A few Hundred Skeletons in the Closet

I'm not dead yet!
Wanna bet.
Here's the game palyed.
Against an army of undead, battle arrayed.
After the bounty at Luck's den.
We returned hastily to the barkeeps daughter afore she met her end.
She was to be sacrificed in a horrid rite
At the witching hour in the night.
We got there,
With zero time to spare.
The maiden's bodice was about to be ripped bare
Surrounded by undead she had quite the scare.
The master necromance'
Was about to end fair Elishia's life's dance.
The unerring archer Allais Bedovar
Concealed himself in the cornar.
The gnome,
He went home.
Silent Suzy,
Went off feeling Woozy.
The druid and wolf that inspires fear.
They left and were out of here.
Our forces were bereft.
Dewey, Fitch, Bedovar
And the sturdy dwarf Ulfgar
Were all that were left.
Amid an undead sea
Bodyless bodies were all that we could see
But it was the ranger who shot first.
For the Necromancer's blood his bolts did thirst.
Straight and true
Evil's blood the arrow drew.
Deep into the 'mancers spine.
Those shots stopped the plot of his wicked mind.
Unerring the targets did find.
Now the maiden we had to unbind.
But between us and her
was an undead blur.
Dewey with his axe
began his hacks.
So did the lad who was stocky.
He bashed so many he got cocky.
As for I
My cloak I did try.
In an instant I vanished from the plane material
into the realm etherial.
In the screams of the dead I was drownt
Here lay more souls than I could count.
No more did the souls bleed,
But for me to give them rest they did plead.
Through the throngs I waded.
I was to save the one who waited.
Instantly reappeared did I
From Elishia's lips a terror stricken cry did fly.
It was then the undead attack,
Imbedded itself deep within my back.
Pick the locks
Their blows I could not blocks.
The thrashings I took,
Such that fair Elishia would be off the hook.
I was weak, but she was free,
Thanks to the bloody back of me.
Into the world of the dead.
We escaped this one and fled.
Into tears she broke,
Whilst staying tightly wrapped in my cloak.
Through the mass
Silently we did pass.
The room of fear
We sought to clear.
We were done,
We left Dewey and dorf have their fun.
But when the last of the of death's minions was no more,
It was then we saw the door.
From it came,
A sight that gave faint unto the dame.
It was a fetid nightmare
that gave her and us such a scare.
In utter pain I was wracked,
Still I drew Isenghast and attacked.
Behind the beast I tracked.
Into his back I sneak attacked.
Off his wicked hoof with my sword I shore,
In a crumpled heap the monster hit the floor.
But raised he again upon his thighs.
Snapped at us he caught us by surprize.
Lest our faces he should maul
Our backsides we did haul.
It was off to safety
to where we did flee.
With the barkeeps daughter we did leave.
We didn't run, of the battle we just took a reprieve.
Upon the maiden's request,
We weary adventurers took a rest.
But finished with that fersome beast,
We were not, not in the least.
Did we slay
The unholy terror on that day,
Or was there a feast,
Upon us by the beast?
I had already died once before?
Will Fitch see Death once more?
Come again
To find what did happen with that demon.
Of more I know you itch?
But read you here again to find out what became Fitch.

Nuclear Fitch-ion

After all the monster in Luck's house of fun,
Were beaten battered and done.
Went we back through for the hidden clues to mine.
In every room we scoured til trinkets we did find.
They were strange and not quite what we were hopen:
A book that would not open.
The afore mentioned pedal.
A statue of forlorn lovers made of metal.
A matrix of only rows.
A story of no financial woes.
A figure looking ready to fight
It was none other than a minature black knight.
And finally a thorn and stem.
Our task was to put it together and figure out what united them.
Entered we the final room.
Get it right or certain doom.
Solve the riddle on our first try,
or face death himself and die.
All around the room were vials of poison.
But between them, every object you could imagine.
Get the riddle right
And we would leave the room that night.
But if we were wrong.
We would be gone.
All the evidence was plainly there
But we had to select with extreme care.
When it comes to solving riddles I am great.
But how could I unite all of the above eight?
Get it wrong and I am dead.
Ah ha, a book that cannot be read.
The pedal, stem and thorn that comes from a flower.
Black as knight is the key for the figure of power.
No financial woes is a finance all in black.
Flowers no lovers ever will lack.
And a matrix with naught but rows.
To the black rose I goes.
Luck is full of quirks,
But I pulled the flower, and found a key that works.
Thanks to a mind that was deft.
Luck's room of horrors we calmly left.
Since we were the first,
To make it through Luck's worst,
Since we had showed such prowess and such skill.
Luck gave to us what we would will.
I am a rogue, a man born and bred of the sneak attack.
This is hard to do for things with organs and a back lack.
A book filled with ways of striking a fatal blow home.
The material properties tome.
From this book I did learn.
All the secrets I did yearn.
Whether foe be alive or nay,
This book show the sneak attacking way.
The proper blow to proper spot.
And with luck, one successful sneak attack you have got.
All of these were gifts we didn't have to give back.
But I also picked up a Heward's handy haversack.
Dewey wouldn't leave til he'd mastered greater cleave.
Also got Dewey, a potion that would make him more potent than even great Hector.
Through Dewey now coarsed immortal nectar.
Dewey could still be killed,
But that feat was made much harder now that each turn Dewey 10 points would be healed.
Armed we now
With greater gear and a better know how,
We set about to fulfill our vow.
Found out we, that while in the den of luck.
Time that night was stuck.
Frantic were we about how we could save the barkeeps lil' lass
But shocked were we when we found that in the domain of Luck, time does not pass.
So come ye again before the nest spin of this great worl'.
To see if we saved that endangered girl.
Read ye more about the where's and the how,
But just not right now.

The story of the gnome's stick

So when last we'd met
We heard of the druid with wolfy pet.
In those carnivals
Within those castle walls,
More fiends and foes we had to best.
Scores of undead who never rest.
With an undead Troll
we did stroll.
One who just won't die, finally did.
At the site of his armor we almost hid.
But we were fighters and had some class.
We burned his bones, and kicked his... glass.
For this I should tell of this undead trollish guy.
He was so vain, he had a glass eye.
And so when said troll was bagged.
In my bag his eye I dragged.
When behind the next door we heard a rustle,
Into a fight with a troop of undead nymphs we did trustle.
Undead nyphms aren't real cute.
Especially when their rotting flesh makes you want to puke.
In their ability for scandalous seductions.
There was noticable reductions.
With quite a few more oddities we did clash.
Myself, our clan, and Dewey hackenbash.
But the best of all, the legend that will be retold as we grow older
was how I Fitch glued the gnome to the beholder.
A beast once know for its fearsome glares
And angry deathly stares.
Now undead.
Were it not trying to kill us it would have been our friend.
But as it was trying to kill us all.
Him a friend i would not call.
In life he was known for his death rays.
Stun you, kill you, and amaze.
But not reduced to bites,
was how this beholder fights.
Tried to chew upon us.
Wanted he us for our guts.
Tried we to jab
stab,
and shoot.
But he did twist, bob, real, dive and swoop.
So a lift by magic I did use.
Tossed a tanglefoot bag and covered the brute in glues.
Now this I did not know,
When the bag I went to throw.
The gnome was hidden behind.
Aw well being glued to the side of the beholder I don't think the gnome will mind.
A sandcastle the gnome made of me besides,
So I glued him to the beholders sides.
Now both were stuck.
The beholder couldn't weave and was easily struck.
But now the gnome was stuck amid the muck.
And when we'd swing,
he tried to sing.
But being glued,
he gave a performance to which we booed.
How he almost died as we did jab.
We almost sent him to the anatomists slab.
But it was the gnome's stick
That allowed us to finish the beholder quick.
Oh and this I should tell.
Of what in each room befell.
In each room we found clues,
but solving them gave us the blues
But listen again all of yous
For I will tell more I promise trues.
But for now I must go.
Read again later for the rest of the show.

Create a Connection

1. What is your favorite word?

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconiosis is a good one. It means having very fine silica particulate in your lungs. Its also known as coal miner's disease. Floccinoccinihilipilification meaning to make nothing is also a fine specimen. Two very useful words are Spiffy and Indeed. They find use in quite a few spiffy situations indeed!

