tenjin are well-known within Japan. Recent ramen trends have made Hakata ramen one of the most popular types of ramen in Japan, and these days several chain restaurants specializing in Hakata ramen can be found all over the country.
Again, avoiding copyright problems, that's from Wikipedia "ramen" accessed on 10/23/07 12:03
64. So are oriental soup clothings called Ramenents?65. Is a naked noodle a Nude-le?
66. What was Roosevelt's famous anti depression soup campaign?
The Noodle (new deal)
67. Why are the Japanese salty ramens so flashy?
Its all for Shio
68. How much does pork bone Ramen weigh?
One Tonkotsu
69. What type of toy trucks are popular in Japan?
Tonka-tsu
70. How do you learn to make soy sauce soup?
I shoyu
71. Why is Hokkaido's famous national soups always served in pairs?
Because Miso-ry loves company
72. What comes out of the ramen trees?
Sapporo
73. When a Spianiard cries for help and wants some soup, does he Cry Sopporo Sopporo!
(Soccoro is Spanish for help)
74. What HBO mafia show is popular among Japanese soup gourmands?
The Sopporo-nos
75. If a Kitty cat were made into a Japanese soup would it be a Kitakata?
76. SO if you are playing magic the Gathering and someone plays the Flying Spaghetti Monster with Flash, Have they played Instant Noodles? (http://www.venganza.org/ It won't help, but it is funny.)
77. What is the favorite type of soup for athelets?
Sweet and sour
78. What does a ramen chef do to his car?
He soups it up.
79. Is the favorite type of chemistry of Guido d'Arezzo?
Organum Chemistry
80. What seaserpent appears randomly?
The randomness monster
81. Have you heard about Ayn's morphine dispenser that was put on random mode?
It is a Rand numb generator
82. What are these jokes getting to be?
Rand Dumb
83. Why will religion never be administered in shots?
Because then you will be taking the Lord's name in vein.
84. What is a cartoon elephants favorite movie?
Randumbo
85. What do chaotic infants suck?
Their randthumbs
86. If you aren't fast enough to be random can you still be jogdom?
87. If you fall apart while being random are you really rend dom?
http://www.random.org/
88. How do you get power from randomness?
Hook it up to a random generator
Don't look back the lemmings are gaining on you.
89. I don't want to work in a cubicle when I grow up, though I wouldn't mind a hypercubicle.
90. Singularities are NOT pointless
91. If lions make a mistake doe they erroar?
92. If you are sick can you cure it with a home ramendy?
93. Wedding rings, fields, and vectors
94. Alls weld that ends weld
95. H.G. Welds
96. Have you heard about the aquifers that contained mercury?
They are said to be authentic Hg Wells
97. That is just a real pain in the asprine
98. Moses spent 40 days on top of the mountain because God typed the stone tablets in Windows 1.0
99.
100. Why do geneticists like DNA to do math with? Because they can practice adenine and subtractenine
101. I am sane.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Psychology Puns
1. What do you call the science of gasping for air?
Sigh cology
2. What is the study of how clergy think?
Psy-collar-gy
3. Who is the most famous Greek letter to be a psychologist?
Sigma Freud
4. What is Freud's favorite childhood game?
Id and Ego seek
5. What do you call an impulsive and beast like moron?
An IDiot
6. What is a Star Wars queen of the brain?
Queen Amygdala
7. What part ofthe brain is a russian fighter jet?
The a-MIG-dala
8. What do lady psychologists sleep with?
Amygdollys
Sigh cology
2. What is the study of how clergy think?
Psy-collar-gy
3. Who is the most famous Greek letter to be a psychologist?
Sigma Freud
4. What is Freud's favorite childhood game?
Id and Ego seek
5. What do you call an impulsive and beast like moron?
An IDiot
6. What is a Star Wars queen of the brain?
Queen Amygdala
7. What part ofthe brain is a russian fighter jet?
The a-MIG-dala
8. What do lady psychologists sleep with?
Amygdollys
9. In 1999 What personality type did Panama become?
Canal Retentive.
10. What type of parenting do novelists have?
Author-itarian
11. Would a the brain still be a nervous system if it breathed more?
12. What type of behavioral modification technique involves turning
you upside down?
Inversion therapy
13. If God were a psychologist, what would his biggest commandment be?
Axon and ye shall recievon
14. Where do neural lions live?
In their Den-drites
15. Why are psychologists lobbying so hard in Washington DC?
For equal dend-rights
16. What so you call the distribution of Super sonic planes?
A Bell X-1 curve
17. Why did the psychologist start using a white cane?
To practice a blind study
18. What type of window coverings are in the home of a psychologist?
Double blinds
19. What type of martial artsesque excercise do psychologists do?
Placebo
20. What type of ray gun in Star Trek will leave you speachless?
Aphasia
21. Have you heard about the vocal region of the brain that didn't
have any money?
It was Broca
22. Who is a speech pathologists favorite News Anchor man?
Tom Broca
23. What is the region of the brain associated with the period of art
in Europe from 1600-1750?
The Baroque-a's area.
24. What is the mantra of happy ocean pollip based psychology scientists?
Coral elation does not equal causation
25. How about the mantra for the head of the North Pole Elves association?
Correlation does not equal Claus ation
26. How does a statistical average connect muscle to bone?
By its central Tendon-cy
27. If you burn a thought, is it a cog-ignition?
28. If the region of the brain associated with muscle memory, balance,
and smooth movement were instead made of sheep skin, would it be a
cerevellum?
29. How do memory scientists like their soup?
Chunky
30. If you put A shampoo like product on a violin, is that a classical
conditioner?
31. There are classical conditioning experiments, but are there also
quantum condition experiments.
32. Is understanding how a gear or wheel thinks, COGnition?
33. What type of chords do musical psychologists like?
Cognitive dissonance
34. If you and I went on a date, and you wanted to try to find a
universal meaning about what the absence of daylight meant, what would
I say?
The night is still Jung
35. Which Rudyard Kipling book/Disney movie has the most archetypes in it?
The Jung-le book
36. If all of the world fell asleep at once, would be be collectively
unconscious?
37. I don't have OCD, I have CDO--its in alphabetical order that way.
(Courtesy of my friend Wade)
38. Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have disassociative identity
disorder, and so do I.
39. If someone with DID threatened to commit suicide, is that
considered to be a hostage situation?
40. Have you heard about the disassociative Identity disorder murder suspect?
The police think he DID it
41. What did Piaget say about training doctors to be actors?
They need to have an operational stage
42. Have you heard about the felon who founded a random variable institute?
It was Confounded
43. Are today's video game obsessed teens, tomorrows Control group
44. If a computer scientist were studying the effects alt and del on a
computer, what did he forget?
A control group
45. What is the motto of a metal fabrication plant?
Causation is not implied by corregation
46. If you put shampoo on a kitchen counter is that counter conditioning?
47. If you interrupt a musician's practice session, what is it?
A cross sectional study
48. If you analyze a whole series of Spearman's intelligences, are
these a G-string?
49. Which psychologist would get along well with a middle ages prolific author?
Martin Spearman with William Shakespear
50. If you are trying to study the effects of heart confederates in a
study, but can't find any, instead of studying the cohort effect, are
you really studying the ahortic effect.
51. What is the region of a Roman gladiator's brain between their
hemispheres called?
The Corpus Colloseum
52. What is this region called in dolphins?
The porpoise collosum
53. If you cut this region, which constitutional amendment have you
lost? Your right to search and seizure
54. how does a person with seizures choose their clothes?
By their epileptic fit
55. How do electrical engineers think? Reasoning by inductance
56. How do you measure the temperature of a flag?
By its degrees of freedom
57. IF you are trying to study the effects of meteorites and what
affects their impact depths, what would be the depened dent variable?
