Thursday, October 18, 2007
So I find it interesting that...
I think it is interesting that I have a company trying to make money off of me. The company that bought a similarly spelled domain name as mine is "http://boomsblog.blogpsot.com/" note the blogPSOT .com and is a worldwide seller of Bibles!
So I deleted the last one...
You may or may not have noticed that I deleted the last post. It got annoying not being able to click anything. Though if you get the chance, rent and see Plan 9 from Outer Space! It is quite possible the worst movie EVER MADE!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The Macgyver.com guest book..
So True. This one comes by way of Dave Berry.
-- Gifts for Men --
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why
professionalice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts
for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes.
Men believe they already have all the clothes they will
ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example,
your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial
and error,that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his
wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear
THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it
down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without
being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
WOW! By Far the Coolest blog I have yet found!
Sorry to anyone whose ego may be hurt by the above statement, but this is definitely the coolest blog I have ever seen. Go on click it! Scroll through the pictures, they never end and every last one of them is just as beautiful as the last. So amazed!
Monday, October 15, 2007
Totally Stolen from one of my friends
http://lovesuddenly.blogspot.com/2007/10/sunday-october-14th-2007.html
Oh and it is world blogger awareness day, so please do something nice for the planet today.
Oh and it is world blogger awareness day, so please do something nice for the planet today.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
See told ya...
Hmm, it seems I need to work on my awkwardness a bit. Moreover, I think I am over represented in the computer bit, but seriously UNDER represented in quite a few areas. I mean come on non mutually exclusive or exhaustive choices, no ALL of them options! As per dating they stop at a year sans date, There have been times where the wait interval between dates was ones of years. Their reading/book options did not include for multiple books over 300 pages, phone books, dictionaries, phone books, or even as I have said the all of the above option. They asked me who created Battle Star Galactica--and I assumed Ben Bova the author of the original book series, of which they did not have an option for, or for his sequal Black hole. They allowed for only ONE of the many ways in which Aristotle was wrong. They did not ask in what I could code. And what is with the one choice options, that don't even make sense? They don't have tried out for Jeopardy and nearly actually got on Jeopardy. Moreover again I cannot believe they do not make reference to the most classic of movies. Where's the Monty Python man! Show the love. In the pick one out of the six catagories they need more "Screw this group options" I would personally trade all of group 2, 4, 5, and 6 for an extra blip on group 1. Ah well, I can still revel in my nerdom status, even if it isn't where I rightfully belong, but oh well I guess they can't please every one. ;)
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
The daily dose of Macgyver
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
Welcome to the future everyone...
If you ever needed proof that every science fiction distopist was right click here.
Emergent Properties
It has been said that, "all of the world is naught but a business model." I don't know who first said it, but I have said it, so it has been said. But all of business can be boiled down to an application of psychology. This would imply that Our world as we know it is nothing more than a study of the mind and how people work. Hmmm interesting, a thought to be pursued later, but for now my errant parsimonifcations shall continue. Psychology is nothing more than an application of the principles of biology. So maybe Earth is nothing more than 1 big living organism and we are merely the enzymes and proteins in it. We ARE the catalysts of change. The Earth works with or without us. When we are dead and gone and extinct as a species I am fairly confident that our dear beloved Earth will still be here. Whether we are or not. So maybe the Earth can be describes as a single living organism a giant cell floating adrift in the cosmos. This idea is not unique. Though interesting, it has been thought of before. In 1978 James Lovelock proposed the Gaia hypothesis claiming that all of Earth could be thought of as alive, I like the idea, I think I agree with him, but that is not the purpose of my ramblings here. All of Earth can be thought of a living system, but as I recall most of biology is but an application of chemistry. So Earth has been reduced once again. Now the ecosystems that make up this blessed Earth comprised of organisms niches and their interactions is but chemistry. electrons provide the energy. Organisms provide the energy of change. Symbiosis is but a covalent bond where the energy of the two is shared. Parasitism is closer akin to a dipole moment, one sharing unequally with its partner. Predation perhaps is an Ionic bond. The energy of one life lost to power the demands of another. Ions electrons that are not worth the energy to keep, these are life's evolutions our traits lost or gained over time. Such that the long proboscis of the elephant is the cation of time, while the coccyx is the anion of man. A niche is the conditions for a reaction to take place. What then is a reaction? Perhaps a reaction is a metaphor of the afterlife, if there is one. We the products of Genes and the environment are really the reactants of time and space, changed when we die, when we have added sufficient energy to the reactions we have created. We we have overcome our inhitions and passed to the other side of the equation, able to look back at our reactants changed in some way now a product of the universe. Life and death are naught but chemistry, so some would say. But the fact of the matter is that chemistry itself is nothing more than an application of physics. And so the random reactions and combinations of we as molecules in this our vast universe, are but the bulk properties of thermo dynamics. Our free will when aggregated over the myriads of our kind is naught but an orderly progression ever adhering to the rules. What one atom does is entirely unknown, but how the mass diffuses can be predicted to the nth degree. Our free wills are the thermodynamics of the universe, each our own and yet a property entirely predictable. Matter can never be created nor destroyed, energy can only be changed. Life exists after death, but in what form, that is unknown. But let us pause here for a minute, for our endless exercise in simplification is not yet done. For what is physics but an application of, and put purpose to, the finest of mathematical equations. Equations determined from the beginning of time, predicting the entire future of the universe, and yet these systems of non-linear mastery, are not static in nature. They are dynamic changing, moving flowing. We are the deterministic products of of a random world. We are both free willed and determined. The ultimate chaos game in motion. Sierpinski triangles are we. Determined form the beginning, but through a path unknown. But curiously from this reduction ad absurdum, art emerges. There is a beauty in all things, an inherent sense of worth. To see the art is to see the whole. To see what beauty has sprung forth out of our ever descending hole. But let me ask you now what is art if not a test of the psyche? What is life? What is art? What is this universe that we live in? Is it biology, is it psychology? Is it art? Is it chemistry? Is it math, is it physics? It is all I say to thee. It is all.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Courtesy of Macgyver.com
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (T(H)/T(E))^4 = 50, where T(E) is the absolute temperature of the
earth (~300K), gives T(H) as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
Nice. The strange part is that the math works.
