Thursday, February 22, 2007
Were beaten battered and done.
Went we back through for the hidden clues to mine.
In every room we scoured til trinkets we did find.
They were strange and not quite what we were hopen:
A book that would not open.
The afore mentioned pedal.
A statue of forlorn lovers made of metal.
A matrix of only rows.
A story of no financial woes.
A figure looking ready to fight
It was none other than a minature black knight.
And finally a thorn and stem.
Our task was to put it together and figure out what united them.
Entered we the final room.
Get it right or certain doom.
Solve the riddle on our first try,
or face death himself and die.
All around the room were vials of poison.
But between them, every object you could imagine.
Get the riddle right
And we would leave the room that night.
But if we were wrong.
We would be gone.
All the evidence was plainly there
But we had to select with extreme care.
When it comes to solving riddles I am great.
But how could I unite all of the above eight?
Get it wrong and I am dead.
Ah ha, a book that cannot be read.
The pedal, stem and thorn that comes from a flower.
Black as knight is the key for the figure of power.
No financial woes is a finance all in black.
Flowers no lovers ever will lack.
And a matrix with naught but rows.
To the black rose I goes.
Luck is full of quirks,
But I pulled the flower, and found a key that works.
Thanks to a mind that was deft.
Luck's room of horrors we calmly left.
Since we were the first,
To make it through Luck's worst,
Since we had showed such prowess and such skill.
Luck gave to us what we would will.
I am a rogue, a man born and bred of the sneak attack.
This is hard to do for things with organs and a back lack.
A book filled with ways of striking a fatal blow home.
The material properties tome.
From this book I did learn.
All the secrets I did yearn.
Whether foe be alive or nay,
This book show the sneak attacking way.
The proper blow to proper spot.
And with luck, one successful sneak attack you have got.
All of these were gifts we didn't have to give back.
But I also picked up a Heward's handy haversack.
Dewey wouldn't leave til he'd mastered greater cleave.
Also got Dewey, a potion that would make him more potent than even great Hector.
Through Dewey now coarsed immortal nectar.
Dewey could still be killed,
But that feat was made much harder now that each turn Dewey 10 points would be healed.
Armed we now
With greater gear and a better know how,
We set about to fulfill our vow.
Found out we, that while in the den of luck.
Time that night was stuck.
Frantic were we about how we could save the barkeeps lil' lass
But shocked were we when we found that in the domain of Luck, time does not pass.
So come ye again before the nest spin of this great worl'.
To see if we saved that endangered girl.
Read ye more about the where's and the how,
But just not right now.
We heard of the druid with wolfy pet.
In those carnivals
Within those castle walls,
More fiends and foes we had to best.
Scores of undead who never rest.
With an undead Troll
we did stroll.
One who just won't die, finally did.
At the site of his armor we almost hid.
But we were fighters and had some class.
We burned his bones, and kicked his... glass.
For this I should tell of this undead trollish guy.
He was so vain, he had a glass eye.
And so when said troll was bagged.
In my bag his eye I dragged.
When behind the next door we heard a rustle,
Into a fight with a troop of undead nymphs we did trustle.
Undead nyphms aren't real cute.
Especially when their rotting flesh makes you want to puke.
In their ability for scandalous seductions.
There was noticable reductions.
With quite a few more oddities we did clash.
Myself, our clan, and Dewey hackenbash.
But the best of all, the legend that will be retold as we grow older
was how I Fitch glued the gnome to the beholder.
A beast once know for its fearsome glares
And angry deathly stares.
Were it not trying to kill us it would have been our friend.
But as it was trying to kill us all.
Him a friend i would not call.
In life he was known for his death rays.
Stun you, kill you, and amaze.
But not reduced to bites,
was how this beholder fights.
Tried to chew upon us.
Wanted he us for our guts.
Tried we to jab
But he did twist, bob, real, dive and swoop.
So a lift by magic I did use.
Tossed a tanglefoot bag and covered the brute in glues.
Now this I did not know,
When the bag I went to throw.
The gnome was hidden behind.
Aw well being glued to the side of the beholder I don't think the gnome will mind.
A sandcastle the gnome made of me besides,
So I glued him to the beholders sides.
Now both were stuck.
The beholder couldn't weave and was easily struck.
But now the gnome was stuck amid the muck.
And when we'd swing,
he tried to sing.
But being glued,
he gave a performance to which we booed.
How he almost died as we did jab.
We almost sent him to the anatomists slab.
But it was the gnome's stick
That allowed us to finish the beholder quick.