2. What is your least favorite word?

The f word that ends in a k, and I don't mean flying duck, Firetruck, or the four letter version ending in a k of fork, is a pretty bad one, especially when over used i.e. at all. But I can forgive the person who uses the F daddy as simply uncouth and trying to shock people with its use. The word I despise above all others is "Deserve." What you don't feel you deserve your fate in life, like Christ deserved to be nailed to a cross and die for you? People in Africa deserve to die of starvation while we in America are so fat we now have to take up two seats on an airplane? So because you worked hard, good for you, you now deserve XYand Z while the millions of people who work their entire lives day in and day out deserve to be paid the lowest possible pittance for a wage? The world deserves HIV, cancer and any other horrible disease? Sorry folks, but even though I think that ultimately life IS fair in the long run. I don't think its based on a system that rewards you for what you deserve, so people, PLEASE stop using it.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

For that I turn to the world's great books and my amazing friends. They never cease to amaze me.

4. What turns you off?

Not knowing is one thing. Not thinking/ not caring THAT kills me.

5. What is your favorite curse word?

Frigning ne Whoo Ha! Its a fun word, you should try it some time. Very cathartic.

6. What sound or noise do you love?

Clarinets, swing bands, good classical music. Massive rain storms, thunder.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?

Chalk boards check. Television check, especially when their is NOTHING ON, which if you read one of my previous posts ( Wednesday, January 10, 2007) you will realize I think this condition is met quite frequently.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Teacher, Scientist, Polar explorer, Author, stand up comedian, coast guard, NOAA officer, marine biologist, astronomer... ah can't I just do them all. The aptitude test I took in high school said I would be good at all of them, so why can't I just do all of them?

9. What profession would you not like to do?

I don't really want to work in business, stuck in a cubicle told what to think and do day after day. Creativity connection to the world severed burned and destroyed. I don't want to be a yes man working 9-5. I don't want to be like everyone else. And I don't want to be an accountant. Bleah. No offense to either two of you out there who actually do want this, that's your dream, not mine.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

So have you heard the one about ...

Gone Fitching

Far away
we were wisked that day.
The citadel of luck's land
Was an adventure long he had planned.
In a room were we,
surrounded by levers three.
"Pull them all,
take a fall.
From under you the floor drops,
Gasp for breath and your heart stops.
Pull one
have some fun
Pull two
You won't know what to do.
Pull them in the wrong order
and You will face an undead beholder.
Pull them right,
and you will still fight.
But, with new found friends
you will meet your ends."
So we pulled one
to see what was done.
Oh No alas, we Blue it,
ah, but fear not for it was but a friendly druid.
A druid with wolf in tow,
followed him everywhere he would go.
Our blades were ready they were set,
but it turned out to be one Dewey had already met.
Before we pulled the next thing,
Dewey and Herr Druidy gosiped in that mechanical hall.
Reminded of the time when last they met, the druid smacked face first into a wall.
A fersome and ferrousious beast they fought.
Their ends he sought.
The wolf slipped and slid.
The druid would have been better if he had hid.
First the wolf fell flat,
Then Druid Drogon tripped an thudded with a splat.
If that weren't bad enough a third landed upon them after all that.
They laughed and guffawed,
They chuckled, they hemmed and they hawed.
And when their fine memories began to grow dull,
they gave the lever one more pull.
Who or what was it in front of me,
A roughish band I did see.
Beastly Orks,
Armed and bristling with pitchforks.
But alas they were far to few,
Dewey, the ranger, druid, dorf, gnome and me, we pitched them all without much ado.
Pulled it again,
saw the world spin.
Again and again,
each time the room did spin.
But when all was told,
Our numbers now grew 2 or three fold.
Now amid our midsts
We boasted, ranger, druid, gnome, dwarf and sorceress.
Dewey and me.
And a sheep in wolf's cloth.
The furred terror, wouldn't hurt a moth.
Now that our fellowship was complete,
We had a demigogues fun house to beat.
Now we did not all get along together so well,
For some of us it was an adventure, and for some it was ... Just swell.
I don't know why they were mad at me, I am confused as to what exactly I did do?
All in the name of fun I held true.
While they were attentively listening arounds,
I cast a cantrip--Ghost sounds.
I was greatly amused,
But their looks said their egos were bruised.
So to make amends,
I used my cloak to good ends.
On the other side of the dook I did want to peak,
So opened it and went in I did sneak.
When I stepped inside,
I'm glad I had my cloak, for I wanted to hide.
Their was a pit in my tummy,
for what did I behold, none other than a TROOP of mummy.
So I snuk back out,
And we plotted our next bout.
We had a plan, it would work if we could do it just right.
Cover the mummies in Alchemist's fire, then with the help of a well placed fireball, We would make them feel light.
So again I opened the door,
donned the cloak and snuck along the floor.
When we had our positions just right,
we were now ready to fight.
Aft the juice I did pour,
Suzie the Silent, Greatest fire mage of lore,
Tossed she open the door,
WIth a well placed fireball, the mummies were no more.
A single hit,
That was it,
When once there were four
Mummies now no more.
Oh it was great pleasure,
to scratchlessly unearth such treasure.
But soon a box with riddle,
we now did fiddle.
A chest fitted with key,
Were it not for the lock
that did block,
That chest would have been too much for me.
But what was in side?
What was that strange thing we spied.
Not crafted of wood, stone or metal,
What we found was a bicycle pedal.
Surely this is out of place,
Amid the loot of the mummy race.
Of it we thought no more,
but finding its true purpose turned out to be quite the chore.
Ah but our strange journey is far from over,
Quite the contrary, it gets even bolder.
You'll have to tune in
for your jaw will be agape again.
Find out how, an eye socket makes a great holster,
and I'll tell you how the gnome got glued to the beholder.
But for of all this,
You'll just have to wait. For if I told you more, I would be remiss.
On the morrow, return to my story telling niche
and I will tell you more of the Rubiyitch of Jytan Fitch.

A Fitch in Time saves Nine

Listen by
As I tell you why.
Twixt the battles fought o'er the graves,
But before the girl Fitch has to save.
A victory of more undead was Fitch able to boast.
Fought he 'gainst that ghastly host.
A dragon is not one that is easy to kill.
But even rarer is the one that is Undead, sans any frills.
To the death they fought, just for thrills.
Mighty smashes of their tails give Fitch the spills
Not one but two were there,
there to give Fitch and friends quite a scare.
Their fiery breath was no more
So with their razor teeth they tore.
Long against these foes
Dewey, Fitch and the Dorf battered.
Against empty bones blow upon blow clattered.
Making no headway where they,
nearly died and became undead dragon prey.
While The three fellows whacked,
they did not realize that they had been tracked.
Followed were they, by the likes of a high elf.
A great Bowman who thought not of himself.
Allais Bedovar The Unerring.
Joined with us, for he saw our acts of great caring.
Fought with us for he saw our acts of great daring.
So strong of will was he, he could make men cower just by glaring.
Brougth with he, a gnomic Bard.
Though the bard a shortie be, ne'er hath I seen a man fought so hard.
With the addition of elven bow
The bard had naught seen such a glad trio.
Knocked, drew, WHOOSH! Two arrows flew.
Straight and deadly, their path was true.
We had thus nearly died,
but now we had the elf and gnome on our side.
For we were not done yet, for in these parts a great necromancer resides.
As though dragons were not enougha mummified king we had to fight besides.
With flames, and swords, arrows, axes and songs
We launched upon the king all night long.
Erst a while ago
I told you something that just now I did know.
The fact that I am a controller of magical power,
Of this I did learn, only within the last hour.
Right there afore my very eyes,
Much to mine and my friends utter surprize,
A bag that once held dyes,
above the ground it did rise.
Lifting it with my mind.
I realized I had just left ordinary behind.
Though maybe not to kill,
perhaps I could still use this useful skill.
Before the mummy could again attack,
I covered his head with a sack.
while we caught him unawares,
into him with our dirks we did tears.
Break out the marshmallows, for now the mummy was in flames
After that he never quite was the sames.
But, off the mask he tore.
Tossed mi bag to the floor.
For me his eyes spelled doom.
Smacked me so hard he send me across the room.
His rotting visage was filled with hate.
smacked me
so well did he
That briefly I did levitate
Until I hit the wall
Hazy was the rest, for after that I don't remember much at all.
After counteless blows from us adventury chaps,
we finally had that mummy under wraps.
But the news for me,
it wasn't good you see.
After that might thwop,
I had but minutes till I would drop.
For afflicted was I, with Mummy rot.
I had but 5 minutes till dust would I be here upon this spot.
It was really not in my plans
to be turned to sands.
I had my wand for making me invisible,
But Dewey had with him, something even more essential.
Gained in one of Dewey's earlier boughts of sport,
He picked up an amulet of teleport.
Gone in a flash,
he didn't even stop to loot the Mummies cash.
Off he went, ever so quick,
To go find a desk cleric.
A friend he had,
Hoped soon he could get to him, for me it was looking bad.
Oh how Dewey tried.
But on that day I actually died!
An Ego it definately hurts,
To be turned to various dirts.
The gnome wasn't swayed by the hastle.
He was quick to turn my ashes to a sand castle.
That day I suffered from Turrets syndrome.
I just wanted to be me again and go home.
But that day, fortune was with me,
For as you see
I would be lost if the slightest breeze blew.
But Dewey returned with a Cleric to do a resurection true.
From ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
Thanking the cleric was now a definate must.
I was dead. I had died.
Yet thanks to a cleric, I had survived.
He did not blame, he did not point fault.
All he asked was for me to find what was hidden in the king's vault.
That vault, much later I would explore.
I would make a discovery worthy of lore.
But the monsters we had to fight there were still more.
Well gaurded was this dungeon.
It was as though the necromancer created concoctions of creatures just for fun.
Before further I should go.
There is this you should know.
I noticed I now had an eerie gray glow.
The others noticed it also.
I discovered when I awoke,
I now had what appeared to be an etherial cloak.
Because I had died,
I was now blessed with a cloak from the other side.
Enrobbed in the garb of a ghost,
for 10 minutes I could turn etherial is now a feet I could boast.
The beloved priest,
I thanked him a thousand times at least.
He could not stay,
it had already been a long day.
He had to go.
It was again the Dewey, Dorf, Fitch and friends show.
Now at last the stage was set.
The girl we could finally get.
We would never have thought,
The strange thing that next befell our plot.
By a minor god we were next waylaid.
Into the hands of the God of luck, like chesspawns we played.
Before we could save the maiden like we sought.
Time temporarily did stop.
Through space and time we were suddenly hurled.
We were now in Luck's gambling world.
But what happened here,
was rather queer.
But later you will have to read,
To find how much more Fitch does bleed.
Read again,
To find how Fitch saves his skin.
Does Fitch give death another try?
Is the maiden saved or does she die?
So, tune in tomorrow,
Find out is it a tale of joy, or of sorrow.

