Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Alternative Dictionary Letter B

More Alternative definitions (The bold words are real words look them up if
you want, they are too weird to be fiction)

1. Chakra and Aura
President Bush's plan for invading Iraq

Babaurhum A batter cake raised with Yeast and saturated with rum

2. Babel
A word from on high

Babu or Baboo Hindu title for sir

3. Baby
A cry at nights sleep

4. Byzantine
Rome in the fall

5. Bach
1.Opposite of fronth
2. To return --take Bach

6. Bacchus
a real Roman Winer

7. Bachelor
A really bad pioneering guy. One who can't tie the knot or get hitched.

8. Bactrian Camel
One who got over the hump

9. Back bite
Where the mosquito got you

10. Backstroke
How you relieve said mosquito bite

11. Backward
The small LDS group located near the frontward

12. Virus
Its just a phage

13. Badger
See Boy Scouts

14. Baffin Island
A real cool place

15. Baghdad
A city sized crater in Iraq

16. Belch
The Air force

17. Bail
1.What you make in prison
2. When in a boat and this happens see also wet suit

18. Bait
What gets you hooked on fishing

19. Baked Alaska
See Global Warming

20. Baker's Bread
One who feels kneaded

Baksheesh A tip or gratuity in Egypt

21. Baking powder
See Meth Lab

22. Vasco Nunez de Balboa
A Pacifist

23. Baleen
Ya got something in your teeth

24. Ball and socket joint
What will be made of Titanium in 50 years

25. Ballerina
A woman who is always on her toes

26. Ballista
Something worth a shot

27. Ballast
How to balance your checkbook

28. Hot air balloon
See high rise

29. Ballot
A slow love song

30. Balm
What we did to Baghdad

Balneology The science of bathing

31. Baloney
A meat you get fed from the feds

32. Baltic
A Sea average

33. Baltimore Oriole
A team member not likely to win the pennant

34. Bamboo
a growth spurt (bamboo is the fastest growing land plant)

35. Banana
One twisted fruit

35. Temperate
See Three year olds

36. Bandit
something that leaves you wondering whats the hold up

37. Band Saw
a musical group based on a recent horror movie

38. Band Wagon
A group with a large following

39. Bang

40. Banyan
An American hero of foklore

41. Banjo
1. Strum thing to do
2. A man who speaks with a twang

42. Bank
Something going through withdrawls

43. Banner
The system at Weber State that is always crashing [for those of you who
don't ge to school here Banner is the name of the computer system and it is
always crashing]

44 Barb
Something leaving you wondering what's the catch?

45. Banquet
Food that is in your face!

46. Baptism
If done by a basketball player, its a slam dunk

47. Barbados
A cleanup on Isle 5

48. The MTC

49. Banister
Is rail

50. Barbarism
A catch phrase or ism used by a cutter of hair

51. Barbell
Something for when you need a lift

52. Barbwire
Snag time

53. Barcelona
A city with some Spaining to do

54. Bard
What guys shave in the morning

55. Barium
What an undertaker does

56. Barnstorm
The scene from the movie TWISTER, if you've seen the movie you know the
scene I am talking about

57. Barrage
Its waht Bwrings us here towether twoday

Barranca A steep deep hole in Southwestern US

Barratry A crime meaning misuse of office

58. Barren
One who rules over a parcel of land

59. Barrier
See undertaker

60. Bartok
The things you say when you have had a little too muck to drink

61. Baseball
A dangerous game chemists play involving spheres of --OH ions

62. Bashful
Full of Bash See Barbarian

63. Basement
Flood zone

64. Base line
The riff played by the guy with the large upright stringed instrument

65. Basil
The country who will probably win this years world cup

The jester being walled up inside a cathedral asked if he was trying to be
made a nave of.

66. Basket
Something to reed

67. Los Angeles Basketball
A lot of HoopLA

Basque A tight fitting womens tunic

68. Battering Ram
A sheep charged with spousal abuse

Basta Enough!

69. Bathing Cap
Slang for the skipper of a ship while cleansing him/herself

70. Battery
An adjective used to describe undercooked pancakes

71. Battle Royal
A war between the Hapsbergs

72. Bawd
The oppocite of good

73. Beading
What will continue until the moral improves

74. Beagle
Goes well with cream cheese

75. Beak
What you will be getting a bill for

76. Bean Caper
The Stealing of a pea

77. Bear Skinned
1. The latest in fashion
2. The rug in a hunting lodge

78. Beard
A time shaver

79. Beast of Burden
Kids carrying school backpacks

80. Beat
What I can't keep

81. Beattitude
The grade little Jimmy received for always talking back but doing it nicely

82. Bebop
The flattening of stinging insects

83. Because
The answer to the question Why

84. Bedaub
George Bush's brother Billy's nickname

85. Bed Molding
What happens to your sheets if you don't dry them

86. Bedridden
He wants to remove his sleeping pad and thus be bed ridden

87. Bedtime story
A real sleeper

88. Water Bed
Bed wetting

89. Beehives
[Beehive--Beeholder--beholder>spectator>specked tater-->Rotten potato]
1. Places where you can get the latest buzz
2. What a bee gets after wandering into poison Ivy

Beetle also means an overhang

90. Befog
A bee with gas

91. Befoul
What happens when your cross an insect with a chicken

92. Begone
The chemicals used to get rid of befouls and behives

93. Before
What an insect yells while playing golf

94. Befriend
What makes bebes

95. Begun
How you shoot bees

96. Behemoth
A flying insect related to the behebutterfly

97. behoove
What you get if you cross a cow and a black and yellow flying insect

98. Beige
A COMPLETELY different color than tan, camel, brown or any of the other
brown like colors

99. Toll Road
A road lined with bells

100. Firetruck
Toll Truck

Bellona The wife of Mars Goddess of war

101. Bell hop
A dance just for bells

2B continued....

How To ADD (Vol. A)

The Alternative Dictionary by John Boom

Many of you know what words mean. Here now is a list of what words "really" mean. I present to the world the first installment of the Alternative Definition Dictionary

1. The Spice Girls


  1. Smoker


  1. The Big Apple

Big Mac

  1. Stumped

Log on

  1. UnStumped

Log Off

  1. Stamp collection

Cut and paste

7. The PTA

A motherboard

  1. Gamer
  1. A play boy
  2. player

  1. Well Toned and really Buff

One is what you do to a printer the other is what you do to a floor

  1. Minimize

What Mickey does while they are at home

  1. Copy machine

The right click button on a mouse

12. Paper Jam

Similar to Pearl Jam but without the edge

  1. Bra

A fallout shelter

  1. A

The grade one will never get out of the cranky professors class

  1. Aardvark

One whose vark is vorse than its vite

Ab The eleventh month of the Jewish calendar

  1. Abacus

Any obscenities found in the song “Dancing Queen”

  1. Abate

What you catch afish with

  1. Abbr.

1. A word whose life was cut short

2. A word that needs Miracle Gro.

  1. Abduct

See Gastrointestinal tract

Abinitio from the beginning

  1. Abnormal


  1. Abominable Snowman

Your neighbor’s winter construction that is a mere 2 feet taller than yours.

