But first this guy.
101 Holiday Puns
(Ever notice the correlation between 101 and lol ?)
1 What is a the favorite vietnamese Nintendo game played during december?
2. Are Jewish Christmases a Minorah-ty? (Sorry!)
3. Is being cut off from all Hallow's eve being halloweaned?
4. What is the favorite holiday of bars and pubs?
The fifth of July
5. What do you call a December 25 fog?
6. What is a popular board game around the holidays?
Its a Wonderful LIFE.
7. What is a time-travelers favorite season?
Christmas, because of all the present that is there
8. What do you eat with firemilk during the fourth of July?
9. Who does Adam go with to the year end party?
New Year's Eve
10. How do holiday mascots go to sleep?
Ala the Santa man
11. Which actress is popular with Christmas trees?
12. What does a golfer do at Christamas?
Puts up a Christmas Tee
13. Do fast paced song artists rap their gifts?
14. Does an archery director wrap his/her gift with a bow?
15. How do you lift a frozen car?
With a Jack Frost
16. How does santa work in his garden?
With his ho-ho-ho
17. Why is santa like three statisticians?
He has three separate Ho:s
18. What do military personnel of an African persuasion celebrate in?
A Kawansa hut
19. What do you call a house that is being shot at?
A Hunted house
20. What do coyotes put out for halloween?
21. What is the favorite holiday of Pfizer?
22. Which day is a day of firsts?
23. What holiday always comes late?
24. I couldn't celebrate fat tuesday, I had to mow the gras.
25. What is a day of hoe-downs?
January 15 is National cat herder's day
Jan 2 is New year's for cats.
Jan 3 is tolkeins birthday.
26. If you were born on April 20, 1970 would you be celebrating your B-Earth-day?
27. Which day gets the most waves?
Mar 18 is Awkward moments day and snowman burning day and Grover Cleaveland's Birthday
28. April 15 is a very taxing day
29. Do boats celebrate birth days?
30. What do hamburgers celebrate on the 17th of March?
St. Paddies Day
31. Does a Jewish garden have a Rosh bush?
32. What do you call a holiday for the relatives of butterflies?
33. HIJKMNO = Christmas--No L
34. Happy Horse/ beast of burden Equine-ox
35. Why is the Month after Black history month in Washington DC important?
It celebrates the March on Washington
36. How is Elvis like Martin Luther?
Both are the King
37. Which old time actor is popular around Christmas?
38. Which April holiday is popular with chemists?
39. What do you call Jewish fish?
40. What holiday does Miracle whip sponser?
Cinco de Mayo
41. What holiday does Home Depot sponser?
Sink-o de Mayo
42. Which mascot is the hardest to spell?
Punxsutawney--Incidently he too is bad with jokes
43. Which day is feared by pigs?
44. What is an affalatus on jan 6 called?
45. Epiphany--Bless you
46. Which holiday mascot has the least spare change?
47. Which bell ringing army is constantly drooling?
The Salivation Army
48. If someone gets a cell phone for Christmas have they been blessed with the gift of gab?
49. This Christmas take an umbrella their might be reindeer (and their droppings).
50. Which Christmas song is sung in the tropics?
51. If they hold a pie eating contest this holiday season, which song will they sing?
Oh, Come all ye facefuls.
52. How is a planetarium presentation like a rednosed ungulate?
Both are reindeerers
53. Rudolph robbed a bank--the teller was reindeered helpless.
54. What is the favorite Christmas song aboard a ship?
Deck the Halls
55. What did the gift recipient say after dropping her new china mug?
I saw three chips I saw three Chips
56. Of course Grandmasters bragging about thier wins in a hotel lobbey is chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
57. Chip and Dale got caught in a wildfire. Disney compsed a song about it. It starts something like this: Chipmunks roasting in an open fire...
58. Why did they couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
So they could have a married Christmas
59. Merry Christ-moose.
60. Or if you are in a salon Merry Christ-mousse
61. There was another animal in the fire that got Chip and Dale. they are now whishing everyone a merry Crisp moose
62. What is the name of Mrs. Burnett's latest holiday show?
A Christmas Carrol
63. They played an Orphan play by Dickens to celebrate Christmas.
Aparently it had a Twist ending
64. What is a popular Jewish book on winter relationships?
Wemon are from Venus Minorah from Mars.
October 30 is Haunted Refrigerator day
65. On October 31 if you bang on anything it will ring, it is after all all Hollows day.
66. What is the holiest of Islamic soups?
67. Jewish holidays that don't stand up for themselves are a real passover (sorry!)
68. A Jewish holiday took a break it is on a shavotical
69. On the 5 of November is Roy Rodgers birthday.
Beware people tend to be Trigger happy
70. What day is popular among small female ruddy canines?
Guy Fawkes day
71. Which day is popular at retirement homes?
72. What does an oriental seasoning sauce wish to the world?
Soy to the world
73. What is a middle executives favorite Christmas song?
Away in a manager
74. What is a dog's favorite carol?
Bark! The harald Angels Sing
75. What is a pirates favorite Christmas song?
We three kings of orient ARRRGH!
76. What is the favorite carol of prison gaurds?
Guard arrest these merry Gentlemen
77. Which Christmas song got in a fight?
Deck the halls
78. Subordinate clause, Insubordinate clause, verb clause , noun clause, Santa claus.
79. A cat goes to the beach it get sady claws.
80. Aliens celebrate fat Tuesday.
They call it martin Gras
81. If someone gets killed on Fat Tuesday, is it a Coup de Gras?
82. Which Baha'i holiday is really a type of gum?
83. Which day of the year is a military order/
84. What does the mathematician exclaim on March 14th?
Piday at My House!
85. Alternative definition: Festivity
What that sore on the back of your neck is.
86. Which holiday has the most warfare?
87. Why is easter the best holiday?
because it is Eggcellant and quite eggstraordinary
88. What do you call a pervert in an easter candy factory?
A Peep-ing Tom
89. What do you call an Easter accessory shelf?
A basket case
90. How is a dental cleaning like the fourth of July?
They both involve sparklers
91. What do you get if you cross a house with a harald angel?
Hearth the harald angel sings.
92. What happens if santa is lactose intolerant?
93. How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?
You take the yule log
94. What is a monkey's favorite holiday?
95-103. The real reindeer names:
Pincher, Pantser, prankster, vomit, stupid, dummer, quicksand, blitzkreig
Sorry I'm a cynic.
And just for later:
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love aimed at me
Twelve druglords dealing,
Eleven pipetters piping,
Ten hords a-srceeching,
Nine blades a slashing,
Eight maces a-macing,
Seven guns a-shooting,
Six needles a stabing,
Five Navel rings,
Four calling cards,
Three blasting caps,
Two hurtful shoves,
And a Cartridge filled with BB!
Caution don't do any of this at home and don't let that last one ruin your Christmas, I'm not really that mean I promise.