More Alternative definitions (The bold words are real words look them up if
you want, they are too weird to be fiction)
1. Chakra and Aura
President Bush's plan for invading Iraq
Babaurhum A batter cake raised with Yeast and saturated with rum
A word from on high
Babu or Baboo Hindu title for sir
A cry at nights sleep
Rome in the fall
1.Opposite of fronth
2. To return --take Bach
a real Roman Winer
A really bad pioneering guy. One who can't tie the knot or get hitched.
8. Bactrian Camel
One who got over the hump
9. Back bite
Where the mosquito got you
How you relieve said mosquito bite
The small LDS group located near the frontward
Its just a phage
See Boy Scouts
14. Baffin Island
A real cool place
A city sized crater in Iraq
The Air force
1.What you make in prison
2. When in a boat and this happens see also wet suit
What gets you hooked on fishing
19. Baked Alaska
See Global Warming
20. Baker's Bread
One who feels kneaded
Baksheesh A tip or gratuity in Egypt
21. Baking powder
See Meth Lab
22. Vasco Nunez de Balboa
Ya got something in your teeth
24. Ball and socket joint
What will be made of Titanium in 50 years
A woman who is always on her toes
Something worth a shot
How to balance your checkbook
28. Hot air balloon
See high rise
A slow love song
What we did to Baghdad
Balneology The science of bathing
A meat you get fed from the feds
A Sea average
33. Baltimore Oriole
A team member not likely to win the pennant
a growth spurt (bamboo is the fastest growing land plant)
One twisted fruit
See Three year olds
something that leaves you wondering whats the hold up
37. Band Saw
a musical group based on a recent horror movie
38. Band Wagon
A group with a large following
An American hero of foklore
1. Strum thing to do
2. A man who speaks with a twang
Something going through withdrawls
The system at Weber State that is always crashing [for those of you who
don't ge to school here Banner is the name of the computer system and it is
Something leaving you wondering what's the catch?
Food that is in your face!
If done by a basketball player, its a slam dunk
A cleanup on Isle 5
48. The MTC
A catch phrase or ism used by a cutter of hair
Something for when you need a lift
A city with some Spaining to do
What guys shave in the morning
What an undertaker does
The scene from the movie TWISTER, if you've seen the movie you know the
scene I am talking about
Its waht Bwrings us here towether twoday
Barranca A steep deep hole in Southwestern US
Barratry A crime meaning misuse of office
One who rules over a parcel of land
The things you say when you have had a little too muck to drink
A dangerous game chemists play involving spheres of --OH ions
Full of Bash See Barbarian
64. Base line
The riff played by the guy with the large upright stringed instrument
The country who will probably win this years world cup
The jester being walled up inside a cathedral asked if he was trying to be
made a nave of.
Something to reed
67. Los Angeles Basketball
A lot of HoopLA
Basque A tight fitting womens tunic
68. Battering Ram
A sheep charged with spousal abuse
69. Bathing Cap
Slang for the skipper of a ship while cleansing him/herself
An adjective used to describe undercooked pancakes
71. Battle Royal
A war between the Hapsbergs
The oppocite of good
What will continue until the moral improves
Goes well with cream cheese
What you will be getting a bill for
76. Bean Caper
The Stealing of a pea
77. Bear Skinned
1. The latest in fashion
2. The rug in a hunting lodge
A time shaver
79. Beast of Burden
Kids carrying school backpacks
What I can't keep
The grade little Jimmy received for always talking back but doing it nicely
The flattening of stinging insects
The answer to the question Why
George Bush's brother Billy's nickname
85. Bed Molding
What happens to your sheets if you don't dry them
He wants to remove his sleeping pad and thus be bed ridden
87. Bedtime story
A real sleeper
88. Water Bed
[Beehive--Beeholder--beholder>spectator>specked tater-->Rotten potato]
1. Places where you can get the latest buzz
2. What a bee gets after wandering into poison Ivy
Beetle also means an overhang
A bee with gas
What happens when your cross an insect with a chicken
The chemicals used to get rid of befouls and behives
What an insect yells while playing golf
What makes bebes
How you shoot bees
A flying insect related to the behebutterfly
What you get if you cross a cow and a black and yellow flying insect
A COMPLETELY different color than tan, camel, brown or any of the other
brown like colors
99. Toll Road
A road lined with bells
Bellona The wife of Mars Goddess of war
101. Bell hop
A dance just for bells
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The Alternative Dictionary by John Boom
Many of you know what words mean. Here now is a list of what words "really" mean. I present to the world the first installment of the Alternative Definition Dictionary
1. The Spice Girls
- The Big Apple
- Stamp collection
Cut and paste
7. The PTA
- A play boy
- Well Toned and really Buff
One is what you do to a printer the other is what you do to a floor
What Mickey does while they are at home
- Copy machine
The right click button on a mouse
12. Paper Jam
Similar to Pearl Jam but without the edge
A fallout shelter
The grade one will never get out of the cranky professors class
One whose vark is vorse than its vite
Ab The eleventh month of the Jewish calendar
Any obscenities found in the song “Dancing Queen”
What you catch afish with
1. A word whose life was cut short
2. A word that needs Miracle Gro.
See Gastrointestinal tract
Abinitio from the beginning
- Abominable Snowman
Your neighbor’s winter construction that is a mere 2 feet taller than yours.