  1. About ship


  1. Abrade

Liposuction (ab raid)

  1. Plains of Abraham

Where we looked for weapons of mass destruction

  1. Abridge
    1. How you cross ariver
    2. see “Southern Statistics—Mean”

  1. Abscess

The term for when elementary school breaks were taken away

  1. Abscise

The opposite of exercise

  1. Absence

The kinesthetic awareness of having a potgut

  1. Absentee Ballot

Votes that don’t really count

  1. A.W.O.L.

A really bad internet provider

  1. Absinth

What the school secretary, the one with a lisp, marked you as

  1. Perfect pitch

The one that won the World Series

  1. Absolute Value

The name of a local five and dime

  1. Absolute zero

The grade you got in said professors class

  1. Absolve

A cleaning fluid for stomachs

  1. Abstain

What Absolve cleans

Abstemious eating and drinking in moderation, along with facetious, is a word that has all of the vowels in their proper order.

  1. Abstinence

Sex Ed

  1. Abstraction

1. Having rubber grip on your stomach

2. A person named Abs when she breaks her thigh

  1. Abstruse

The opposite of Dr. Seuss

  1. Abundance
    1. See also the “Roll Waltz”
    2. A film festival held in Southern Utah

  1. Abutment

The act of sitting on gum

  1. Abysmal

How you did in said professors class

  1. Acacia

A tree that gets right to the point

  1. School

A 16-year sentence w/o parole

  1. Academy Awards

Praising people for not being themselves

  1. Acaroid

A famous actor (actually a genus of mite)

  1. Accelerate

Something you have to force yourself to do

  1. Accelerometer

Something you were forced to measure

  1. Accent
    1. Bless you!
    2. A sign of stress
    3. What occasionally happens around children

  1. Acceptance

Usually preceded by an award

  1. Accident Prone

Getting hit while lying down

  1. Accolade

Similar to lemonade, but made with accos

  1. Acid Fast

What hard rockers do on the first Sunday of every month.

  1. Acupressure

Dealing with pressing demands

  1. Adagio

When things are going slow

Adamite one who goes naked in imitation of Adam, such as was the practice of some early religious sects

  1. Adder

Math snake

  1. Addis Ababa

An Arabic shoe company

  1. Bureaucrat

Red tape dispenser

  1. Adroit


  1. Adolescent


Adscititious supplemental, added from an external source

  1. Aerate

To make holey

  1. Atmosphere

An airy subject

  1. Aesop

A fabled story teller

64. Affinity

A six year old’s largest number, often coupled with suffices --plus one or --billion

  1. Afflict

The fly landed on me and afflict it

  1. Aftermath

The happiest times in most people’s college careers

  1. Career

The end of the help wanted subscriptions

  1. Afternoon


  1. After taste

Greasy fast food

  1. Old age

Mortal coil shuffling

  1. Agonic

A definition with no bearing

  1. Valentine

Heart felt

Ahimsa the doctrine that all life is one and sacred resulting in the principle of nonviolence toward all

  1. Aileron

Making decisions on the wing

  1. Akimbo

Side arms

  1. Air hose

pump and circumstance

  1. Non-working air ship


  1. Air strip

A ghost’s burlesque house

  1. Air taxi

The only thing you are likely to catch in New York

  1. Ala carte

How people shop

  1. Alarm Clock
    1. A slumber slaughterer
    2. An annoying ring tone

  1. Fable

A story where allegory details have been omitted

  1. Aligator
    1. An open and closed case
    2. A snap judgment

Random joke from beyond:

What do you call Halloween in the Roy Rodgers Museum?

Trigger treating

  1. Allover

A book by Charles Dickens—Allover Twist

Alopecia baldness

83. Alphabet

The fist bid of the night in Las Vegas

Amaranthine Unfading/ undying

  1. Ambiance

Why your food cost 25$ instead of 3

Ambivert one who is both introverted and extroverted

85. Amateur farmer

Not a pro-tractor

  1. Ambidextrous

A guy you gotta hand it to

  1. Ammunition makers

Round people

  1. Amoral

A type of eel

  1. Anachronism

Right place, wrong time

  1. Anagram

A managr

  1. Analog

See fossil

  1. Apostrophe

A sign that you got owned

  1. Amitosis

When ya just gotta split

  1. Sailing

1. Anchor management

2. A breeze to learn

  1. The Vatican

A city state

  1. Angler Fish

A deep thinker

  1. Angelic

What your two year old is not

  1. Animate

A lively discussion

  1. Anneal
    1. A temper tantrum
    2. A really tall basketball player

  1. Ante

Your mother’s sister

Apocope to shorten the last letters of a word

Apteryx a kiwi

Arrack strong oriental drink made from rice molasses and coconut milk

Arraign To call into account. To question

101 .Arrack and Arraign

Two countries in the middle East President Bush believes to have weapons of mass destruction.

Bonus definition:

102. Assemble

No directions included

I am A Knock-ternal Creature


So the inspiration for this batch of awful came from that old scout
camp song stay on the sunny side of life. This song involves quite a
few knock knock jokes and the camp was getting bored with the same old
repetoir so I decided i would come up with 101 new ones for them.
Most of these are terrible a few are worse and some are funny though
all are clean.

1. Knock knock
Who's there?
Atilla Who?
Atilla Later

2. Knock knock
Who's there?
Harvey Who?
Harvey up and oven the door I gotta go

3. Knock knock
Who's there?
Jazz who
Jazz open the door

4. Knock knock
Who's there?
Irene who?
Irene waiting all day for you to oven the door

5. ...
Warren who?
Warren you like to know

Nora who?
Nora Idea

Edgar who
Edgar you open up or else

8. ...
Nichole who?
I'll give ya a shiny new Nichole if ya open up

9. ...
Ima who?
Ima comin in so ya'd better open up

10. ...
And Morris on the way

11. ..
Bird who?
Get some new material, I've bird all these before

12. ...
Ma name is forest

13. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anger who?
No its pronounced Kangeroo

14. Knock knock
Who's there?
Pa who?
Patato that's who

15. ...
Boo Who
Aw don't cry about it

16. ...
Who Who
he's an owl

17. ...
Whoo Who
Over zealous sports fan

18. ...
Em Who
Cow lover

19. ...
Cann who
Yes I can canoe?