Hearts Attack

http://web.mit.edu/tpp.11/www/pictures/heart.jpg

Does anyone else ever wonder how the above turned into the below?












http://www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/features/2003/02/valentine/images/hearts_270.gif

And how 1.) came to be symbolized in the middle of February by the below?


























http://www.virtualchocolate.com/images/v1114180.jpg

And how any of the above came to be associated with love?
Happy Dia de Los Cardiology.

101 Random Puns: The Sequel

1. What types of naps do kittens take?
Cat naps

2. What type of naps do two dimensional kittens take?
Flat naps

3. The Chemistry department is giving away neutrons.
They are free of charge. (But only after the rebate)

4. Garth Nix wrote a book about offspring of a lamp covering?
Its called Shade's Children

5. Why couldn't the wine keeper make any of his appointments?
He had pressing demands

6. If you didn't like the last joke I don't want to hear any wining.

7. is the person in charge of setting up chairs at a function the chairman?

8. Why was Ginger Rogers so ashamed?
She couldn't bear all of the awkward Astaires

9. Why did the possesed man go to the gym?
He wanted to have his Demons Excercised

10. What do you find in foam books?
Foam numbers

11. What do you get if you cross long wiggly bacteria that cause Lyme disease, with household avian pets, with a common packaging material?
Sytro-keets

12. What do you monastic apes?
Monk-eys

13. Where can you go to see interesting vegetables in captivity?
The Zoo-cchini

14. What did the boy portal of entry say to the girl port of entry?
I A-door you

15. What does a clock maker get on February 14?
Valen-times

16. Why would a knighted outer electron make a good security guard?
Because it is Sir Valence

17. What is a dog's favorite version of our national anthem?
The star Spaniel Banner

18. What is the favorite trash TV show for dogs?
Jerry Springer Spaniel

19. What is a tortise's favorite pasta?
Turtle-ini

20. What do you call it when you are in an argument with a Russian Legend?
Disputin

21. What do you call a storage fascility for people who make cake mix?
A battered womens shelter.

22. Why is writing jokes about confectionry so easy?
Its a piece of cake

23. What do you call these jokes?
Half baked

24. Alternative definition: Baked Alaska
See Global Warming.

25. What do you get if you cover a girl scout in fudge?
A brownie

26. If you put computer tracking devices in the GSA are they Girl Scout Cookies?

27. What do you call the study of A Yellow Wood?
Frosting

28. Alternative definition: Cooking
Panhandling

29. Alternative definition: Horse drawn carriage
A wagon artistically penciled by an ungulate

30. What do you call chaos in the Kitchen (and don't answer "normal")?
Pan-demonium

31. What do you call a wide screen picture taken of someone's kitchen?
A pan-orama

32. Why do people like dairy cattle?
Because they can milk them for all they are worth.

33. What do cookies expell?
Cookie sheet

34. Do eggs live a Shell-tered egg-sistance?

35. Why is boxing like most Friday dinners?
They both in volve takeouts

36. The spatula was just scraping by in life.

37. What do pot cleaning nurses wear?
Scrubs

38. What do you call something on fire floating on water?
Flame bouyant

39. Have you heard of the disease you can catch in an airport?
Its Terminal

40. How is a brassier maker like a chef?
They both involve measuring cups
Sorry.

41. How is a basketball game like its players?
They both bouunce checks.

42. Do you kno the motto of unleavened bread makers?
Last but not yeast

43. Have you heard about the bread market?
Sales are rising

44. What do the Brits wear around 4 pm in the afternoon?
Tea shirts

45. What do you call fermented cabbage down a storm drain?
Sewer Kraut

46. What do you call cabbage fermentedd by a tailor?
Sewer Kraut

47. How do you get into a locked computer?
You use the right Key-board

48. What is a Narwhale's biggest concern?
Tooth decay.

49. What magazine services singing mammals?
Fur-tune 500

50. Alternative definition: OPEC
The muscles located on the OChest

51. Alternative definition: Cyanide
Non addicting sleep aid

52. AD: Strictnine
One more than my Eight hardest teachers

53. AD: Hemlock
A new wrestling move where they hold you by your inseams

54. What does an enlightened densist seek?
Universal tooth

55. Hey I am making lots of bread jokes, I guess I am on a roll.
(sourdough or wheat)

56. What type of underwear do healthy cereals of champions wear?
Wheaty tightys

57. Why did the computer science student go broke?
He gave his teacher an APPLE a day.

58. What is blogger's favorite sci fi movie?
Blog to the future

59. How is this post similar to a twice formed bog?
There might be some re-peat

60. What is a swamp's favorite sci fi movie?
Bog to the future

61. If you are buying a fen what do you put it in?
A shopping bog

62. What do you call micro-organisms living in a marsh?
Bog-teria

63. What was a famous swamp actor?
Humpfrey Bog-gart

64. If you buy a bad citrus fruit, did you buy a lemon?

65. What is the worst part about shopping for citrus?
Waiting in Lime

66. Who is a muts favorite Russian Author?
Dog-stoevsky

67. There is a new brand of horse STD protection. They are calling it the TROJAN horse
Sorry.

68. What do you call it if a book by Ayn Rand starts taking in water?
The Drinking Fountainhead

69. How do you get rid of paranatural billys, kids, nannys, etc?
You call the Goats-busters

70. Have you heard of the garbage eating goat?
He got canned?

71. Did you hear about the guy who fell asleep in a packing plant?
He got canned.

72. How about the guy who backed up inot a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

73. What do you call a shirt on a goat?
A goat-tee

74. The goat wanted needed someone to watch his Kid Billy so he hired a Nanny.

75. How does a sheep store documents on a computer?
On the RAM

76. Disney land is an ironic place it is a people trap run by a mouse

77. Why doesn't a mouse trap work during Easter?
Its Spring Break

78. What was that last joke?
Cheesey.

79. Why did the out of control guy go to the guilletine?
He los this head.

... He took a little of the top.

... He had his ears lowered.

82. Why do hair stylists never need to go to Jenny Craig?
Because they already have a trim figure

83. What type of watch does a tape worm wear?
A scolex

84. What do you call well seasoned celery?
Psaltry

85. What food product can be found in the bible that goes well with Olive oil?
Psalmic Vinegar

86. If a pronoun takes the place fo a noun, What does a proverb take the place of??

87. FOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEE!!! FORRREEE!!!! FORE! FO! F!
What was that?
A bit of foreshortening.