58. How did the developer of Rational-Emotive Therapy get into America?
Through Ellis Island
59. Which neuro-transmitters keep porpoises happy?
Endolphins
60. What do you call a crazy psychologist, and no normal doesn't count?
An experi-Mental-ist
61. What do you call it if an experimenter always choices a 1960s
female folk singer for his experiment?
Experimenter Biez
62. What is the favorite type of study for lawyers?
A Case Study
63. Does a mathematician have FUNCTIONal fixedness?
64. How much does it cost to become a member of the psychiatric association?
Nothing. It is a free association.
65. Is a very cunning and well planned Mexican wolf, a prefrontal Lobo?
66. What region of the brain do meteorologists use?
Their front-al lobes
67. Is the temporal lobe of your brain your ear lobe?
68. Which neurotransmitter is really a 1980s soft rock band?
GABA
69. What is Fred Flintstone's favorite neural transmitter?
GABA GABA DOO
70. What do transgendered individuals eat?
Lots of gender rolls.
71. Gestalt!
Bless you.
72. What do holistic psychologists put on their food?
Gestalt and gestpepper
73. If a bunch of psychology students were forced to go to the
Antarctic, because no one objected, or differed in opinion, would that
be an example of group polarization?
74. Why do crabs taste so good?
Be they are gustations
75. What do you call a psychiatrist with vision?
Hallucinating
76. Why did Frodo continue to wear the ring?
Because he was hobit-uated to it.
77. Is the Nathanial Hawthorne Effect, the fact that his books are
different by the mere fact you have read them?
78. If two psychologists get married will their towels say on them,
Hisistic and heuristic
79. How are Maslow and Noah alike?
They both have Higher Archys
80. Where do large African mammals go to school?
At a hippocampus
81. Have you heard about the gentleman who transfered nerves from his
olfactory region to his pelvis?
He had hip-noses
82. I think there is a difference between how well you can choose
things versus how well I can choose things. What should my null
hypothesis be?
Your guess is as good as mine.
83. Which psychological disorder had a crush with Jenifer Lopez?
Flat Affleck
84. Has someone who has undergone a lobotomy, lost part of their mind?
85. What do you call it if you think a grasshopper rules your life?
An External Locust of control
86. What motivates twins?
Intwinsic or extwinsic motivations
87. Why did the student lose points on his dream assignment?
He only got half credit for it being latent.
88. What system of emotion has the lowest threshold for what it can be under?
The limbo-ic system
89. What type of dreams do astronauts have?
Shannon Lucid dreams
90. Did you hear about the brainstem that went to war?
It earned the Medulla of honor
91. What type of personality inventory tells you which type of bird you are?
The Minnesota Multphesant personality Inventory
92. Have your heard about the baby that passed the rouge test?
He felt red in the face.
93. What part of the brain is always being picked upon?
The pariah tal lobe
94. Freud has a very old vine covered house, what do they call this
particular species of vine?
Penis Ivy
95. Are male dinosaurs that are envious of their fathers suffering
form Oedipus T-rex complexes?
96. What region of my brain is responsible for all of the terrible jokes?
The puns
97. Where do LDS psychologists go to church?
A psychiatric ward
98. Every emotionally intense action has an opposite and equal
reaction formation.
99. If a monkey is trained to press a button, but then forgets he did
it does he repress?
100. Where do many psychoanalists live?
In a Rorshack
101. What does a psychoanalist do after squashing a bug?
Lifts his shoe and tries to determine what it really is (rorschach bug inkblots)
102. If you can't sleep do you have zero tonin?
103. What is the favorite neural transmitter of copy machines?
Sero-toner
104. What is a musicians favorite neural transmitter?
Sero tuning
105. What do you do with a sex compass?
Find your sexual orientation
106. If the gentleman who wrote Walden 2 were a speed reader would he
be B.F. Skimmer?
107. Is going broke a de-cent-itisation?
Rudolf Goeckel in 1590 is the first recorded use of the term
psychology. It wasn't popularized until Christian Wolff used it in
"psychologia empirica and psychologia rationalis"
Canal Retentive.
10. What type of parenting do novelists have?
Author-itarian
11. Would a the brain still be a nervous system if it breathed more?
12. What type of behavioral modification technique involves turning
you upside down?
Inversion therapy
13. If God were a psychologist, what would his biggest commandment be?
Axon and ye shall recievon
14. Where do neural lions live?
In their Den-drites
15. Why are psychologists lobbying so hard in Washington DC?
For equal dend-rights
16. What so you call the distribution of Super sonic planes?
A Bell X-1 curve
17. Why did the psychologist start using a white cane?
To practice a blind study
18. What type of window coverings are in the home of a psychologist?
Double blinds
19. What type of martial artsesque excercise do psychologists do?
Placebo
20. What type of ray gun in Star Trek will leave you speachless?
Aphasia
21. Have you heard about the vocal region of the brain that didn't
have any money?
It was Broca
22. Who is a speech pathologists favorite News Anchor man?
Tom Broca
23. What is the region of the brain associated with the period of art
in Europe from 1600-1750?
The Baroque-a's area.
24. What is the mantra of happy ocean pollip based psychology scientists?
Coral elation does not equal causation
25. How about the mantra for the head of the North Pole Elves association?
Correlation does not equal Claus ation
26. How does a statistical average connect muscle to bone?
By its central Tendon-cy
27. If you burn a thought, is it a cog-ignition?
28. If the region of the brain associated with muscle memory, balance,
and smooth movement were instead made of sheep skin, would it be a
cerevellum?
29. How do memory scientists like their soup?
Chunky
30. If you put A shampoo like product on a violin, is that a classical
conditioner?
31. There are classical conditioning experiments, but are there also
quantum condition experiments.
32. Is understanding how a gear or wheel thinks, COGnition?
33. What type of chords do musical psychologists like?
Cognitive dissonance
34. If you and I went on a date, and you wanted to try to find a
universal meaning about what the absence of daylight meant, what would
I say?
The night is still Jung
35. Which Rudyard Kipling book/Disney movie has the most archetypes in it?
The Jung-le book
36. If all of the world fell asleep at once, would be be collectively
unconscious?
37. I don't have OCD, I have CDO--its in alphabetical order that way.
(Courtesy of my friend Wade)
38. Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have disassociative identity
disorder, and so do I.
39. If someone with DID threatened to commit suicide, is that
considered to be a hostage situation?
40. Have you heard about the disassociative Identity disorder murder suspect?
The police think he DID it
41. What did Piaget say about training doctors to be actors?
They need to have an operational stage
42. Have you heard about the felon who founded a random variable institute?
It was Confounded
43. Are today's video game obsessed teens, tomorrows Control group
44. If a computer scientist were studying the effects alt and del on a
computer, what did he forget?
A control group
45. What is the motto of a metal fabrication plant?
Causation is not implied by corregation
46. If you put shampoo on a kitchen counter is that counter conditioning?
47. If you interrupt a musician's practice session, what is it?
A cross sectional study
48. If you analyze a whole series of Spearman's intelligences, are
these a G-string?
49. Which psychologist would get along well with a middle ages prolific author?
Martin Spearman with William Shakespear
50. If you are trying to study the effects of heart confederates in a
study, but can't find any, instead of studying the cohort effect, are
you really studying the ahortic effect.
51. What is the region of a Roman gladiator's brain between their
hemispheres called?
The Corpus Colloseum
52. What is this region called in dolphins?
The porpoise collosum
53. If you cut this region, which constitutional amendment have you
lost? Your right to search and seizure
54. how does a person with seizures choose their clothes?
