My Stand Up Comedy Debut

So Yesterday, January 18th 2008, I successfully performed in my stand up comedy debut. I pulled of my routine flawlessly, except the one time in my life where I publicly NEED to lick my elbow, I couldn't do it. I also could not remember the word Alzheimers. I didn't win. I did get 4th place though. ANd the one who won needed a new transmission so life worked out well. I am still an excellent practicioner of dontopedology--The science of opening my mouth and sticking my foot in it. I said some really stupid things afterward that probably cost me, but as far as the performance itself, I got at least one laugh on every joke and had no complaints afterward. It went really well. And for viewing pleasure, just in case you missed my performance, here's a transcript (Sadly No YouTube links :(

"So I just applied for a job. In the interview they asked what special skills I had. I told them I can lick my nose, I can lick my elbow [It took me two tries] and I can poke my head through a hole the size of a quarter [pokes head]. Yea, sadly, I didn't get the job. It got outsourced to India. So I decided I would go to college and get me some more skills. My trip started with a visit to the councilors. They said I might even consider studying abroad. I said, "Broad Based Education, does that mean I can study GIRLS!?! And if I get to study a broad do I get to pick wich one?" I decided I would start with the place where all the action was. I went to Institute. Great classes there. Contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a really diverse state. We have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in blue shirts, and even Mormons in green shirts. When I first came here we had a choice of Four churches I could have gone to. The first ward, the second ward, or the singles ward. In those institute classes, We talked about morals--Roman Emporers have the most morals they are on the straight and Nero. We talked about drugs--Hiding opiates in your bicycle is considered drug pedalling. We even mentioned why people go to the gym--its to get their demons excercised. ya gotta be careful though if you don't pay your excorcist you may get repossessed. But the big thing they talked about in institute is Dating and Marriage. So, I got me a girl friend. She's a real looker. SHe's a girl with one eye, named Wanda, her other eye is named Fred. She was a pre-med major. She said she wanted to stay up all night studying anatomy with me. I got really excited about that, until I found out she really meant the book. I think she had OCD though. Everytime I told here she had obsessive compulsive dissorder she told me No she didn't she had CDO it is in alphabetical order that way. She also had a wooden leg, but sadly we broke it off. Too much drama--It was her minor. Her specialty was pantomime {I actually forgot to say that last line so the upcoming punchline died, but strangely enough people still laughed.} she just couldn't think outside of the box [mimed a glass box]. But her rendition of a chicken crossing the road---shear poultry in motion. Speaking of Poetry My English class was really great. Except the first day of class she was late she said she had to stop and change a satire. Later she told us that while reading romantic poetry we had to be very Thoreau. We read some really great books in that class though. Phone Book: the musical, the how to guide for Do it yourself Colonoscopies, Effective Parenting, by B. Spears with a foreward on how to entertain young boys by Michael Jackson. We even read a really good one "101 pranks you can play on the mob". But my favorite book was one that had action adventure, drama, excitment, mystery, intrigue, suspense and antidisestablismentarianism. The dictionary. It was reading the dictionary that got me my latest hobby, coming up with alternative definitions to well known words. One I came up with was an alternative definition for acupressure. Its means how to deal with pressing demands. The academy Awards is praising people for not being themselves. A bra is a fallout shelter, a topless beach is a place with no strings attached. I even found a recipe for baked Alaska while reading the dictionary. It told me to look under Global Warming. But the best definition was Absolute Zero. I had a hard time understanding what exactly absolute zero was, until I remembered that it was the grade I got in my math class. Speaking of math. Math was a good class. It was a little scary though. The first day someone passed out. We couldn't find a doctor, but fortunately the professor knew a parametric. After that he taught us about binary. I get it, I finally get binary. Bi means two so clearly a binary is two canaries duh! After that he taught us multivariable Roman Numeral calculus. Finding maximums were a little tricky. He liked giving us story problems. He gave us one about New York where we had to find the constant. I know whats constant in New York. Death and Taxis. Then he gave us one about a dog's eyesight. Everyone knows houndsight is 20/20 then we had to find how much the dog weighed 16 ounces per hound. But our professor was a little nerdy. He presented at a Star Trek convention. His speech was entitled finding Nemoy. He talked about fixing a car using spock plugs. Then he got off into the differences in various Star Wars Fighters, you know the X wings, the Y wings, he even had Chebacca's Wookie card. After math came physics. We talked about the opposite of pulleys pusheys. We even threw small metal musical instruments into water to discuss dampened harmonica motion. After physics came zoology. I learned that there is a special scientific name for a lazy kangaroo they call them pouch potatoes. The opposite of a bacteria is a fronteria. I learned what came after the tape worm, the Cdworm. And from my pre-med friends I learned about some various injuries people have survived from. The guy who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully re-covered. And the guy who backed into a meat processing plant got a little behind in his work. We also learned about aging. Did you know that uhm er what was that word oh yeah Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu? You know you have forgot this before. And speaking of aging, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home and how do I get me some!? Thank you Good night, I am going to practice a little comic relief and stop talking now."

Thunderous applause. And I was in the finals 4th place for that comedy routine. There you have it. I hope you enjoyed it and I also hope it was too crude or offensive for you tastes. Good night, good luck, may you be enlightened.