20. ..
Hitch who

21. ...
Ach who
Knock knock
Who's there
Bless Who

22. Knock knock
Who's there?
Thank who
You're welcom

23. ...
Incagnito that's who

24. ...
Ivy who
Ivy wainting here all day for you to open the door

25. Knock knock
Who's there?
Worm who?
Its cold and I want to be worm

26. ...
Tooth hurty
Tooth hurty who
Naw its only three seventeen not two thirty two

27. ..
But I swear I'm telling the tooth

28. ...
But ain't you gwain to let me in?

29. ...
Elza who?
Edgar you let me in or Elza

30. Knock knock
Who's there?
Hat's who?
Hat's all folks

31. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alf who?
Alf fooled you hats not all

32. ...
ya who

33. ...
Wally Who
Wally atchee Dooly Doo

34. ...
Walt who
Walt ya be my neighbor

35. ...
Wilt who
Wilt ya please let me in?

36. ...
Bella who?
For whom the Bella tolls, its tolls for thee

37. ...
Gabon who?
Gabon Let me in!

38. ...
Zed who?
Just zed me in.

39. ...
Panther who?
Panther no panths I'm goin thwimin

40. ...
Pleathe won't thomone open the thor?

Natalya who?
Ya'd better open the door cause I'll Natalya

42. ...
I. Samba
I. Samba who
I.Samba goin ta open tha door or what?

43. ...
Doot doot doot GEORGE ! (charge)

44. ...
Aspen who?
Let me Aspen it to you one more time

45. ...
Solome who?
I knocked, solome in

46. ...
Alice who?
Alistened to you, know you listen to me.

47. ...
Horace Who?
My voice is getting a little Horace

48. ...
Billy Who?
Billy Ford Tough

49. ...
Robby who?
Give me all your money its a Robby

50. Tick
Tick who?
Tick em up, its a tongue tied wobber

51. Wallace
Wallace who?
I told ya its a Robby give me all ya wallace

52. Carolyn
Carolyn who?
For Christmas we can go a carolyn

53. Willy
Willy who?
Willy please open the door, I asked nicely.

54. Egbert
Egbert who?
I cooked breakfast, but my egbert

55. Lenny
I lenny him money, but he never returned it

56. Knock knock
Who's there?
Zeus who?
Ma blue zwade zeus

57. Hera
I need a comb for my Hera

58. Demeter
De electrician came to read demeter

59. Perseus
I tried to return something, but needed proof of perseus

60. Trellis
You WILL trellis your name and where they are hiding!

61. Jose
Jose can you see

62. Yanni
I worked all night I have every right to be yanni

63. Matt
I am so Matt at you, you didn't open the door

64. Knock knock
Who's there
Doris who?
I knocked because the doris closed

65. Zack
Ya wanna play hacky zack?

66. Camp
Camp who?
Camp with any new knock knock jokes yet?

67. Neredeth
Man, last week I had a neredeth experience

68. Colton
Colton who
Eli Whitney, that's who, he invented the colton gin

69. Bobby
Bobby who
Ya wanna fo Bobby for apples?

70. Bess
Its bess if you open the door

71. Santa
I couldn't get to sleep without the help of the santa man

72. hair spray
Hair spray who?
hair spray, gone tomorrow

73. Paul
Paul who?
I Paul down, go Boom!

74. Adam Ant
Adam Ant who?
I am adam ant that you open this door right now!

75. Flora
If ya ain't got no beds I'll sleep on the flora

76. haiti
Be friends and Stop the Haiti

77. Donna
Donna who?
Can somethin be donna bout these jokes?

78. Jaques
Jaques who?
Jaques in the boques

79.Box Brando
Box Brando who?
Box Brando-berg concerto its a really good song

80.Knock Knock
Who's there
Door bell ditcher

81. Brian
I gotta go, for breakfast I had a brian muffan

82. Knock Knock
Who's there
Mario who?
Go Go Mario, Mario and Luigi. Fight for Right ! Fix the pipe! set the
Princess Free!...

83. Phil
Phil Who?
I phil your pain

84. Wilde
Wilde who?
Wilde you were sleeping I found another way in

85. Martha
Martha who?
On your martha, get setha goa

86. Marris
Marris who?
Marris is what bwrings us hwere twogethwer twoday

87. Knock knock
Who's there?
Sally who?
These knock knock jokes are given me a headache, I need some sallycyclic acid

88. Erin
Erin who?
Can you do me a favor and run me an erin

89. Knock knock
Who's there?
Luke Mark Mattew John
Luke Mark My words I will Mattew John the darkside

90. Erep
Erep who?
'Ere Potter

91. Blonde
Wear camouflage Blonde in

92. Blonde
Blonde who?
James Blonde

93. Knock knock
Who's there?
blonde who?
Go home where you blonde

94. air
air who?
is air anybody home?

95. Darleen Dunce
Darleen dunce who?
Darleen Dunce with me

96. Knock knock
Who's there?
Mash who?
Mash hysteria, that's who

97. Tally
Tally who
Tally Whoo!

98. Knock knock
Who's there?
Oprah who?
Oprah up its the police

99. Nose
Nose who?
Olny the Shadow Nose

100. Wells
Wells who?
Alls wells that ends wells

101. Lola
My jokes have reached a new LOLa

For the Birds

The Avians are invading! Incidently if any one needs back ground on this I 1. did my Eagle Scout project for a local aviary and 2. Was the nature director at the camp I worked at.

101 Bird jokes

1. How much did the warbler pay for the item?
Not much he got it cheap cheap, for a song in fact

2. What do you call it when a seagull flies over an enclosed body of water=
A bay gull

3. Who did the the seagull marry?
The Gull of his dreams

4. What is a favorite book among the charadriiforms?
Gull-ivers Travels

5. Why was the tern dupped so easily?
It was Gull-able

6. What do birds compete in?

7. What do you call a selfish podipediform?
Grebey (Greedy)

8. Which bird was locked away in an insane assylum?
A Loon

9. What did the bird die of?
A heron overdose

10. What is the motto of a bird?
Beak there done that

11. Why are geese so knowledgeable?
They have all the ansers

12. Which bird is popular amoung the oil industry?
The Petrel-eums

13. Where do charadriiformes go to get an education?

14. What is a popular dance amoung ciconiiformes?
The flamingo

15. What do you call a hot phoenicopterus?
A Flame-ingo

16. What is a popular game involving getting rows and colums of
Flam-ingo its like bingo but for the birds

17. What do you call an inbred bunch of Albatross?
Mixed Medea

18. What is a famous Greek play about an albatross killing her young?

19. What do you call an avian electronic circuit component?
A Diode-medea

20. Why is it dificult to keep secrets in the Antarctic?
There are too many Prion eyes

21. What does an antarctic ornithologist read?
An Adelie paper (Daily paper)

22. What do you call a gracious penguin?

23. When a penguin plays checkers does he get a king??

24. Larry Bird Played basketball. I have his rookery card.

25What type of carpeting does an arctic/antarctic ornithologist have?
Shag carpet

