Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The dead of winter

Because January is supposedly the DEAD of winter, and because the old year recently died, and because one of my friends is an undertakers assistant, because what else should follow jokes about microbes, and because my Christmas Break is in its dying days, and the final "and" is because I am DYING to go back to Steiner, here now is 101 puns on Death.

101 Puns to Die For

1. What do jokes about death and an auction have in common?
They are both morbid

2. Who protects us in death?
The Marine Corpse

3. Why are so few people morticians?
It is a large undertaking

4. Are mortician towels labeled "His" and "Hearse"?

5. Is a warm day to a mortician an embalmy day?

6. Are mortician wind storms stiff breezes?

7. Do morticians drink stiff drinks or are they soft drinks?

8. Have you heard about the humorless sail ropes man named Mortis?
All of his friends called him rigger Mortis.

9. What is the favorite sandwich of morticians?
Cold cuts

10. Morticians have great immune systems, everyone they meet is coffin but they aren't.

11. After learning their onebs multiplications, do undertakers learn their tombs?

12. Motto of an undertaker: You can inter but you cannot exit

13. From We would rather deal with all of Al Queida than a single American. Motto of a funeral home

To quote from Douglas Adams, You have been Diverted!
Elder Kobus has a blog stage left of the same name. And as of Jan 1 has returned from South Africa. Great fun rejoice! We now return you to your regularly scheduled DEADly boring programming except instead we shall here take a detour and continue with the letter C

{The marine biologist walked with a limpet}

How to ADD volume C

1. Jimmy's report card
the seven "C"s

2. Cabal
The alternative to satellite

3. Cabbage Picking
Off with their heads

4. Cabaret
A place to go for kicks

5. Caber
A real toss up

6. Cabin boy
a swab young lad

7. Cabinet
An open and shut industry

8. Cable
One who is high strung

9. Caboodle
A Canadian Poodle

10. Caboose
The end of training

Cacanny is british for slow down

11. Cactus
A plant that quickly comes to its point

12. Cadaver
A real cut up

13. Caddy
Give me a hauler

Cade is a lamb left by its mother and reared by hand.

14. The logo on a nurse's uniform
medical staff

15. Caesar
One who gets a lot of Rome-ing charges

16. Caesar salad
One with lots of Romaine charges

17. coffee with cream
a Stirring derivation

18. A man with a good Cadence
One who takes it all in stride

19. Professional bondage
being strapped for cash

More 2c later, but now back to the grave task at hand.

14. A supped up funeral car has 300 hearse power.

15. If a funeral home director gets too stressed he might blow a casket.

16. An undertaker really digs his job.

17. Undertakers make great volleyball plays they are good at getting the digs.

18. An undertaker with nice pants has some good looking digs.

19. An apprentice undertaker has an inter-nship.

20. If you mix scuba with a mortician do you get a cad-diver?

21. For a quantum mortician does casualty always precede effectualty?

22. A scared mortician wants his mummy and deady.

23. The skeleton didn't go to the dance because he had no body to go with him.

24. A skeleton walks into a bar and order a drink and a mop.

25. The skeleton didn't go on the roller coaster because he didn't have any guts.

26. The angry skeleton had a bone to pick.

27. Mathematicians don't die they simply cease to function.

28. Do hippie morticians tie die?

29. What do you call it when death is sad?
The Grim weaper

30. Does Death read the Grim fairy tales?

31. What is a coroner's favorite Poe book?
Murders on the Rue Morgue

32. If a mortician is crowned king does he have a coroner-ation?

33. Motto of the city morgue: You stab em we slab em.

34. Who is a morticians favorite mythological character?
Morgue-ana Lefey (nemesis of Merlin)

35. Is an all you can eat funeral home a s-morgue-as board?

36. We know how to make mummies but we want to keep that secret under wraps.

37. Is a mummy maker a wrap artist?

38. If you do a dance while carrying a coffin what are you?
A palldancer

39. How are funerals like motor boats?
They both have wakes

40. Comedic eulogies often wake the dead.

41. An apathetic mortician couldn't cairn less.

42. How is someone who dies like a football quarterback (and don't say they have the same number of yards as the WSU quarterback)?
They both pass away

