Thursday, January 24, 2008

Saturday, January 19, 2008

My Stand Up Comedy Debut

So Yesterday, January 18th 2008, I successfully performed in my stand up comedy debut. I pulled of my routine flawlessly, except the one time in my life where I publicly NEED to lick my elbow, I couldn't do it. I also could not remember the word Alzheimers. I didn't win. I did get 4th place though. ANd the one who won needed a new transmission so life worked out well. I am still an excellent practicioner of dontopedology--The science of opening my mouth and sticking my foot in it. I said some really stupid things afterward that probably cost me, but as far as the performance itself, I got at least one laugh on every joke and had no complaints afterward. It went really well. And for viewing pleasure, just in case you missed my performance, here's a transcript (Sadly No YouTube links :(

"So I just applied for a job. In the interview they asked what special skills I had. I told them I can lick my nose, I can lick my elbow [It took me two tries] and I can poke my head through a hole the size of a quarter [pokes head]. Yea, sadly, I didn't get the job. It got outsourced to India. So I decided I would go to college and get me some more skills. My trip started with a visit to the councilors. They said I might even consider studying abroad. I said, "Broad Based Education, does that mean I can study GIRLS!?! And if I get to study a broad do I get to pick wich one?" I decided I would start with the place where all the action was. I went to Institute. Great classes there. Contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a really diverse state. We have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in blue shirts, and even Mormons in green shirts. When I first came here we had a choice of Four churches I could have gone to. The first ward, the second ward, or the singles ward. In those institute classes, We talked about morals--Roman Emporers have the most morals they are on the straight and Nero. We talked about drugs--Hiding opiates in your bicycle is considered drug pedalling. We even mentioned why people go to the gym--its to get their demons excercised. ya gotta be careful though if you don't pay your excorcist you may get repossessed. But the big thing they talked about in institute is Dating and Marriage. So, I got me a girl friend. She's a real looker. SHe's a girl with one eye, named Wanda, her other eye is named Fred. She was a pre-med major. She said she wanted to stay up all night studying anatomy with me. I got really excited about that, until I found out she really meant the book. I think she had OCD though. Everytime I told here she had obsessive compulsive dissorder she told me No she didn't she had CDO it is in alphabetical order that way. She also had a wooden leg, but sadly we broke it off. Too much drama--It was her minor. Her specialty was pantomime {I actually forgot to say that last line so the upcoming punchline died, but strangely enough people still laughed.} she just couldn't think outside of the box [mimed a glass box]. But her rendition of a chicken crossing the road---shear poultry in motion. Speaking of Poetry My English class was really great. Except the first day of class she was late she said she had to stop and change a satire. Later she told us that while reading romantic poetry we had to be very Thoreau. We read some really great books in that class though. Phone Book: the musical, the how to guide for Do it yourself Colonoscopies, Effective Parenting, by B. Spears with a foreward on how to entertain young boys by Michael Jackson. We even read a really good one "101 pranks you can play on the mob". But my favorite book was one that had action adventure, drama, excitment, mystery, intrigue, suspense and antidisestablismentarianism. The dictionary. It was reading the dictionary that got me my latest hobby, coming up with alternative definitions to well known words. One I came up with was an alternative definition for acupressure. Its means how to deal with pressing demands. The academy Awards is praising people for not being themselves. A bra is a fallout shelter, a topless beach is a place with no strings attached. I even found a recipe for baked Alaska while reading the dictionary. It told me to look under Global Warming. But the best definition was Absolute Zero. I had a hard time understanding what exactly absolute zero was, until I remembered that it was the grade I got in my math class. Speaking of math. Math was a good class. It was a little scary though. The first day someone passed out. We couldn't find a doctor, but fortunately the professor knew a parametric. After that he taught us about binary. I get it, I finally get binary. Bi means two so clearly a binary is two canaries duh! After that he taught us multivariable Roman Numeral calculus. Finding maximums were a little tricky. He liked giving us story problems. He gave us one about New York where we had to find the constant. I know whats constant in New York. Death and Taxis. Then he gave us one about a dog's eyesight. Everyone knows houndsight is 20/20 then we had to find how much the dog weighed 16 ounces per hound. But our professor was a little nerdy. He presented at a Star Trek convention. His speech was entitled finding Nemoy. He talked about fixing a car using spock plugs. Then he got off into the differences in various Star Wars Fighters, you know the X wings, the Y wings, he even had Chebacca's Wookie card. After math came physics. We talked about the opposite of pulleys pusheys. We even threw small metal musical instruments into water to discuss dampened harmonica motion. After physics came zoology. I learned that there is a special scientific name for a lazy kangaroo they call them pouch potatoes. The opposite of a bacteria is a fronteria. I learned what came after the tape worm, the Cdworm. And from my pre-med friends I learned about some various injuries people have survived from. The guy who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully re-covered. And the guy who backed into a meat processing plant got a little behind in his work. We also learned about aging. Did you know that uhm er what was that word oh yeah Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu? You know you have forgot this before. And speaking of aging, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home and how do I get me some!? Thank you Good night, I am going to practice a little comic relief and stop talking now."