By their epileptic fit
55. How do electrical engineers think? Reasoning by inductance
56. How do you measure the temperature of a flag?
By its degrees of freedom
57. IF you are trying to study the effects of meteorites and what
affects their impact depths, what would be the depened dent variable?
58. How did the developer of Rational-Emotive Therapy get into America?
Through Ellis Island
59. Which neuro-transmitters keep porpoises happy?
Endolphins
60. What do you call a crazy psychologist, and no normal doesn't count?
An experi-Mental-ist
61. What do you call it if an experimenter always choices a 1960s
female folk singer for his experiment?
Experimenter Biez
62. What is the favorite type of study for lawyers?
A Case Study
63. Does a mathematician have FUNCTIONal fixedness?
64. How much does it cost to become a member of the psychiatric association?
Nothing. It is a free association.
65. Is a very cunning and well planned Mexican wolf, a prefrontal Lobo?
66. What region of the brain do meteorologists use?
Their front-al lobes
67. Is the temporal lobe of your brain your ear lobe?
68. Which neurotransmitter is really a 1980s soft rock band?
GABA
69. What is Fred Flintstone's favorite neural transmitter?
GABA GABA DOO
70. What do transgendered individuals eat?
Lots of gender rolls.
71. Gestalt!
Bless you.
72. What do holistic psychologists put on their food?
Gestalt and gestpepper
73. If a bunch of psychology students were forced to go to the
Antarctic, because no one objected, or differed in opinion, would that
be an example of group polarization?
74. Why do crabs taste so good?
Be they are gustations
75. What do you call a psychiatrist with vision?
Hallucinating
76. Why did Frodo continue to wear the ring?
Because he was hobit-uated to it.
77. Is the Nathanial Hawthorne Effect, the fact that his books are
different by the mere fact you have read them?
78. If two psychologists get married will their towels say on them,
Hisistic and heuristic
79. How are Maslow and Noah alike?
They both have Higher Archys
80. Where do large African mammals go to school?
At a hippocampus
81. Have you heard about the gentleman who transfered nerves from his
olfactory region to his pelvis?
He had hip-noses
82. I think there is a difference between how well you can choose
things versus how well I can choose things. What should my null
hypothesis be?
Your guess is as good as mine.
83. Which psychological disorder had a crush with Jenifer Lopez?
Flat Affleck
84. Has someone who has undergone a lobotomy, lost part of their mind?
85. What do you call it if you think a grasshopper rules your life?
An External Locust of control
86. What motivates twins?
Intwinsic or extwinsic motivations
87. Why did the student lose points on his dream assignment?
He only got half credit for it being latent.
88. What system of emotion has the lowest threshold for what it can be under?
The limbo-ic system
89. What type of dreams do astronauts have?
Shannon Lucid dreams
90. Did you hear about the brainstem that went to war?
It earned the Medulla of honor
91. What type of personality inventory tells you which type of bird you are?
The Minnesota Multphesant personality Inventory
92. Have your heard about the baby that passed the rouge test?
He felt red in the face.
93. What part of the brain is always being picked upon?
The pariah tal lobe
94. Freud has a very old vine covered house, what do they call this
particular species of vine?
Penis Ivy
95. Are male dinosaurs that are envious of their fathers suffering
form Oedipus T-rex complexes?
96. What region of my brain is responsible for all of the terrible jokes?
The puns
97. Where do LDS psychologists go to church?
A psychiatric ward
98. Every emotionally intense action has an opposite and equal
reaction formation.
99. If a monkey is trained to press a button, but then forgets he did
it does he repress?
100. Where do many psychoanalists live?
In a Rorshack
101. What does a psychoanalist do after squashing a bug?
Lifts his shoe and tries to determine what it really is (rorschach bug inkblots)
102. If you can't sleep do you have zero tonin?
103. What is the favorite neural transmitter of copy machines?
Sero-toner
104. What is a musicians favorite neural transmitter?
Sero tuning
105. What do you do with a sex compass?
Find your sexual orientation
106. If the gentleman who wrote Walden 2 were a speed reader would he
be B.F. Skimmer?
107. Is going broke a de-cent-itisation?
Rudolf Goeckel in 1590 is the first recorded use of the term
psychology. It wasn't popularized until Christian Wolff used it in
"psychologia empirica and psychologia rationalis"
Monday, October 01, 2007
By special request
So I don't usually post jokes that aren't mine, but because I have had a special request. Here goes. Courtesy of Good Clean Funnies http://www.gcfl.net/funnycd.php
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
Monday, September 24, 2007
101 of the Worst Jokes You Haven't Heard
As a tribute to Marcel Marceau, because I can. Hear are 101 Jokes About Mimes. (See previous post for the article that inspired this silent barrage.)
1. What is the motto of a mime?
Mime your own business
2. What is the hardest thing for mimes to do?
Think outside the box
3. Have you heard about the invisible rope?
It was a real drag
4. Where should you be careful to step?
In a mime field.
5. Why is it so sad Mr. Marceau died?
Because a mime is a terrible thing to waste
6. Why couldn't Mr. Marceau pantomime someone's hips?
Because a waist is a terrible thing to mime.
7. What is the favorite weapon of a mime assassin?
A silencer
8. Does a mime's mother get mad at her young mime if he plays a blank tape at full volume?
9. What is Mr. Marceau's favorite line from Finding Nemo?
Mime Mime Mime!
10. What is a his favorite battle in Lord of the Rings?
the battle for Mime-as Tirth.
11. What does a mime wear on his legs?
A pair of pantomimes.
12. What is a mime's favorite book?
All Quiet on the Western Front
13. If you ran over a mime with a steam roller what would it be?
A silent film
14. What is a mime's favorite type of pen?
A bip
15. What did Einstein silently prove?
The relatedness of Mime and space.
Marceau wrote the preface to the French high wire artist Philippe Petit's 1985 book, On The High Wire.
Michael Jackson's "moonwalk" dance was inspired by Marceau's Walking Against the Wind routine
(Source Wikipedia)
16. What type of drawing program does a mime use?
A Bip map
17. Do you duplicate a mime with a mime-eograph?
18. What is a pantomimist's favorite Florida city?
Mime-mi
19. What was a famous silent TV voyage on PBS during the early 90s?
Voyage of the Mime-i (Mimi)
20. Is a pregnant mime in Jest ation?
21. What is a mime's favorite poker card?
A Joker
22. Why is Marceau's pantomime so famous?
Because it is moving.
23. What type of jokes are these?
the are an exercise in Pun-to-mime
24. If a mime kicks a bucket has he stubbed his pan-toe-mime?
25. What is a miming sheep's favorite movie?
Silence of the Lambs
26. Do two silent nickels make a mime?
27. Is the culture of silent acting when it is passed from generation to generation considered a mime (meme--its a psychology term)
28. So if the 24th letter of the Arabic alphabet were modest and silent what would it be?
A mim mime mim
29. Did you know Marcel Marceau had a photographic Mime-ory?
30. Not to be redundant but is a quiet mime, a mum mime?
31. If you wound or cripple a silent street performer have you critically mimed them?
32. If jack and the beanstalk had been a modest, dull silent mother what would he be?
A mim mime mum mom
33. Is a silent Briton a Mimey Limey?
34/35. In the early days of Disney land who was the wife of Mickey?
Mimey Mouse
(Wasn't he also the one who wore a yellow spandex suit?)