26. The Gannet was Looking Sulan.

27. What is one problem ornithologists face?
Taking took much for gannet

28. Who was a famous Turkish Gannet?
Sula-mon the Magnificent

29. Which bird is a famous rock star?
Mic Jaeger

30. Where can you find coastal charadriiformes?
In Gull-f

31. Did you see the Gullp?
Whats a gull-p
Its like a swallow but bigger

32. What do you call a fast moving cat in water?
A Kitty-wake

33. How do you keep tract of arctic circumnavigating birds at an amusement
Whith a Tern-stile

34. What does a dungeons and dragons bird cleric do well?
Tern undead

35. Why was the Gygis alba being bad?
It was Noddy

36. Which bird is a famous behavioralist?
B.F. Skimmer

37. What do you plug a bird into?
A power Auklet

38. What do you call two bird organic chemistry molecules?

39. What is a chicken's favorite Shakespearean play to act out?

40. What killed a large number of birds during the French revolution?
The Guillemotine

41. Which bird are you likely to find painted on walls?
A Murre-al

42. Which bird has a national forest in California?
The Murre Woods

43. What do you call an avian stalker?
A secret ad-murre-er

44. What is the most common occupation of a Uria aalge?
A Murre-chant

45. What does an ornithologist call a cell phone charge?
A razorbill

46. Which blood sucking count did the Puffin go as for Halloween?
Count Fratercula

47. Why is fratercula corniculata an out of shape bird?
Because They're always huffin and Puffin.

48. What is a ornithologists favorite movie?
Puffin the magic dragon

49. Why is the three little pigs an ornithologists favorite movie?
Because the Big bad wolf threatens to Huffin and Puffin and blow the house

50. Which part of a bird was a president?
Howard Tuft

51. Why are loons so talkative?
They have the gift of gavia (Gab)

52. Where does a gaviiform get its clothes?
They are all handmade on a loon

53. What do you call a latex gaviiform?
A Bal-loon

54. Who was a famous bird photographer during the civil war?
Horace Grebely

55. How does a podipediformes complain?
By airing his/her grebences

56. What do you call a random assortment of birds?
A Grebe Bag 9grab Bag)

57. Why does an Anseriforme like the number 2?
Because it is swan plus swan

58. What do you call a yukon Gay Bar?
A Canada Goose (Sorry!)

59. What do you call it if you cannot choose a particular family of duck?
An Eider or Situation

60. What is a fun nursery rhyme dealing with anseriforms on a rainy day?
The Itsy Bitsy Eider

61. What is a favorite drink among Somaterias?
Apple Ci-eider

62. Melanitta Perspicillata is the scientific name for the Surf Scoter. If
this duck is found in Canada would it be a Nova Scoter?

63. How do ornithologist get around?
On a scoter (scooter)

64. What is a popular James Bond Film based on a duck species?

65. Which bird "wrote" Princess Bride?
Stanly Merganser

66. Which Duck sailed around the world?

67. Which duck discovered the Titanic?
Robert Mallard

68. Where do birds shop?
At the General Stork

69. Which firey letter of the alphabet is really a bird?
The flaming "O"

70. What childhood game do greater flamingos play?
Cops and rubers

71. What is a classic flamingo comeback?
I ruber your glue ...

72. Why is wonder woman a bird?
Because she is a Heron (Heroine)

73. From whom do birds rent cars?

74. Who were the favorite avian characters on Sesame Street?
Bird and Ernie

75. Why are features of bird bill so well versed in mythology?
They know their lores

76. Which part of a bird is in the Bible?
Saul of tarsus

77. Why is on the wing a synonym for running from the law?
Because he doesn't want to be behind bars (wing bars)

78. How does a bird eat?
With a knifula and furkula

79. What does a passiform take camping?
Everything but the kitchen syrinx

80. Where does a bird go if it needs counciling?
To Syrinx

81. If you put a bird in the dryer on extra hot what happens?
It syrinx

81. In ancient Egypt there is the statue of the great syrinx.

82. What type of song bird is always jerking back?
The flinch or possibly the Jamaican Jerk Chicken

83. What is a midevil scholar's favorite bird?
A Knightengale

84. Which bird is also a storm?
A nightin-gale

85. Where do birds put their cars?
In Larking spots

86. What does a rope using bird do?
Whipporwill (Whips well)

87. Which bird can take down a tree?
A sparrow

88. Which member of the Struthioniformes is crenulated?
The Castlewary

89. Which struthioniform is a form of insurance agent?
A Actuary

90. What do you call medievil surf birds?
The Pheasants

91. What do you call a curmudgeonly rallidae?
An Old Coot

92. What do you call a sharpshooting rostratulid?
A Snipe-r

93. What is the luckiest bird?
The four leaf plover

Auks and skua are two diferent types of birds yet they have the same name

94. What happend to the tall chucker?
It hit a grouse spurt

96. Why can't population biologist predict the number of tetronidae?
Because it will always be a grouse underestimate

97. Where do tropical ornithologists go for cheap Mexican food?
Turaco Bell

99. What happens if you cross a canary with a fan?
You get shredded tweet

100. What was a movie made by Mel Gibson about Biblical Song birds?
The Passerine of Christ

101. How does a bird remove a nut?
With wrens (Wrench)

Bonus Joke:
102 What do you call a point just touching once on a bird?
tanager (tangent)

Anatomy Jokes, The final cut

101 Anatomy Jokes

1. why did the person fail the cadaver lab?
She just couldn't cut it

2. Why isanatomy so hard?
Because the professor is really sternum

3. Who is this book written for?

4. Why are tails so mean?
they just need to be caudaled

5.Why is the spinal column so audacious?
Because he's got nerve

6. Why is the eye like the moon?
They're both in orbit

7.Which part of the human anatomy is president of the galaxy?
Xiphoid Beeblebrox

8.Which part of your anatomy was a the king of rock and roll?
Pelvis Presely

9.I never metatausal I didn't like

10.What are the epic poems about the pelvic region
The Illiac and the oddysey

11.If you cut someone's lower back are you then a lumbar jack?

12. What are these jokes not?
They are not humerus

13.What squaking gland of the digestive tract does long john silver
have on his shoulder?
The parot-id gland

14. In What do you entomb a mummy's throat?
Its sar-esophagus

15.What do you find on tacky tourist anatomy t shirts?
Spleen there got the Tshirt

16.Why must you never loose you fatty fold near you intestines?
Because of the law of conservation of omentum

17. What punctuation mark can be found in the body?
The colon

18.What did the anatomist do to his cars?