Thunderous applause. And I was in the finals 4th place for that comedy routine. There you have it. I hope you enjoyed it and I also hope it was too crude or offensive for you tastes. Good night, good luck, may you be enlightened.

Monday, January 14, 2008

May I just say...

COMPUTERS ARE STUPID!!! Now that that is out I feel much better. So for 4 days now I have been trying to solve a problem. I finally gave up and went to the professor. Whereas it failed for 4 days consecutively, the second that I get the teacher it decides to work. Yay for Irony!

Thursday, January 10, 2008


First an apology to my faithful readers. Last week's post about Afghanistan, Tasers, Ikea (coolest store ever) and bagpipes may have confused a few. Humorous yes, but the actual links you were looking for can be found here:



Plastic Lenin Statue:

And clicking the last two posts leads to why bagpipes are bad on the enviornment and the chap who spent a week at Ikea.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Remember: Fe-y is the Symbol for Irony!

So let me get this straight...Things are now so bad in Pakistan they are fleeing to Afghanistan for safety! Oy Vey! Click here.

Today's Three "What the?s" and a Zap Brought to you by....

This Guy!

That's right folks, by clicking this easy breezy simple little link, you too can own your very own IPOD? Taser combo!

Friday, January 04, 2008

The Fluffosophizer Returns: Equations of the Universe V

Honor thy mother and father (Exodus 20:12). But how does this fit
with what we know about S=FEdKTL/(C^2TE)? The Energy we devote to
others is a form of Love, and how can we love another if it does not
start at home? Moreover how can you have a high F(G) if you do not
honor your own parents? How can you change your life without
involving others? And how do you live life if you are not created?
Parents are inherent in every term in the numerator. They are a
fundamental part of the equation of salvation.

Thou shall not kill (20:13). If you loved something, why would
you kill it? The image of God is in all things(Paraphrasing Alma
30:40). God created all things, ergo killing something for no other
purpose than to kill--that is a serious slap in the face of God. If
you are doing that you are not showing love and admiration of His
creations, you are not honoring your father, you are requiring him to
create anew the life you have taken diminishing E the energy devoted
to others. You are playing with a sacred TL/TE ratio. Thou shall not

Thou shalt not commit adultery. If you do you are taking away energy
you should have been devoting to your spouse. You run the risk of
creating a child that will not be able to honor its parents. To have
an affair also involves lying to cover it up thereby increasing your
dK term. And lowering your F term because by having an affair,
commiting adultary, you, whether you admit it or not are saying that
you have no faith that your currect relationship will workout so I
should persue another.

Thou shalt not steal (20:15). Again this one goes back to the F term.
If you need something so bad as to steal it, you are really saying
that you don't trust God enough that if you really did need it he
would provide a means of achieving it. By stealing you are not
showing love and respect for your neighbor. And you are creating
negative energy terms within the E term.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors stuff (20:17). How can you love
your God, if you are wallowing in pity over the things you don't have?
By coveting you are spending your talents to no avail. If it were
meant to be that you needed such things then God will provide a way
for you to acquire them. Covetings are things dK is made of, the
wants and desires to be overcome in this life. Finally, if you are
coveting the things of your neighbor, how is it that you can love him,
and serve him? You will instead be swallowed by the envy of his
stuff. How can you love God with your heart, soul and mind, if part of
these are devoted to your neighbor's big screen TV?