- About ship
Liposuction (ab raid)
Plains of Abraham
Where we looked for weapons of mass destruction
- How you cross ariver
- see “Southern Statistics—Mean”
The term for when elementary school breaks were taken away
The opposite of exercise
The kinesthetic awareness of having a potgut
- Absentee Ballot
Votes that don’t really count
A really bad internet provider
What the school secretary, the one with a lisp, marked you as
- Perfect pitch
The one that won the World Series
- Absolute Value
The name of a local five and dime
- Absolute zero
The grade you got in said professors class
A cleaning fluid for stomachs
What Absolve cleans
Abstemious eating and drinking in moderation, along with facetious, is a word that has all of the vowels in their proper order.
1. Having rubber grip on your stomach
2. A person named Abs when she breaks her thigh
The opposite of Dr. Seuss
- See also the “Roll Waltz”
- A film festival held in
The act of sitting on gum
How you did in said professors class
A tree that gets right to the point
A 16-year sentence w/o parole
- Academy Awards
Praising people for not being themselves
A famous actor (actually a genus of mite)
Something you have to force yourself to do
Something you were forced to measure
- Bless you!
- A sign of stress
- What occasionally happens around children
Usually preceded by an award
- Accident Prone
Getting hit while lying down
Similar to lemonade, but made with accos
- Acid Fast
What hard rockers do on the first Sunday of every month.
Dealing with pressing demands
When things are going slow
Adamite one who goes naked in imitation of Adam, such as was the practice of some early religious sects
An Arabic shoe company
Red tape dispenser
Adscititious supplemental, added from an external source
To make holey
An airy subject
A fabled story teller
A six year old’s largest number, often coupled with suffices --plus one or --billion
The fly landed on me and afflict it
The happiest times in most people’s college careers
The end of the help wanted subscriptions
- After taste
Greasy fast food
- Old age
Mortal coil shuffling
A definition with no bearing
Ahimsa the doctrine that all life is one and sacred resulting in the principle of nonviolence toward all
Making decisions on the wing
- Air hose
pump and circumstance
- Non-working air ship
- Air strip
A ghost’s burlesque house
- Air taxi
The only thing you are likely to catch in
How people shop
- Alarm Clock
- A slumber slaughterer
- An annoying ring tone
A story where allegory details have been omitted
- An open and closed case
- A snap judgment
Random joke from beyond:
What do you call Halloween in the
A book by Charles Dickens—Allover Twist
The fist bid of the night in
Amaranthine Unfading/ undying
Why your food cost 25$ instead of 3
Ambivert one who is both introverted and extroverted
85. Amateur farmer
Not a pro-tractor
A guy you gotta hand it to
- Ammunition makers
A type of eel
Right place, wrong time
A sign that you got owned
When ya just gotta split
1. Anchor management
2. A breeze to learn
A city state
- Angler Fish
A deep thinker
What your two year old is not
A lively discussion
- A temper tantrum
- A really tall basketball player
Your mother’s sister
Apocope to shorten the last letters of a word
Apteryx a kiwi
Arrack strong oriental drink made from rice molasses and coconut milk
Arraign To call into account. To question
101 .Arrack and Arraign
Two countries in the middle East President Bush believes to have weapons of mass destruction.
No directions included
101 KNOCK KNOCK JOKES
So the inspiration for this batch of awful came from that old scout
camp song stay on the sunny side of life. This song involves quite a
few knock knock jokes and the camp was getting bored with the same old
repetoir so I decided i would come up with 101 new ones for them.
Most of these are terrible a few are worse and some are funny though
all are clean.
1. Knock knock
2. Knock knock
Harvey up and oven the door I gotta go
3. Knock knock
Jazz open the door
4. Knock knock
Irene waiting all day for you to oven the door
Warren you like to know
Edgar you open up or else
I'll give ya a shiny new Nichole if ya open up
Ima comin in so ya'd better open up
And Morris on the way
Get some new material, I've bird all these before
Ma name is forest
13. Knock Knock
No its pronounced Kangeroo
14. Knock knock
Patato that's who
Aw don't cry about it
he's an owl
Over zealous sports fan
Yes I can canoe?
22. Knock knock
Incagnito that's who
Ivy wainting here all day for you to open the door
25. Knock knock
Its cold and I want to be worm
Tooth hurty who
Naw its only three seventeen not two thirty two
But I swear I'm telling the tooth
But ain't you gwain to let me in?
Edgar you let me in or Elza
30. Knock knock
Hat's all folks
31. Knock Knock
Alf fooled you hats not all
Wally atchee Dooly Doo
Walt ya be my neighbor
Wilt ya please let me in?
For whom the Bella tolls, its tolls for thee
Gabon Let me in!
Just zed me in.
Panther no panths I'm goin thwimin
Pleathe won't thomone open the thor?
Ya'd better open the door cause I'll Natalya
I. Samba who
I.Samba goin ta open tha door or what?
Doot doot doot GEORGE ! (charge)
Let me Aspen it to you one more time
I knocked, solome in
Alistened to you, know you listen to me.
My voice is getting a little Horace
Billy Ford Tough
Give me all your money its a Robby
Tick em up, its a tongue tied wobber
I told ya its a Robby give me all ya wallace
For Christmas we can go a carolyn
Willy please open the door, I asked nicely.
I cooked breakfast, but my egbert
I lenny him money, but he never returned it
56. Knock knock
Ma blue zwade zeus
I need a comb for my Hera
De electrician came to read demeter
I tried to return something, but needed proof of perseus
You WILL trellis your name and where they are hiding!
Jose can you see
I worked all night I have every right to be yanni
I am so Matt at you, you didn't open the door
64. Knock knock
I knocked because the doris closed
Ya wanna play hacky zack?
Camp with any new knock knock jokes yet?
Man, last week I had a neredeth experience
Eli Whitney, that's who, he invented the colton gin
Ya wanna fo Bobby for apples?
