Friday, October 26, 2007

Traffic Part 1

So I only have about an hour we'll see how far I can get with the traffic puns, more to come shortly. Time 12:12 10/26/07

101 Traffic Puns

1. What do Columbian drug lords get stuck in?
Drug traffic

2. What do you put on traffic bread?
Traffic jam

3. Where do cars go swimming?
The carpool

4. What do vehicles get after a long day at work?
Car pool tunnel syndrome

5. is Moscow trafffic the Czar Pool lane?

6. What is a vehicles favorite mathematical property?
The commuteative property

7. What form of government are most people caught in traffic?
They are commutists

8. What did the mountain men get stuck in?
Morning Trapic

9. What are the two main regions of world wide commuting?
The traffic of Cancer and the traffic of capricorn

10. Where does Count Dracula drive to?

11. What do road junkies need?
A traffix

12. What do dieting commuters drink?
A stop light

13. What is the opposite of a stop sign?
A stop cosign

14. Carl Marx once said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I think its under construction and paved with pot holes

15. Alternative definition: Pot Hole
Where a junky hides his stash

16. What is between a cars toes?
Traffic jam

17. What do car musicians get together to do?
A traffic jam session

18. What do you get on the Serengheti?
A giraffic jam

19. How do you silence a traffic jam?
With a com-mute

20. One way two way freeway

21. Whe the freeway nearly had a heart attack what did the doctors do?
They gave him a bypass

22. When is a car not a car when it turns into a drive way

23. Only in America do we drive on parkways and park on driveways

24. What is the favorite postition in a restaurant for UTA?
The bus boy

25. Why do people avoid taking mass transit?
To avoid the hustle and Bus-tle

26. How do catholics get to church?
they take mass transit

27. How do astronomers get to work?
They take the transit system

28. What do you call it if Iron takes the bus?
A transit-ional metal

29. What is a chemists favorite traffic sign?
The % Yield

30. And now for the biggest joke out there: Driver's ed

31. Do SCUBA professionals have to take Diver's ed

32. Aren't all high school and college students, student drivers

33. How do police officers keep the city parking stalls so clean?
They have highered a meter maid

34/35. Other traffic jokes:
Down town parking
And men at work

36. Where does Supperman live?
The intersections of Lois and lana Lanes

37. What do you call free will in traffic?
A moving volition

38. What is the favorite part of a car for D&D clerics?
The turning signal

39. If flashers mean your car is in distress, does that mean a turn signal suggests half of your car is in distress?

40. What is the best Steiner story about traffic and precious metals?
the Roads gold mine

41. How are golfers like commuters?
They are both good drivers, except in UTah

42. How did the traffic engineer finally, after much deliberation get through the intersection?
He went about it in a roundabout maner

43. Is one train times the train track sin theta a train track crossing?

44. If police officers are the order of the shield are their cars the order fo the windshield?

45. WHat is the favorite clothing article of police officers?
The pull over

46. Who are law enforcement's favorite band?
the police

47. What do unclean officers have in their hair?

48. Wha tis a policemans favorite chemical element?

49. What type of construction is going on to get rid of invasive plants?
Woad work

50. More big jokes of the driven world:
Gas prices

51. Alternative definition:
2 limb amputee
What you will be after paying for said gas prices

52. Are gas station attendents Not tgas pumps, but gas pimps?

53. What do you call a high heeled gas station?
A gas pump

54. How do snails get fuel?
From a gastropod pump

55 how do somaches get feul?
From a gastrointestinal pump

56. WHa tis the favorite name for a gastion attendent?

57. What do you calll te talk radio people listen to while in traffic?

58. Who has more incedents of road rage than anyone else?
Dr. Kavorkian--he is good at cutting people off

59. Have your heard about UTA's new mass transit train?
Ah its just a front

60. But at least they are up front about it.

61. How is a rude and insulting client of a maseuse like a car peel out?
One is burnt rubber the other is a burned rubber

62. If you go really high really fast in a plane and suddenly find a place to park, is it a parking stall

63. Alternative definition:
What you call the cars at a mall parking lot

64. Where do you keep your dogs?
in a barking lot

65, Alternative definition:
what you call a peppermint in a parking lot

66. In China do they have Peking lots

67. Where do good golfers keep their carts?
In a par-king lot

68. Who do shoppers reviere?
The Par-king

69. What is the favorite measure of a white or yellow equally space road marking?
Just a dash

70. Do tranformers turn in for the night?

71. What do you call a heavy commute?

72. What do you call variable commuting?

73. If you lift a truck, is it a pickup truck

74. What do much of the NAvy drive?

75. What is the favorite country of cars?
the Sedan

76. What do you call acar that doesn't move?
a commuter

77. What else do you call a car that doesn't move?
A stationary wagon

78. How do we see traffic?
With traffic cones

79. WHat type of traffic do you find in a commodities market?
A interchange

80. WHere do people traffic toilets?
In a commode-ities market

ok I have Chem now. Time 12:50 = 38 minutes rate 2.105 puns per minute. That's not too bad. I gotta go more puns to be posted later.

Part the second Time 4:27pm 10/29/07

81. What do you call someone exploring the fullness of the idea of gender while on a bus?
A mass transitvestite

82. What are teh only things constant in New York?
Death and Taxis

83. Where do you find stuffed cabs?
At a taxi-dermist

84. What do you call a statue of the founder of UTA?
A Bus-t

85. What is are the only things constant within Utah's transportation administration?
Death and Traxes

86. What is the favorite restaurant of mass commuters?

87. If you drive to work on a Mac is it a laptop commuter?

88. How do heart surgeons get to work?
They take the bypass

89. WHat do you call a spooky cargo carrier?
A fright train

90. Where do cabbose operators practice?
On a training ground

91. If all planes are grounded again, will our flies be undone?

92. If sending something by ship is shipping and sending something by truck is trucking is sending something by train training?

93. How do cars play billiards?
On a carpool table

94. What is an elephant's favorite part of a car?
The stick shift (and you thought I was going to say the trunk)

95. How do you keep your cars safe?
With a gridlock

96. What do you call a red traffic jam?
Rouge hour

97. Who is a famous Republican traffic talk show host (Not the transvestite pagan pharmacist Jane Austen Loving kind, the other kind)?
Rush hour Limbaugh

98. What do you call a between state sleeping pill?
An intersedate

99. Is biking opiates pedaling drugs?

100. Where do you go to buy followers?
The stocker and bondage market

101. A sane and peaceful commute

time 4:44:44 oh yeah! 17 minutes + 38 = 55 minutes/ 101 traffic puns 1.8 puns/minute.


Ki said...

I am deeply impressed. Some actually made me laugh (verses a smile/groan). 33, 45, and I think 59.

I think I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure out themes you couldn't do 101 puns about.

Hey! I know! AIDS! You'd be killed by the bereaved before you could finish.

And don't do that one. I'll think of something less inflammatory...

Boom said...

I could make videos on UTUBE and have every one I know email them to other people, butt I think I will do something a little less viral.