Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Making Fun of the Little Things

101 Microbiology Jokes

1. Which Staining procedure wins the most races?
Acid Fast

2. What does a microbe wear?

3. What is a microbe's favorite comic strip?
Agar the horrible

4. How much does a microbe spot weigh?
One Gram stain

5. One Microbiologist asks another: "Are you going to determine the aerotolerance of these organisms?"
"I'll take a stab at it."

6. What do really tall microbe join if they are really good at basketball?

7. What do pink/yellow salt fermenting bacteria go to Florida to swim with?
The Mannitols

8. What keeps bacteria regular?

9. What is the favorite bacteria of fish?

10. how do bacteria tile their roofs?
With Salmonella shingellas

11. How are most microbes like vampires?
They thrive on blood (sheep's blood agar)

12. What do thioglycolates and the New York power grids have in common?
They both often experience black outs

13. How is a bacterial party like an agglutination reaction?
both are bacterial get togethers

14. How is shooting a gun like a corporation like a bacterial test?
They all have Ames

15. What do you call the train bacteria ride that takes them across country?

16. What do you call immune before and after pictures?

17. Why do microbiologists so often lack a sense of humor?
Because microbiology is cereus business

18. Spare the rod spoil the Bascilus?

19. What bacterial church can you find in the vatican?
The Bascilusca

20. What is the favorite means of communication amoung microbiologists?
The Cell Phone.

21. What can you find in a calf-eteria?
Vaca-teria (Vaca is Spanish for cow)

22. What is the opposite of bacteria?

23. What should bacteria get when they turn 50?
A colony-oscopy

24. What do you call a book written by Orson Scott Card about bacteria?
Endospore's Game

25. Why do bacteria use a mapogen and a compassogen?
To find the pathogen

26. What do you call a bacteria that doesn't like enclosed spaces?
a closteridiumophobic

27. Who is a famous martial artist bacteria?
Brucella Lee

28. Name a punk rock microbe?
Gogol Bordetella (Gogol Bordello is the band, Bordetella is a microbe)

29. What is a favorite computer game among bacteria?

30. Who is a microbe's favorite artist?
M.C. Eschericia

31. What do you call a microbe with clout?

32. Where do the Desperate House Microbes live?
Listeria Lane

33. Here today gonorrhoeae tomorrow

34. What do you call a tough decision for bacteria?
An either aureus question

35. What do you call bacterial primnary elections?

36. What does a mother bacteria say when her son is acting strange?
Aw its just a phage

37. What is a bacteria's favorite cartoon show about warrior tortises?
Teenage mutans Ninja Turtles

38. What bacterial book did Voltaire write?

39. How do you color cows?
With a cattle-ase test

40. What do you call a cell with no internal organelles that sings?

41. Alternative definition: Microbiology Lab Aid
agar management

42. What does the business world call the edge of a bacterial colony?
Profit margins

43. What do you call the stuff all over the lab benches?
Counter stain

44. Why is microbiology such a dangerous sport?
There is a lot of violets It can also stain a reputation

45. If you take the CT out of a citrate test, is it an irate test?

46. How is a football runing back like dental microbiology?
They are both concerned with number of caries

47. What do you get if you cross high level calculus with microbiology?
Ordinary differential stains

48. What do you often find on crates of breakable microbes?

49. What type of bacteria is sold in adult only shops?

50. What was the Crocodile Hunter's favorite microbe?
Steve Erwinia

51. Jimmy please use the word Euglena in a sentence.
Eu made a mess, Euglena clean it up?

52. does a red blood cell ever feel that the wall are just concaving in on it?

53. I got a parasite, but I think it was just a fluke.

54. what type of parasite is most commonly found in whale flippers?

55. What is a paracite's favorite Star Wars character?
Fluke Skywalker

56. Why did the bacteria look simply glowing?
It was covered in fluorescein

57. Why is a Gram positive bacteria grown on EMB like a martyr?
It dyes for our eosins

58. What is an electron microscopes favorite Tom Cruise movie?
Tranmission impossible

59. Do Amoeba ever break up on dates?

60. Which organism is a favorite among track stars?
giardia--It gives you the runs

61. How do flatworms freshen their breathe?
With helminths

62. What does a flatworm put on to keep its head safe in a crash?
A helminth

63. What does a bacteria call it when a sheep clumps?

64. How is a bumble bee like someone with Human Immunodeficiency Virus?
They both have HIVs

65. How is a microbiolgy test like a biased politician?
they both have slants

66. Do bacteria carry their hydrolysis in a brief-casein

67. Are robber bacteria casin the joint?

68. Does Borrelia burgdorferi have a tequilla with its Lyme?

69. Where do Roman microbes fight?
The E. Coli-seum

70. Every ten years bacteriologist count populations--its a Serratia mar-census

71. If energy goes into the Entner pathway does it leave through the exitner pathway

72. What do you get if you mix geology with microbiology?

73. What field do most people with a microbiology degree go into?
Light field microscopy

74. If there is a mannitol to be fair is there a womannitol?

75. Jimmy please use mannitol in a sentence.
I built a tank needing 130 people to run it, but I couldn't mannitol.

76. If you cross a mink with a weasel do you get measles?

77. During the microbe riot there was lots of luteusing

78. How are alcoholic drinks like microbe drug tests?
Both should be used at the Minimum Inhibition Concentration

79. How is a microbiology culture isolation test similar to a homeless man's eating surface?
one is a pour plate the other is a poor plate.

80. What do you get if you cross a university in Pennsylvania with a very effective antibiotic?
Pennicillium State

81. What do you call an eclusive septum swam of a 1930s mysterious comic book character?
Only the Shadow's Nose

82. What do you call the passing fashions of electron transporter molecules?

83. The dentist earned an award an was presented a plaque.

84. What type of car does a protozoan drive?
A Giardia lamblia-ghini

85. Which protozoan stars in Mission Impossible?
Tom Trympanosoma cruzi

86. Which bacteria plays Captian Jean Luc Picard?
Patrick Provendcia stuartii

87. Which bacteria is the red herring villan in Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code?
Father aeruginosa

88. What do you call it if you spread a sports stars winning record across agar?
A winning streak

89. Are rabbit babies rabies?

90. Which parasite was written about by J.R.R. Tolkein?
The One ringworm

91. Alternative definition: Selective Media
Fox News

92. What replaced the tapeworm?
the CDworm

93. What do you call a parasite that detects vibrations?

94. Jimmy, please use the word Urease in a sentence?
How do you tell who is faster, urease.

95. What do you call a horse in water?
A wet mount

96. What is the motto of slow fungus?
Last but not yeast

97. Which fungus plays Rocky?
Slyvester stolonifer

98. Where do bacteria keep their money?
In a bank-omyacin

99. How do fungus listen to loud music?
On an ampicillin-afier (On an amplifier)

100. What keep Noah the dry?
His arc-haea

101. After reading these jokes what are you?
Well cultured

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