So I only have about an hour we'll see how far I can get with the traffic puns, more to come shortly. Time 12:12 10/26/07
101 Traffic Puns
1. What do Columbian drug lords get stuck in?
2. What do you put on traffic bread?
3. Where do cars go swimming?
4. What do vehicles get after a long day at work?
Car pool tunnel syndrome
5. is Moscow trafffic the Czar Pool lane?
6. What is a vehicles favorite mathematical property?
The commuteative property
7. What form of government are most people caught in traffic?
They are commutists
8. What did the mountain men get stuck in?
9. What are the two main regions of world wide commuting?
The traffic of Cancer and the traffic of capricorn
10. Where does Count Dracula drive to?
11. What do road junkies need?
12. What do dieting commuters drink?
A stop light
13. What is the opposite of a stop sign?
A stop cosign
14. Carl Marx once said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I think its under construction and paved with pot holes
15. Alternative definition: Pot Hole
Where a junky hides his stash
16. What is between a cars toes?
17. What do car musicians get together to do?
A traffic jam session
18. What do you get on the Serengheti?
A giraffic jam
19. How do you silence a traffic jam?
With a com-mute
20. One way two way freeway
21. Whe the freeway nearly had a heart attack what did the doctors do?
They gave him a bypass
22. When is a car not a car when it turns into a drive way
23. Only in America do we drive on parkways and park on driveways
24. What is the favorite postition in a restaurant for UTA?
The bus boy
25. Why do people avoid taking mass transit?
To avoid the hustle and Bus-tle
26. How do catholics get to church?
they take mass transit
27. How do astronomers get to work?
They take the transit system
28. What do you call it if Iron takes the bus?
A transit-ional metal
29. What is a chemists favorite traffic sign?
The % Yield
30. And now for the biggest joke out there: Driver's ed
31. Do SCUBA professionals have to take Diver's ed
32. Aren't all high school and college students, student drivers
33. How do police officers keep the city parking stalls so clean?
They have highered a meter maid
34/35. Other traffic jokes:
Down town parking
And men at work
36. Where does Supperman live?
The intersections of Lois and lana Lanes
37. What do you call free will in traffic?
A moving volition
38. What is the favorite part of a car for D&D clerics?
The turning signal
39. If flashers mean your car is in distress, does that mean a turn signal suggests half of your car is in distress?
40. What is the best Steiner story about traffic and precious metals?
the Roads gold mine
41. How are golfers like commuters?
They are both good drivers, except in UTah
42. How did the traffic engineer finally, after much deliberation get through the intersection?
He went about it in a roundabout maner
43. Is one train times the train track sin theta a train track crossing?
44. If police officers are the order of the shield are their cars the order fo the windshield?
45. WHat is the favorite clothing article of police officers?
The pull over
46. Who are law enforcement's favorite band?
47. What do unclean officers have in their hair?
48. Wha tis a policemans favorite chemical element?
49. What type of construction is going on to get rid of invasive plants?
50. More big jokes of the driven world:
51. Alternative definition:
2 limb amputee
What you will be after paying for said gas prices
52. Are gas station attendents Not tgas pumps, but gas pimps?
53. What do you call a high heeled gas station?
A gas pump
54. How do snails get fuel?
From a gastropod pump
55 how do somaches get feul?
From a gastrointestinal pump
56. WHa tis the favorite name for a gastion attendent?
57. What do you calll te talk radio people listen to while in traffic?
58. Who has more incedents of road rage than anyone else?
Dr. Kavorkian--he is good at cutting people off
59. Have your heard about UTA's new mass transit train?
Ah its just a front
60. But at least they are up front about it.
61. How is a rude and insulting client of a maseuse like a car peel out?
One is burnt rubber the other is a burned rubber
62. If you go really high really fast in a plane and suddenly find a place to park, is it a parking stall
63. Alternative definition:
What you call the cars at a mall parking lot
64. Where do you keep your dogs?
in a barking lot
65, Alternative definition:
what you call a peppermint in a parking lot
66. In China do they have Peking lots
67. Where do good golfers keep their carts?
In a par-king lot
68. Who do shoppers reviere?
69. What is the favorite measure of a white or yellow equally space road marking?
Just a dash
70. Do tranformers turn in for the night?
71. What do you call a heavy commute?
72. What do you call variable commuting?
73. If you lift a truck, is it a pickup truck
74. What do much of the NAvy drive?
75. What is the favorite country of cars?
76. What do you call acar that doesn't move?
77. What else do you call a car that doesn't move?
A stationary wagon
78. How do we see traffic?
With traffic cones
79. WHat type of traffic do you find in a commodities market?
80. WHere do people traffic toilets?
In a commode-ities market
ok I have Chem now. Time 12:50 = 38 minutes rate 2.105 puns per minute. That's not too bad. I gotta go more puns to be posted later.
Part the second Time 4:27pm 10/29/07
81. What do you call someone exploring the fullness of the idea of gender while on a bus?
A mass transitvestite
82. What are teh only things constant in New York?
Death and Taxis
83. Where do you find stuffed cabs?
At a taxi-dermist
84. What do you call a statue of the founder of UTA?
85. What is are the only things constant within Utah's transportation administration?
Death and Traxes
86. What is the favorite restaurant of mass commuters?
87. If you drive to work on a Mac is it a laptop commuter?
88. How do heart surgeons get to work?
They take the bypass
89. WHat do you call a spooky cargo carrier?
A fright train
90. Where do cabbose operators practice?
On a training ground
91. If all planes are grounded again, will our flies be undone?
92. If sending something by ship is shipping and sending something by truck is trucking is sending something by train training?
93. How do cars play billiards?
On a carpool table
94. What is an elephant's favorite part of a car?
The stick shift (and you thought I was going to say the trunk)
95. How do you keep your cars safe?
With a gridlock
96. What do you call a red traffic jam?
97. Who is a famous Republican traffic talk show host (Not the transvestite pagan pharmacist Jane Austen Loving kind, the other kind)?
Rush hour Limbaugh
98. What do you call a between state sleeping pill?
99. Is biking opiates pedaling drugs?
100. Where do you go to buy followers?
The stocker and bondage market
101. A sane and peaceful commute
time 4:44:44 oh yeah! 17 minutes + 38 = 55 minutes/ 101 traffic puns 1.8 puns/minute.