Q.E.D though not at all aparent, nor obvious, the things God has
commanded us are indeed hidden within the equation of faith. But
there is a second part of the challenge I too must prove. In Matthew
Christ says that the teachings of the profits hang upon love as well.
But can they too be found in my equations?

We will start with the LDS Articles of Faith. 1. We believe in God
the Eternal Father and in his son, Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost.
Check F(G), F(S), and the Holy Ghost being separate from the three
comes about though calculus. The Holy Ghost if you recall is hidden
by the dK upon integrating a constant companion drops out of the
equation. If you look back at your life as a whole hidden beside you
at all times, often far too small for him to be see were the pices of
a higher dimensional constant companion. He is there, but he can only
be seen when your life as a whole is viewed in retrospect. Even
though his is small, he is there, and he can be felt.

2.We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for
Adam's transgressions. Ah but adam had to sin for there to be
transgressions, thus there is a plan T(E), but we are allowed to chose
how we live our lives T(L). Thus there is also free will. For it is
our choice upon which we are graded.

3. By obedience to Christ all mankind may be saved, by obedience to
the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. A reaffirmation of the
importance of F(G) and of F(S).

4. Most important are First faith in Lord Jesus Christ (There's that
F(S) term again), second repentance (dK), third baptism by imersion
(carefully note the position of where God's plan T(E) is in the
equation, it is below the horizon of life and death. Baptism is the
journey across the divisor from the region of life we control into the
realm of God. If is not enough to catch but a glimpse of the world of
God, you must be fully immersed into it.), fourth the laying on of
hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. The last one is tricky, but it
to is hidden in there. Where it mentions the Holy ghost, we should
probably suspect that we will need to again consider the integral
notation or are previous equation. once again incase you are lost,
the definition that we have been playing with stems from the idea that
the impact of our actions depends upon the quality and quantity of our
actions. We measured the quantity of our faith with the F
multipliers. We measured the quality by our works where our works
were defined F*d which though the postulates of Einstein morphed into
EdK*T/(C^2dT) without egregious loss of generality we have been
calling dT, the change in time, simply the time that we are expected
to live. If we solve for time, by rearranging we are left with dt/t=(FE/C^2*S)dK Integrating both sides we end up with Log T = (FE/C^2*S)K+H => T=e^H*e^(FE/C^2*S)K. The constant companion term, the one we have called H when our life is viewed in retrospect from a vantage of a higher dimension (i.e. after we have integrated and added together the infinite number of important moments in our lives) The constant companion is raised to a power and applied to our lives e^H is literally the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy ghost!

We believe that man must be called of God, by prophecy. Prophecy comes by way of the TE term (the integration and approximation of dt). However, man is constrained by the speed of light term. A triffly difficult matter to overcome without the aid of God and his associates.

We believe in the same organization as the primitive church. Math is the language of the Universe, and though there is a time component in the equations upon which the church is founded, I do not believe that the equations will change over time. It is possible, and if it does my equation will enter into the realm known as dynamic systems, but as of yet equations such as that are somewhat beyond my current mathematical abilities and along with and analysis of the full generality cross product form of my equations shall have to be saved for a future date.

Ah, but what about all of the gifts, tongues, prophecies, revelations, visions, healings, interpretations and so forth, will my equations bring them forth? Yes, but the terms dealing with gifts are the products of the Holy Ghost. To bring them into play I need to use the Integral version once again. T The fullness of God's plan equals (is) the natural base e empowered with the constant companion (It seems as though the power of the Holy Ghost is throughout nature.) Applied to our nature raised to the power of faith and energy. It seems that e^F is the power of faith throughout all of nature--prophecy! So what then is the e^E term? Natural base empowered with energy--Healing! Continuing, e^(1/(C^2*S)) the natural base raised to the power of 1/all encompassing light and salvation--Revelation. And what about e^K? How is nature a part of the course of our lives? What does nature have to do with the extent of all difficulties we have over come? Perhaps the e^K term is for us to overcome our animal selves or an imploring for us to again become our perfect selves? One should also note, revelations can come to anyone, but they are strongest for those with a high degree of faith.