And the winner is...
Ah. He's Cute. Let's give him a bone shall we? Naw it looks like he has already got one.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
Equations of the Universe part 2
{Note to reader: you should probably read part 1 before reading part two, though it is not essential. Part one is below this one.}
So my latest pondering when something like this: "What is the means to salvation? Is it by faith, or is it by works?" I know, I know there are oodles and oodles of scripture on the matter, but I wanted to test it empirically. Faith and salvation are a little tricky to define, but work--physicists got that one covered. Its absurd but we'll start with the physics definition of work. Work (w) is Force (f) times Distance (d). According to Newton Force is f=ma where f has already been defined m is mass and a is acceleration, but thanks to Einstein and his e=mc^2, we can rewrite force as f= (E/C^2) a where C is the speed of light. Now a is the acceleration, which is the change in velocity over time. But acceleration, as an example, in the case of a circle, can also be the change in course over time and the change in time is time. We will call this dK/T where T is time and dK is our change in Kourse (I would have used C, but that was taken by light already so K = course (Clearly it must be the German spelling)). Thus force is (EdK/C^2T). But remember it is not force we are interested in. It is works. And while we are here let us also remember as Einstein suggests that space and time are one thus d=T. Which replaced into our earlier equation leaves us w= (EdK/C^2T)*T (I will leave the T in the equation even though it cancels as it will be important later.) But remember we are interested in the "good works" so we will need some additional definitions a little closer to what we are seeking. E is our total energy and is the sum of our energy devoted to works (E(w)), thoughts (E(t)) and deeds (E(d)) . Thus E = E(w) + E(t)+E(d). Let us also consider what does it mean for us to change our course spiritually. What does dK/T mean? It means we must over come something. We must change something about ourselves. Notice that it is over time. That means it matters little if our change is only temporary it must be long term. It is this term that explains sin and Satan in our equation, for as we see if dK/t= if we never had to over come anything nor change anything about ourselves, if we were perfect from the start absent of free will a zero is thrown into the equation which in a few moments we will see will have disasterous consequences. So what does it mean to do good works? w = [((E(w)+E(t)+E(d))*dK] T/ [c^2T] Thus the net total of our good works is equal to the sum of the energy we have spent on works, thoughts, and deeds of a spiritual nature. This is multiplied by how much we have overcome, how much we have changed and grown over our lifetime divided by a very large constant--keep this constant in mind it will become important shortly. Using what we have derived in the last post the impact (I) = Quality * Quantity. Ah but what is our impact? Our impact is salvation (s). How do we measure the quality of faith? I would suggest there are two terms to this equation F(G) faith in God and F(s) faith in the son. Now at this point I would like to point out a few things. In every depiction of either Christ or the father there are always halos of light. In every description and encounter with them they are often described as being wrapped in or coming down from or emitting pillars of light. God is also described as being omnipresent. Omnipresent means he is in all places at all times. The only way you can do this is if you can stop time. the only way you can stop time is to travel at the speed of light, C (look to Einstein for the proof of that one.) But, since God, the father and the son are 1 in purpose, and 1 is the son of the other (you know which is which) might that not also suggest that F(s) = C as well? If we assume it does and use this term as a measure of the quality of our faith and use our works as the quantity then we have an expression relating most of what we know about religion. s = F(G)*F(S)*[((E(w)+E(t)+E(d))*dK] T/ [c^2T]. Thus, if I am right, our degree of salvation is equal to our faith in God, multiplied by our faith in his son times the sum of our energy devoted to their works, thoughts, and deeds. We must over come sin (at least 1) The T term remains because it is multiplied by the length of our lives notice that the Ts cancel, thus it does not matter if our life is long or if it is short, but the T on top must equal the T on bottom. We cannot cut our life short lestwise they will not cancel i.e. you are perfectly allowed to commit suicide but you are cutting short your life equation. Notice also that if either faith in God or faith in Christ is absent 0* anything =0 "first among these is to love thy god and to love thy neighbor" "The first article of faith is faith is Jesus Christ" they are also the first terms in our equation. They are also linear not regulated by constants as our other terms are. Notice also that individually we could forgo works, thoughts or deed so long as we did not have none of them yet the more of them we have the greater is our reward. Notice also that all of our works, thoughts and deeds are divided by C^2 = 1/8.9875517877x10^16 which accounts for 0.0000000000000000111265005605th of our end result. So, if you think you can get to heaven by works alone you had better get started. But remember even a small faith in God the Father and Christ the son yields bounteous rewards, in fact remember earlier where we postulated that both F(s) and F(G) =C this means that if you live a full life and if you have full faith in both of them the equation is simplified to s= C*C *[((E(w)+E(t)+E(d))*dK] T/ [c^2T] where the Ts cancel as do the Cs leaving us only [((E(w)+E(t)+E(d))*dK] the energy we have invested in others and the things we have overcome. Thus if you have faith the only thing that matters is how you treat other people and what you have made of your self. Good luck! Godspeed. Keep believin' and get cracking on them works.