Its bess if you open the door
I couldn't get to sleep without the help of the santa man
72. hair spray
Hair spray who?
hair spray, gone tomorrow
I Paul down, go Boom!
74. Adam Ant
Adam Ant who?
I am adam ant that you open this door right now!
If ya ain't got no beds I'll sleep on the flora
Be friends and Stop the Haiti
Can somethin be donna bout these jokes?
Jaques in the boques
Box Brando who?
Box Brando-berg concerto its a really good song
Door bell ditcher
I gotta go, for breakfast I had a brian muffan
82. Knock Knock
Go Go Mario, Mario and Luigi. Fight for Right ! Fix the pipe! set the
I phil your pain
Wilde you were sleeping I found another way in
On your martha, get setha goa
Marris is what bwrings us hwere twogethwer twoday
87. Knock knock
These knock knock jokes are given me a headache, I need some sallycyclic acid
Can you do me a favor and run me an erin
89. Knock knock
Luke Mark Mattew John
Luke Mark My words I will Mattew John the darkside
Wear camouflage Blonde in
93. Knock knock
Go home where you blonde
is air anybody home?
95. Darleen Dunce
Darleen dunce who?
Darleen Dunce with me
96. Knock knock
Mash hysteria, that's who
98. Knock knock
Oprah up its the police
Olny the Shadow Nose
Alls wells that ends wells
My jokes have reached a new LOLa
101 Bird jokes
1. How much did the warbler pay for the item?
Not much he got it cheap cheap, for a song in fact
2. What do you call it when a seagull flies over an enclosed body of water=
A bay gull
3. Who did the the seagull marry?
The Gull of his dreams
4. What is a favorite book among the charadriiforms?
5. Why was the tern dupped so easily?
It was Gull-able
6. What do birds compete in?
7. What do you call a selfish podipediform?
8. Which bird was locked away in an insane assylum?
9. What did the bird die of?
A heron overdose
10. What is the motto of a bird?
Beak there done that
11. Why are geese so knowledgeable?
They have all the ansers
12. Which bird is popular amoung the oil industry?
13. Where do charadriiformes go to get an education?
14. What is a popular dance amoung ciconiiformes?
15. What do you call a hot phoenicopterus?
16. What is a popular game involving getting rows and colums of
Flam-ingo its like bingo but for the birds
17. What do you call an inbred bunch of Albatross?
18. What is a famous Greek play about an albatross killing her young?
19. What do you call an avian electronic circuit component?
20. Why is it dificult to keep secrets in the Antarctic?
There are too many Prion eyes
21. What does an antarctic ornithologist read?
An Adelie paper (Daily paper)
22. What do you call a gracious penguin?
23. When a penguin plays checkers does he get a king??
24. Larry Bird Played basketball. I have his rookery card.
25What type of carpeting does an arctic/antarctic ornithologist have?
26. The Gannet was Looking Sulan.
27. What is one problem ornithologists face?
Taking took much for gannet
28. Who was a famous Turkish Gannet?
Sula-mon the Magnificent
29. Which bird is a famous rock star?
30. Where can you find coastal charadriiformes?
31. Did you see the Gullp?
Whats a gull-p
Its like a swallow but bigger
32. What do you call a fast moving cat in water?
33. How do you keep tract of arctic circumnavigating birds at an amusement
Whith a Tern-stile
34. What does a dungeons and dragons bird cleric do well?
35. Why was the Gygis alba being bad?
It was Noddy
36. Which bird is a famous behavioralist?
37. What do you plug a bird into?
A power Auklet
38. What do you call two bird organic chemistry molecules?
39. What is a chicken's favorite Shakespearean play to act out?
40. What killed a large number of birds during the French revolution?
41. Which bird are you likely to find painted on walls?
42. Which bird has a national forest in California?
The Murre Woods
43. What do you call an avian stalker?
A secret ad-murre-er
44. What is the most common occupation of a Uria aalge?
45. What does an ornithologist call a cell phone charge?
46. Which blood sucking count did the Puffin go as for Halloween?
47. Why is fratercula corniculata an out of shape bird?
Because They're always huffin and Puffin.
48. What is a ornithologists favorite movie?
Puffin the magic dragon
49. Why is the three little pigs an ornithologists favorite movie?
Because the Big bad wolf threatens to Huffin and Puffin and blow the house
50. Which part of a bird was a president?
51. Why are loons so talkative?
They have the gift of gavia (Gab)
52. Where does a gaviiform get its clothes?
They are all handmade on a loon
53. What do you call a latex gaviiform?
54. Who was a famous bird photographer during the civil war?
55. How does a podipediformes complain?
By airing his/her grebences
56. What do you call a random assortment of birds?
A Grebe Bag 9grab Bag)
57. Why does an Anseriforme like the number 2?
Because it is swan plus swan
58. What do you call a yukon Gay Bar?
A Canada Goose (Sorry!)
59. What do you call it if you cannot choose a particular family of duck?
An Eider or Situation
60. What is a fun nursery rhyme dealing with anseriforms on a rainy day?
The Itsy Bitsy Eider
61. What is a favorite drink among Somaterias?
62. Melanitta Perspicillata is the scientific name for the Surf Scoter. If
this duck is found in Canada would it be a Nova Scoter?
63. How do ornithologist get around?
On a scoter (scooter)
64. What is a popular James Bond Film based on a duck species?
65. Which bird "wrote" Princess Bride?
66. Which Duck sailed around the world?
67. Which duck discovered the Titanic?
68. Where do birds shop?
At the General Stork
69. Which firey letter of the alphabet is really a bird?
The flaming "O"
70. What childhood game do greater flamingos play?
Cops and rubers
71. What is a classic flamingo comeback?
I ruber your glue ...