Oh and this I should tell.
Of what in each room befell.
In each room we found clues,
but solving them gave us the blues
But listen again all of yous
For I will tell more I promise trues.
But for now I must go.
Read again later for the rest of the show.
1. What is your favorite word?
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconiosis is a good one. It means having very fine silica particulate in your lungs. Its also known as coal miner's disease. Floccinoccinihilipilification meaning to make nothing is also a fine specimen. Two very useful words are Spiffy and Indeed. They find use in quite a few spiffy situations indeed!
2. What is your least favorite word?
The f word that ends in a k, and I don't mean flying duck, Firetruck, or the four letter version ending in a k of fork, is a pretty bad one, especially when over used i.e. at all. But I can forgive the person who uses the F daddy as simply uncouth and trying to shock people with its use. The word I despise above all others is "Deserve." What you don't feel you deserve your fate in life, like Christ deserved to be nailed to a cross and die for you? People in Africa deserve to die of starvation while we in America are so fat we now have to take up two seats on an airplane? So because you worked hard, good for you, you now deserve XYand Z while the millions of people who work their entire lives day in and day out deserve to be paid the lowest possible pittance for a wage? The world deserves HIV, cancer and any other horrible disease? Sorry folks, but even though I think that ultimately life IS fair in the long run. I don't think its based on a system that rewards you for what you deserve, so people, PLEASE stop using it.
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
For that I turn to the world's great books and my amazing friends. They never cease to amaze me.
4. What turns you off?
Not knowing is one thing. Not thinking/ not caring THAT kills me.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
Frigning ne Whoo Ha! Its a fun word, you should try it some time. Very cathartic.
6. What sound or noise do you love?
Clarinets, swing bands, good classical music. Massive rain storms, thunder.
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
Chalk boards check. Television check, especially when their is NOTHING ON, which if you read one of my previous posts ( Wednesday, January 10, 2007) you will realize I think this condition is met quite frequently.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Teacher, Scientist, Polar explorer, Author, stand up comedian, coast guard, NOAA officer, marine biologist, astronomer... ah can't I just do them all. The aptitude test I took in high school said I would be good at all of them, so why can't I just do all of them?
9. What profession would you not like to do?
I don't really want to work in business, stuck in a cubicle told what to think and do day after day. Creativity connection to the world severed burned and destroyed. I don't want to be a yes man working 9-5. I don't want to be like everyone else. And I don't want to be an accountant. Bleah. No offense to either two of you out there who actually do want this, that's your dream, not mine.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?So have you heard the one about ...
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
we were wisked that day.
The citadel of luck's land
Was an adventure long he had planned.
In a room were we,
surrounded by levers three.
"Pull them all,
take a fall.
From under you the floor drops,
Gasp for breath and your heart stops.
have some fun
You won't know what to do.
Pull them in the wrong order
and You will face an undead beholder.
Pull them right,
and you will still fight.
But, with new found friends
you will meet your ends."
So we pulled one
to see what was done.
Oh No alas, we Blue it,
ah, but fear not for it was but a friendly druid.
A druid with wolf in tow,
followed him everywhere he would go.
Our blades were ready they were set,
but it turned out to be one Dewey had already met.
Before we pulled the next thing,
Dewey and Herr Druidy gosiped in that mechanical hall.
Reminded of the time when last they met, the druid smacked face first into a wall.
A fersome and ferrousious beast they fought.
Their ends he sought.
The wolf slipped and slid.
The druid would have been better if he had hid.
First the wolf fell flat,
Then Druid Drogon tripped an thudded with a splat.
If that weren't bad enough a third landed upon them after all that.
They laughed and guffawed,
They chuckled, they hemmed and they hawed.
And when their fine memories began to grow dull,
they gave the lever one more pull.
Who or what was it in front of me,
A roughish band I did see.
Armed and bristling with pitchforks.
But alas they were far to few,
Dewey, the ranger, druid, dorf, gnome and me, we pitched them all without much ado.
Pulled it again,
saw the world spin.
Again and again,
each time the room did spin.
But when all was told,
Our numbers now grew 2 or three fold.
Now amid our midsts
We boasted, ranger, druid, gnome, dwarf and sorceress.
Dewey and me.
And a sheep in wolf's cloth.
The furred terror, wouldn't hurt a moth.
Now that our fellowship was complete,
We had a demigogues fun house to beat.
Now we did not all get along together so well,
For some of us it was an adventure, and for some it was ... Just swell.
I don't know why they were mad at me, I am confused as to what exactly I did do?
