Thursday, March 29, 2007

Comedy Bronze

So I have never tried my hand at stand up comedy...So I thought I'd try sit down comedy. It has been said that you can only make fun of the things you know, So I guess that leaves me doing jokes about white nerdy middle class protestants. You know what that means, now not only will I tick off the NSA, but also the Klan. I never wore glasses in school--The bullies kept taking them. And its just hurtful and not true that Nerds wear their pants about four inches above their saddle shoes, I am a nerd I know this, its only 3. For once in my life I couldn't do my math, the other day my slide rule ran out of batteries , so'd my pencil. You know those guys who you paid to do your homework, yeah, I never was one of them... I was their Union boss. Yesterday, things got a little messy--Uhm, I forgot to wear protection. My pen leaked. I forgot my pocket protector. When the paternity test came back I got an A+ (And I didn't even study.)
I think I could have made a really good cowboy. I would mossey down to the OK coral, solve for K and challenge some cow poke to draw... He'd whip out his gun, I'd whip out my abacus, calculate the trajectory of his ballistic projectile... and probably be dead. I had a GREAT date yesterday! I brought my calculus book and the girl never showed. It took 12 hours before I noticed. Oh, before that, I was doing some programming homework. If any of you have ever programmed before, you are usually programing something that is really annoying and time consuming to do. My homework was just that, long, hard, tedious and boring. Just like... we won't go there. So I wrote a program to do it for me. Just type in my program, and let the computer do it all the work. What I was trying to have the computer do was write a program that would write the program for me. While I was doing this, the computer responded with a message. It was worried about losing items in its memory. So it reached out and slapped a post it note on my head. So they say I need to get out more, get some excercise. I tell them that I already have some of the most well defined muscles on the planet. (My mother tells me my joystick controlling muscles don't count.) My Dad says playing sports, especially full contact sports would do me good. I tell him I do play a sport, its even full contact. Surprised, he asked me what I played, I told him. Tag. I'm 22.
So being a computer programmer, last week I had to attend a convention--A Star Trek Convention. I was hosting it. It was in my Mom's basement. It went for two weeks, we all came out level twelves.
Personally, I like TVs--They make great paper weights. In all seriousness I do love to watch a few shows. Channels 7 and 9 have some really great stuff, unfortunately they are always begging you to use the telephones instead.
I never had a lot of friends in school but now Hey, I have friends, and they don't even have weird names like Poindexter or Einstein. Just plain old ordinary guys, with ordinary names like Billy and Alan--You know Gates, and Yankovich.
So, I had a computer problem the other day. I thought I'd call tech support--The line was busy. Aparently, the call got patched through to my house.
In elementary school, we had a sub, you know the ones fresh out of high school, terrified of being in front of little kids, doing this only because they need 30 hours of student teaching. You know the kind, the one's that trembled at the very mention of having to answe a question. Well, I had one of those. I had a question. I politely asked her, and she told me to find the smartest kid in the class and ask him. I told her I was. She quit. I continued teaching. I was in third grade. I would do more, but my 57 Advanced Credit classes and 11 extra credit assignments in the classes I don't have are do. So, Good Night, Good Luck, and come check it out, next week I am performing live and in person in the exclusive and fully booked Shower.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Fitch and The Beast

What of that fearsome beast?
The one that came from the East?
Did we heros fall?
Under its maul?
Did his gaping face
tear into us in that place?
Ranger, Dorf, Dewey and I?
We poked that cretin right in the eye.
Unable for him to see,
For us it was an easy victory.
When the last of the skulls we slew,
We now had real work to do.
'Afore again leaving that room,
Many a restless villager we did re-entomb.
Return these souls to rest,
that is what we thought best.
Long we stayed.
And long we wielded our spade.
And when our grim task was done,
To adventuring we returned to have our fun.
But before we got far,
Around us shown instantly a light brighter than the brightest star.
Dewey, the ranger, and the dorf no more could I find.
I looked around and realized I had left the world I once knew behind.
Much to my surprize
I found bars before my eyes.
Of all the places I could befall,
I landed smack amid a carnival.
Neither Allais Bedovar, Dewey Hackenbash, nor Ulfgar were in sight.
Something just wasn't right.
And to make matters a wee bit more absurd,
In the cage next to me was an elf more colored than a bird.
He begged to be free,
It was toward me he did plea.
But here my brain did fork,
For also beside me was a bardic orc?
Into what weird world
Had I just been hurled?
Donned me my cloak of etherial tailor.
Strode through the bars of my material jailor.
Got me pick
Put it to their lock and did the trick.
Ah, fresh air...
But not for long, for we saw the gaurds who didn't want us there.
Did we fools escapes?
How long in freedom would we trapse?
An orcish bard--
that's a tale that will make you thinkest hard.
A polychromatic elf,
that's a story for a humanlings shelf.
But tune in again and you shall see,
A delightful story wroght with glee.
Read again to see how the story goes
This is one you should knows...

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Things NO ONE will Listen to...