72. Why is wonder woman a bird?
Because she is a Heron (Heroine)
73. From whom do birds rent cars?
74. Who were the favorite avian characters on Sesame Street?
Bird and Ernie
75. Why are features of bird bill so well versed in mythology?
They know their lores
76. Which part of a bird is in the Bible?
Saul of tarsus
77. Why is on the wing a synonym for running from the law?
Because he doesn't want to be behind bars (wing bars)
78. How does a bird eat?
With a knifula and furkula
79. What does a passiform take camping?
Everything but the kitchen syrinx
80. Where does a bird go if it needs counciling?
81. If you put a bird in the dryer on extra hot what happens?
81. In ancient Egypt there is the statue of the great syrinx.
82. What type of song bird is always jerking back?
The flinch or possibly the Jamaican Jerk Chicken
83. What is a midevil scholar's favorite bird?
84. Which bird is also a storm?
85. Where do birds put their cars?
In Larking spots
86. What does a rope using bird do?
Whipporwill (Whips well)
87. Which bird can take down a tree?
88. Which member of the Struthioniformes is crenulated?
89. Which struthioniform is a form of insurance agent?
90. What do you call medievil surf birds?
91. What do you call a curmudgeonly rallidae?
An Old Coot
92. What do you call a sharpshooting rostratulid?
93. What is the luckiest bird?
The four leaf plover
Auks and skua are two diferent types of birds yet they have the same name
94. What happend to the tall chucker?
It hit a grouse spurt
96. Why can't population biologist predict the number of tetronidae?
Because it will always be a grouse underestimate
97. Where do tropical ornithologists go for cheap Mexican food?
99. What happens if you cross a canary with a fan?
You get shredded tweet
100. What was a movie made by Mel Gibson about Biblical Song birds?
The Passerine of Christ
101. How does a bird remove a nut?
With wrens (Wrench)
102 What do you call a point just touching once on a bird?
1. why did the person fail the cadaver lab?
She just couldn't cut it
2. Why isanatomy so hard?
Because the professor is really sternum
3. Who is this book written for?
4. Why are tails so mean?
they just need to be caudaled
5.Why is the spinal column so audacious?
Because he's got nerve
6. Why is the eye like the moon?
They're both in orbit
7.Which part of the human anatomy is president of the galaxy?
8.Which part of your anatomy was a the king of rock and roll?
9.I never metatausal I didn't like
10.What are the epic poems about the pelvic region
The Illiac and the oddysey
11.If you cut someone's lower back are you then a lumbar jack?
12. What are these jokes not?
They are not humerus
13.What squaking gland of the digestive tract does long john silver
have on his shoulder?
The parot-id gland
14. In What do you entomb a mummy's throat?
15.What do you find on tacky tourist anatomy t shirts?
Spleen there got the Tshirt
16.Why must you never loose you fatty fold near you intestines?
Because of the law of conservation of omentum
17. What punctuation mark can be found in the body?
18.What did the anatomist do to his cars?
19.What part of the digestive tract was named after a famous
psychologist of the 1800s?
20 Did you know there is an old James Bond movie named after a part of the body?
Liver let die
21.If you see a organ flying overhead what is it?
A gull bladder
22. How do you climb a body?
With a step bladder
23.Who did the colon-ol marry?
His beloved Gal-bladder
24 Name a lymphoid movie star?
25.How do muscles go up and down?
26. Where do skeletal muscles dispose of their solid wastes?
27.What is the main act in an anatomical circus?
The man on the flying trapezius
28.What do you call someone mining minerals on someones chest?
29.name an old black and white holywood horror film named after a
muscle near the arm?
Nos-serratus (nosferatus was a vampire movie)
30.Which muscle will freshen your breathe?
31. What muscle can be found in mississippi/
The mississippi river deltoid
32. What do you call an enemy's police force?
The oponens Pollicis
33.The oponens Pollicis?
Is the anatomy from Poland?
34.How do you hold muscles together?
With super gluteus
35.What muscle will solve profound mathematical equations?
A Riemann Tensor
36.If an anatomist is kidnapped by aliens what does he/she say?
I was adductored by aliens
37. Why is anatomy so hard?
Because its subject matter is so vastus
38.What muscle was a leader of Argentina in the 1940s?
39.How do you confort a grieving muscle?
give them soleus(solace)
40.What do you call something made up by a muscle?
41.What do anatomists store fluids in?
A jugular trunk
42.Michael Crighton wrote a book about dinosaurs in an anatomy lab,
what was it called?
43.Name a movie about anatomy starring Whoopi Goldberg?
44.What is a lymphatic exclaimation of intelligence?
45.What gland is responsible for hocking luggies?
46.Parsley, sage, rosemary , and thymus
47.Why was the endocrine student so upset?
He failed a teste
48.How did the doctor diagnose the comatose patient?
It was a no brainer
49.What is the favorite music structure of an anatomist?
Anything with Spinal chords
50.What is the unholy nerve?
The one that is sacral-igious to speak of
51.What nerve is the favorite nerve among the forelorn?
52.Which arteries have gender?
The male and femoral arteries
53.Why was the boy nerve attracted to the girl nerve?
Because of her cutaneous
54. Why was the nerve always upset?
Its just surally (surly)
55. Why can you never undestand neural art?
Its just sural (surreal)
56. What was the knight of the nerves known as?
57.What nerve sell peanuts?
58.Where will you find a vegetable in your body?
In your carrot id artery
59.Where will you find a chirping insect inside your body?