36. Is a 60 second performance a Mimet?
37. What is a silent orchestral dance piece?
A mime-uet
"Mimis are fairy-like beings of Arnhem Land in the folklore of the Indigenous Australians of northern Australia. They are described as having extremely thin and elongated bodies, so thin as to be in danger of breaking in case of a high wind. To avoid this, they usually spend most of their time living in rock crevices. They are said to have taught the Aborigines of Australia how to hunt, prepare kangaroo meat and use fire. They are like humans but they live in a different dimension. They were depicted during the freshwater period (1200 kya).
38. So if they were silent would they be Mime-is?
39. Who is a silent Egyptian philosopher of the 12th century?
Mime-onides
40. When do you not want to talk out in school?
When you are in mime school.
41. How do you act out a silent tree?
With plant-omime
42. What do you call a humorous bovine?
A cow-median.
43. If I stop telling jokes is it comic relief.
44. What do you call a German leader parody play by Shakespeare?
The Comedy of Furors
45. When do you do the comedic Heimlich maneuver?
When someone is joking
46. If a bacterium performs is all the world a stage?
47. What do you call going from a solid mime to a gas mime?
Subl-mime-ation
48. Who is Marcel Marceau's favorite character on the Drew Carry Show?
Mime
49. Who is the Greek demigod of silent trickery?
Pan-tomime
50. Its not yours its mime!
51. You be Beethoven I will be Bach! I gotta go but tomorrow please re-mime me to finish these jokes.
So tomorrow came somewhat earlier that I thought.
52. What is a famous mime's favorite bit o' junk food?
A marcel-mellow
53. What is a mime's favorite sports car?
A Marceau-rati
54. What is a mime's favorite dessert?
Marceau-pan
55. What do you call comics in the desert?
Camel-dians
56. If Marcel joins a club is he a mime-ber?
57.If he tears his pants does he Marceau it up?
58. If he gets married has he found his Marceau-l mate?
59. If in 1801 instead of John Adams Marcel Marceau took over what would it be?
The silent revolution.
60. If Marcel Marceau did a flip would that too be a silent revolution?
61. What do mime's keep around their castles?
A mute with a drawbridge
62. Why do mimes like playing the trumpet?
It has lots of mutes
63. What is a mime's favorite button on the remote?
The mute button
64. Why do mime's like sunrises?
Because the colors are often muted.
65. Does an LDS mime go to mute-ual?
66. What is a mime's favorite piece of music?
John Cage's 4:33 (Its actually 4 minutes and 33 seconds of pure silence!)
67. If Marcel took rock ore from the earth would he be a miming engineer?
68. What is a mime's favorite movie?
Re-mime-er the Titans
69. I live in a house whose walls are so thin I am constantly telling my mime neighbor to"Keep it Down over there!"
70. Can mime's play racket ball?
71. My public speaking teacher was so lousy the mime gave a better speech! (The sad part is I am only partially joking. )
72. What is a mime's favorite subject in school?
Historyionics (histrionics means acting)
73. Does an offensive mime make an ob scene?
74. Who is a mime's favorite Opera singer?
Improv-erati
75. What do you call a monkey for a mime?
An impersonaper
76. Are two mimes in bed thespians?
77. What is a mime's favorite type of fish?
A clown fish
78. What do you call a mime heaven?
Clown 9
79. What is a clown's favorite meal?
Dinty Moore Beef stooge
80. If dorsal is the opposite of ventral are there dorsaloquilists?
81. WHy did the dummy leave his Ventriloquist?
He was tired of being called a blockhead
82. The worst part about being a mime is that you can't call in sick for work. Especially not with laryngitis.
83. What is a mime's favorite old world ape?
A Buffoon
84. Why didn't the actor pass his class?
because he was understudied
85. What city has more mime's than any other?
Harlequin, NY
86. Why did the mime wear a wig?
because he was going ribald
87. When did the mime die?
At a ribald age (ripe old age)
88. What is a punster's (aka a picador's) favorite type of bird?
A Pierrot-kete
89. What do picador's set off during the Fourth of July?
Wisecrackers
90. What is a punster's favorite Pokeman?
Picador-achiu
91. Who is a comics favorite author?
Zany Grey
92. What is a punsters favorite book?
The Count of Montebank Cristo
93. Who was the pundit mugged by?
A gagster
94. What do you call it if someone steals a famous French puppet?
Taking a Punch.
a punchinello is a synonym for a punster :)
95. Marcel Marceau is a fraud. Everything he ever did was a charade!
96. God told me to take miming. He said I would see a sign.
97. Did you know Marcel Marceau was bald (He's not but...)?
Yeah I always thought he was a dupee
98. If he were a potato would he be an imitator?
99. Did the comedian choke?
No he gagged.
100. What is a comedian's favorite movie?
Gag to the future
101. So if I were to enact my puns would you be fighting the gag reflex.
Thank you I am here all week try the veal.
1. What is the motto of a mime?
Mime your own business
2. What is the hardest thing for mimes to do?
Think outside the box
3. Have you heard about the invisible rope?
It was a real drag
4. Where should you be careful to step?
In a mime field.
5. Why is it so sad Mr. Marceau died?
Because a mime is a terrible thing to waste
6. Why couldn't Mr. Marceau pantomime someone's hips?
Because a waist is a terrible thing to mime.
7. What is the favorite weapon of a mime assassin?
A silencer
8. Does a mime's mother get mad at her young mime if he plays a blank tape at full volume?
9. What is Mr. Marceau's favorite line from Finding Nemo?
Mime Mime Mime!
10. What is a his favorite battle in Lord of the Rings?
the battle for Mime-as Tirth.
11. What does a mime wear on his legs?
A pair of pantomimes.
12. What is a mime's favorite book?
All Quiet on the Western Front
13. If you ran over a mime with a steam roller what would it be?
A silent film
14. What is a mime's favorite type of pen?
A bip
15. What did Einstein silently prove?
The relatedness of Mime and space.
Marceau wrote the preface to the French high wire artist Philippe Petit's 1985 book, On The High Wire.
Michael Jackson's "moonwalk" dance was inspired by Marceau's Walking Against the Wind routine
(Source Wikipedia)
16. What type of drawing program does a mime use?
A Bip map
17. Do you duplicate a mime with a mime-eograph?
18. What is a pantomimist's favorite Florida city?
Mime-mi
19. What was a famous silent TV voyage on PBS during the early 90s?
Voyage of the Mime-i (Mimi)
20. Is a pregnant mime in Jest ation?
21. What is a mime's favorite poker card?
A Joker
22. Why is Marceau's pantomime so famous?
Because it is moving.
23. What type of jokes are these?
the are an exercise in Pun-to-mime
24. If a mime kicks a bucket has he stubbed his pan-toe-mime?
25. What is a miming sheep's favorite movie?
Silence of the Lambs
26. Do two silent nickels make a mime?
27. Is the culture of silent acting when it is passed from generation to generation considered a mime (meme--its a psychology term)
28. So if the 24th letter of the Arabic alphabet were modest and silent what would it be?
A mim mime mim
29. Did you know Marcel Marceau had a photographic Mime-ory?
30. Not to be redundant but is a quiet mime, a mum mime?
31. If you wound or cripple a silent street performer have you critically mimed them?
32. If jack and the beanstalk had been a modest, dull silent mother what would he be?
A mim mime mum mom
33. Is a silent Briton a Mimey Limey?
34/35. In the early days of Disney land who was the wife of Mickey?
Mimey Mouse
(Wasn't he also the one who wore a yellow spandex suit?)
36. Is a 60 second performance a Mimet?
37. What is a silent orchestral dance piece?
A mime-uet
"Mimis are fairy-like beings of Arnhem Land in the folklore of the Indigenous Australians of northern Australia. They are described as having extremely thin and elongated bodies, so thin as to be in danger of breaking in case of a high wind. To avoid this, they usually spend most of their time living in rock crevices. They are said to have taught the Aborigines of Australia how to hunt, prepare kangaroo meat and use fire. They are like humans but they live in a different dimension. They were depicted during the freshwater period (1200 kya).