So my latest pondering when something like this: "What is the means to salvation? Is it by faith, or is it by works?" I know, I know there are oodles and oodles of scripture on the matter, but I wanted to test it empirically. Faith and salvation are a little tricky to define, but work--physicists got that one covered. Its absurd but we'll start with the physics definition of work. Work (w) is Force (f) times Distance (d). According to Newton Force is f=ma where f has already been defined m is mass and a is acceleration, but thanks to Einstein and his e=mc^2, we can rewrite force as f= (E/C^2) a where C is the speed of light. Now a is the acceleration, which is the change in velocity over time. But acceleration, as an example, in the case of a circle, can also be the change in course over time and the change in time is time. We will call this dK/T where T is time and dK is our change in Kourse (I would have used C, but that was taken by light already so K = course (Clearly it must be the German spelling)). Thus force is (EdK/C^2T). But remember it is not force we are interested in. It is works. And while we are here let us also remember as Einstein suggests that space and time are one thus d=T. Which replaced into our earlier equation leaves us w= (EdK/C^2T)*T (I will leave the T in the equation even though it cancels as it will be important later.) But remember we are interested in the "good works" so we will need some additional definitions a little closer to what we are seeking. E is our total energy and is the sum of our energy devoted to works (E(w)), thoughts (E(t)) and deeds (E(d)) . Thus E = E(w) + E(t)+E(d). Let us also consider what does it mean for us to change our course spiritually. What does dK/T mean? It means we must over come something. We must change something about ourselves. Notice that it is over time. That means it matters little if our change is only temporary it must be long term. It is this term that explains sin and Satan in our equation, for as we see if dK/t= if we never had to over come anything nor change anything about ourselves, if we were perfect from the start absent of free will a zero is thrown into the equation which in a few moments we will see will have disasterous consequences. So what does it mean to do good works? w = [((E(w)+E(t)+E(d))*dK] T/ [c^2T] Thus the net total of our good works is equal to the sum of the energy we have spent on works, thoughts, and deeds of a spiritual nature. This is multiplied by how much we have overcome, how much we have changed and grown over our lifetime divided by a very large constant--keep this constant in mind it will become important shortly. Using what we have derived in the last post the impact (I) = Quality * Quantity. Ah but what is our impact? Our impact is salvation (s). How do we measure the quality of faith? I would suggest there are two terms to this equation F(G) faith in God and F(s) faith in the son. Now at this point I would like to point out a few things. In every depiction of either Christ or the father there are always halos of light. In every description and encounter with them they are often described as being wrapped in or coming down from or emitting pillars of light. God is also described as being omnipresent. Omnipresent means he is in all places at all times. The only way you can do this is if you can stop time. the only way you can stop time is to travel at the speed of light, C (look to Einstein for the proof of that one.) But, since God, the father and the son are 1 in purpose, and 1 is the son of the other (you know which is which) might that not also suggest that F(s) = C as well? If we assume it does and use this term as a measure of the quality of our faith and use our works as the quantity then we have an expression relating most of what we know about religion. s = F(G)*F(S)*[((E(w)+E(t)+E(d))*dK] T/ [c^2T]. Thus, if I am right, our degree of salvation is equal to our faith in God, multiplied by our faith in his son times the sum of our energy devoted to their works, thoughts, and deeds. We must over come sin (at least 1) The T term remains because it is multiplied by the length of our lives notice that the Ts cancel, thus it does not matter if our life is long or if it is short, but the T on top must equal the T on bottom. We cannot cut our life short lestwise they will not cancel i.e. you are perfectly allowed to commit suicide but you are cutting short your life equation. Notice also that if either faith in God or faith in Christ is absent 0* anything =0 "first among these is to love thy god and to love thy neighbor" "The first article of faith is faith is Jesus Christ" they are also the first terms in our equation. They are also linear not regulated by constants as our other terms are. Notice also that individually we could forgo works, thoughts or deed so long as we did not have none of them yet the more of them we have the greater is our reward. Notice also that all of our works, thoughts and deeds are divided by C^2 = 1/8.9875517877x10^16 which accounts for 0.0000000000000000111265005605th of our end result. So, if you think you can get to heaven by works alone you had better get started. But remember even a small faith in God the Father and Christ the son yields bounteous rewards, in fact remember earlier where we postulated that both F(s) and F(G) =C this means that if you live a full life and if you have full faith in both of them the equation is simplified to s= C*C *[((E(w)+E(t)+E(d))*dK] T/ [c^2T] where the Ts cancel as do the Cs leaving us only [((E(w)+E(t)+E(d))*dK] the energy we have invested in others and the things we have overcome. Thus if you have faith the only thing that matters is how you treat other people and what you have made of your self. Good luck! Godspeed. Keep believin' and get cracking on them works.