All in the name of fun I held true.
While they were attentively listening arounds,
I cast a cantrip--Ghost sounds.
I was greatly amused,
But their looks said their egos were bruised.
So to make amends,
I used my cloak to good ends.
On the other side of the dook I did want to peak,
So opened it and went in I did sneak.
When I stepped inside,
I'm glad I had my cloak, for I wanted to hide.
Their was a pit in my tummy,
for what did I behold, none other than a TROOP of mummy.
So I snuk back out,
And we plotted our next bout.
We had a plan, it would work if we could do it just right.
Cover the mummies in Alchemist's fire, then with the help of a well placed fireball, We would make them feel light.
So again I opened the door,
donned the cloak and snuck along the floor.
When we had our positions just right,
we were now ready to fight.
Aft the juice I did pour,
Suzie the Silent, Greatest fire mage of lore,
Tossed she open the door,
WIth a well placed fireball, the mummies were no more.
A single hit,
That was it,
When once there were four
Mummies now no more.
Oh it was great pleasure,
to scratchlessly unearth such treasure.
But soon a box with riddle,
we now did fiddle.
A chest fitted with key,
Were it not for the lock
that did block,
That chest would have been too much for me.
But what was in side?
What was that strange thing we spied.
Not crafted of wood, stone or metal,
What we found was a bicycle pedal.
Surely this is out of place,
Amid the loot of the mummy race.
Of it we thought no more,
but finding its true purpose turned out to be quite the chore.
Ah but our strange journey is far from over,
Quite the contrary, it gets even bolder.
You'll have to tune in
for your jaw will be agape again.
Find out how, an eye socket makes a great holster,
and I'll tell you how the gnome got glued to the beholder.
But for of all this,
You'll just have to wait. For if I told you more, I would be remiss.
On the morrow, return to my story telling niche
and I will tell you more of the Rubiyitch of Jytan Fitch.
Friday, February 16, 2007
As I tell you why.
Twixt the battles fought o'er the graves,
But before the girl Fitch has to save.
A victory of more undead was Fitch able to boast.
Fought he 'gainst that ghastly host.
A dragon is not one that is easy to kill.
But even rarer is the one that is Undead, sans any frills.
To the death they fought, just for thrills.
Mighty smashes of their tails give Fitch the spills
Not one but two were there,
there to give Fitch and friends quite a scare.
Their fiery breath was no more
So with their razor teeth they tore.
Long against these foes
Dewey, Fitch and the Dorf battered.
Against empty bones blow upon blow clattered.
Making no headway where they,
nearly died and became undead dragon prey.
While The three fellows whacked,
they did not realize that they had been tracked.
Followed were they, by the likes of a high elf.
A great Bowman who thought not of himself.
Allais Bedovar The Unerring.
Joined with us, for he saw our acts of great caring.
Fought with us for he saw our acts of great daring.
So strong of will was he, he could make men cower just by glaring.
Brougth with he, a gnomic Bard.
Though the bard a shortie be, ne'er hath I seen a man fought so hard.
With the addition of elven bow
The bard had naught seen such a glad trio.
Knocked, drew, WHOOSH! Two arrows flew.
Straight and deadly, their path was true.
We had thus nearly died,
but now we had the elf and gnome on our side.
For we were not done yet, for in these parts a great necromancer resides.
As though dragons were not enougha mummified king we had to fight besides.
With flames, and swords, arrows, axes and songs
We launched upon the king all night long.
Erst a while ago
I told you something that just now I did know.
The fact that I am a controller of magical power,
Of this I did learn, only within the last hour.
Right there afore my very eyes,
Much to mine and my friends utter surprize,
A bag that once held dyes,
above the ground it did rise.
Lifting it with my mind.
I realized I had just left ordinary behind.
Though maybe not to kill,
perhaps I could still use this useful skill.
Before the mummy could again attack,
I covered his head with a sack.
while we caught him unawares,
into him with our dirks we did tears.
Break out the marshmallows, for now the mummy was in flames
After that he never quite was the sames.
But, off the mask he tore.
Tossed mi bag to the floor.
For me his eyes spelled doom.
Smacked me so hard he send me across the room.
His rotting visage was filled with hate.
so well did he
That briefly I did levitate
Until I hit the wall
Hazy was the rest, for after that I don't remember much at all.
After counteless blows from us adventury chaps,
we finally had that mummy under wraps.
But the news for me,
it wasn't good you see.
After that might thwop,
I had but minutes till I would drop.