In the cricoid artery
60. Was was anatomy called in world war II?
The battle of the axilla and allies
61. What many armed monster attacked tokyo?
62. Axilla questions you want I'll answer em
63. What do you call a back up arm?
64. Name another anatomical herb/
65. What animal if you look it directly in the eye will turn you to stone?
A Basilic (basilisk)
66. Which artery is a famous golfer?
67.Where can you go spelunking in a human?
In the vena cava (spelunking is also known as caving)
68.What flower is popular with anatomists?
69. How do anatomers measure circles?
70. What do computer programers have in common with anatomists?
The both process
71. What call in basketball is the favorite of an anatomist?
72. Why does it hurt to touch your back bone?
It is a spine
73. What do musical anatomists play?
74.What is a punk rock bad liked by anatomists?
75. What do you call weak vessels?
76. Does an anatomist walk with a lymph??
77. Does an anatomical tourist see all the cyts??
78. What game do anatomists paly?
Hyoid and go seek
79. Where can an anatomist go to get some Chinese food?
The Asiatic nerve
80. What creature stalks the night terrorising young anatomists with its calls?
The Spine-owl chord
81. How do you put a hole in a nerve?
With a spin-awl chord
82. Why couldn't the anatomist shoot the egg?
He ran out of amnion
83. How do anatomists light up the night?
With am-neon lights
84. Why are there arms and legs in the brain?
It is part of the LIMBic system
85. Why is there a sheep in your hippocampus?
It is part of the LAMBic system
86. Why are these jokes so awful?
They are about the limb-ICK system
87. How does an anatomist write?
With a limBIC
88.What is a Russian anatomical jet?
89. Who is the anatomical queen of Naboo?
90. Where are smelling cells made?
In the Olfactory bulb
91. What is a mythological anatomical bird that is reborn from fire
when it dies?
92. What is anatomists favorite musical instrument?
93. What anatomical feature runs rampant through the Himalayas?
The abdominal snow man
94. What does an anatomist do with a popsicle?
He/she finds the O-lick-ranon process
95. What are there so many shards in an anatomy lab?
Because anatomist tend to brachius stuff
96. Who is the favorite talk show host of an anatomist?
97. Who is an anatomists favorite boxer?
98. What does an anatomist give you when she is mad?
99. What is an anatomists favorite basketball team?
The New York Larynx
100. What do you call an anatomical kitten?
101. Why are these jokes like a body if you don't put it in formaldehyde?
They are both rotten.
1. What replaced the tape worm?
The CD worm
2.How is Michael Jackson like a clam?
Both are child molluscers
3.What uncuttable particle was with eve?
4.What is the favored means of comunication among biologists?
A cell phone
5.What do you call a desert roaming humped tongue spitting lizard?
6.What do you call a vegetable with a nucleus and one without?
A eucarrot and a procarrot
7. What ship did the author of the "Origin of cream cheese" and "The
Descent of Spread" sail to the galapagos on?
The HMS Bagle
8. how do objects far from the body like their water?
9.What do you call a change in frequencies of devils over time?
10.What do Natural Selection and a power converter have in common?
Both involve adaption
11.What biological concepts can you see on signs along roads?
adapt a highway
12.What clothes do biologists wear?
13.What geneticist was a pickle?
14.How do you get fat cattle?
Give them steeroids
15.Why souldn't you mess with lizards?
Because You'll be saur-y
16.What do metabolisms show off their achievements in?
A trophy case
17.You know I never metabolism I didn't like.
18. Why could a chemist no longer fit into his clothes?
They were reduced
19.Why should you never believe the energy unit of a cell when it says its sick?
Because they are know mitochondriacs
20.When a studier of kidneys makes a shot in basketball what does he exclaim?
Nothing but neph
21.What did Mozart compose for someone's stomach?
An organ concerto
22.What are the lyrics to a song sung by The Biologist Jimmy Stewart?
"supposes Mitosis smells like roses"
23.When a cell get hurt where does it go?
to the ER
24. Where di life go after it started in shallow seas?
Onto deeper philosophical matters
25.Why was the cytoskeleton protein so good in the theater?
It had experience with actin
26.What movie can be found outside the cristae of a mitochondrion?
27.How long does a biologist work?
9 to 2
28.What is the Maryland Biologist Baseball team known as?
The Baltimore Centrioles
29.What do you call a small villian inside your intestines?
30.Why is the opposite of pinocytosis like a hollywood movie?
Both are ex-cyting
31.What do Native American biologists sleep in?
32. How do biologists blow their noses?
33.Why is keeping track of the cytoskeletal fibers during mitosis so hard?
It is a pain in the aster
34. How do scientist whiten hirudinea?
They use b-leech
35. Why do people not like to classify earthworms?
Its too annelidical
36.What do cellular biologists eat dinner on?
A metaphase plate
37.What do biologists do on wall street?
Buy and Cell
38.How do you destroy a puddy tat?
With a Cat-abolic reaction
39.Lysis--They have special shampoos for that
40.How do you speed up a reaction involving a cow?
Use a cattle-lyst
41.Why do mathematicians like enzymes?
Because they usually involve co-factors
42.What do lyou call predestination for organic energy?
44. How do biologists say the 13th-16th letters of the alphabet?
Amino p (M-N-O-P)
45.What part of the day do elementary school biologists like most?
46.What part of a gene spilled in the PrinceWilliam Sound?
The Exon Valdez
47.Why did the student fail his history of pre evolution test?
He missed Lamark
48.What do you call a dinosaur in a burrow?
49.Why did the evolutionary biologist take his work to the English department?
He needed help with his punctuated equilibrium
50.On a windy day in the winter what piled up in front of the
51.Several hundred millian years ago what did you call a sharpie?
A permian marker
52.What is the oldest island in the Mediterranean?
53.What do you call a monoecius calculus fiend?