Equations of the Univer part 1
I came up with this quite some time ago. I don't know if I have already posted this or not, but the idea is essential for my next post, so enjoy this is the precursor for what follows.
So first of all here's the line of thinking that lead up to my grand
discovery. I was walking out of the bookstore and I saw a poster
advertising the US Marines. The ad ran something like this Superior
Thinking always exceeds superior man power. This lead me on a math
quest plotting thought power versus man power and integrating the
thing. Also if taken as a system thought power and man power is an
unstable dynamic. A positive feedback loop is created if thought goes
from an individual to a group, whereas a negative feedback occurs if
the reverse is traveled. Any way, from this I began thinking What was
the total power of man power and thought power. My thinking was thus
and for 2 hours now I have yet to find a hole in my logic (you are all
welcome to help look(Tear his theory down bwa ha ha ha! I know is what
you all should be thinking.)) Anyway, power is work divided by time.
P=W/T. The magnitude of work is simply the magnitude of the force
time the distance. W=Fd And Force is the Mass times the Acceleration.
And mass is simply the quantity of the something you have. putting it
all together one gets Power equals
((Mass)(Acceleration)(Distance))/Time or P=MAD/T. Now let us consider
this equation for ideas. Now ideas may have mass based on the number
of ions that passed through you brain to make that idea, but let us
instead replace mass with "the effect that an idea has (E)" Since mass
is just how much of something you have how effective an idea is is
roughly equivilent to how massive it is (its a stretch but roll with
me) Thus P=EAD/T Now distance divided by time is the velocity we can
then replace d/t with V. Leaving
us P=EAV. Now momentum, once going how hard is it to stop, is
mass times the velocity MV remembering we substitiuted E for M thus EV
gives us the intelectual momentum how hard an idea is to stop once it
has been unleashed. Acceleration can be thought of as how much was
accomplished how fast. And intellectual power can be defined as what
is the lasting effect of this idea. This generalizes to How long and
idea will continue over time Times the ammount achieved over time
equals the impression left . Both of these together are what makes an impression.
If there is 0 quality it does not matter the quantity you will still
go nowhere. But, if there is an imense quantity times even a little
quality a big impression will be made. Now let's explore and see if
this concepts works in more than just theory. Puns, which is
remembered longer a person who tells one really really really funny
joke, or the person who tells 12,000 somewhat funny jokes? Who becomes
more famous the person who composes one great work or the person who
composes thousands of songs and if those songs are of any qualitiy
that person becomes a legend e.g. Motzart, Beethoven et al. Consider
also politics. If you know no one of power (quality) you will not get
elected. But the more people you know (quantity) the more likely you
will leave an impression. In general the many oft outway the few.
Non point source pollution (polution from every one(quantity) out
weighs the larger more noticeable pollutants of the few (quality).
Microscopic algae produce individually much less oxygen than their
larger counterparts, but their are far more of them. It is the many that are
important and not the few. To become famous you must accomplish much
in a short time rather than one grand idea. It is easier to have a
higher Intellectual acceleration than Intellectual momentum for the same
impression (fame). I invite you to debunk my scheme. Good luck,
accomplish much!
So first of all here's the line of thinking that lead up to my grand
discovery. I was walking out of the bookstore and I saw a poster
advertising the US Marines. The ad ran something like this Superior
Thinking always exceeds superior man power. This lead me on a math
quest plotting thought power versus man power and integrating the
thing. Also if taken as a system thought power and man power is an
unstable dynamic. A positive feedback loop is created if thought goes
from an individual to a group, whereas a negative feedback occurs if
the reverse is traveled. Any way, from this I began thinking What was
the total power of man power and thought power. My thinking was thus
and for 2 hours now I have yet to find a hole in my logic (you are all
welcome to help look(Tear his theory down bwa ha ha ha! I know is what
you all should be thinking.)) Anyway, power is work divided by time.
P=W/T. The magnitude of work is simply the magnitude of the force
time the distance. W=Fd And Force is the Mass times the Acceleration.