Their name might come from the song of a Zebra Finch."
The above is from: Mimi_(folklore). (n.d.). Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Retrieved September 24, 2007, from Reference.com website: http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/Mimi_(folklore)38. So if they were silent would they be Mime-is?
39. Who is a silent Egyptian philosopher of the 12th century?
Mime-onides
40. When do you not want to talk out in school?
When you are in mime school.
41. How do you act out a silent tree?
With plant-omime
42. What do you call a humorous bovine?
A cow-median.
43. If I stop telling jokes is it comic relief.
44. What do you call a German leader parody play by Shakespeare?
The Comedy of Furors
45. When do you do the comedic Heimlich maneuver?
When someone is joking
46. If a bacterium performs is all the world a stage?
47. What do you call going from a solid mime to a gas mime?
Subl-mime-ation
48. Who is Marcel Marceau's favorite character on the Drew Carry Show?
Mime
49. Who is the Greek demigod of silent trickery?
Pan-tomime
50. Its not yours its mime!
51. You be Beethoven I will be Bach! I gotta go but tomorrow please re-mime me to finish these jokes.
So tomorrow came somewhat earlier that I thought.
52. What is a famous mime's favorite bit o' junk food?
A marcel-mellow
53. What is a mime's favorite sports car?
A Marceau-rati
54. What is a mime's favorite dessert?
Marceau-pan
55. What do you call comics in the desert?
Camel-dians
56. If Marcel joins a club is he a mime-ber?
57.If he tears his pants does he Marceau it up?
58. If he gets married has he found his Marceau-l mate?
59. If in 1801 instead of John Adams Marcel Marceau took over what would it be?
The silent revolution.
60. If Marcel Marceau did a flip would that too be a silent revolution?
61. What do mime's keep around their castles?
A mute with a drawbridge
62. Why do mimes like playing the trumpet?
It has lots of mutes
63. What is a mime's favorite button on the remote?
The mute button
64. Why do mime's like sunrises?
Because the colors are often muted.
65. Does an LDS mime go to mute-ual?
66. What is a mime's favorite piece of music?
John Cage's 4:33 (Its actually 4 minutes and 33 seconds of pure silence!)
67. If Marcel took rock ore from the earth would he be a miming engineer?
68. What is a mime's favorite movie?
Re-mime-er the Titans
69. I live in a house whose walls are so thin I am constantly telling my mime neighbor to"Keep it Down over there!"
70. Can mime's play racket ball?
71. My public speaking teacher was so lousy the mime gave a better speech! (The sad part is I am only partially joking. )
72. What is a mime's favorite subject in school?
Historyionics (histrionics means acting)
73. Does an offensive mime make an ob scene?
74. Who is a mime's favorite Opera singer?
Improv-erati
75. What do you call a monkey for a mime?
An impersonaper
76. Are two mimes in bed thespians?
77. What is a mime's favorite type of fish?
A clown fish
78. What do you call a mime heaven?
Clown 9
79. What is a clown's favorite meal?
Dinty Moore Beef stooge
80. If dorsal is the opposite of ventral are there dorsaloquilists?
81. WHy did the dummy leave his Ventriloquist?
He was tired of being called a blockhead
82. The worst part about being a mime is that you can't call in sick for work. Especially not with laryngitis.
83. What is a mime's favorite old world ape?
A Buffoon
84. Why didn't the actor pass his class?
because he was understudied
85. What city has more mime's than any other?
Harlequin, NY
86. Why did the mime wear a wig?
because he was going ribald
87. When did the mime die?
At a ribald age (ripe old age)
88. What is a punster's (aka a picador's) favorite type of bird?
A Pierrot-kete
89. What do picador's set off during the Fourth of July?
Wisecrackers
90. What is a punster's favorite Pokeman?
Picador-achiu
91. Who is a comics favorite author?
Zany Grey
92. What is a punsters favorite book?
The Count of Montebank Cristo
93. Who was the pundit mugged by?
A gagster
94. What do you call it if someone steals a famous French puppet?
Taking a Punch.
a punchinello is a synonym for a punster :)
95. Marcel Marceau is a fraud. Everything he ever did was a charade!
96. God told me to take miming. He said I would see a sign.
97. Did you know Marcel Marceau was bald (He's not but...)?
Yeah I always thought he was a dupee
98. If he were a potato would he be an imitator?
99. Did the comedian choke?
No he gagged.
100. What is a comedian's favorite movie?
Gag to the future
101. So if I were to enact my puns would you be fighting the gag reflex.
Thank you I am here all week try the veal.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A Tribute to the Wonderful 2007 Camp Steiner Staff
101 2007 Steiner Staff Puns
Happy 77th year Steiner. As always I am dreadfully sorry if any of these offend, I promise it is not my intent.
1. The best part about camping is that it is intents (intense)!
2. If the week before scouts arrive were held for long necked mammals would it be Giraffe week?
3. If Robert gets a pet insect, would it be an adamant?
4. If Mr. Adams took from a bank would he have Rob-bed it?
5. Why is Darth Pike such a good archer?
Because he is an excellent Bohman
6. What do you call puns that keep returning?
A Boom-erang
7. What do you call it when I worked at shotgun?
A Big Boom
8. Why do I get to tell papers outlining what goes on what to do?
Because I am the Program Director
9. If this were instead a Russian work camp, what would I be?
The Progoram Director
10. What is Mrs. Bullough's favorite skit?
The Kingie, the Queenie, and the Katie
11. What small furry rodent is where Mike is from?
New Hampster
12. What small furry mammal lives in the trading post?
A Wolverine
13. If Kayla were the line used to create a hyperbola what would she be?
The handicraft directrix
14. IF Kayla could have her way, if she died would she be buried in a grave-y?
15. If Mike sat down would there be peas on Earth?
16. If Braden played poker would he be a card dealer?
17. If he played with potatoes would he be Peeler?
18. If Mr. Degraw sold womens apparel would he be a drag dealer? (sorry Braden :)
19. What is Mr. Eastman's favorite pinneped?
The bearded seal
20. If Jeremy disappeared, what would it be?
An ordinary week. But he might be called a Roo-dini
21. What do you call a soup made from Jeremys?
A Roo
22. If Jeremy went into the cleaning business what would it be?
A Roo-to Rooter
23. What do you call a pure silver wombat?
Tiffany
24. What is Mr. Evensen's favorite book?
Arthur
24. If Arthur impersonated Elvis would he still be the King?
25. If Arthur becomes senior staff will he get to carry a walkie Talkachin
26. Since he works a lot down in archery, what should his leadership course really be known as?
Knock-ashin
27. What is Erin's favorite Wyoming town?
Evensen (Sorry Erin)
28. Why does Erin like the night?
She likes star parties, and because she is Knock-ternal
29. What are her favorite jokes?
Knock Knock Jokes
30. What would you get if you mixed an archer with a gun?
You would Knock and Load
31. What would Tiny be teaching if he burned down the camp?
Pyro-mental Science?