We believe the Bible and the book of Mormon are, as far as they are translated correctly the word of God. How does faith come about, but by knowledge I suspect those terms are tied up somehow within the all encompassing F term.

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet revel many great and important things. We have seen there is a term of revelation. This term is independent of time, thus even as time goes to 0 or infinity there is still revelation. Though we will need to know more about the fine structure constant, a property possibly inherent in the universe, that will tell us if light has always been constant and always will be. That aside, consider this though, if you believe that God ever did speak to us, why would you believe that he has now gone on hiatus and is simply leaving us to his voice mail? "You're prayers are important to us, but God is not in right now. Please leave you message and God will get back to you shortly. Beep!" Sorry, no, I think I'll pass. I would much rather have a religion where God is at least as involved as I am. Thus if god is still listening, why would he also not still be revealing his infinite secrets?

Ok. How about the 10 tribes of Israel bit, and the literal gathering of Zion? Alright on that one I am stumped. I suspect it may be another one of the intricate folds inherent within F. It may even be one of those cool terms that falls out of the cross product version of this equation. Or something cool that comes out of the fact that we have an alternative composition of the speed of light. We know that c= 1/(The electric permitivity of free space times the magnetic permeability of space)^(1/2). Does this imply cool things about religion and the universe as a whole? This too I don't know I haven't perused it yet, but give me time and I will. It does mean though that space itself is on our side of the divisor bar. It also means that God is a rational term, a real term, and that there is nothing imaginary about Him, even if he is unseen. And the other cool part hidden by yet another alternative characterization, is that pi is a fundamental part of God and religion. I mentioned that there are other ways of describing the speed of light. I mentioned two constants--One of them Mu naught is the permeability of free space and is defined as 1/4Pix10^7 N/Amperes^2. But as for the tribes of Israel still no clue.

Can I show obedience to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates. Well obedience to them tends to improve your TL score, and Faith is exercised first, on a small scale in our rulers then on a larger scale for our God. And there is the E term, energy devoted to helping others, it seems a bit difficult to me to serve others if you yourself are locked up, though I do not think that Gandhi, or Martin Luther King Jr. were in the wrong for disobeying the laws of society. I think this Article is a general guideline. It seems to me that the most important thing is the spirit of the matter and not the specific requirements. These are after all based on the idea of love. If a law, or magistrate of any sort is not based on love then it should by all means not be followed.

So can I prove the final article? Being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and doing good to all? F, E and dK all speak volumes about all of those terms. Is every single one of these based on Love--Certainly. Can they all be tied back to the equations of faith, absolutely. Good night! Good Luck! Enjoy! More post to come as I think of them!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Return of the Mad-ematician Philosophizer

Equations of the Universe Part IV

When we left I had issued myself a challenge, to explore what unique mysteries could be unearthed in my equations. As a refresger, the equation we came up with last time was that S=F(G)F(S)*E*dK*T(L)/(C^2*T(E)). Where S is salvation. F(G)F(S) is a term representing our total faith, faith in God and Faith in the Son. There are some questions as to the exact nature of this term, but for now we shall leave it as either two separate terms F(S)F(G) or simply write it as one term F. E is the energy we devote to others in our thoughts, and deeds. The term dK is a measure of the things that we have overcome in life. T(L)/T(E) is the ratio of how long we live over how long we could have lived if we had followed God's plan. C^2 is the speed of light squared--a constant, albeit a very large one. Terms in hand, let us now continue our explorations of the subject at hand. We will start with a quote. A quote from the Bible itself.