And mass is simply the quantity of the something you have. putting it
all together one gets Power equals
((Mass)(Acceleration)(Distance
this equation for ideas. Now ideas may have mass based on the number
of ions that passed through you brain to make that idea, but let us
instead replace mass with "the effect that an idea has (E)" Since mass
is just how much of something you have how effective an idea is is
roughly equivilent to how massive it is (its a stretch but roll with
me) Thus P=EAD/T Now distance divided by time is the velocity we can
then replace d/t with V. Leaving
us P=EAV. Now momentum, once going how hard is it to stop, is
mass times the velocity MV remembering we substitiuted E for M thus EV
gives us the intelectual momentum how hard an idea is to stop once it
has been unleashed. Acceleration can be thought of as how much was
accomplished how fast. And intellectual power can be defined as what
is the lasting effect of this idea. This generalizes to How long and
idea will continue over time Times the ammount achieved over time
equals the impression left . Both of these together are what makes an impression.
If there is 0 quality it does not matter the quantity you will still
go nowhere. But, if there is an imense quantity times even a little
quality a big impression will be made. Now let's explore and see if
this concepts works in more than just theory. Puns, which is
remembered longer a person who tells one really really really funny
joke, or the person who tells 12,000 somewhat funny jokes? Who becomes
more famous the person who composes one great work or the person who
composes thousands of songs and if those songs are of any qualitiy
that person becomes a legend e.g. Motzart, Beethoven et al. Consider
also politics. If you know no one of power (quality) you will not get
elected. But the more people you know (quantity) the more likely you
will leave an impression. In general the many oft outway the few.
Non point source pollution (polution from every one(quantity) out
weighs the larger more noticeable pollutants of the few (quality).
Microscopic algae produce individually much less oxygen than their
larger counterparts, but their are far more of them. It is the many that are
important and not the few. To become famous you must accomplish much
in a short time rather than one grand idea. It is easier to have a
higher Intellectual acceleration than Intellectual momentum for the same
impression (fame). I invite you to debunk my scheme. Good luck,
accomplish much!
By special request
So I don't usually post jokes that aren't mine, but because I have had a special request. Here goes. Courtesy of Good Clean Funnies http://www.gcfl.net/funnycd.php
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Hmmm?
Why does the world appear the way it does? Ah sure Descartes pondered
this one, and the Matrix took a stab at it, and so did a horde of
others, but lets take one more look at this age old problem shall we?
As far as I can tell there are essentially three only reasons this
could be so. 1. There is a God. From what I have heard he is a
benevolent god and he has created the world a certain way and him
being benevolent wants us to search and explore and enjoy this world.
Because he is benevolent he will not lie to us or deceive us. This
world really is how he created it. 2. There is a creator, but he is a
mischievous creator trying to trick and deceive us. The problem is if
we knew it was a trick we would stop believing and stop acting the way
he wanted us to. The third option is that there really is no God and
what we see is how the world really is. There are two facts that leave
me wondering about this. 1. 96% of the universe is dark matter--stuff
we can't even hope to see. It neither emits nor receives photons. In
other words dark matter doesn't interact with light. That means we
could not see it even if it were piled high smack dab in front of us.
So then the question then becomes why is the universe hiding most of
itself from us? Are we not ready for it? Is it just part of the
universe and as of yet are we still too stupid to figure out a way of
looking at it? Is this dark matter part of the world that evil creator
is hiding? That's the first evidence the second is here [Click
it, its trippy]. Since there are things in this world trying to trick
us clearly there must be an antibeneficial creator, because we cannot
trust our senses. [Actually we can trust our senses. They are seeing
what is, but we cannot trust our thinking center for it is within our
brain the miscommunication lies. It is within our processing center
that the data from our senses is interpreted.] Yet even with "tricked" senses we have still been able to develop advanced mathematics and complex physics. If all there were was a malefactor creator then we shouldn't be able to develop anything thing. For it seems to me that if one were trying to keep us confused why have anything work at all. If you were trying to spawn frustration, why allow success? Thus the world we see, we may assume is
real, at least the 4% we can see, as far as we can tell. But we have
no guarantee that the input on our senses is as we are interpreting
it.
However, let us also consider the abundance of these optical illusions. Dreams are real and fairly common, but often they are quickly forgotten, and also often they never to appear quite as life like as "actual sensory experience." So in most cases we have a way of telling them apart. With optical illusions we are often able to recognize what it is that is creating them. If they were the product of an evil trickster we shouldn't be able to recognize them. Moreover, optical illusions are really rather rare. In day to day life I am forced to trust what my senses are telling me (assuming 1 trust/sec) 86,400 times per day. I can go weeks, months or even years before I encounter things that make me call my senses into question. Moreover again most times when most people's senses are called into question is when they are doing things they shouldn't [drugs, alcohol, staying up much much longer than you should have] Most of the time, when you are doing the things you should your senses are behaving as you would expect. Therefore what if the things we call optical illusions are not the offspring of an all powerful evil trickster trying to deceive us but rather like a visual pun. 1 Sensory input with multiple interpretations. What if they are not "proof of something sinister," but rather a note for us to lighten up. Maybe they can be thought of as a coming from a mirthful God poking fun at our human frailties and of what we think we know is out there. But they most certainly cannot be from a crafty and malicious being because we are eventually let in on the trick--true deception it seems to me would not be so kind (unless of course all of it really is a trick and we won't be let in on it until the very end, but again why let us have so much order if that were so?). It may not actually be order, but it works, so we will roll with it and hope for the best. And maybe all that dark matter is not the sly villain concealing his plans from us, but the careful parent who doesn't teach their 2 year old about differential calculus before he knows trig, geometry, algebra, the ideas of numbers, adding subtracting, dividing, and multiplication first. I think for now I am inclined to support the later and watch the former on the Matrix.
this one, and the Matrix took a stab at it, and so did a horde of
others, but lets take one more look at this age old problem shall we?