88. If the Bay of Bengal is in the Indian Ocean, which sea has the ebay??

89. How are my jokes like oil?
They are crude at first but eventually they get more refined.

90. I wouldn't want to be a clock hand. They are going in circles all day, round the clock.

91. Is an editor a draftsman?

92. Alternative definition _____
Drawing a blank.

93. What is the space in a sentence you haven't hit yet?
You're coming up blank.

94. What were those two jokes?
Pun-ctuation

95. What was the above?
Coma tary

96. What comes after a period?
An epoch

97. Are geologists stoners?

98. Are potters Pot heads?

99. What do you call an earthenware cow being fired in a field?
Its out glazing in a field

100. Is a fired torus a glazed doughnut?

101. What is a broken pots favorite color?
Shard treuse

Data?

So for those of you who are fans of Latin, you will remember that data is either the singular female nominative or female singular ablative form of dare. Or it is the neuter plural accusative/nominative. This means that Data from Star Trek Next Generation is either plural or in Latin "Android" is a female word. Fascinating.

The RGB[1,1,0] seconday xylem...

Photo courtesy of: http://www.sanjuanimages.com/Assets/Prints/zoomed/QA01_Bght16.jpg

If Frost were a Geek...

THE CORRIDOR OF TRAVERSAL NOT EMBARKED UPON
2 corridors of traversal did del dot F in a RGB[1,1,0] secondary xylem ,
My journey in life was not path independant
My waiting time lambda was = to T.
As path approaches infinity from the left
To where curvature K is greatest terminating amid the understory;
P2 is similar to P1,
Though perhaps P2 is > P1,
Because its rate of forb input exceeded output;
Though as for that the passing there
dr1/dt ~dr2/dt where dr1/dt is the rate of erosion of path 1 (p1) with respect to time and let dr2/dt be the rate of erosion over time of path two (P2) ,
V(P1)-V(P2)=0 Where v is the paths instantaneous velocity
Organic O horizons were each at a maximum.
Traveling P2 is an excercise left for the reader!
Understanding existance's bifurcation scheme,
My time here is a monomorphic function in that one input will yield one and only one output.
I shall be telling this with an emotional exhalation
At some point U as t approaches infinity:
2 corridors of traversal did del dot F in a RGB[1,1,0] secondary xylem, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
C(P)=Any arbitrary subtraction of two terms. Ah, poetic, but if you were a little lost through any of that here's the translation: THE ROAD NOT TAKEN TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

NO SPAM 4 U !!!

Dear Anonymous. NO SPAM for U!

I do not like blogs and green spam.

I do not like them in a box.

I do not like them with a fox.

I do not like them here or there.

I do not like them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and Spam.

I do not like them in a house.

I do not like them with a mouse

I do not like them, anonymous.

Virent Ova! Virent Sp-perna!





http://www-personal.umich.edu/~bclee/green_spam.gif

WOH!

But Officer I was only ...1592 miles over

'nuff said

S#*% of a B*@(#

In case you are a little rusty on your l337 the title should read Shot of a Beach. And I suppose that Sun on a Beach works as well. Good luck with that and enjoy the scenery.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

What do you do when life gives you THESE lemons!?!?

It Must Be Spread

http://www.chessandpoker.com/rubiks-cube-solution.html

Check it out. Solve it. And pass it on. This thing must be solved!

Books Never Read

101 Books No One Will Read

1.The Phone Book

2. A Ban on Dihydrogen Monoxide Contaiminated with Hydroxic Acid
By Clair and Floe Ing

3. Atomic Physics
By Moe Lee Qule

4. A Tome on Modern Zoology
Itzal ive

5. Bacteria
by Mike Robe

6. How to Play the Guitar
By I.Stromwell

7. Falluvian Geology
By Sandy Banks

8. Black Lung: The Saga of Coal Miner's Disease
By Neman O., Ultram Icro, Scott Pick, Sally Coval, Conan Osis

9. The Latest in Style
By Posh Fasha Nista

10. Bankrupcy
By Owen Cash

11. Instant Messaging
By Ema Aile

12. How to Cook
By Jeffs Special

13. A Book of Southern Lawyers
Sue Yawl

14. A Lengthy Discourse in Lecture Pedagodgy
By Borris Yatosleep

15. The History of Shortening
By Chris Ko

16. Dwarfism
By Nan Ism

17. Nebulae: Where Stars are Born
By Stella Nursurie

18. Winning Marathons
By Ron Udoun

19. Sugarless Coffee
By Joe Black

20. Do It Yourself Colonoscopies Made Easy

21, The Cicada: What Really happened in those 17 years

22. Ticked Off: A Manual of Analog Clock Maintainence

23. Guide to Dust Mite Ecology

24. Things to See and Do in Antarctica

25. Bureaucracy for Dummies: A Guide to Bipartisan Obfuscation

26. How to Read

27. Las Vegas Water Management Strategies: How to Live Conservitively

28. Confessions Of a Wooden Boy's Psychotherapist: Pinocchio Lied on the Couch

29. Pinocchio Returns: Nightmare of an otorhinolaryngologist

30. The Long and Short of it: A History of Giraffes and Pigmy Shrews

31. 101 Ways to Market Your Soul

32. Long Awaited Sprouting: A Documentary of Lawn Growth

33. Effective Methods For Optimal Viewing of Paint Drying

34. The Exciting History of Zimbabwe's Space Program

35. Apocalypto: A Guide to Conversational Mayan

36. An Anthology of Chord Changes in Punk Rock Music

37. How to Clean Up after Your Mutt

38. The Gym Floor: A Systematic Labratory Analysis

39. The ASCII Binary Translation of War And Peace

40. An Exploration of Sawdust

41. Things You Can Poke with Sticks

42. A Collection of Prepositions Found in the Works of Doctor Seuss

43. Triple Negatives Not Not Never Found in Literature

44. A Liturgical Analysis of Cook Books

45. The Grammar of Cooking

46. Stupeed

47. The Censored History of US Postage Stamps

48. Michael Jackson's Guide to Child Care

49. Multivariable Roman Numeral Calculus

50. The Idiots Guide for Dummies

51. Conversations With a Crocodile

52. Bush's Presidential Picture Book

53. 101 Things That Cannot Be Done With Duct Tape

54. How to Keep Scorpions as Pets

55. The Grammar of Time Travel: I Will Had Done Something...

56. What to Do When Your Mother-In-Law is Really Your Sister

57. Letter By Letter: The Epic Saga of Joe Blow's Complete DNA Sequence ACTC....

58. The Catalog of What I found Under My Bed

59. The Sales Catalog for Submarine Screen Doors

60. Build Your Own Helicopter Ejection Seat

61. Manufacturing Specs for the Waterproof Towel

62. The Life of a Deodorant Tester

63. Baring your Scholl: If Arch Supports Could Talk

64. Thoughts from Paris Hilton

65. Things That Rhyme With Orange

66. A Photo Album Of Female Mustaschios

67. Finding out Your Father was Really Mother

68. Bar Codes and What You Can do With Them

69. 101 Uses for Deodorant Caps

70. The Saga Horse Bathing

71. Fighter Piloting for Dummies

72. The Idiots Guide to Harvard, MIT and Yale

73. 101 Fun Ways to Practice Tax Evasion

74. The History of Paper Clips

75. Composting With Cobwebs

76. Tuesdays With Jeffrey Dahmer

77. Drug Free Jamaicans

78. Sands of the Sahara: A Guide to the Sand of the Sahara

79. Middle Eastern Tourism for Americans

80. A Full Mathematical Treatise of Quantum Mechanics for Two Year Olds

81. The Maralyn Manson Guide to Raising Kids

82. Things that are Really Truly Honestly Totally Free

83. Exciting Prophecies found in US Tax Forms

84. The School's Keyboard and Where it Has Been

85. Now You Know Where it Has Been: The History of Things and Whats on Them

86. The history of World's Smallest telescope

87. John Cage's Lyrics to 4:33

88. Conversations With a Phone Book

89. Ways to save Money With 1-900 Numbers

90. The Ugaritic Translation of Tolstoy's Complete Works

91. The Things Our Government Tells

92. Chicken Plucking for Kids

93. Heart Warming Stories Felons Being Asked to Join Night Watch Groups

94. 101 Pranks You Can Play on the Mob

95. 101 of the Best Recipies for Cooking Your Friends

96. Car Alarms and their Uses

97. The Blue Whale Diet

98. 101 Uses for Pond Scum

99. The Secret Social Lives of Physics Majors

100. World's Tastiest ABC Bubble Gum and Where it Came From

And Finally...