43. Morticians are never fed ammunition because they might bite the bullet?

44. Old hicks don't die, they just bite the mullet.

45. The zombie found the ghoul of his dreams.

46. Who is a zombie's favorite composer?
Glenn Ghould

47. What do you call an exciting mortuary?
A FUNeral home

48. Are mossoliums for poles pole vaults?

49. If you turn a cemetery what is it?
A rotational cemetary

50. If you make a polyandrium out of concrete what is it?
A cementary

51. What is a funeral director's favorite soda company?
Davie Jones's

52. Jimmy please use the word "ossuary" in a sentence.
I wanted to know where he was buried, so I ossuary he was.

53. If you have a bone collection building covered in bryophytes, what is it?
A moss-uary

54. Where do dead head holders go?
A neck-ropolis

55. What do you called a rocket propelled cadaver house?
A mortar-uary

56. Where do dead computers go?
Reboot hill

57. How do cats keep their fur looking nice?
With a catacomb

58. What is another name for a dead vinyard?
A grapeyard (graveyard)

59. Alternative definition: Mortician
A crypt-ographer

60. Is a dead cat a catdaver?

61. Do morticians ever get dead arms?

62. What is a morticians favorite time?
The dead of night

63. Are undead frogs always croaking?

64. How would you describe Igor?
A dealy de-parted

65. What is a zombie's favorite book?
Timothy of Decay

66. Are these jokes jokes about the pundead?

67. Do bar owning ghosts serve spirits?

68. Why didn't the spirit run for office?
He didn't stand a ghost of a chance.

69. Are dead autobiographies written by someone else ghost writters?

70. Why do morticians like Las Vegas craps tables?
People frequently die.

71. Which mortician supposedly wrote the Princess Bride?
Stanley Morgue-enstern

72. What is the favorite constellation for morticians?
The Coroner borealis

73. What do you give at a sheep's funeral?
A ewe-logy

74. Alternative definition: A want to be creamated
A burning desire

75. Do dairy farmers get cream-ated?

76. Two cars crashed their owners heald a wreck-uiem?

77. A man doesn' t turn left, he goes the other direction and dies, what happened?
He took his last rights

78. Do dead computers have o-bit-uaries?

79. Do dead astrononauts have orbit-uaries?

80. What do you call a 6 foot undertaker who really should be 12 feet?
6 feet under.

81. What did they call it when world's largest cow died?
They said she was 6 feet udder

82. What do you call a reading of the scottish poet?
An in-Hume-ation

83. Which ancient egyptian king had a larger armored division than any of his predaccessors?

84. Have you heard about the flag bearer who took the flag into the coffin with him?
His standards were lowered.

85. Are gravediggers often grounded?

86. Why do most people die in the spring?
So that they can have a funeral March

87. What motto do you get if you cross a funeral with an environmentalist?
Save the wails

88. Where do underwater volcanoes go go when they die?
To a Fumerole parlor

89. What do you have for a dead plant?
Have a fern-eral

90. What is a mortician's favorite epic tragedy?
Die-do and Aeneas

91. Who is a mortician's favorite Greek hero?

92. How do boats die?
They keel over

93. Do mortician's Die-t?

94. What is the opposite of an autopsy?
An aubottomsy

95. What is a morticians assistant's favorite type of cow?
The gurney

96. What is an undertaker's favorite old time movie?
Ben Hearse

97. Helen Hearse?

98. What is an undertaker's favorite brand of candy?

99. Which Star Trek figure is a mortician's favorite?
Dead-a (data)

100. What is an undertaker's favorite star?
The death star

101. What has happened after reading all of this?
I have killed your brain cells

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