As far as I can tell there are essentially three only reasons this
could be so. 1. There is a God. From what I have heard he is a
benevolent god and he has created the world a certain way and him
being benevolent wants us to search and explore and enjoy this world.
Because he is benevolent he will not lie to us or deceive us. This
world really is how he created it. 2. There is a creator, but he is a
mischievous creator trying to trick and deceive us. The problem is if
we knew it was a trick we would stop believing and stop acting the way
he wanted us to. The third option is that there really is no God and
what we see is how the world really is. There are two facts that leave
me wondering about this. 1. 96% of the universe is dark matter--stuff
we can't even hope to see. It neither emits nor receives photons. In
other words dark matter doesn't interact with light. That means we
could not see it even if it were piled high smack dab in front of us.
So then the question then becomes why is the universe hiding most of
itself from us? Are we not ready for it? Is it just part of the
universe and as of yet are we still too stupid to figure out a way of
looking at it? Is this dark matter part of the world that evil creator
is hiding? That's the first evidence the second is here [Click
it, its trippy]. Since there are things in this world trying to trick
us clearly there must be an antibeneficial creator, because we cannot
trust our senses. [Actually we can trust our senses. They are seeing
what is, but we cannot trust our thinking center for it is within our
brain the miscommunication lies. It is within our processing center
that the data from our senses is interpreted.] Yet even with "tricked" senses we have still been able to develop advanced mathematics and complex physics. If all there were was a malefactor creator then we shouldn't be able to develop anything thing. For it seems to me that if one were trying to keep us confused why have anything work at all. If you were trying to spawn frustration, why allow success? Thus the world we see, we may assume is
real, at least the 4% we can see, as far as we can tell. But we have
no guarantee that the input on our senses is as we are interpreting
it.
However, let us also consider the abundance of these optical illusions. Dreams are real and fairly common, but often they are quickly forgotten, and also often they never to appear quite as life like as "actual sensory experience." So in most cases we have a way of telling them apart. With optical illusions we are often able to recognize what it is that is creating them. If they were the product of an evil trickster we shouldn't be able to recognize them. Moreover, optical illusions are really rather rare. In day to day life I am forced to trust what my senses are telling me (assuming 1 trust/sec) 86,400 times per day. I can go weeks, months or even years before I encounter things that make me call my senses into question. Moreover again most times when most people's senses are called into question is when they are doing things they shouldn't [drugs, alcohol, staying up much much longer than you should have] Most of the time, when you are doing the things you should your senses are behaving as you would expect. Therefore what if the things we call optical illusions are not the offspring of an all powerful evil trickster trying to deceive us but rather like a visual pun. 1 Sensory input with multiple interpretations. What if they are not "proof of something sinister," but rather a note for us to lighten up. Maybe they can be thought of as a coming from a mirthful God poking fun at our human frailties and of what we think we know is out there. But they most certainly cannot be from a crafty and malicious being because we are eventually let in on the trick--true deception it seems to me would not be so kind (unless of course all of it really is a trick and we won't be let in on it until the very end, but again why let us have so much order if that were so?). It may not actually be order, but it works, so we will roll with it and hope for the best. And maybe all that dark matter is not the sly villain concealing his plans from us, but the careful parent who doesn't teach their 2 year old about differential calculus before he knows trig, geometry, algebra, the ideas of numbers, adding subtracting, dividing, and multiplication first. I think for now I am inclined to support the later and watch the former on the Matrix.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
This one cracked me up too.
Click the title. And for reference a Fourier Transform is a messy and complicated formula for converting any function into a series of Sins and Cos. Its funny because because Fourier Transforms though proven that they will converge to any function often in actual application they are only the crudest of approximations. Therefore it is quite sad and yet quite humorous what he did to his cat. Ah yeah for over analyzing.
Wow! Such insight!
So this is pretty much the coolest comic series I have ever found! I found this particularly thought provoking. As always click the title.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Great finds from the sage Macgyver
Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
followers.
One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
followers.
One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
F U cn rd ths u r trbl t splng
If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
101 of the Worst Jokes You Haven't Heard
As a tribute to Marcel Marceau, because I can. Hear are 101 Jokes About Mimes. (See previous post for the article that inspired this silent barrage.)
1. What is the motto of a mime?
Mime your own business
2. What is the hardest thing for mimes to do?
Think outside the box
3. Have you heard about the invisible rope?
It was a real drag
4. Where should you be careful to step?
In a mime field.