"Master, which is the greatest commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thous shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandmaents hang all the law and the prophets"(Matthew 22:36-40). Step one Love God with all you've got. In other words maximize F(G) and ergo you cannot love the Father and not love the son. They share the same purpose. Thus F(S)is also maximized. Regardless if F(G) and F(S) are two separate terms or one intwined term, loving God with all of your heart mind and soul is fairly well going to maximize the term. Step two, love thy neighbor as thyself e.g. you must a. love yourself, and b. love your neighbor. If you are doing this you will maximize E and dk. For the energy you devote to others is a sign of how much you love them. The energy you devote to yourself in overcoming obstacles and making your life better (dK) is evidence of a love for self. Moreover, if you love God, and yourself, it seems unlikely you will prematurely cut your life short, thus if we assume T(L)=T(E) salvation is maximized.

But there is another caveat, "on this the other commandments and profits hang". This implies that the other commandments are but special cases of this equation and should derive from it. We'll start with Exodus 20:2-7 "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me. No Graven images, and no using my name in vain either" It would appear that God doesn't want us to have a suboptimal F(G)F(S) term. Continuing in Exodus we read, "Six Days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath..." If all of our time were devoted to God, and none to anyone else our Faith term will be maximized, but the energy term devoted to others will be 0. 0 times anything profits us nothing because didn't serve anyone else. By the same argument, if we do not have time for ourselves we cannot change dK and we end up with the same result. So, the way to have the greatest T(L), the time we have lived is to Keep god in our mind's, but to keep 6 days for ourselves and others and to devote 1 day solely to God. This means that 6Edk=F(G) and since we earlier postulated that F(G) might =C. IF this were true we could then solve for how much energy we must devote to our selves and others. But at this point an important distinction must be made F(G) is only our faith in God, and if our faith is at least equal in magnitude to that of light then we can attain salvation, but there is nothing that says it must only be equal to light. I was wrong earlier. God is not light, but created light. God is more than light. And our faith in God is not the same thing as the power of God for God is infinite, though his manifestations of his powers may be tied in to our faith in Him. If faith were allowed to be infinite instead of a fixed constant as I suspected earlier and if we also postulate backed by our equations that God's plan for us is inversely proportionate to our faith, this would explain why so many scientific discoveries quite often happen so close to each other. It would also explain why there could be only one Christ. If Christ had infinite faith this means God can assign to him infinite responsibility and have no need for a back up plan, because the probability of failure limits to zero. Whereas, us mortals have a certain faith and therefore a certain probability of following God therefore necessitating a backup plan should we choose not to follow God's will hence why so many stories sound similar, why so many inventions come about at the same time, and why so often multiple people will make the same revolutionary scientific discoveries around the same time. So we cannot say that 6EdK=C or even C^2 because F(G) and F(S) are not bounded as I had thought earlier. At the point where our actions and energies do = C^2 it implies that salvation will be light in all directions, we will be surrounded by light and yet aparently are works and energies can achieve a greatness even higher than that!

(A brief diversion if you will but allow, Why is it that we should pay tithing? Let us consider the metaphor that our talents are as the ancient parable suggests rather like money. God gave us an initial set of talents this initial investment was his principle. Now we may as we choose spend our principle. We may spend it on our selves, or we may spend our talents for the betterment of others. If we do nothing with what we are given that is when bad things happen. However, even the greatest savings account, the one of us with all of the talent in the world, if none is reinvested, it will eventually be spent. It has been said by many that paying a tithe has yielded them great benefits, if this were true this would be our means of reinvestment, and if done constantly it would be continuously compounding interest the rate of growth that is fastest. So why then should we study, go to church and possibly even serve on a mission? Because God is not only interested in increasing our pocketbooks he is interested in expanding our lives. Daily prayer, and readings of the sacred books are a daily tithe of our time and talents, Church is the weekly tithe we pay, and a mission should it so be chosen is a tithe of the premium portion of our lives. All of which will require thought not of your self, opting not to spend now in favor of more later. All are a choice, but all will yield bounteous returns.)

Honor thy Mother and Father. Is that why God Himself took the Sabath? To honor his own parents? Did an omnipotent God really need a Sabath? An infinitely powerful God, is different than an all powerful God, yet both are still Devine. Did God need the rest or was it for our benefit? These are the things I wonder. Unfortunately even my equations offer no advice upon the matter. However, they do yield insight into why we must honor our mother's and fathers. It is there I will start next time.