54. What do you call the union of a sheep and a Ram?
55.What did the biologist go as for Halloween?
56.Why was the jelly labeled a smart alec?
Too many cnide remarks
57. Are ancestral reptiles different from modern mammals?
58.What do you call a dental mystery?
A who dont
59.What do you call a bird like inner membrane?
60.What were the two biological world powers in the 1940s?
The axons and the allies.
61.Why was the spinal cord so bold?
It had a lot of nerve
62.How do you categorize drosophilia?
By its fly-logeny
63. What is the smartest part of a cell?
64.What was the premature brain mugged by?
A street gang-lia
65.Why did the chimp have such a terrible head ache?
He was hit on the head with a pan
66.What do you call biological jokes?
67.How do biologists get their energy?
68.How do biologists make things things smoothe?
WIth a file-um
69. What do you call a radiata formula?
70.What do you call a snail after eating beans?
71.What herb do biologists cook with?
A basal metabolism
72.Why was the brain so ancy?
It is a nervous system
73.What rock band do biologists listen to?
The rolling stomes
74.What do you call a picasso painting of a jelly fish?
75.Who are the followers of the Castro Jelly fish?
76.Where can you find a cloud in an acoelomate?
In its cirrus
77. What class is related to the lollipop?
The hirudinea, they have anterior and posterior suckers
78.What watch brand is worn by cestoda?
79.What is the part of a throat related to tape worm?
80.Why are round worms so hard to detect?
Because they trichy
81.What country singer is popular with fish?
82.Why are eagles often found in church?
They are birds of pray
83.How is an earthworm similar to a farmer?
they both have crops
84.How do arthropods get by in life?
By the seta of their pants
85.What part of the anatomy helped relieve New Orleans?
Femur86. Which Swedish 1700s taxonomist consumed large quanties of citrus?
87. Do biologists still have to pay state and federal Taxons??
88.Why was the marine biologist arrested?
He was Cod red handed and it wasn't a red hering
89.Does hair replacement work for Garibaldies??
90.What did the Marine biologist hang on his wall for the holidays?
A Christmas Reef
91. Why was the botanist so depressed?
He slept on a cot
92. What is the most brittle group of organisms?
93. What group of organisms stage the most demonstrations?
94. Which organelle gets in the most fights?
95. Why are splinter CELLS so dangerous?
They might have nuclear weapons
96. Which polyplacophoran wrote Jurassic park?
97. Which group of organisms is best at math?
The Algae bra (good with the ladies too)
98. Which group of organisms will keep coming back to you?
99. What was a popular movie about a lost round worm and his father?
100. How do biologists smooth things over?
With a fine grit phylla
101.If you don't like these here's what I have to say to you-- Zoo what
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
1. Where do storms go to church?
An air mass
2. What is a popular sailing movie among meteorologists?
Mass-ter and command-Air
3. What do you call a carnivore who studies the atmosphere?
4. What are meteorologists afraid of?
5. What do you call it when a meteorologist goes fishing?
A dry line
6. What do you call an average weather scientist?
7. What plant are meteorologists frond of?
8. How do meteorologists tell time?
With a weather watch
9.How do feudal atmospheric scientists tell what the air pressure is?
With a Baron-meter
10. Why is a huricane like a cyclops?
They both only have one eye
11. What do you call a genetic copy of a meteorologist?
12. Who is the relative of a meteorologist?
His Auntie Cyclone
13. What does a climatologist tell someone who is nosey?
This is Nin`o business
14. Where does a meteorologist get a drink?
At the Iso-bar
15. What does a meteorologist call a pigsty?
16. How wide at the base is Lady Liberty?
One Statue Mile
17. Why was the meteorologist so sad?
He was in a depression
18. What was a REALLY bad meteorologist sci fi/ horror flick?
Attack of the Killer Tornados (Tomatoes)
19. Why are there so many lightning storms in Australia?
It is after all know as the land down Thunder
20. What does a meteorologist eat with?
21. What do you call the residual weather phenomena after a herd of cattle have past?
A ruminant low.
22. What do you call a doctor near water wind and a low pressure?
The storm surge-on
23. What does a meteorologist practice with his/her kids?
24.What does a long term meteorologist who likes to ascend things practice?
25. Do meteorologists hail taxis??
26. Do they hail to the Chief??
27. If they are healthy are they looking hail or is it hail-thy
28. What is a meteorolgists favorite reptile?
29. How do meteorologists deal with long term weather?
30. What is a work by Samual Colderidge that talks about a frozen sailor?
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
31. What do you call a horse that carries meteorolgical gear?
A snowpack mule
32. What lives beneath a lime?
33. Who is the antagonist is the meteorological version of Star Wars?
34. Why do weather scientists like flying mammals?
Because they like all things adia-Bat-ic
35.Why couldn't the meteorologist talk?
Because he had a fog in his throat
36. What did the father air mass say to the son air mass?
Now son, Don't blow this
37. Why do non geostrophic winds fight dirty?
Because they are always giving low blows
38. What would a weather scientist say to imply that you must now face the consequences of your actions?
You've made your al-bed-o now sleep in it!
39. Which insect has a troposphere, stratosphere, mesoshere and a thermosphere?
40. What does a meteorologically inclined extra-terrestrial say?
ET fohn home
41. What do you call a long term monkey?
42. What is the most common question asked by students of meteorology?
When's it dew?
43. Who is the favorite poet of a meteorologist?
44. LA has instigated a no Hazing law.
45. Why did the meteorolgist erroneously predict the water saturation of the air?
Because he is only humid
46. Who was a Scottish weather philosopher?
47. What do you call a human eating wind?
48. What is measured by a slow meteorologist?
The laps rate
49. If the temperature of two rising air masses were measured simultaneously, would that be a co-lapse rate (collapse rate)??