5. Why is it so sad Mr. Marceau died?
Because a mime is a terrible thing to waste
6. Why couldn't Mr. Marceau pantomime someone's hips?
Because a waist is a terrible thing to mime.
7. What is the favorite weapon of a mime assassin?
A silencer
8. Does a mime's mother get mad at her young mime if he plays a blank tape at full volume?
9. What is Mr. Marceau's favorite line from Finding Nemo?
Mime Mime Mime!
10. What is a his favorite battle in Lord of the Rings?
the battle for Mime-as Tirth.
11. What does a mime wear on his legs?
A pair of pantomimes.
12. What is a mime's favorite book?
All Quiet on the Western Front
13. If you ran over a mime with a steam roller what would it be?
A silent film
14. What is a mime's favorite type of pen?
A bip
15. What did Einstein silently prove?
The relatedness of Mime and space.
Marceau wrote the preface to the French high wire artist Philippe Petit's 1985 book, On The High Wire.
Michael Jackson's "moonwalk" dance was inspired by Marceau's Walking Against the Wind routine
(Source Wikipedia)
16. What type of drawing program does a mime use?
A Bip map
17. Do you duplicate a mime with a mime-eograph?
18. What is a pantomimist's favorite Florida city?
Mime-mi
19. What was a famous silent TV voyage on PBS during the early 90s?
Voyage of the Mime-i (Mimi)
20. Is a pregnant mime in Jest ation?
21. What is a mime's favorite poker card?
A Joker
22. Why is Marceau's pantomime so famous?
Because it is moving.
23. What type of jokes are these?
the are an exercise in Pun-to-mime
24. If a mime kicks a bucket has he stubbed his pan-toe-mime?
25. What is a miming sheep's favorite movie?
Silence of the Lambs
26. Do two silent nickels make a mime?
27. Is the culture of silent acting when it is passed from generation to generation considered a mime (meme--its a psychology term)
28. So if the 24th letter of the Arabic alphabet were modest and silent what would it be?
A mim mime mim
29. Did you know Marcel Marceau had a photographic Mime-ory?
30. Not to be redundant but is a quiet mime, a mum mime?
31. If you wound or cripple a silent street performer have you critically mimed them?
32. If jack and the beanstalk had been a modest, dull silent mother what would he be?
A mim mime mum mom
33. Is a silent Briton a Mimey Limey?
34/35. In the early days of Disney land who was the wife of Mickey?
Mimey Mouse
(Wasn't he also the one who wore a yellow spandex suit?)
36. Is a 60 second performance a Mimet?
37. What is a silent orchestral dance piece?
A mime-uet
"Mimis are fairy-like beings of Arnhem Land in the folklore of the Indigenous Australians of northern Australia. They are described as having extremely thin and elongated bodies, so thin as to be in danger of breaking in case of a high wind. To avoid this, they usually spend most of their time living in rock crevices. They are said to have taught the Aborigines of Australia how to hunt, prepare kangaroo meat and use fire. They are like humans but they live in a different dimension. They were depicted during the freshwater period (1200 kya).
38. So if they were silent would they be Mime-is?
39. Who is a silent Egyptian philosopher of the 12th century?
Mime-onides
40. When do you not want to talk out in school?
When you are in mime school.
41. How do you act out a silent tree?
With plant-omime
42. What do you call a humorous bovine?
A cow-median.
43. If I stop telling jokes is it comic relief.
44. What do you call a German leader parody play by Shakespeare?
The Comedy of Furors
45. When do you do the comedic Heimlich maneuver?
When someone is joking
46. If a bacterium performs is all the world a stage?
47. What do you call going from a solid mime to a gas mime?
Subl-mime-ation
48. Who is Marcel Marceau's favorite character on the Drew Carry Show?
Mime
49. Who is the Greek demigod of silent trickery?
Pan-tomime
50. Its not yours its mime!
51. You be Beethoven I will be Bach! I gotta go but tomorrow please re-mime me to finish these jokes.
So tomorrow came somewhat earlier that I thought.
52. What is a famous mime's favorite bit o' junk food?
A marcel-mellow
53. What is a mime's favorite sports car?
A Marceau-rati
54. What is a mime's favorite dessert?
Marceau-pan
55. What do you call comics in the desert?
Camel-dians
56. If Marcel joins a club is he a mime-ber?
57.If he tears his pants does he Marceau it up?
58. If he gets married has he found his Marceau-l mate?
59. If in 1801 instead of John Adams Marcel Marceau took over what would it be?
The silent revolution.
60. If Marcel Marceau did a flip would that too be a silent revolution?
61. What do mime's keep around their castles?
A mute with a drawbridge
62. Why do mimes like playing the trumpet?
It has lots of mutes
63. What is a mime's favorite button on the remote?
The mute button
64. Why do mime's like sunrises?
Because the colors are often muted.
65. Does an LDS mime go to mute-ual?
66. What is a mime's favorite piece of music?
John Cage's 4:33 (Its actually 4 minutes and 33 seconds of pure silence!)