19.What part of the digestive tract was named after a famous
psychologist of the 1800s?
Sigmoid freud

20 Did you know there is an old James Bond movie named after a part of the body?
Liver let die

21.If you see a organ flying overhead what is it?
A gull bladder

22. How do you climb a body?
With a step bladder

23.Who did the colon-ol marry?
His beloved Gal-bladder

24 Name a lymphoid movie star?
Charlie Spleen

25.How do muscles go up and down?
In levators

26. Where do skeletal muscles dispose of their solid wastes?
In levatories

27.What is the main act in an anatomical circus?
The man on the flying trapezius

28.What do you call someone mining minerals on someones chest?
A pros-pectoralis an old black and white holywood horror film named after a
muscle near the arm?
Nos-serratus (nosferatus was a vampire movie)

30.Which muscle will freshen your breathe?
The altoids

31. What muscle can be found in mississippi/
The mississippi river deltoid

32. What do you call an enemy's police force?
The oponens Pollicis

33.The oponens Pollicis?
Is the anatomy from Poland?

34.How do you hold muscles together?
With super gluteus

35.What muscle will solve profound mathematical equations?
A Riemann Tensor

36.If an anatomist is kidnapped by aliens what does he/she say?
I was adductored by aliens

37. Why is anatomy so hard?
Because its subject matter is so vastus

38.What muscle was a leader of Argentina in the 1940s?
Evita Peroneus

39.How do you confort a grieving muscle?
give them soleus(solace)

40.What do you call something made up by a muscle?
A hallucis-nation

41.What do anatomists store fluids in?
A jugular trunk

42.Michael Crighton wrote a book about dinosaurs in an anatomy lab,
what was it called?
Thorasic park

43.Name a movie about anatomy starring Whoopi Goldberg?
Cistern act

44.What is a lymphatic exclaimation of intelligence?
Inguinious (ingenious)

45.What gland is responsible for hocking luggies?
The spituitary

46.Parsley, sage, rosemary , and thymus

47.Why was the endocrine student so upset?
He failed a teste

48.How did the doctor diagnose the comatose patient?
It was a no brainer

49.What is the favorite music structure of an anatomist?
Anything with Spinal chords

50.What is the unholy nerve?
The one that is sacral-igious to speak of

51.What nerve is the favorite nerve among the forelorn?
The sigh-atic

52.Which arteries have gender?
The male and femoral arteries

53.Why was the boy nerve attracted to the girl nerve?
Because of her cutaneous

54. Why was the nerve always upset?
Its just surally (surly)

55. Why can you never undestand neural art?
Its just sural (surreal)

56. What was the knight of the nerves known as?

57.What nerve sell peanuts?

58.Where will you find a vegetable in your body?
In your carrot id artery

59.Where will you find a chirping insect inside your body?
In the cricoid artery

60. Was was anatomy called in world war II?
The battle of the axilla and allies

61. What many armed monster attacked tokyo?

62. Axilla questions you want I'll answer em

63. What do you call a back up arm?

64. Name another anatomical herb/

65. What animal if you look it directly in the eye will turn you to stone?
A Basilic (basilisk)

66. Which artery is a famous golfer?
arnold Palmar

67.Where can you go spelunking in a human?
In the vena cava (spelunking is also known as caving)

68.What flower is popular with anatomists?
The illialac

69. How do anatomers measure circles?
With radiuses

70. What do computer programers have in common with anatomists?
The both process

71. What call in basketball is the favorite of an anatomist?
Goal tendon

72. Why does it hurt to touch your back bone?
It is a spine

73. What do musical anatomists play?

74.What is a punk rock bad liked by anatomists?
Lymph biskit

75. What do you call weak vessels?
Lymp nodes

76. Does an anatomist walk with a lymph??

77. Does an anatomical tourist see all the cyts??

78. What game do anatomists paly?
Hyoid and go seek

79. Where can an anatomist go to get some Chinese food?
The Asiatic nerve

80. What creature stalks the night terrorising young anatomists with its calls?
The Spine-owl chord

81. How do you put a hole in a nerve?
With a spin-awl chord

82. Why couldn't the anatomist shoot the egg?
He ran out of amnion

83. How do anatomists light up the night?
With am-neon lights

84. Why are there arms and legs in the brain?
It is part of the LIMBic system

85. Why is there a sheep in your hippocampus?
It is part of the LAMBic system

86. Why are these jokes so awful?
They are about the limb-ICK system

87. How does an anatomist write?
With a limBIC

88.What is a Russian anatomical jet?
The a-MIG-dala

89. Who is the anatomical queen of Naboo?
Queen Amygdala

90. Where are smelling cells made?
In the Olfactory bulb

91. What is a mythological anatomical bird that is reborn from fire
when it dies?
The fornix

92. What is anatomists favorite musical instrument?
The organ

93. What anatomical feature runs rampant through the Himalayas?
The abdominal snow man

94. What does an anatomist do with a popsicle?
He/she finds the O-lick-ranon process

95. What are there so many shards in an anatomy lab?
Because anatomist tend to brachius stuff

96. Who is the favorite talk show host of an anatomist?
Larynx King

97. Who is an anatomists favorite boxer?
Larynx Lewis

98. What does an anatomist give you when she is mad?
A scowl-ple

99. What is an anatomists favorite basketball team?
The New York Larynx

100. What do you call an anatomical kitten?
A Cat-daver

101. Why are these jokes like a body if you don't put it in formaldehyde?
They are both rotten.

101 Zoology Jokes

101 Zoology Jokes

1. What replaced the tape worm?
The CD worm

2.How is Michael Jackson like a clam?
Both are child molluscers

3.What uncuttable particle was with eve?
The atom

4.What is the favored means of comunication among biologists?
A cell phone

5.What do you call a desert roaming humped tongue spitting lizard?
A camel-eon

6.What do you call a vegetable with a nucleus and one without?
A eucarrot and a procarrot

7. What ship did the author of the "Origin of cream cheese" and "The
Descent of Spread" sail to the galapagos on?
The HMS Bagle

8. how do objects far from the body like their water?

9.What do you call a change in frequencies of devils over time?

10.What do Natural Selection and a power converter have in common?
Both involve adaption

11.What biological concepts can you see on signs along roads?
adapt a highway

12.What clothes do biologists wear?

13.What geneticist was a pickle?
Gregor Men-dill

14.How do you get fat cattle?
Give them steeroids

15.Why souldn't you mess with lizards?
Because You'll be saur-y

16.What do metabolisms show off their achievements in?
A trophy case

17.You know I never metabolism I didn't like.