101. Poo-Poo Head And Meany Pants: The Deeper Meaning of Elementary School Taunts

Consider this...

First: America is about 50 km thick. And no that is not around our waists. And 3937 km across, again not at our waists. We are about 2,700 km "tall." Now, you should all remember that density is mass divided by volume and that volume is base times height times width and that density times volume will equal the mass. Rock has an average density of 3.0x10^12 kg/ km^3 This means that if we mathy multiply everything that America, if we assume a box of uniform density and ignor continental shelves and oceany stuff and peopley stuff, weighs approximately 1.59 x 10^21 kg (about 7.23 x 10^20 lbs--alot!)


Second: According to the Brittanica 2005 Almanac this planet has something like 735 million cars. Now if we make the ridiculous assumption that each vehicle has a 20 gallon tank filled with octane that needs filling if you are lucky every two weeks or about 26 times per year. And if we remember from our chemistry classes that octane is an 8 carbon chain that when combusted will form 8 carbon dioxides. We need a few unit converters like 1 Gallon is equal to 3.785 litres and that there are 6.023 x 10 with 23 zeros after it husbands of Eve (atoms) per small fury rodent (mole) and that there are 22.4 litres per said rodent. If we again remember that CO2 is made up of two oxygen and a carbon and that a whole lot of them weigh about 44 grams/ rodent and knowing that there are 1000 g/kg This means that by driving our cars we are pumping 1.425 x 10^12 kg per year into the atmosphere.

Conclusion: Assuming that we could turn every rock into gasoline, oh wouldn't the oil companies love that, we will have turned our entire country into atmospheric pollutants in just over 1.1 Billion years. We MUST stop this calamity. If you are a true patriot, for the love of our country PLEASE stop burning fossil fuels. We only have 1.1 Billion years left! Remember what we do today will affect our grandchildren 50 million generations hence! So I implore you, act now, ride the bus, carpool, do what ever you can to reduce global warming Incidently, if we assume a linear relationship between carbon concentrations and temperature our planet's average temperature should be something like 3.1 gajillion degrees Fahrenheit. That's not even considering other resources drains such as breathing, population doubling, etc. Things really are looking grim so please act now!

Love it!

(Characters drawn by Ron Proctor. Images copyright Ott Planetarium, so please don't even think of stealing them, sad I have to say all of that, but as we are publishing the show I feel I should.)

So anyway, these are our characters for our upcoming scout show for the planetarium. Yes we are sending it nation wide and Yes it does meet ALL of the astronomy meritbadge requirements. We aren't done yet, but I got to see a sneak preview. Its FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!! Incidently I wrote the script, and I also play at least three of these characters. Anyone care to guess which ones Answers are later in the blog.

Highlights include, buzzard blowing up the Earth. Boy gets cactus on his tongue and is carried away by giant killer mosquitos. Buzzard gets baked and a postage stamp is really an atomic bomb. Scoutmaster Ted is eaten by light pollution AND Bobo the Buzzard does stand up. Its the most hilarious 20 minutes I have seen and that just the start. Oh, and if you were still in doubt as to which characters I play: The male interview doesn't exist, The mosquito is silent, as are the medics. Billy screams. And I play Jimmy, Bobo and Winston Churchill. Its great! I recomend to anyone coming to watch our scout show starting probably early February. (Oh, and if you should happen to want to buy it just click today's title.)

Posts of the While:

Links

• Store Wars


• Hellzapoppin


• A dynamite movie

Sweet! But He probably needs a life!

This is another one of those where you click the title.

A bit of perspective

Go for it, click the title.

Internet and the Telly

The internet and television both have FAAAAAR to much in common. Most of what is out there--stuff you don't want to watch or see. Television has its Las Vegas, and other shows of negligently clad vixens and other means of soft core porn. The Internet slightly harder. Guess what takes up most of the space on television--ads. A thirty minute show now is about 17 minutes of show and 13 of ads. 43% of what we suffer through on the tube are salespitches. Ugh! Guess what the television with the keyboard intervenously plugged into it is also mostly ads. Exciting. It gets worse, based on a 2007 scientifically sound study of me surfing the internet for about an hour, most of the schtuff I read is an intellectual rerun. Read enough posts and you will find there are startlingly many of THE EXACT SAME posts here there and everywhere, nevermind they have "different authors."
Surfing the internet is great, but its like watching daytime soaps. There really is no content to anything there. You know it will never end, there will always be something new, yet so very little of it is anygood. Yet even inspite of all of this, in spite of knowing there are at least a hundred million other better, more productive things you could or should be doing, yet we watch on. Watching ever on our brain's writhing and melting all the while. Even several hours into the crap with our brains oozing out onto the floor. Even with intelligence insulted, our pocketbooks demanded, held ransom by the world or marketing; even while being numbed to content especially drugs, crassness, violence, sex and any other vice you want we watch on. Hopping, yearing, even longing for something, anything good to come on so we can watch just a little longer. Just frequently enough to keep us glued good things do come, but why must soooo much of the internet and television be wrought with CRAP!?

Quality. It has been posted and written of here: and elsewhere. It has been said that we have an inate sense of quality. Given a room full of people and presented with works of varying degrees of quality the "good" pieces can almost unanimously be recognized, yet the simple fact that there are so many posts on quality would seem to suggest that we are still struggling to define this idea, and to reconcile our ideas of what it whould be to the things that have quality. Perhaps maybe this difficulty in defining quality is the fact that we are imersed in so little of it. I have already complained at the internet and lack of quality on television. This is probably because both of these media are "easy" to produce material for. A new television show is produced every day every week every year decade after decade on hundreds if not thousands of channels. The internet grows at 186,000% per year according to one statistic. The shear volume and ease of producing material for both of these media have for the most part stripped them of much of their quality. Now admittedly there are still many fine products found within each of these spheres of thought, but some much of it isn't.

Even in the face of multimillion dollar (Not even surprised if soon to be multi billion dollar) movies with all of their high tech special effects and high paid actors, books are still better. Books allow you to use your own imagination to create the world of your choosing. Books will tell you things a movie never can. A book is a higher form of quality even than a movie in that books usually take longer to produce, they are more intimately tied with their creators. Books exude a quality that will not be matched until neurally tied viertual reality can be invented. When we have invented the machines necessary to make the world of our imaginations come to life, to combine the visual appeal of a movie with the intellectual draw of a book. That is power. (A power that would make a good science fiction, but that is for later.)
Ah, but here I have strayed. Is mine a work of quality, maybe. But with little or no editing and post post reading probably not as much as it could be. Drivel, maybe to someone. But it is my drivel, and that is probably the excuse that is shared around the world. So enjoy your drivel. May you all break free of your phrenic export bans, and may you never take the easy way out. Strive for quality, seek creativity, and go with the words of Longfellow from his Psalm of Life:

TELL me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!—
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.
Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.
Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.
In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!
Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,—act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!
Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;
Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.
Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

Seek Quality and go with luck.

Holes

From: http://www.impawards.com/2003/posters/holes.jpg On Jan 9 2007

Oh, and the picture doesn't really have anything to do with today's post. The post today is actually about Art, Mathematics and the languages of the universe. Yes, LanguageS of the universe. It has been said that math is the language of the universe. It has been said that if you ask the universe a question it will answer in math. Well this is sort of true, but it is true in the same way that the language of a computer is English. Every time I look at the computer all I see is English. But the computer actually speaks on and offs, but we are able to translate it into English. What language then does the universe speak? I think it is something closer to math art. There are numbers galore, even if I don't hear birds spouting formulae, there are still numbers everywhere, yet there is also great beauty. Intense amazing beauty in each and every component of the universe. The languages of the Universe is art, but to understand the art of the universe we have to translate into math. Birds don't sing in numbers but their song can be transformed into them the same way the computer screen is written in 1s and 0s then the English is dug out from them.