32. Where do counselors in training live?
In the big CIT (City)
33. If Spencer hits someone with the bolt of a gun, what is it?
A disciplinary action
34. Why does Angie do Bobo?
She finds it apeeling
35. What doe she use to clean it up?
A bandana
36. If either Cat or Reid got punched, would the Halls be decked?
37. What do you get if you cross a cow with a Cat?
Mudder Nature
38. What do you get if you teach Soil and Water with a metal disk?
Soil and Water Gong-servation
39. What is the person who teaches Soil and Water's favorite musical variety show?
Soil Train
40. What is a Cat's favorite skit?
The Kinglin, the Queenlin, and the Caitlin
41. Is a sleeping Caitlin Cat-atonic?
42. If Mr. Hall's son doesn't eat will he be a Nathin?
43. Who is the tallest staff member?
Mount Everett
44. If Everett made a mess would it be a SPL (Spill)?
45. If William Cullins Byrant WROTE about a mini Hall would it be Nathanatosis?
46. How did our SPL live?
Happily Everetter
47. Why does Brian look so happy?
Because he always has a blast
48. If he writes a book, what will it be?
The Book of James
49. If Chief Rocket Foot writes a book what will it be?
The book of Daniel
50. Where does Brian sit in a car?
Shotgun
51. If water came out fo shooting sports ear protection what would this be?
Wednesday, but it might be called Ear-igation
52. How do you protect the square root of negative one?
With i protection
53. How do you keep bottles of alcohol safe?
With beer protection
54. Why is a shotgun range like the ocean?
They both have shells
55. How do you see fishing instructors?
With a 100 Wyatt light bulb
56. If Mr. Koeven wore a pin-stripped suit, what would it be?
A zoot suit Wyatt
57. What is Mr. Koeven's favorite color?
Pure Wyatt (white)
58. If Daniel Lewis were a cook would he be chef rocket feet?
59. Who is the bravest staff member?
Mr. Lewis, he is both brave and Darren
60. If the cooks wanted to hang someone what would they be?
A lunch mob
61. If our head cook goes to Paul's Peak at 5:15am is it a LaDawn hike?
62. What scares the cooks?
63. If a movie were made about camp would LaDawn's be the movie trailer?
64. Who protects camp?
The KP-ed Crusader
65. Who is the whitest guy on staff?
The one with the most Lustyer
66. Why didn't he find that joke funny?
Because he's Ben there done that
67. If I keep making jokes about amphibians will I be sued for Salamander (slander)
68. Where do I get jokes about potty humor?
From the John
69. What is the best part about being program director?
The paperwork
70. What is a book written by Garth Nix about E. Prep?
Sabrinal (Sabriel)
71. Who on staff has a parade named after them/
Mrs. Massey's
72. If Mrs. Massey were immersed in salt would she be Sa-brine-a
73. If she like pain is she a Sabrina Masey-cist?
74. If Mr. McCrae were on woodbadge, which patrol would he be in?
The Al Patrol
75. If Al goes to McDonald's does he order aMcCraeFish sandwich
76. If Amy were unconscious would she be a head Coma-issioner?
77. If Amy were a pirate would she be a Comission-AAARH!!!
78. IF Scott makes a comission he gets a percentage of ascent
79. The walkie talkies accidently got baked into breakfast. They are now HAM radios.
80. If Jeremy and the Orienteering guy merged they would be an AND ROO
81. What do you call orienteering doodles?
Andrews
82. What does Mrs. Nielson wear on her feet?
Jill Insoles
83. What is her least favorite candy?
The Jilly Bean
84. What is Mrs. Nielson most afraid of in the water?
Electric Jills (eels)
85. If Mr. Padia talks back is it a Tex return?
86. IF he gets arrested is he put into a Padia wagon?
87. How does Tex keep his stuff safe?
With a Padia lock
88. Are codes from Daniel a Tex messages?
89. Are Sabrina's back rubs a Tex massage?
90. Whose name do Pentecostal Steiner staffers shout?
Syhallalejah!
91. Is the Pope Catholic?
As a matter of fact, No!
92. What should pioneering really be called?
Pope's ropes
93. What do you call people who incessantly take pictures of Taylor?
The Pope-ratzzi
94. What is Taylor's favorite pizza topping?
Pope-roni
95. What does Taylor drive?
The Pope-mobile
96. If the waterfront direct were a pirate would he be J ARRGH!?
97. How much can JR's wife hold?
As much as she can Carrie
98. What does Alisha drive?
A Pruess
99. What is Beaker's favorite Monte Python line?
What is your Quist?
100. What is his favorite drink?
Sun Quist
101. What is Mr. Quist's favorite book?
Beaker for the Dead
102. What is Fabio's favorite TV show?
103. What is Roger's Son's favorite place to camp (other than Steiner of course)?
Bryce Canyon
104. What does Zach invest in?
Stocks
105. What is Wes's favorite fish?
A pike?
106. What happens if he is fired?
He will have his head on a pike
107. What is the tallest peak in Germanada?
Pike's Peak
108. If Spencer and Amanda ran the place would they be Tegen over?
109. If Pineapple had a twin would they be the Warner Brothers? (sorry)
110. IF pineapple taught geology would he deal with weathering?
111. What mug are we?
Camp Steiner
112. Why are we so cool?
Because Steiner Rocks. All 150 billion of them. (But according to one scoutmaster there are too many rocks at Steiner.)
Happy 77th year Steiner. As always I am dreadfully sorry if any of these offend, I promise it is not my intent.
1. The best part about camping is that it is intents (intense)!
2. If the week before scouts arrive were held for long necked mammals would it be Giraffe week?
3. If Robert gets a pet insect, would it be an adamant?
4. If Mr. Adams took from a bank would he have Rob-bed it?
5. Why is Darth Pike such a good archer?
Because he is an excellent Bohman
6. What do you call puns that keep returning?
A Boom-erang
7. What do you call it when I worked at shotgun?
A Big Boom
8. Why do I get to tell papers outlining what goes on what to do?
Because I am the Program Director
9. If this were instead a Russian work camp, what would I be?
The Progoram Director
10. What is Mrs. Bullough's favorite skit?
The Kingie, the Queenie, and the Katie
11. What small furry rodent is where Mike is from?
New Hampster
12. What small furry mammal lives in the trading post?
A Wolverine
13. If Kayla were the line used to create a hyperbola what would she be?
The handicraft directrix
14. IF Kayla could have her way, if she died would she be buried in a grave-y?
15. If Mike sat down would there be peas on Earth?
16. If Braden played poker would he be a card dealer?
17. If he played with potatoes would he be Peeler?
18. If Mr. Degraw sold womens apparel would he be a drag dealer? (sorry Braden :)
19. What is Mr. Eastman's favorite pinneped?
The bearded seal
20. If Jeremy disappeared, what would it be?
An ordinary week. But he might be called a Roo-dini
21. What do you call a soup made from Jeremys?
A Roo
22. If Jeremy went into the cleaning business what would it be?
A Roo-to Rooter
23. What do you call a pure silver wombat?
Tiffany
24. What is Mr. Evensen's favorite book?
Arthur
24. If Arthur impersonated Elvis would he still be the King?
25. If Arthur becomes senior staff will he get to carry a walkie Talkachin
26. Since he works a lot down in archery, what should his leadership course really be known as?
Knock-ashin
27. What is Erin's favorite Wyoming town?
Evensen (Sorry Erin)
28. Why does Erin like the night?
She likes star parties, and because she is Knock-ternal
29. What are her favorite jokes?
Knock Knock Jokes
30. What would you get if you mixed an archer with a gun?
You would Knock and Load
31. What would Tiny be teaching if he burned down the camp?
Pyro-mental Science?