18. Why could a chemist no longer fit into his clothes?
They were reduced

19.Why should you never believe the energy unit of a cell when it says its sick?
Because they are know mitochondriacs

20.When a studier of kidneys makes a shot in basketball what does he exclaim?
Nothing but neph

21.What did Mozart compose for someone's stomach?
An organ concerto

22.What are the lyrics to a song sung by The Biologist Jimmy Stewart?
"supposes Mitosis smells like roses"

23.When a cell get hurt where does it go?
to the ER

24. Where di life go after it started in shallow seas?
Onto deeper philosophical matters

25.Why was the cytoskeleton protein so good in the theater?
It had experience with actin

26.What movie can be found outside the cristae of a mitochondrion?
The Matrix

27.How long does a biologist work?
9 to 2

28.What is the Maryland Biologist Baseball team known as?
The Baltimore Centrioles

29.What do you call a small villian inside your intestines?
A microvili

30.Why is the opposite of pinocytosis like a hollywood movie?
Both are ex-cyting

31.What do Native American biologists sleep in?

32. How do biologists blow their noses?
With ATP

33.Why is keeping track of the cytoskeletal fibers during mitosis so hard?
It is a pain in the aster

34. How do scientist whiten hirudinea?
They use b-leech

35. Why do people not like to classify earthworms?
Its too annelidical

36.What do cellular biologists eat dinner on?
A metaphase plate

37.What do biologists do on wall street?
Buy and Cell

38.How do you destroy a puddy tat?
With a Cat-abolic reaction

39.Lysis--They have special shampoos for that

40.How do you speed up a reaction involving a cow?
Use a cattle-lyst

41.Why do mathematicians like enzymes?
Because they usually involve co-factors

42.What do lyou call predestination for organic energy?

44. How do biologists say the 13th-16th letters of the alphabet?
Amino p (M-N-O-P)

45.What part of the day do elementary school biologists like most?

46.What part of a gene spilled in the PrinceWilliam Sound?
The Exon Valdez

47.Why did the student fail his history of pre evolution test?
He missed Lamark

48.What do you call a dinosaur in a burrow?

49.Why did the evolutionary biologist take his work to the English department?
He needed help with his punctuated equilibrium

50.On a windy day in the winter what piled up in front of the
geneticist's house?
Genetic drift

51.Several hundred millian years ago what did you call a sharpie?
A permian marker

52.What is the oldest island in the Mediterranean?
The Crete-acious

53.What do you call a monoecius calculus fiend?

54. What do you call the union of a sheep and a Ram?
A zygoat

55.What did the biologist go as for Halloween?
Count Gastrula

56.Why was the jelly labeled a smart alec?
Too many cnide remarks

57. Are ancestral reptiles different from modern mammals?
In theri

58.What do you call a dental mystery?
A who dont

59.What do you call a bird like inner membrane?
A parrot-toneum

60.What were the two biological world powers in the 1940s?
The axons and the allies.

61.Why was the spinal cord so bold?
It had a lot of nerve

62.How do you categorize drosophilia?
By its fly-logeny

63. What is the smartest part of a cell?
its mem-brain

64.What was the premature brain mugged by?
A street gang-lia

65.Why did the chimp have such a terrible head ache?
He was hit on the head with a pan

66.What do you call biological jokes?

67.How do biologists get their energy?
Binary Fission

68.How do biologists make things things smoothe?
WIth a file-um

69. What do you call a radiata formula?
A polypnomial

70.What do you call a snail after eating beans?
A gas-tropod

71.What herb do biologists cook with?
A basal metabolism

72.Why was the brain so ancy?
It is a nervous system

73.What rock band do biologists listen to?
The rolling stomes

74.What do you call a picasso painting of a jelly fish?
A cubozoism

75.Who are the followers of the Castro Jelly fish?
The cubozoans

76.Where can you find a cloud in an acoelomate?
In its cirrus

77. What class is related to the lollipop?
The hirudinea, they have anterior and posterior suckers

78.What watch brand is worn by cestoda?
Scolex (rolex)

79.What is the part of a throat related to tape worm?
The e-proglottis

80.Why are round worms so hard to detect?
Because they trichy

81.What country singer is popular with fish?
Vince Gill

82.Why are eagles often found in church?
They are birds of pray

83.How is an earthworm similar to a farmer?
they both have crops

84.How do arthropods get by in life?
By the seta of their pants

85.What part of the anatomy helped relieve New Orleans?
Femur86. Which Swedish 1700s taxonomist consumed large quanties of citrus?
Carolus Limeaus

87. Do biologists still have to pay state and federal Taxons??

88.Why was the marine biologist arrested?
He was Cod red handed and it wasn't a red hering

89.Does hair replacement work for Garibaldies??

90.What did the Marine biologist hang on his wall for the holidays?
A Christmas Reef

91. Why was the botanist so depressed?
He slept on a cot

92. What is the most brittle group of organisms?
The dino-fragile-ates

93. What group of organisms stage the most demonstrations?
The Protesta

94. Which organelle gets in the most fights?
The Rival-some

95. Why are splinter CELLS so dangerous?
They might have nuclear weapons

96. Which polyplacophoran wrote Jurassic park?
Michael Chiton

97. Which group of organisms is best at math?
The Algae bra (good with the ladies too)

98. Which group of organisms will keep coming back to you?
The echo-dermata

99. What was a popular movie about a lost round worm and his father?
Finding Nemotoda

100. How do biologists smooth things over?
With a fine grit phylla

101.If you don't like these here's what I have to say to you-- Zoo what

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

101 Weather Puns

1. Where do storms go to church?
An air mass

2. What is a popular sailing movie among meteorologists?
Mass-ter and command-Air

3. What do you call a carnivore who studies the atmosphere?
A Meat-eorologist

4. What are meteorologists afraid of?
The atmos-fear

5. What do you call it when a meteorologist goes fishing?
A dry line

6. What do you call an average weather scientist?

7. What plant are meteorologists frond of?
The At-moss-sphere

8. How do meteorologists tell time?
With a weather watch

9.How do feudal atmospheric scientists tell what the air pressure is?
With a Baron-meter

10. Why is a huricane like a cyclops?
They both only have one eye

11. What do you call a genetic copy of a meteorologist?
A cy-clone

12. Who is the relative of a meteorologist?
His Auntie Cyclone

13. What does a climatologist tell someone who is nosey?
This is Nin`o business

14. Where does a meteorologist get a drink?
At the Iso-bar

15. What does a meteorologist call a pigsty?

16. How wide at the base is Lady Liberty?
One Statue Mile

17. Why was the meteorologist so sad?
He was in a depression

18. What was a REALLY bad meteorologist sci fi/ horror flick?
Attack of the Killer Tornados (Tomatoes)

19. Why are there so many lightning storms in Australia?
It is after all know as the land down Thunder

20. What does a meteorologist eat with?
A ty-spoon

21. What do you call the residual weather phenomena after a herd of cattle have past?
A ruminant low.

22. What do you call a doctor near water wind and a low pressure?
The storm surge-on

23. What does a meteorologist practice with his/her kids?
Trough love

24.What does a long term meteorologist who likes to ascend things practice?