Ah fascinating, but if math is not the language of the Universe proper, what then is math? Math is the language of holes. (Ah, that's where the picture comes in, a post Hole if you will.) Moreover, art is the language of Wholes. I say that math is the language of holes because math provides us the techniques to fill in the infinitely many potholes of logic. Addition, subtraction, multiplication, sines, cos, and the rest--these are the letters the language of Holes is written in. They are the dirt, the foundation on which the whole is built. 2+3=5 if this is true we can then fill the hole that "2 and what, will make 5. " We disguise the hole with the symbol "x." I guess X marks the trap. Since we have ascribed 5 to be formed from 2 and 3 3 is the only thing that will fill in the hole we have created. The same holeds as we progress through stranger smaller holes to fill math gives us the shovels and the dirt to fill the missing holes. Sine of what will fill the hole (X) plus some other hole (Y) when divided by 6 and squared will equal three.
Science is intimately tied with mathematics because science is the special case of looking for holes in the universe and ways of filling them. Math is the language and science is the story problems.

Ah, so what of art? Art is the language of wholes. Art likes to see the whole picture whereas math and science are only concerned with the hole picture. The reason well laid out pictures of every day objects work so well is that the artist is keen at recognizing what we see as the hole-- merely a part of something larger is inturn itself a whole. All of the universe can be contained within great art, if even but a glimpse. The master has shown us the whole within the hole. And herein lies the metaphysical fractal for it is truly an object of math to be powerful enough to fit the whole within a hole. Artists see the emotional picture, the grandest scheme of things--the wholes if you will, while the mathematician and the scientist seeks only the newest question that expands the hole of our understanding by filling in the holes of our understanding.
If this is true, then a religion is an art and a science for it deepens our hole yet it lets us glimpse the universe as a whole. Music is another translation of sight into the realm of sound, letting us too perceive the whole hole. To eat is to fill our holes with things that are whole. And engineering is the whole of holes filling holes with perceived wholes.

But, the trick is for the studier of holes to realize that there are wholes, and for the wholes to realize that even their wholes have holes. The two are opposites one is empty even though it is filled, while the other is full and yet empty. To be a success we must unite the two. Art and religion must unne with science as must the other way round. Only then will we truly see the whole of wholes holes and all.

You know your music rocks when...

You know your music rocks when your head phones come apart from the head banging. ( Insert innocent whistles here.)

A Totaly Sweet Link!!

GO ahead TRY IT!!

A town unlike any ever found

To know more of his plight your heart yearns
But fear not for Jytan Fitch returns.
Voyaged we into once an orinry hamlet.
But now the town is dead and couldn't handle it.
A town devoid of fools,
yet wrought with ghouls.
Every single citizen,
now death's denizen.
A borough of skeleton
townsfolk as ammunition.

Woe unto a rogue that tries to sneak attack,
the creature lacking a back.
Crossbow bolts, and arrow shots
simply rattle within the undeads rib slots.

But of this you can trust,
Dewey and the dorf turned the fiends into dust.
Twas at the cemetary
to where we did tary.
Those undigging the graves
quickly we dispatched with our blades.
Within that cemetary plot, amid those grave sites
Unhatched we a more sinister plot of ancient rites.
The barkeeps daughter maid mention of in earlier fights.
In but hours she'd be dead in all rights.
Off we ran to the bar to make wrongs right.
No fiends we saw so we hid amid the barrels that night.
We hoped to catch them in their act
Leap from behind the barrels and stope them in their tracks
Me with my sword and Dewey with his axe.
We got each other we had the daughter's back.
Or so we'd thunk.
Aye but through the window they'd snuk
Our plans foiled,
A maiden's inocense nearly spoiled.
When we realized what had passed,
we rushed to save to stolen lass.
Long we traced the damsels trail.
We would not lose we had to prevail.
Plunged we into a cave.
Fear we surpressed to be brave.
Filled with grinning skulls ranting.
An army of undead chanting.
An aura of gloom filled the room.
Spewed forth by 170 emissaries of doom.

Will our heros be torn limb from limb?
Will our distressed damsel meet them?
Do our the Gallant gladiators die?
Who do they meet that lets an arrow fly?

Come read again,
To find rest of the crews shenanigins.

The dead of winter

Because January is supposedly the DEAD of winter, and because the old year recently died, and because one of my friends is an undertakers assistant, because what else should follow jokes about microbes, and because my Christmas Break is in its dying days, and the final "and" is because I am DYING to go back to Steiner, here now is 101 puns on Death.

101 Puns to Die For

1. What do jokes about death and an auction have in common?
They are both morbid

2. Who protects us in death?
The Marine Corpse

3. Why are so few people morticians?
It is a large undertaking

4. Are mortician towels labeled "His" and "Hearse"?

5. Is a warm day to a mortician an embalmy day?

6. Are mortician wind storms stiff breezes?

7. Do morticians drink stiff drinks or are they soft drinks?

8. Have you heard about the humorless sail ropes man named Mortis?
All of his friends called him rigger Mortis.

9. What is the favorite sandwich of morticians?
Cold cuts

10. Morticians have great immune systems, everyone they meet is coffin but they aren't.

11. After learning their onebs multiplications, do undertakers learn their tombs?

12. Motto of an undertaker: You can inter but you cannot exit

13. From Nerdtests.com: We would rather deal with all of Al Queida than a single American. Motto of a funeral home

ELDER KOBUS HAS RETURNED!!!
To quote from Douglas Adams, You have been Diverted!
Elder Kobus has a blog stage left of the same name. And as of Jan 1 has returned from South Africa. Great fun rejoice! We now return you to your regularly scheduled DEADly boring programming except instead we shall here take a detour and continue with the letter C

{The marine biologist walked with a limpet}

How to ADD volume C

1. Jimmy's report card
the seven "C"s

2. Cabal
The alternative to satellite

3. Cabbage Picking
Off with their heads

4. Cabaret
A place to go for kicks

5. Caber
A real toss up

6. Cabin boy
a swab young lad

7. Cabinet
An open and shut industry

8. Cable
One who is high strung

9. Caboodle
A Canadian Poodle

10. Caboose
The end of training

Cacanny is british for slow down

11. Cactus
A plant that quickly comes to its point

12. Cadaver
A real cut up

13. Caddy
Give me a hauler

Cade is a lamb left by its mother and reared by hand.

14. The logo on a nurse's uniform
medical staff

15. Caesar
One who gets a lot of Rome-ing charges

16. Caesar salad
One with lots of Romaine charges

17. coffee with cream
a Stirring derivation

18. A man with a good Cadence
One who takes it all in stride

19. Professional bondage
being strapped for cash

More 2c later, but now back to the grave task at hand.

14. A supped up funeral car has 300 hearse power.

15. If a funeral home director gets too stressed he might blow a casket.

16. An undertaker really digs his job.

17. Undertakers make great volleyball plays they are good at getting the digs.

18. An undertaker with nice pants has some good looking digs.

19. An apprentice undertaker has an inter-nship.

20. If you mix scuba with a mortician do you get a cad-diver?

21. For a quantum mortician does casualty always precede effectualty?

22. A scared mortician wants his mummy and deady.

23. The skeleton didn't go to the dance because he had no body to go with him.

24. A skeleton walks into a bar and order a drink and a mop.

25. The skeleton didn't go on the roller coaster because he didn't have any guts.

26. The angry skeleton had a bone to pick.

27. Mathematicians don't die they simply cease to function.

28. Do hippie morticians tie die?

29. What do you call it when death is sad?
The Grim weaper

30. Does Death read the Grim fairy tales?

31. What is a coroner's favorite Poe book?
Murders on the Rue Morgue

32. If a mortician is crowned king does he have a coroner-ation?

33. Motto of the city morgue: You stab em we slab em.

34. Who is a morticians favorite mythological character?
Morgue-ana Lefey (nemesis of Merlin)

35. Is an all you can eat funeral home a s-morgue-as board?

36. We know how to make mummies but we want to keep that secret under wraps.

37. Is a mummy maker a wrap artist?

38. If you do a dance while carrying a coffin what are you?
A palldancer

39. How are funerals like motor boats?
They both have wakes

40. Comedic eulogies often wake the dead.

41. An apathetic mortician couldn't cairn less.

42. How is someone who dies like a football quarterback (and don't say they have the same number of yards as the WSU quarterback)?
They both pass away