32. Where do counselors in training live?
In the big CIT (City)
33. If Spencer hits someone with the bolt of a gun, what is it?
A disciplinary action
34. Why does Angie do Bobo?
She finds it apeeling
35. What doe she use to clean it up?
A bandana
36. If either Cat or Reid got punched, would the Halls be decked?
37. What do you get if you cross a cow with a Cat?
Mudder Nature
38. What do you get if you teach Soil and Water with a metal disk?
Soil and Water Gong-servation
39. What is the person who teaches Soil and Water's favorite musical variety show?
Soil Train
40. What is a Cat's favorite skit?
The Kinglin, the Queenlin, and the Caitlin
41. Is a sleeping Caitlin Cat-atonic?
42. If Mr. Hall's son doesn't eat will he be a Nathin?
43. Who is the tallest staff member?
Mount Everett
44. If Everett made a mess would it be a SPL (Spill)?
45. If William Cullins Byrant WROTE about a mini Hall would it be Nathanatosis?
46. How did our SPL live?
Happily Everetter
47. Why does Brian look so happy?
Because he always has a blast
48. If he writes a book, what will it be?
The Book of James
49. If Chief Rocket Foot writes a book what will it be?
The book of Daniel
50. Where does Brian sit in a car?
Shotgun
51. If water came out fo shooting sports ear protection what would this be?
Wednesday, but it might be called Ear-igation
52. How do you protect the square root of negative one?
With i protection
53. How do you keep bottles of alcohol safe?
With beer protection
54. Why is a shotgun range like the ocean?
They both have shells
55. How do you see fishing instructors?
With a 100 Wyatt light bulb
56. If Mr. Koeven wore a pin-stripped suit, what would it be?
A zoot suit Wyatt
57. What is Mr. Koeven's favorite color?
Pure Wyatt (white)
58. If Daniel Lewis were a cook would he be chef rocket feet?
59. Who is the bravest staff member?
Mr. Lewis, he is both brave and Darren
60. If the cooks wanted to hang someone what would they be?
A lunch mob
61. If our head cook goes to Paul's Peak at 5:15am is it a LaDawn hike?
62. What scares the cooks?
63. If a movie were made about camp would LaDawn's be the movie trailer?
64. Who protects camp?
The KP-ed Crusader
65. Who is the whitest guy on staff?
The one with the most Lustyer
66. Why didn't he find that joke funny?
Because he's Ben there done that
67. If I keep making jokes about amphibians will I be sued for Salamander (slander)
68. Where do I get jokes about potty humor?
From the John
69. What is the best part about being program director?
The paperwork
70. What is a book written by Garth Nix about E. Prep?
Sabrinal (Sabriel)
71. Who on staff has a parade named after them/
Mrs. Massey's
72. If Mrs. Massey were immersed in salt would she be Sa-brine-a
73. If she like pain is she a Sabrina Masey-cist?
74. If Mr. McCrae were on woodbadge, which patrol would he be in?
The Al Patrol
75. If Al goes to McDonald's does he order aMcCraeFish sandwich
76. If Amy were unconscious would she be a head Coma-issioner?
77. If Amy were a pirate would she be a Comission-AAARH!!!
78. IF Scott makes a comission he gets a percentage of ascent
79. The walkie talkies accidently got baked into breakfast. They are now HAM radios.
80. If Jeremy and the Orienteering guy merged they would be an AND ROO
81. What do you call orienteering doodles?
Andrews
82. What does Mrs. Nielson wear on her feet?
Jill Insoles
83. What is her least favorite candy?
The Jilly Bean
84. What is Mrs. Nielson most afraid of in the water?
Electric Jills (eels)
85. If Mr. Padia talks back is it a Tex return?
86. IF he gets arrested is he put into a Padia wagon?
87. How does Tex keep his stuff safe?
With a Padia lock
88. Are codes from Daniel a Tex messages?
89. Are Sabrina's back rubs a Tex massage?
90. Whose name do Pentecostal Steiner staffers shout?
Syhallalejah!
91. Is the Pope Catholic?
As a matter of fact, No!
92. What should pioneering really be called?
Pope's ropes
93. What do you call people who incessantly take pictures of Taylor?
The Pope-ratzzi
94. What is Taylor's favorite pizza topping?
Pope-roni
95. What does Taylor drive?
The Pope-mobile
96. If the waterfront direct were a pirate would he be J ARRGH!?
97. How much can JR's wife hold?
As much as she can Carrie
98. What does Alisha drive?
A Pruess
99. What is Beaker's favorite Monte Python line?
What is your Quist?
100. What is his favorite drink?
Sun Quist
101. What is Mr. Quist's favorite book?
Beaker for the Dead
102. What is Fabio's favorite TV show?
103. What is Roger's Son's favorite place to camp (other than Steiner of course)?
Bryce Canyon
104. What does Zach invest in?
Stocks
105. What is Wes's favorite fish?
A pike?
106. What happens if he is fired?
He will have his head on a pike
107. What is the tallest peak in Germanada?
Pike's Peak
108. If Spencer and Amanda ran the place would they be Tegen over?
109. If Pineapple had a twin would they be the Warner Brothers? (sorry)
110. IF pineapple taught geology would he deal with weathering?
111. What mug are we?
Camp Steiner
112. Why are we so cool?
Because Steiner Rocks. All 150 billion of them. (But according to one scoutmaster there are too many rocks at Steiner.)
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Strike while the Irony is hot
So as my previous post mentioned, I have been an LDS member for four weeks now. In that time I have noticed a few things I find very ironic. The first is that to get into temples you need a temple recomend, which is now being made into a barcode. Price check on worthiness, price check on worthiness. God loves all of his creations, especially member number 101110110. Oh Mr. Smith I am sorry your salvation was declined please try again. Ladies and gentlemen we regret to inform you, but today no one will achieve salvation, our computers are down. No, perhaps it would be more apropos to say, now boarding temple recommends A-Smith, A-Smith. What if other religions did this? Catholic: I'm sorry sir I need to see your ID before you can go see father O'Malley. No Card No Confession. Pentecostal: He has a Card Brethren! Hallelujiah for He is Saved! Oh, Ma'am we don't actually fully scan cards here we only look at them. Praise the Lord! Unitarian: No mater who you are or where you are in live's journey, you are welcome here--As long as you have your card to prove it.
I can see this causing problems on wedding days. Tuxedo--Check. Bride--Check, Flowers, Ring --Check, ah crap! I left my card in my other pants! :( Or hmm, my card isn't registering it must be the High powered Tessla Coil I keep in my pocket. Do you think the church will let such things SLIDE ? If it gets stolen, is it swipped? Is this card going to be like a spiritual Totin' Chip? As long as I still have my card I am good, but I lose a corner each time I am bad. When there are no more corners then the excamunicating beat down begins? Did you ever imagine that our mortal existance might be like a Giant library for souls? Hi I am going to use my card and check out a John Boom. I'll have him back to ya in 76 years or so. Yeah Yeah that's fine, just make sure you return him in one piece otherwise there will be a fine.
Ever so Sorry. I just thought the above was rather funny. Please don't disown me yet!
I can see this causing problems on wedding days. Tuxedo--Check. Bride--Check, Flowers, Ring --Check, ah crap! I left my card in my other pants! :( Or hmm, my card isn't registering it must be the High powered Tessla Coil I keep in my pocket. Do you think the church will let such things SLIDE ? If it gets stolen, is it swipped? Is this card going to be like a spiritual Totin' Chip? As long as I still have my card I am good, but I lose a corner each time I am bad. When there are no more corners then the excamunicating beat down begins? Did you ever imagine that our mortal existance might be like a Giant library for souls? Hi I am going to use my card and check out a John Boom. I'll have him back to ya in 76 years or so. Yeah Yeah that's fine, just make sure you return him in one piece otherwise there will be a fine.
Ever so Sorry. I just thought the above was rather funny. Please don't disown me yet!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
The Comedic Fabric Store
Like a comedic fabric store, I have new material. Today's topic Diversity.
