Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Comedic Fabric Store

Like a comedic fabric store, I have new material. Today's topic Diversity.

I am from Utah. Bountiful, Utah to be exact. Our town is so small we just put in a streetlight people will drive by it two or three times just to stare and marvel. We are still trying to figure out what the different colors mean and how exactly it changes like that, but I think they'll learn. And contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a fairly diverse place. When I first moved here just on my block I had a choice of four different churches I could have gone to--The 1st ward, the 3rd ward or the skyview ward. Most places have a Starbucks on each block--we have a ward house. And no a Steak House is not a place where you eat. But seriously we are a pretty diverse state, but have you ever noticed all of the LDS kids when they turn 19 they all change their name to Elder so weird. And as I have been saying Utah is a diverse place, we have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in green shirts mormons in blue shirts and an lot of mormons in black jackets with white shirts, and they all seem to cary weird little purses with books and highlighters in them. I think I was in colledge before I really hung out with a black kid--It was in my advanced calculus class. At first I didn't realize he was talking to me. I thought he was talking to my pet--then I realized I didn't have a pet. He kept calling me Dog which threw me off. I got to talking to him and gradually I realized he was Homey Schooled. This gentleman was kind enough to give me some pointers on the finer points of comedy. He said I needed to keep it real--So I said, I was assigned 5 problems of Differential equations with a side of statistics research and a bit of Abstract Linear Algebra all due by five. No one laughed. Aparently I was keeping it a little too real. The African American gentleman said I should throw some colorful language into the mix you know drop the F bomb a few times, throw in a few four letter words, be liberal with the S word thickly apply the N word, things like that. So to liven things up a bit I thought I would take his advice. Though before I would use the F bomb I wanted to know its caloric energetic output and how it compared thermally with other such bombs as the H bomb Q bomb and other devices. He just rolled his eyes at me. I being the gentlemen I was picked them up and rolled them back. I tried adding more color. " I was gazing up at the Cyan {0,0,1} hued sky it was marvellous." I evend used the colorful F and N words as he described them. Wow, dog, did you see that Fuschia shirt on that girl--it looked really Neat! He was shaking his head--he could believe I had used the F word, a four letter word and an N word in one sentence. I thought I would try another. Man, I really like Math! As soon as I had uttered that the room fell silent everyone was in shock that I had dropped a four letter word again. I decied I would use a compound four letterer Homework! If I kept up my blue streak, soon I would be making sailors blush. Needless to say my comedy act failed like a senior in math 950. I was so demorallized I decided I would go hiking. Just a short walk 34.03 km according to my pedometer and survey grade GPS I bring treking. For those of you for whom klingon and kliometer are roughly the same thing to me a light hike is about 3.403x10^7 cm or something near 3.4x10^lots in femtometers. Al right alright enough of the metric just give it too use in easy units we can understand. I hiked about 1.095x10^-10 % of a parsec! or about 110,8880 feet, 36,960 cubits, 18,480 rods 1,680 chains, quite few furlongs a number of fathoms and something near 21 miles. I once also calculated that I have with two decimal places exactly 3.24 friends. But as I started out saying Utah has plenty of diversity. It was just yesterday I saw a guy smoking in the health food store. We have all sorts of culture. Every year my town holds an exotic arts and crafts festival show casing the work of people in far off lands--like Florida. And speaking of culture most of it is in the microbiology department. Just yesterday I saw a paramecium cultivating a human. And just the other day the associate provost was saying that he wanted there to be more color in the Microbiology department--the staff all tye died their lab coats. All this talk of science brings up an interesting point. With all of the latest development in stem cell research and cloning, what are Your Mamma jokes going to be like in 50 to 100 years? Your mamma is so glass you can see right through her. Your needle and petri dish are so fat the scientists let you incubate for 4 weeks before they took you off. That is definately a job you don't want to have when you are 90. Yeah palsey while being a surgeon--its not a good combination. And speaking of people getting older Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu you know you have forgot this before. Speaking of getting older, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home? Good night Good Luck! And try the veal!

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