25. Do meteorologists hail taxis??

26. Do they hail to the Chief??

27. If they are healthy are they looking hail or is it hail-thy

28. What is a meteorolgists favorite reptile?
A blizzard

29. How do meteorologists deal with long term weather?
They Koppen

30. What is a work by Samual Colderidge that talks about a frozen sailor?
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

31. What do you call a horse that carries meteorolgical gear?
A snowpack mule

32. What lives beneath a lime?
A sub-lime-nation

33. Who is the antagonist is the meteorological version of Star Wars?
Darth Vapor

34. Why do weather scientists like flying mammals?
Because they like all things adia-Bat-ic

35.Why couldn't the meteorologist talk?
Because he had a fog in his throat

36. What did the father air mass say to the son air mass?
Now son, Don't blow this

37. Why do non geostrophic winds fight dirty?
Because they are always giving low blows

38. What would a weather scientist say to imply that you must now face the consequences of your actions?
You've made your al-bed-o now sleep in it!

39. Which insect has a troposphere, stratosphere, mesoshere and a thermosphere?
The Ant-mosphere

40. What does a meteorologically inclined extra-terrestrial say?
ET fohn home

41. What do you call a long term monkey?
A clim-ape

42. What is the most common question asked by students of meteorology?
When's it dew?

43. Who is the favorite poet of a meteorologist?
Robert Frost

44. LA has instigated a no Hazing law.

45. Why did the meteorolgist erroneously predict the water saturation of the air?
Because he is only humid

46. Who was a Scottish weather philosopher?
David Hume-id

47. What do you call a human eating wind?

48. What is measured by a slow meteorologist?
The laps rate

49. If the temperature of two rising air masses were measured simultaneously, would that be a co-lapse rate (collapse rate)??

50. Why did the Thunder storm take material out of a backpackers pack?
He was lightning his load

51. Who is a meterologists favorite old time gumshoe and super lawyer?
Perry Monsoon

52. The meteorologist tried to hit the fog but mist.

53. Why do cookie loving scientists love mountains?
Because the like to study oreo-graphic uplift

54. How do meteorologists type?
In polar fonts

55. If "pre" means before, "post" means after, and "inter" means during, shouldn't rain then be called intercipitation??

56. What does a meteorolgoist say when he listens to the radio?
Hey, they're playing my sonde.

57. Why do high pressures have so much money?
Because they are ridge.

58. How do you grow a cloud?
By seeding it

59. Which layer of the atmosphere is easiest for a meteorologist to span?
The staddle-sphere

60. Which layer of the atmosphere has the most ornately cut hedges?
The tropiary-sphere

61. Which layer is commonly mapped by the USGS?
The TOPO sphere

62. In which layer can you find the most relatives of mice?
The St-Rat-osphere

63. Which layer walks with pride?
The Strut-osphere

64. What do you call a stupid cloud?
A nimbus-cile

65. Thermocline, Pycnocline, halocline, Patsy Cline??

66. What did the atmospheric scientist get on his exam?
An F0

67. Why was solar radiation fired?
For being Insolate

68. If English majors are concerned with rough drafts, what are meteorologists concerned with?
Up drafts

69. How do meteorologists make circuts?
In parallel or Cirrus.

70. What is a cloud scientists favorite comic book?
Calvus and Hobbes

70. What is a meteorologists sign?

71. Why do RADAR technitions not like wearing pants made of small bits of metal?
To much Chaffing

72. What do you call a flower like sessile sea organism that measures the wind?
An Anenomometer

73. What does a meteorolgoist call a great quantity of things along the same line?
An Iso-plethora

74. What does a meteorologist do when he/she suspects he/she might have a sunburn?
Initiate a red watch

75. Where does a cryologist eat the meal before supper?
On an ava-lunch

76. What do you get if you mix a glaciologist with a fencer?
An avalunge

77. What is the favorite breakfast food of an avalanche scientist?
Eggs and Beacon

78. Why was the avalance scientist so lazy?
He had no inclination

79. What is a common name among meteorologists?

80. What is the motto of a meteorologist?
To Air is human

81. What is a meteorology song by Eric Clapton?
Albedo Albedo (Alberta Alberta)

82. What is the farthest from a monkey you can get?
The Ape-helion

83. What is a New England meteorologists favorite soup?
Calm Chowder

84. What does a chess playing meteorologist say when he winds (wins) a game?

85. How does a meteorologist get money?
He takes out a cyc-loan

86. The meteorologist specialized in temperatures. He got his degree in degrees.

87. How does an equatorial meteorologist keep rhythm?
By beating a dol-drum

88. What is a meteorologists bank account?
A down draft

89. What is a twilight meteorolgist's favorite mamal?
A dusk rat

90. How does a glaciologist climb a building?
With a graupeling hook

91. What does one meteorolgist say to another?
You're gust is as good as mine.

92. What is the Beauty and the Beast theme song for meteorology?
Be our gust be our gust be our gust

93. What is the favorite movie of a meteorologist?
Gust busters

94. What is a favorite weather book by Jon Swift?
Gully washers travels

Haboob is the Sudanese name for a dust devil?

95. How do meteorologists say high?
With a heat wave

96. What did hercules study?

97. What game do meteorologists play?
Hygrometer and go seeketer

98. If weather invades, is it an inversion??

99. Winds are tachy.

100. Why is a meteorolgist so good at rope work?
They measure knots

101. Why is a meteorologist never on time?
Because so much of what they do is Late-nt heat.

Far Out Puns

101 Astronomy Jokes

1. Q: Did you hear about the astronomer who built a telescope using a
facility in the mountains of Arizona?
He built it from a Kitt

2. Q: What holds up the sun and moon? Sun and Moonbeams

3. Q: Where do Astronauts get a drink? The space bar

4. Q: Why is it hard to tell if a being from the Dog Star is joking?
You can't tell if he's being Sirius

5. Q: How do astronomers get married? In Cygnus and in health

6. Q: Where do astronomers take their kids? To Taurus-R-Us

7. Q: How do astronomers greet each other? Hyades

8. Q: How do astronomers ask for something? Pretty Pleiades

9. Q: What do astronomers find just obscure? Clouds

10. Q: When an Astronomer goes to an ice cream bar what does he order?
A tele-scoop

11. Q: When an astronomer goes into the woods what is he likely to
get? Op-ticks

12. Q: What does a female astronomer carry? A Perseus

13. Q: Why did the ancient Greeks think there was nothing in Ursa
Major? They thought it was a barren sky (Bear in sky)

14. Q: What type of camel is in the sky (no not Camelopardis)? An Andromedary

15. Q: Where do astronomers get their milk? Andromedairy

16. Q: Why are some math teachers like the Northern Crown? They are
both Corona Bore-ialises

17. Q: What do you call a scientist who studies soda pop? A Fizzy-sist

18. Q: What do you call a scientist who studies skin growths? A physi-cyst

19. Q: What do you call a person who knows the forces behind why
people work? A physic-tian
20. Q: What is the brand name of the substance that keeps astronomers
regular? Para-lax