For afflicted was I, with Mummy rot.
I had but 5 minutes till dust would I be here upon this spot.
It was really not in my plans
to be turned to sands.
I had my wand for making me invisible,
But Dewey had with him, something even more essential.
Gained in one of Dewey's earlier boughts of sport,
He picked up an amulet of teleport.
Gone in a flash,
he didn't even stop to loot the Mummies cash.
Off he went, ever so quick,
To go find a desk cleric.
A friend he had,
Hoped soon he could get to him, for me it was looking bad.
Oh how Dewey tried.
But on that day I actually died!
An Ego it definately hurts,
To be turned to various dirts.
The gnome wasn't swayed by the hastle.
He was quick to turn my ashes to a sand castle.
That day I suffered from Turrets syndrome.
I just wanted to be me again and go home.
But that day, fortune was with me,
For as you see
I would be lost if the slightest breeze blew.
But Dewey returned with a Cleric to do a resurection true.
From ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
Thanking the cleric was now a definate must.
I was dead. I had died.
Yet thanks to a cleric, I had survived.
He did not blame, he did not point fault.
All he asked was for me to find what was hidden in the king's vault.
That vault, much later I would explore.
I would make a discovery worthy of lore.
But the monsters we had to fight there were still more.
Well gaurded was this dungeon.
It was as though the necromancer created concoctions of creatures just for fun.
Before further I should go.
There is this you should know.
I noticed I now had an eerie gray glow.
The others noticed it also.
I discovered when I awoke,
I now had what appeared to be an etherial cloak.
Because I had died,
I was now blessed with a cloak from the other side.
Enrobbed in the garb of a ghost,
for 10 minutes I could turn etherial is now a feet I could boast.
The beloved priest,
I thanked him a thousand times at least.
He could not stay,
it had already been a long day.
He had to go.
It was again the Dewey, Dorf, Fitch and friends show.
Now at last the stage was set.
The girl we could finally get.
We would never have thought,
The strange thing that next befell our plot.
By a minor god we were next waylaid.
Into the hands of the God of luck, like chesspawns we played.
Before we could save the maiden like we sought.
Time temporarily did stop.
Through space and time we were suddenly hurled.
We were now in Luck's gambling world.
But what happened here,
was rather queer.
But later you will have to read,
To find how much more Fitch does bleed.
To find how Fitch saves his skin.
Does Fitch give death another try?
Is the maiden saved or does she die?
So, tune in tomorrow,
Find out is it a tale of joy, or of sorrow.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Does anyone else ever wonder how the above turned into the below?
And how 1.) came to be symbolized in the middle of February by the below?
And how any of the above came to be associated with love?
Happy Dia de Los Cardiology.
Monday, February 12, 2007
2. What type of naps do two dimensional kittens take?
3. The Chemistry department is giving away neutrons.
They are free of charge. (But only after the rebate)
4. Garth Nix wrote a book about offspring of a lamp covering?
Its called Shade's Children
5. Why couldn't the wine keeper make any of his appointments?
He had pressing demands
6. If you didn't like the last joke I don't want to hear any wining.
7. is the person in charge of setting up chairs at a function the chairman?
8. Why was Ginger Rogers so ashamed?
She couldn't bear all of the awkward Astaires
9. Why did the possesed man go to the gym?
He wanted to have his Demons Excercised
10. What do you find in foam books?
11. What do you get if you cross long wiggly bacteria that cause Lyme disease, with household avian pets, with a common packaging material?
12. What do you monastic apes?
13. Where can you go to see interesting vegetables in captivity?
14. What did the boy portal of entry say to the girl port of entry?
I A-door you
15. What does a clock maker get on February 14?
16. Why would a knighted outer electron make a good security guard?
Because it is Sir Valence
17. What is a dog's favorite version of our national anthem?
The star Spaniel Banner
18. What is the favorite trash TV show for dogs?
Jerry Springer Spaniel
19. What is a tortise's favorite pasta?
20. What do you call it when you are in an argument with a Russian Legend?
21. What do you call a storage fascility for people who make cake mix?
A battered womens shelter.
22. Why is writing jokes about confectionry so easy?
Its a piece of cake
23. What do you call these jokes?
24. Alternative definition: Baked Alaska
See Global Warming.
25. What do you get if you cover a girl scout in fudge?
26. If you put computer tracking devices in the GSA are they Girl Scout Cookies?
27. What do you call the study of A Yellow Wood?
28. Alternative definition: Cooking
29. Alternative definition: Horse drawn carriage
A wagon artistically penciled by an ungulate
30. What do you call chaos in the Kitchen (and don't answer "normal")?
31. What do you call a wide screen picture taken of someone's kitchen?
32. Why do people like dairy cattle?
Because they can milk them for all they are worth.