1. Albums of Math book sing-a-longs

2. The Phone book on tape.

3. Static, white noise and other classic hits.

4. Talk Show the musical complete with Sing Alongs.

5. Phone Book the musical.

6. Dissonance: The Sound of the unresolved chords

7. So You Think You Can Play Violin. The Musical where the cast presents random people off the street with a Stratovarious Violin and sees if they can create beautiful music.

8. Stirring lectures on the History of Banana Slug Colonization.

9. Models of Tree Sloth Acceleration.

10. How to write books for Dummies for Dummies

11. A recording of a three year old with Laryngitis counting threads in your shirt.

12. The Scrape: A musical composition based on the best of fingernail and blackboard enthusiasts.

13. The Poking Your Eyeball Sonata

14. Colonoscopies the soundtrack

15. Tapes made the night your child was concieved

16. Listening to a stutterer reading the Oxford Dictionary.

17. Alvin and the Chipmonks Post Puberty CD with new extend Bass riffs from Theodor

18. Computer sounds: A new age symphony composed entirely using the internet modem connection noise.

19. Busy Signal the Encore.

20. Space Chords: an epic saga

21. 1930s Early Cowbow Music Remixed.

22. Nagging the four part Opera

23. 101 Variations on John Cage's 4:33

24. The Jackhammer Express

25. Uncensored Conversations With a Sailor.

26. Enumeration of the Desert Sands: The Cantata

27. A list of all of the Insults used by WowBagger The Infinitely Prolonged.

28. A soundtrack of all of the best computer voices on the corporate world and their favorite sayings.

29. Marvin the Robots Self help book.

30. The all theramin Orchestra.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

A Beautiful Post I Have Found...

To Fred, and Michelle, whomever she might be:
Your poem is captivating. I found it in my random internet perusings and with your permission I would like to post it here.

Its a life with a thousand thorns along the way.
Sometimes it hurts but in the end its a beautiful day.
Like the stem of a rose bud its long and painful with a beautiful end.

--Composed by a friend, and though we hath never met.
They are my friends even yet.

Friday, March 02, 2007

A few Hundred Skeletons in the Closet

I'm not dead yet!
Wanna bet.
Here's the game palyed.
Against an army of undead, battle arrayed.
After the bounty at Luck's den.
We returned hastily to the barkeeps daughter afore she met her end.
She was to be sacrificed in a horrid rite
At the witching hour in the night.
We got there,
With zero time to spare.
The maiden's bodice was about to be ripped bare
Surrounded by undead she had quite the scare.
The master necromance'
Was about to end fair Elishia's life's dance.
The unerring archer Allais Bedovar
Concealed himself in the cornar.
The gnome,
He went home.
Silent Suzy,
Went off feeling Woozy.
The druid and wolf that inspires fear.
They left and were out of here.
Our forces were bereft.
Dewey, Fitch, Bedovar
And the sturdy dwarf Ulfgar
Were all that were left.
Amid an undead sea
Bodyless bodies were all that we could see
But it was the ranger who shot first.
For the Necromancer's blood his bolts did thirst.
Straight and true
Evil's blood the arrow drew.
Deep into the 'mancers spine.
Those shots stopped the plot of his wicked mind.
Unerring the targets did find.
Now the maiden we had to unbind.
But between us and her
was an undead blur.
Dewey with his axe
began his hacks.
So did the lad who was stocky.
He bashed so many he got cocky.
As for I
My cloak I did try.
In an instant I vanished from the plane material
into the realm etherial.
In the screams of the dead I was drownt
Here lay more souls than I could count.
No more did the souls bleed,
But for me to give them rest they did plead.
Through the throngs I waded.
I was to save the one who waited.
Instantly reappeared did I
From Elishia's lips a terror stricken cry did fly.
It was then the undead attack,
Imbedded itself deep within my back.
Pick the locks
Their blows I could not blocks.
The thrashings I took,
Such that fair Elishia would be off the hook.
I was weak, but she was free,
Thanks to the bloody back of me.
Into the world of the dead.
We escaped this one and fled.
Into tears she broke,
Whilst staying tightly wrapped in my cloak.
Through the mass
Silently we did pass.
The room of fear
We sought to clear.
We were done,
We left Dewey and dorf have their fun.
But when the last of the of death's minions was no more,
It was then we saw the door.
From it came,
A sight that gave faint unto the dame.
It was a fetid nightmare
that gave her and us such a scare.
In utter pain I was wracked,
Still I drew Isenghast and attacked.
Behind the beast I tracked.
Into his back I sneak attacked.
Off his wicked hoof with my sword I shore,
In a crumpled heap the monster hit the floor.
But raised he again upon his thighs.
Snapped at us he caught us by surprize.
Lest our faces he should maul
Our backsides we did haul.
It was off to safety
to where we did flee.
With the barkeeps daughter we did leave.
We didn't run, of the battle we just took a reprieve.
Upon the maiden's request,
We weary adventurers took a rest.
But finished with that fersome beast,
We were not, not in the least.
Did we slay
The unholy terror on that day,
Or was there a feast,
Upon us by the beast?
I had already died once before?
Will Fitch see Death once more?
Come again
To find what did happen with that demon.
Of more I know you itch?
But read you here again to find out what became Fitch.