50. Why did the Thunder storm take material out of a backpackers pack?
He was lightning his load
51. Who is a meterologists favorite old time gumshoe and super lawyer?
52. The meteorologist tried to hit the fog but mist.
53. Why do cookie loving scientists love mountains?
Because the like to study oreo-graphic uplift
54. How do meteorologists type?
In polar fonts
55. If "pre" means before, "post" means after, and "inter" means during, shouldn't rain then be called intercipitation??
56. What does a meteorolgoist say when he listens to the radio?
Hey, they're playing my sonde.
57. Why do high pressures have so much money?
Because they are ridge.
58. How do you grow a cloud?
By seeding it
59. Which layer of the atmosphere is easiest for a meteorologist to span?
60. Which layer of the atmosphere has the most ornately cut hedges?
61. Which layer is commonly mapped by the USGS?
The TOPO sphere
62. In which layer can you find the most relatives of mice?
63. Which layer walks with pride?
64. What do you call a stupid cloud?
65. Thermocline, Pycnocline, halocline, Patsy Cline??
66. What did the atmospheric scientist get on his exam?
67. Why was solar radiation fired?
For being Insolate
68. If English majors are concerned with rough drafts, what are meteorologists concerned with?
69. How do meteorologists make circuts?
In parallel or Cirrus.
70. What is a cloud scientists favorite comic book?
Calvus and Hobbes
70. What is a meteorologists sign?
71. Why do RADAR technitions not like wearing pants made of small bits of metal?
To much Chaffing
72. What do you call a flower like sessile sea organism that measures the wind?
73. What does a meteorolgoist call a great quantity of things along the same line?
74. What does a meteorologist do when he/she suspects he/she might have a sunburn?
Initiate a red watch
75. Where does a cryologist eat the meal before supper?
On an ava-lunch
76. What do you get if you mix a glaciologist with a fencer?
77. What is the favorite breakfast food of an avalanche scientist?
Eggs and Beacon
78. Why was the avalance scientist so lazy?
He had no inclination
79. What is a common name among meteorologists?
80. What is the motto of a meteorologist?
To Air is human
81. What is a meteorology song by Eric Clapton?
Albedo Albedo (Alberta Alberta)
82. What is the farthest from a monkey you can get?
83. What is a New England meteorologists favorite soup?
84. What does a chess playing meteorologist say when he winds (wins) a game?
85. How does a meteorologist get money?
He takes out a cyc-loan
86. The meteorologist specialized in temperatures. He got his degree in degrees.
87. How does an equatorial meteorologist keep rhythm?
By beating a dol-drum
88. What is a meteorologists bank account?
A down draft
89. What is a twilight meteorolgist's favorite mamal?
A dusk rat
90. How does a glaciologist climb a building?
With a graupeling hook
91. What does one meteorolgist say to another?
You're gust is as good as mine.
92. What is the Beauty and the Beast theme song for meteorology?
Be our gust be our gust be our gust
93. What is the favorite movie of a meteorologist?
94. What is a favorite weather book by Jon Swift?
Gully washers travels
Haboob is the Sudanese name for a dust devil?
95. How do meteorologists say high?
With a heat wave
96. What did hercules study?
97. What game do meteorologists play?
Hygrometer and go seeketer
98. If weather invades, is it an inversion??
99. Winds are tachy.
100. Why is a meteorolgist so good at rope work?
They measure knots
101. Why is a meteorologist never on time?
Because so much of what they do is Late-nt heat.
1. Q: Did you hear about the astronomer who built a telescope using a
facility in the mountains of Arizona?
He built it from a Kitt
2. Q: What holds up the sun and moon? Sun and Moonbeams
3. Q: Where do Astronauts get a drink? The space bar
4. Q: Why is it hard to tell if a being from the Dog Star is joking?
You can't tell if he's being Sirius
5. Q: How do astronomers get married? In Cygnus and in health
6. Q: Where do astronomers take their kids? To Taurus-R-Us
7. Q: How do astronomers greet each other? Hyades
8. Q: How do astronomers ask for something? Pretty Pleiades
9. Q: What do astronomers find just obscure? Clouds
10. Q: When an Astronomer goes to an ice cream bar what does he order?
11. Q: When an astronomer goes into the woods what is he likely to
12. Q: What does a female astronomer carry? A Perseus
13. Q: Why did the ancient Greeks think there was nothing in Ursa
Major? They thought it was a barren sky (Bear in sky)
14. Q: What type of camel is in the sky (no not Camelopardis)? An Andromedary
15. Q: Where do astronomers get their milk? Andromedairy
16. Q: Why are some math teachers like the Northern Crown? They are
both Corona Bore-ialises
17. Q: What do you call a scientist who studies soda pop? A Fizzy-sist
18. Q: What do you call a scientist who studies skin growths? A physi-cyst
19. Q: What do you call a person who knows the forces behind why
people work? A physic-tian
20. Q: What is the brand name of the substance that keeps astronomers
21. Q: What is that bright blue star in Lyra? I haven't the Vega-est idea
22. Q: What do all astronomers posses? Altair egos
23. Q: How did the astronomer survive the narrow escape? By the Cetus
of his pants
24. Q: Why was the crow unable to fin the one he loved? Because the
Corvus of true love never did run smooth
25.Q: Why was the astronomer unable to reach the celestial orb?