33. What do cookies expell?
34. Do eggs live a Shell-tered egg-sistance?
35. Why is boxing like most Friday dinners?
They both in volve takeouts
36. The spatula was just scraping by in life.
37. What do pot cleaning nurses wear?
38. What do you call something on fire floating on water?
39. Have you heard of the disease you can catch in an airport?
40. How is a brassier maker like a chef?
They both involve measuring cups
41. How is a basketball game like its players?
They both bouunce checks.
42. Do you kno the motto of unleavened bread makers?
Last but not yeast
43. Have you heard about the bread market?
Sales are rising
44. What do the Brits wear around 4 pm in the afternoon?
45. What do you call fermented cabbage down a storm drain?
46. What do you call cabbage fermentedd by a tailor?
47. How do you get into a locked computer?
You use the right Key-board
48. What is a Narwhale's biggest concern?
49. What magazine services singing mammals?
50. Alternative definition: OPEC
The muscles located on the OChest
51. Alternative definition: Cyanide
Non addicting sleep aid
52. AD: Strictnine
One more than my Eight hardest teachers
53. AD: Hemlock
A new wrestling move where they hold you by your inseams
54. What does an enlightened densist seek?
55. Hey I am making lots of bread jokes, I guess I am on a roll.
(sourdough or wheat)
56. What type of underwear do healthy cereals of champions wear?
57. Why did the computer science student go broke?
He gave his teacher an APPLE a day.
58. What is blogger's favorite sci fi movie?
Blog to the future
59. How is this post similar to a twice formed bog?
There might be some re-peat
60. What is a swamp's favorite sci fi movie?
Bog to the future
61. If you are buying a fen what do you put it in?
A shopping bog
62. What do you call micro-organisms living in a marsh?
63. What was a famous swamp actor?
64. If you buy a bad citrus fruit, did you buy a lemon?
65. What is the worst part about shopping for citrus?
Waiting in Lime
66. Who is a muts favorite Russian Author?
67. There is a new brand of horse STD protection. They are calling it the TROJAN horse
68. What do you call it if a book by Ayn Rand starts taking in water?
The Drinking Fountainhead
69. How do you get rid of paranatural billys, kids, nannys, etc?
You call the Goats-busters
70. Have you heard of the garbage eating goat?
He got canned?
71. Did you hear about the guy who fell asleep in a packing plant?
He got canned.
72. How about the guy who backed up inot a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
73. What do you call a shirt on a goat?
74. The goat wanted needed someone to watch his Kid Billy so he hired a Nanny.
75. How does a sheep store documents on a computer?
On the RAM
76. Disney land is an ironic place it is a people trap run by a mouse
77. Why doesn't a mouse trap work during Easter?
Its Spring Break
78. What was that last joke?
79. Why did the out of control guy go to the guilletine?
He los this head.
... He took a little of the top.
... He had his ears lowered.
82. Why do hair stylists never need to go to Jenny Craig?
Because they already have a trim figure
83. What type of watch does a tape worm wear?
84. What do you call well seasoned celery?
85. What food product can be found in the bible that goes well with Olive oil?
86. If a pronoun takes the place fo a noun, What does a proverb take the place of??
87. FOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEE!!! FORRREEE!!!! FORE! FO! F!
What was that?
A bit of foreshortening.
88. If the Bay of Bengal is in the Indian Ocean, which sea has the ebay??
89. How are my jokes like oil?
They are crude at first but eventually they get more refined.
90. I wouldn't want to be a clock hand. They are going in circles all day, round the clock.
91. Is an editor a draftsman?
92. Alternative definition _____
Drawing a blank.
93. What is the space in a sentence you haven't hit yet?
You're coming up blank.
94. What were those two jokes?
95. What was the above?
96. What comes after a period?
97. Are geologists stoners?
98. Are potters Pot heads?
99. What do you call an earthenware cow being fired in a field?
Its out glazing in a field
100. Is a fired torus a glazed doughnut?
101. What is a broken pots favorite color?
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
I do not like blogs and green spam.
- I do not like them in a box.
- I do not like them with a fox.
- I do not like them here or there.
- I do not like them anywhere.
- I do not like green eggs and Spam.
- I do not like them in a house.
- I do not like them with a mouse
- I do not like them, anonymous.