43. Morticians are never fed ammunition because they might bite the bullet?

44. Old hicks don't die, they just bite the mullet.

45. The zombie found the ghoul of his dreams.

46. Who is a zombie's favorite composer?
Glenn Ghould

47. What do you call an exciting mortuary?
A FUNeral home

48. Are mossoliums for poles pole vaults?

49. If you turn a cemetery what is it?
A rotational cemetary

50. If you make a polyandrium out of concrete what is it?
A cementary

51. What is a funeral director's favorite soda company?
Davie Jones's

52. Jimmy please use the word "ossuary" in a sentence.
I wanted to know where he was buried, so I ossuary he was.

53. If you have a bone collection building covered in bryophytes, what is it?
A moss-uary

54. Where do dead head holders go?
A neck-ropolis

55. What do you called a rocket propelled cadaver house?
A mortar-uary

56. Where do dead computers go?
Reboot hill

57. How do cats keep their fur looking nice?
With a catacomb

58. What is another name for a dead vinyard?
A grapeyard (graveyard)

59. Alternative definition: Mortician
A crypt-ographer

60. Is a dead cat a catdaver?

61. Do morticians ever get dead arms?

62. What is a morticians favorite time?
The dead of night

63. Are undead frogs always croaking?

64. How would you describe Igor?
A dealy de-parted

65. What is a zombie's favorite book?
Timothy of Decay

66. Are these jokes jokes about the pundead?

67. Do bar owning ghosts serve spirits?

68. Why didn't the spirit run for office?
He didn't stand a ghost of a chance.

69. Are dead autobiographies written by someone else ghost writters?

70. Why do morticians like Las Vegas craps tables?
People frequently die.

71. Which mortician supposedly wrote the Princess Bride?
Stanley Morgue-enstern

72. What is the favorite constellation for morticians?
The Coroner borealis

73. What do you give at a sheep's funeral?
A ewe-logy

74. Alternative definition: A want to be creamated
A burning desire

75. Do dairy farmers get cream-ated?

76. Two cars crashed their owners heald a wreck-uiem?

77. A man doesn' t turn left, he goes the other direction and dies, what happened?
He took his last rights

78. Do dead computers have o-bit-uaries?

79. Do dead astrononauts have orbit-uaries?

80. What do you call a 6 foot undertaker who really should be 12 feet?
6 feet under.

81. What did they call it when world's largest cow died?
They said she was 6 feet udder

82. What do you call a reading of the scottish poet?
An in-Hume-ation

83. Which ancient egyptian king had a larger armored division than any of his predaccessors?
Two-Tank-kamun

84. Have you heard about the flag bearer who took the flag into the coffin with him?
His standards were lowered.

85. Are gravediggers often grounded?

86. Why do most people die in the spring?
So that they can have a funeral March

87. What motto do you get if you cross a funeral with an environmentalist?
Save the wails

88. Where do underwater volcanoes go go when they die?
To a Fumerole parlor

89. What do you have for a dead plant?
Have a fern-eral

90. What is a mortician's favorite epic tragedy?
Die-do and Aeneas

91. Who is a mortician's favorite Greek hero?
Dead-alus

92. How do boats die?
They keel over

93. Do mortician's Die-t?

94. What is the opposite of an autopsy?
An aubottomsy

95. What is a morticians assistant's favorite type of cow?
The gurney

96. What is an undertaker's favorite old time movie?
Ben Hearse

97. Helen Hearse?

98. What is an undertaker's favorite brand of candy?
Hearse-ies

99. Which Star Trek figure is a mortician's favorite?
Dead-a (data)

100. What is an undertaker's favorite star?
The death star

101. What has happened after reading all of this?
I have killed your brain cells

Making Fun of the Little Things

101 Microbiology Jokes

1. Which Staining procedure wins the most races?
Acid Fast

2. What does a microbe wear?
Anae-robe

3. What is a microbe's favorite comic strip?
Agar the horrible

4. How much does a microbe spot weigh?
One Gram stain

5. One Microbiologist asks another: "Are you going to determine the aerotolerance of these organisms?"
"I'll take a stab at it."

6. What do really tall microbe join if they are really good at basketball?
The EMBA

7. What do pink/yellow salt fermenting bacteria go to Florida to swim with?
The Mannitols

8. What keeps bacteria regular?
Mannitol

9. What is the favorite bacteria of fish?
Salmon-ella

10. how do bacteria tile their roofs?
With Salmonella shingellas

11. How are most microbes like vampires?
They thrive on blood (sheep's blood agar)

12. What do thioglycolates and the New York power grids have in common?
They both often experience black outs

13. How is a bacterial party like an agglutination reaction?
both are bacterial get togethers

14. How is shooting a gun like a corporation like a bacterial test?
They all have Ames

15. What do you call the train bacteria ride that takes them across country?
Anthrax

16. What do you call immune before and after pictures?
Anti-bodies

17. Why do microbiologists so often lack a sense of humor?
Because microbiology is cereus business

18. Spare the rod spoil the Bascilus?

19. What bacterial church can you find in the vatican?
The Bascilusca

20. What is the favorite means of communication amoung microbiologists?
The Cell Phone.

21. What can you find in a calf-eteria?
Vaca-teria (Vaca is Spanish for cow)

22. What is the opposite of bacteria?
Fronteria

23. What should bacteria get when they turn 50?
A colony-oscopy

24. What do you call a book written by Orson Scott Card about bacteria?
Endospore's Game

25. Why do bacteria use a mapogen and a compassogen?
To find the pathogen

26. What do you call a bacteria that doesn't like enclosed spaces?
a closteridiumophobic

27. Who is a famous martial artist bacteria?
Brucella Lee

28. Name a punk rock microbe?
Gogol Bordetella (Gogol Bordello is the band, Bordetella is a microbe)

29. What is a favorite computer game among bacteria?
tetani

30. Who is a microbe's favorite artist?
M.C. Eschericia

31. What do you call a microbe with clout?
Influenzial

32. Where do the Desperate House Microbes live?
Listeria Lane

33. Here today gonorrhoeae tomorrow

34. What do you call a tough decision for bacteria?
An either aureus question

35. What do you call bacterial primnary elections?
Coccuses

36. What does a mother bacteria say when her son is acting strange?
Aw its just a phage

37. What is a bacteria's favorite cartoon show about warrior tortises?
Teenage mutans Ninja Turtles

38. What bacterial book did Voltaire write?
Candida

39. How do you color cows?
With a cattle-ase test

40. What do you call a cell with no internal organelles that sings?
Pro-karaoke-ic

41. Alternative definition: Microbiology Lab Aid
agar management

42. What does the business world call the edge of a bacterial colony?
Profit margins

43. What do you call the stuff all over the lab benches?
Counter stain

44. Why is microbiology such a dangerous sport?
There is a lot of violets It can also stain a reputation

45. If you take the CT out of a citrate test, is it an irate test?

46. How is a football runing back like dental microbiology?
They are both concerned with number of caries

47. What do you get if you cross high level calculus with microbiology?
Ordinary differential stains

48. What do you often find on crates of breakable microbes?
Flagella

49. What type of bacteria is sold in adult only shops?
aerogenes

50. What was the Crocodile Hunter's favorite microbe?
Steve Erwinia

51. Jimmy please use the word Euglena in a sentence.
Eu made a mess, Euglena clean it up?

52. does a red blood cell ever feel that the wall are just concaving in on it?

53. I got a parasite, but I think it was just a fluke.

54. what type of parasite is most commonly found in whale flippers?
Flukes

55. What is a paracite's favorite Star Wars character?
Fluke Skywalker

56. Why did the bacteria look simply glowing?
It was covered in fluorescein

57. Why is a Gram positive bacteria grown on EMB like a martyr?
It dyes for our eosins

58. What is an electron microscopes favorite Tom Cruise movie?
Tranmission impossible

59. Do Amoeba ever break up on dates?

60. Which organism is a favorite among track stars?
giardia--It gives you the runs

61. How do flatworms freshen their breathe?
With helminths

62. What does a flatworm put on to keep its head safe in a crash?
A helminth

63. What does a bacteria call it when a sheep clumps?
Flock-ulence

64. How is a bumble bee like someone with Human Immunodeficiency Virus?
They both have HIVs

65. How is a microbiolgy test like a biased politician?
they both have slants

66. Do bacteria carry their hydrolysis in a brief-casein

67. Are robber bacteria casin the joint?

68. Does Borrelia burgdorferi have a tequilla with its Lyme?

69. Where do Roman microbes fight?
The E. Coli-seum

70. Every ten years bacteriologist count populations--its a Serratia mar-census

71. If energy goes into the Entner pathway does it leave through the exitner pathway

72. What do you get if you mix geology with microbiology?
Mica-robes

73. What field do most people with a microbiology degree go into?
Light field microscopy

74. If there is a mannitol to be fair is there a womannitol?

75. Jimmy please use mannitol in a sentence.
I built a tank needing 130 people to run it, but I couldn't mannitol.

76. If you cross a mink with a weasel do you get measles?

77. During the microbe riot there was lots of luteusing

78. How are alcoholic drinks like microbe drug tests?
Both should be used at the Minimum Inhibition Concentration

79. How is a microbiology culture isolation test similar to a homeless man's eating surface?
one is a pour plate the other is a poor plate.