Because he failed to planet
26. Q: What do astronomers die of? Cancer
27. Q: Why is astronomy such a good job? Because business is always looking up
28. Q: If the world were to suddenly be devoid of the brightest star
in Auriga, what would it be? A-Capella
29. Q: If a star could sing what would it be? A-Capella
30. Q: What does an astronomer make his jeans out of? Deneb
31. Q: Why was it difficult for the astronomer to put together the
puzzle? He didn't have all the right Pisces
32. Q: How do astronomers see? With sate-lights
33. Q: How do astronomers go horseback ridding? With saddle-lites
34. Q: What do astronomers put on babies feet? Boötes
35. Q: How do astronomers sail across the sky? In a Boötes
36. Q: What TV show do astronomers adore? Zenith Warrior Princess
37. Q: Who observes the skies from Atlantis? Astronomeremaids
38. Q: How do astronomers get home? They catch the space shuttle
39.Q: What do you call a lunatic in space? An Astro-nut
40. Q: What do you call a man tied up in space? An astro-knot
41. Q: If an astronomer is goofing off what is he? A pain in the asterism
42. Q: Who was a famous dancer among the stars? Fred Astaire-ism
43. Q: Why is Hollywood a favorite place among astronomers? They like
to look at the stars
44. Q: Why will the world be sad in 5 billion years after the sun
explodes? We will have lost our sol
45. Q: What type of music does the sun listen to? The hottest hits
46. What is the answer to any equation involving inequalities on the
moon? Crater than or equal to
47. Q: How do Spanish astronomers bid each other adieu? Hast moon-ñana
48. Q: Which astronomer led the Golden Horde? Aquila the Hun
49. Q: Why was the Italian astronomer arrested? Because he Spica'ed the punch
50. Q: Why was the volleyball team of astronomers so good? Because
they practiced their Spicas
51. Q: When an astronomer utters an anathema what is it? A cUrsa Major
52. Q: When is there a horse in the sky? On the vernal and autumnal Equine-ox
53. Q: How do spring, summer, fall and winter flavor their food? With
54. Q: why did the north and South Pole join Hitler? They were on the Axis
55. Q: With whom did the astronomer go on a date with? A very nice gal-axy
56. Q: When a female astronomer ages does she turn into Saggy-tarius
57. Q: Have you heard of the Jamaican gang inhabiting the tallest
mountain on mars? They are calling themselves the Olympus Mons
58. Q: Why was Antarctica locked into a safe? Apparently, she tried
59. Q: Did you know that Dr. Ted Ghistle created a flying horse-like
creature? It's called a Pega-seuss
60. Q: Who rules the feudal system of the skies? Alde-baron
61. Q: What is in the middle of an astronomic circle? It's Centaur
62. Q: Whose room is worse a physicist or an astronomer? An
astronomer, his room is Messier
63. Q: Why is the Earth like Mardi Gras? Because they both processions
64. Q: What is an astronomer's favorite type of rock? SETI-mentry
65. Q: What is the favorite political party among astronomers? Libra-l
66. Q: Who is the favorite band for young astronomers? They Might Be
67. Q: Why was the space probe arrested? It was a Voyeur-ger
68. Q: What type of poetry is told by the cosmos? The uni-verse
69. Q: What instrument does the discoverer of Pluto play? A Tombaugh-rine
70. Q: What does an astronomer put on his hair? Rigel
71. Q: What is the favorite book of an astronomer? Catcher in the Rye-gel
72. Q: What do you call something that lives in a swamp? A Marsh-ian
73. Q: What do you call a potato in orbit? A spudnik
74. Q: Did you know that the governor of California made a movie
about the light and dark side of the moon? It's called The Terminator
(The terminator is boundary line separating the light side from the
dark side of the moon)
75. The sun is a man of much prominence
76.Q: How do astronauts know what they look like? They look in a Mir
77. Q: Why did the cowpoke fire his gun into space? He wanted to see
78. When asked to find a particular star the astronomer declined
79. Q: What is the favorite song of the ancient Greek astronomers?
Why Not Take Ptolemy (Why Not Take All of Me)
80. Q: What is one of the hardest questions for an astronomer to
answer? Whether something is Phecda or Phiction
81. Q: Why is the moon like that? Oh, it's just a phase
82. Q: Do you know what one of the best aspects of the moon is? It
doesn't let anything phase it
83. Q: What do the moon and the weapon from Star Trek have in common?
They are both phasers
84. Q: What elf was famous for his star observations? Johannes Keepler
85. Chemists deal with anions and cations, astronomers deal with Orions
86. Hercules is the 5th largest constellation, but is composed of
largely 4th and 5th magnitude stars. That means the constellation is
just like the legend: big but not so bright
87. Q: Have you heard about the new race sponsored by the National
Atmospheric and Space Administration? They are calling it NASA-car
88. Q: Did you know that there is a grumpy star found in Ursa Major?
It is know as Mizar
89. Q: Did you also know that it is a double binary star? Mizar loves company
90. War of the Worlds is very toxic if you inhale it, it was after all
written by Hg Wells
91.When astronomers play baseball they don't just play in the
outfield, they play in Deep Field
92.In 1992 where the astronauts feared because, they were Hubble rousers
93. Q: Why would the moon be a good place for a horse race? Because
of all the mare-s there
94. Q: Why was the astronomer reluctant to search for the Scales of
Justice? He was a little Lyrae
95. Q: How does the solar system keep its pants up? With a Kuiper Belt
96. Q: Can you name one old lady circling Jupiter? Granny-mede
97. Q: How does an astronomer find out if 2 goes into 6? He uses
98. Q: If an astronomer wishes to remain silent what does he say? No Comet
99. Q: What do you call a biography of Edmund Halley? A comet-ary
100. Q: Who was the astronomer's vice president? Alcor (Al Gore)
101. Q: After reading 101 of my astronomy jokes, what has your brain
become? A super massive Black Hole