21. Q: What is that bright blue star in Lyra? I haven't the Vega-est idea

22. Q: What do all astronomers posses? Altair egos

23. Q: How did the astronomer survive the narrow escape? By the Cetus
of his pants

24. Q: Why was the crow unable to fin the one he loved? Because the
Corvus of true love never did run smooth

25.Q: Why was the astronomer unable to reach the celestial orb?
Because he failed to planet

26. Q: What do astronomers die of? Cancer

27. Q: Why is astronomy such a good job? Because business is always looking up

28. Q: If the world were to suddenly be devoid of the brightest star
in Auriga, what would it be? A-Capella

29. Q: If a star could sing what would it be? A-Capella

30. Q: What does an astronomer make his jeans out of? Deneb

31. Q: Why was it difficult for the astronomer to put together the
puzzle? He didn't have all the right Pisces

32. Q: How do astronomers see? With sate-lights

33. Q: How do astronomers go horseback ridding? With saddle-lites

34. Q: What do astronomers put on babies feet? Boötes

35. Q: How do astronomers sail across the sky? In a Boötes

36. Q: What TV show do astronomers adore? Zenith Warrior Princess

37. Q: Who observes the skies from Atlantis? Astronomeremaids

38. Q: How do astronomers get home? They catch the space shuttle

39.Q: What do you call a lunatic in space? An Astro-nut

40. Q: What do you call a man tied up in space? An astro-knot

41. Q: If an astronomer is goofing off what is he? A pain in the asterism

42. Q: Who was a famous dancer among the stars? Fred Astaire-ism

43. Q: Why is Hollywood a favorite place among astronomers? They like
to look at the stars

44. Q: Why will the world be sad in 5 billion years after the sun
explodes? We will have lost our sol

45. Q: What type of music does the sun listen to? The hottest hits
from sol-train

46. What is the answer to any equation involving inequalities on the
moon? Crater than or equal to

47. Q: How do Spanish astronomers bid each other adieu? Hast moon-ñana

48. Q: Which astronomer led the Golden Horde? Aquila the Hun

49. Q: Why was the Italian astronomer arrested? Because he Spica'ed the punch

50. Q: Why was the volleyball team of astronomers so good? Because
they practiced their Spicas

51. Q: When an astronomer utters an anathema what is it? A cUrsa Major

52. Q: When is there a horse in the sky? On the vernal and autumnal Equine-ox

53. Q: How do spring, summer, fall and winter flavor their food? With

54. Q: why did the north and South Pole join Hitler? They were on the Axis

55. Q: With whom did the astronomer go on a date with? A very nice gal-axy

56. Q: When a female astronomer ages does she turn into Saggy-tarius

57. Q: Have you heard of the Jamaican gang inhabiting the tallest
mountain on mars? They are calling themselves the Olympus Mons

58. Q: Why was Antarctica locked into a safe? Apparently, she tried
pole vaulting

59. Q: Did you know that Dr. Ted Ghistle created a flying horse-like
creature? It's called a Pega-seuss

60. Q: Who rules the feudal system of the skies? Alde-baron

61. Q: What is in the middle of an astronomic circle? It's Centaur

62. Q: Whose room is worse a physicist or an astronomer? An
astronomer, his room is Messier

63. Q: Why is the Earth like Mardi Gras? Because they both processions

64. Q: What is an astronomer's favorite type of rock? SETI-mentry

65. Q: What is the favorite political party among astronomers? Libra-l

66. Q: Who is the favorite band for young astronomers? They Might Be
Super Giants

67. Q: Why was the space probe arrested? It was a Voyeur-ger

68. Q: What type of poetry is told by the cosmos? The uni-verse

69. Q: What instrument does the discoverer of Pluto play? A Tombaugh-rine

70. Q: What does an astronomer put on his hair? Rigel

71. Q: What is the favorite book of an astronomer? Catcher in the Rye-gel

72. Q: What do you call something that lives in a swamp? A Marsh-ian

73. Q: What do you call a potato in orbit? A spudnik

74. Q: Did you know that the governor of California made a movie
about the light and dark side of the moon? It's called The Terminator
(The terminator is boundary line separating the light side from the
dark side of the moon)

75. The sun is a man of much prominence

76.Q: How do astronauts know what they look like? They look in a Mir

77. Q: Why did the cowpoke fire his gun into space? He wanted to see
shooting stars

78. When asked to find a particular star the astronomer declined

79. Q: What is the favorite song of the ancient Greek astronomers?
Why Not Take Ptolemy (Why Not Take All of Me)

80. Q: What is one of the hardest questions for an astronomer to
answer? Whether something is Phecda or Phiction

81. Q: Why is the moon like that? Oh, it's just a phase

82. Q: Do you know what one of the best aspects of the moon is? It
doesn't let anything phase it

83. Q: What do the moon and the weapon from Star Trek have in common?
They are both phasers

84. Q: What elf was famous for his star observations? Johannes Keepler

85. Chemists deal with anions and cations, astronomers deal with Orions

86. Hercules is the 5th largest constellation, but is composed of
largely 4th and 5th magnitude stars. That means the constellation is
just like the legend: big but not so bright

87. Q: Have you heard about the new race sponsored by the National
Atmospheric and Space Administration? They are calling it NASA-car

88. Q: Did you know that there is a grumpy star found in Ursa Major?
It is know as Mizar

89. Q: Did you also know that it is a double binary star? Mizar loves company

90. War of the Worlds is very toxic if you inhale it, it was after all
written by Hg Wells

91.When astronomers play baseball they don't just play in the
outfield, they play in Deep Field

92.In 1992 where the astronauts feared because, they were Hubble rousers

93. Q: Why would the moon be a good place for a horse race? Because
of all the mare-s there

94. Q: Why was the astronomer reluctant to search for the Scales of
Justice? He was a little Lyrae

95. Q: How does the solar system keep its pants up? With a Kuiper Belt

96. Q: Can you name one old lady circling Jupiter? Granny-mede

97. Q: How does an astronomer find out if 2 goes into 6? He uses
Cassini Division

98. Q: If an astronomer wishes to remain silent what does he say? No Comet

99. Q: What do you call a biography of Edmund Halley? A comet-ary

100. Q: Who was the astronomer's vice president? Alcor (Al Gore)

101. Q: After reading 101 of my astronomy jokes, what has your brain
become? A super massive Black Hole