80. What do you get if you cross a university in Pennsylvania with a very effective antibiotic?
Pennicillium State

81. What do you call an eclusive septum swam of a 1930s mysterious comic book character?
Only the Shadow's Nose

82. What do you call the passing fashions of electron transporter molecules?
A FADH2

83. The dentist earned an award an was presented a plaque.

84. What type of car does a protozoan drive?
A Giardia lamblia-ghini

85. Which protozoan stars in Mission Impossible?
Tom Trympanosoma cruzi

86. Which bacteria plays Captian Jean Luc Picard?
Patrick Provendcia stuartii

87. Which bacteria is the red herring villan in Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code?
Father aeruginosa

88. What do you call it if you spread a sports stars winning record across agar?
A winning streak

89. Are rabbit babies rabies?

90. Which parasite was written about by J.R.R. Tolkein?
The One ringworm

91. Alternative definition: Selective Media
Fox News

92. What replaced the tapeworm?
the CDworm

93. What do you call a parasite that detects vibrations?
Tremor-todes

94. Jimmy, please use the word Urease in a sentence?
How do you tell who is faster, urease.

95. What do you call a horse in water?
A wet mount

96. What is the motto of slow fungus?
Last but not yeast

97. Which fungus plays Rocky?
Slyvester stolonifer

98. Where do bacteria keep their money?
In a bank-omyacin

99. How do fungus listen to loud music?
On an ampicillin-afier (On an amplifier)

100. What keep Noah the dry?
His arc-haea

101. After reading these jokes what are you?
Well cultured

A bit of me

Yeah, that's me reading a book in tha magellanic cloud.
From: Meez.com

2006: A year in Review

So come late December or early January, many places do a review of the year past. Who am I to buck this tradition. The year 2006 in review copied directly from http://timelines.ws/0B3300_1300BC.HTML

2006 BC The first agricultural tribes appeared on the Bactrian Plain (Afghanistan).
(NG, 3/90, p.62)

2006 BC Bronze-age mounds from this time in Turkman SSR indicate that Central Asians built cities around oases and developed a flourishing civilization with monumental architecture, sophisticated gold and silver craft, and irrigation agriculture.
(NG, 3/90)

c2006 BC At Arbor Low in Derbyshire, England, a Bronze Age stone circle was constructed.
(SFEM, 10/11/98, p.21)

c2006 BC Silbury Hill, located on the prehistoric site of Avebury (named after nearby Avebury, England), is the largest prehistoric mound in Europe. The artificial hill, which rises up 130 feet, was constructed over three separate phases beginning at least 4,000 years ago. Although the shape of the mound is similar to smaller earthen constructions used for burials, its purpose remains a mystery.
(HNQ, 6/8/01)

2006 BC The initial phase of what scientists call Stonehenge III was begun about 100 years after Stonehenge II with the lentil structure familiar to modern visitors. The builders continued improvements on Stonehenge III up until about 1550BC, well before historical records of the Druids or the Romans. Both Stonehenge and a neighboring circular monument were added to UNESCO's World Heritage List--a listing of cultural and natural sites--in 1986.
(HNQ, 3/3/01)

2006 BC For as many as 4,000 years, the salty sand of the Taklimakan Desert in China held well-preserved mummies wearing colorful robes, boots, stockings and hats. The people were Caucasian not Asian. The bodies have been exhumed from the Tarim Basin of Xinjiang province since the late 1970s.
(SFC, 5/6/96, p.C-1)

2006 BC Balathal, outside the city of Udaipur in northeast India, was a Chalcolithic village. The people used copper tools and weapons. Terra-cotta figurines of bulls have been found at the site. It was abandoned and reoccupied c340BC.
(AM, Mar/Apr 97 p.B)

2006 BC Legends from Mecca indicate that the prophet Abraham built the Kaaba about this time. The Kaaba is a shrine meaning cube in Arabic, that enclosed the idols of their gods. Religious rituals were performed around the Kaaba which had a black stone embedded into a corner, said to be a gift to Abraham from the angel Gabriel for his belief in one god. By CE 500 more than 360 idols were housed within the Kaaba.
(ATC, p.57)

2006 BC About this time the Egyptians domesticated the cat in order to catch snakes. Advances in astronomy enabled the Egyptians to predict the annual flooding of the Nile.
(eawc, p.2)

c2006 BC An Egyptian painting on an interior tomb wall depicted 6 men scrubbing, wringing and folding a cloth.
(SFC, 10/11/97, p.E3)

2006 BC By this time Baltic amber reached the Mediterranean and was found in ancient Mycenaean shaft graves.
(PacDis, Winter/'97, p.10)

2006 BC The Timucuan Indians lived on Cumberland Island, Georgia, back to this time.
(Sky, 4/97, p.43)

2006 BC The Hittites lived around what is now Cappadocia. They mixed with the already-settled Hatti and were followed by the Lydians, Phrygians, Byzantines, Romans and Greeks. The name Cappadocia comes from the Hittite for "land of pretty horses."
(SFEC, 9/14/97, p.T14)

c2006 BC In India Tantra, a quasireligious doctrine, dates back to this time. Its first texts were in Sanskrit and the original adherents practiced ritual copulation.
(WSJ, 12/7/98, p.A1)

c2006 BC The Sumerian goddess Inanna was a fertility figure.
(SFEC, 9/27/98, BR p.7)

c2006 BC A palace was built at Qatanah, 12 miles south of Damascus, Syria, that was discov ered in 1999.
(SFEC, 11/21/99, p.A6)

2006 BC-1790BC The wooden statue of chancellor Nakhti and carved face of governor Hapidjefai date to Egypt’s Middle Kingdom. They are now in the French Louvre.
(WSJ, 1/29/98, p.A16)

2006 BC-1600BC In Mesopotamia the Old Babylonian period began after the collapse of Sumer, probably due to an increase in the salt content of the soil that made farming difficult. Weakened by poor crops and lack of surplus goods, the Sumerians were conquered by the Amorites, situated in Babylon. The center of civility shifted north. The Amorites preserved much of the Sumerian culture but introduced their own Semitic language, an early ancestor to Hebrew, into the region.
(eawc, p.2)

2006 BC-1600BC The Middle Minoan period. Middle Minoan I finds polychrome decoration in pottery with elaborate geometrical patterns; we also discover interesting attempts to picture natural forms, such as goats and beetles. There then follows some great catastrophe. Middle Minoan II includes the period of the great palace of Phaestos and the first palace of Knossos. This period also includes the magnificent polychrome pottery called Kamares ware. Another catastrophe occurs. The second great palace of Knossos was built and begins the Middle Minoan III. It was distinguished by an intense realism in art, speaking clearly of a rapid deterioration in taste. Pictographic writing was clearly developed, with a hieratic or cursive script derived from it, adapted for writing with pen and ink.
(R.M.-P.H.C.p.17)

2006 BC-1600 In Oman a transitional culture known as early Wadi Suq.
(AM, May/Jun 97 p.49)

2006 BC-1500BC The events of the Indian Ramayana epic, written around 500BC, supposedly took place about this time period.
(AM, 7/04, p.50)

2006 BC-1550BC The Babylonians built an empire.
(WH, 1994, p.12)

2006 BC-1500BC In Greece the Minoan civilization, named after the Cretan ruler Minos, reached its height with central power in Knossos on the isle of Crete. The culture was apparently more female-oriented and peaceful than others of the time.
(eawc, p.2)

2006 BC-1000BC Early preclassic period of the Maya.
(AM, May/Jun 97 suppl. p.B)

2006 BC-1000BC In Italy Indo-Europeans slowly began to inhabit the north by way of the Alps. They brought the horse, the wheeled cart, and artistic knowledge of bronze work to the Italian peninsula. The Greeks and the Etruscans occupied different regions of the peninsula during the 8th century.
(eawc, p.2)

2006 BC-500BC Aryan tribes lived in Aryana (Ancient Afghanistan). The City of Kabul is thought to have been established during this time. Rig Veda may have been created in Afghanistan around this time. Evidence of early nomadic iron age in Aq Kapruk IV.
(www.afghan, 5/25/98)

And there you have it a review of the year 2006 BC.