I am from Utah. Bountiful, Utah to be exact. Our town is so small we just put in a streetlight people will drive by it two or three times just to stare and marvel. We are still trying to figure out what the different colors mean and how exactly it changes like that, but I think they'll learn. And contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a fairly diverse place. When I first moved here just on my block I had a choice of four different churches I could have gone to--The 1st ward, the 3rd ward or the skyview ward. Most places have a Starbucks on each block--we have a ward house. And no a Steak House is not a place where you eat. But seriously we are a pretty diverse state, but have you ever noticed all of the LDS kids when they turn 19 they all change their name to Elder so weird. And as I have been saying Utah is a diverse place, we have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in green shirts mormons in blue shirts and an lot of mormons in black jackets with white shirts, and they all seem to cary weird little purses with books and highlighters in them. I think I was in colledge before I really hung out with a black kid--It was in my advanced calculus class. At first I didn't realize he was talking to me. I thought he was talking to my pet--then I realized I didn't have a pet. He kept calling me Dog which threw me off. I got to talking to him and gradually I realized he was Homey Schooled. This gentleman was kind enough to give me some pointers on the finer points of comedy. He said I needed to keep it real--So I said, I was assigned 5 problems of Differential equations with a side of statistics research and a bit of Abstract Linear Algebra all due by five. No one laughed. Aparently I was keeping it a little too real. The African American gentleman said I should throw some colorful language into the mix you know drop the F bomb a few times, throw in a few four letter words, be liberal with the S word thickly apply the N word, things like that. So to liven things up a bit I thought I would take his advice. Though before I would use the F bomb I wanted to know its caloric energetic output and how it compared thermally with other such bombs as the H bomb Q bomb and other devices. He just rolled his eyes at me. I being the gentlemen I was picked them up and rolled them back. I tried adding more color. " I was gazing up at the Cyan {0,0,1} hued sky it was marvellous." I evend used the colorful F and N words as he described them. Wow, dog, did you see that Fuschia shirt on that girl--it looked really Neat! He was shaking his head--he could believe I had used the F word, a four letter word and an N word in one sentence. I thought I would try another. Man, I really like Math! As soon as I had uttered that the room fell silent everyone was in shock that I had dropped a four letter word again. I decied I would use a compound four letterer Homework! If I kept up my blue streak, soon I would be making sailors blush. Needless to say my comedy act failed like a senior in math 950. I was so demorallized I decided I would go hiking. Just a short walk 34.03 km according to my pedometer and survey grade GPS I bring treking. For those of you for whom klingon and kliometer are roughly the same thing to me a light hike is about 3.403x10^7 cm or something near 3.4x10^lots in femtometers. Al right alright enough of the metric just give it too use in easy units we can understand. I hiked about 1.095x10^-10 % of a parsec! or about 110,8880 feet, 36,960 cubits, 18,480 rods 1,680 chains, quite few furlongs a number of fathoms and something near 21 miles. I once also calculated that I have with two decimal places exactly 3.24 friends. But as I started out saying Utah has plenty of diversity. It was just yesterday I saw a guy smoking in the health food store. We have all sorts of culture. Every year my town holds an exotic arts and crafts festival show casing the work of people in far off lands--like Florida. And speaking of culture most of it is in the microbiology department. Just yesterday I saw a paramecium cultivating a human. And just the other day the associate provost was saying that he wanted there to be more color in the Microbiology department--the staff all tye died their lab coats. All this talk of science brings up an interesting point. With all of the latest development in stem cell research and cloning, what are Your Mamma jokes going to be like in 50 to 100 years? Your mamma is so glass you can see right through her. Your needle and petri dish are so fat the scientists let you incubate for 4 weeks before they took you off. That is definately a job you don't want to have when you are 90. Yeah palsey while being a surgeon--its not a good combination. And speaking of people getting older Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu you know you have forgot this before. Speaking of getting older, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home? Good night Good Luck! And try the veal!
I am from Utah. Bountiful, Utah to be exact. Our town is so small we just put in a streetlight people will drive by it two or three times just to stare and marvel. We are still trying to figure out what the different colors mean and how exactly it changes like that, but I think they'll learn. And contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a fairly diverse place. When I first moved here just on my block I had a choice of four different churches I could have gone to--The 1st ward, the 3rd ward or the skyview ward. Most places have a Starbucks on each block--we have a ward house. And no a Steak House is not a place where you eat. But seriously we are a pretty diverse state, but have you ever noticed all of the LDS kids when they turn 19 they all change their name to Elder so weird. And as I have been saying Utah is a diverse place, we have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in green shirts mormons in blue shirts and an lot of mormons in black jackets with white shirts, and they all seem to cary weird little purses with books and highlighters in them. I think I was in colledge before I really hung out with a black kid--It was in my advanced calculus class. At first I didn't realize he was talking to me. I thought he was talking to my pet--then I realized I didn't have a pet. He kept calling me Dog which threw me off. I got to talking to him and gradually I realized he was Homey Schooled. This gentleman was kind enough to give me some pointers on the finer points of comedy. He said I needed to keep it real--So I said, I was assigned 5 problems of Differential equations with a side of statistics research and a bit of Abstract Linear Algebra all due by five. No one laughed. Aparently I was keeping it a little too real. The African American gentleman said I should throw some colorful language into the mix you know drop the F bomb a few times, throw in a few four letter words, be liberal with the S word thickly apply the N word, things like that. So to liven things up a bit I thought I would take his advice. Though before I would use the F bomb I wanted to know its caloric energetic output and how it compared thermally with other such bombs as the H bomb Q bomb and other devices. He just rolled his eyes at me. I being the gentlemen I was picked them up and rolled them back. I tried adding more color. " I was gazing up at the Cyan {0,0,1} hued sky it was marvellous." I evend used the colorful F and N words as he described them. Wow, dog, did you see that Fuschia shirt on that girl--it looked really Neat! He was shaking his head--he could believe I had used the F word, a four letter word and an N word in one sentence. I thought I would try another. Man, I really like Math! As soon as I had uttered that the room fell silent everyone was in shock that I had dropped a four letter word again. I decied I would use a compound four letterer Homework! If I kept up my blue streak, soon I would be making sailors blush. Needless to say my comedy act failed like a senior in math 950. I was so demorallized I decided I would go hiking. Just a short walk 34.03 km according to my pedometer and survey grade GPS I bring treking. For those of you for whom klingon and kliometer are roughly the same thing to me a light hike is about 3.403x10^7 cm or something near 3.4x10^lots in femtometers. Al right alright enough of the metric just give it too use in easy units we can understand. I hiked about 1.095x10^-10 % of a parsec! or about 110,8880 feet, 36,960 cubits, 18,480 rods 1,680 chains, quite few furlongs a number of fathoms and something near 21 miles. I once also calculated that I have with two decimal places exactly 3.24 friends. But as I started out saying Utah has plenty of diversity. It was just yesterday I saw a guy smoking in the health food store. We have all sorts of culture. Every year my town holds an exotic arts and crafts festival show casing the work of people in far off lands--like Florida. And speaking of culture most of it is in the microbiology department. Just yesterday I saw a paramecium cultivating a human. And just the other day the associate provost was saying that he wanted there to be more color in the Microbiology department--the staff all tye died their lab coats. All this talk of science brings up an interesting point. With all of the latest development in stem cell research and cloning, what are Your Mamma jokes going to be like in 50 to 100 years? Your mamma is so glass you can see right through her. Your needle and petri dish are so fat the scientists let you incubate for 4 weeks before they took you off. That is definately a job you don't want to have when you are 90. Yeah palsey while being a surgeon--its not a good combination. And speaking of people getting older Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu you know you have forgot this before. Speaking of getting older, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home? Good night Good Luck! And try the veal!
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