67. If Marcel took rock ore from the earth would he be a miming engineer?
68. What is a mime's favorite movie?
Re-mime-er the Titans
69. I live in a house whose walls are so thin I am constantly telling my mime neighbor to"Keep it Down over there!"
70. Can mime's play racket ball?
71. My public speaking teacher was so lousy the mime gave a better speech! (The sad part is I am only partially joking. )
72. What is a mime's favorite subject in school?
Historyionics (histrionics means acting)
73. Does an offensive mime make an ob scene?
74. Who is a mime's favorite Opera singer?
Improv-erati
75. What do you call a monkey for a mime?
An impersonaper
76. Are two mimes in bed thespians?
77. What is a mime's favorite type of fish?
A clown fish
78. What do you call a mime heaven?
Clown 9
79. What is a clown's favorite meal?
Dinty Moore Beef stooge
80. If dorsal is the opposite of ventral are there dorsaloquilists?
81. WHy did the dummy leave his Ventriloquist?
He was tired of being called a blockhead
82. The worst part about being a mime is that you can't call in sick for work. Especially not with laryngitis.
83. What is a mime's favorite old world ape?
A Buffoon
84. Why didn't the actor pass his class?
because he was understudied
85. What city has more mime's than any other?
Harlequin, NY
86. Why did the mime wear a wig?
because he was going ribald
87. When did the mime die?
At a ribald age (ripe old age)
88. What is a punster's (aka a picador's) favorite type of bird?
A Pierrot-kete
89. What do picador's set off during the Fourth of July?
Wisecrackers
90. What is a punster's favorite Pokeman?
Picador-achiu
91. Who is a comics favorite author?
Zany Grey
92. What is a punsters favorite book?
The Count of Montebank Cristo
93. Who was the pundit mugged by?
A gagster
94. What do you call it if someone steals a famous French puppet?
Taking a Punch.
a punchinello is a synonym for a punster :)
95. Marcel Marceau is a fraud. Everything he ever did was a charade!
96. God told me to take miming. He said I would see a sign.
97. Did you know Marcel Marceau was bald (He's not but...)?
Yeah I always thought he was a dupee
98. If he were a potato would he be an imitator?
99. Did the comedian choke?
No he gagged.
100. What is a comedian's favorite movie?
Gag to the future
101. So if I were to enact my puns would you be fighting the gag reflex.
Thank you I am here all week try the veal.
1. What is the motto of a mime?
Mime your own business
2. What is the hardest thing for mimes to do?
Think outside the box
3. Have you heard about the invisible rope?
It was a real drag
4. Where should you be careful to step?
In a mime field.
5. Why is it so sad Mr. Marceau died?
Because a mime is a terrible thing to waste
6. Why couldn't Mr. Marceau pantomime someone's hips?
Because a waist is a terrible thing to mime.
7. What is the favorite weapon of a mime assassin?
A silencer
8. Does a mime's mother get mad at her young mime if he plays a blank tape at full volume?
9. What is Mr. Marceau's favorite line from Finding Nemo?
Mime Mime Mime!
10. What is a his favorite battle in Lord of the Rings?
the battle for Mime-as Tirth.
11. What does a mime wear on his legs?
A pair of pantomimes.
12. What is a mime's favorite book?
All Quiet on the Western Front
13. If you ran over a mime with a steam roller what would it be?
A silent film
14. What is a mime's favorite type of pen?
A bip
15. What did Einstein silently prove?
The relatedness of Mime and space.
Marceau wrote the preface to the French high wire artist Philippe Petit's 1985 book, On The High Wire.
Michael Jackson's "moonwalk" dance was inspired by Marceau's Walking Against the Wind routine
(Source Wikipedia)
16. What type of drawing program does a mime use?
A Bip map
17. Do you duplicate a mime with a mime-eograph?
18. What is a pantomimist's favorite Florida city?
Mime-mi
19. What was a famous silent TV voyage on PBS during the early 90s?
Voyage of the Mime-i (Mimi)
20. Is a pregnant mime in Jest ation?
21. What is a mime's favorite poker card?
A Joker
22. Why is Marceau's pantomime so famous?
Because it is moving.
23. What type of jokes are these?
the are an exercise in Pun-to-mime
24. If a mime kicks a bucket has he stubbed his pan-toe-mime?
25. What is a miming sheep's favorite movie?
Silence of the Lambs
26. Do two silent nickels make a mime?
27. Is the culture of silent acting when it is passed from generation to generation considered a mime (meme--its a psychology term)
28. So if the 24th letter of the Arabic alphabet were modest and silent what would it be?
A mim mime mim
29. Did you know Marcel Marceau had a photographic Mime-ory?
30. Not to be redundant but is a quiet mime, a mum mime?
31. If you wound or cripple a silent street performer have you critically mimed them?
32. If jack and the beanstalk had been a modest, dull silent mother what would he be?
A mim mime mum mom
33. Is a silent Briton a Mimey Limey?
34/35. In the early days of Disney land who was the wife of Mickey?
Mimey Mouse
(Wasn't he also the one who wore a yellow spandex suit?)
36. Is a 60 second performance a Mimet?
37. What is a silent orchestral dance piece?
A mime-uet
"Mimis are fairy-like beings of Arnhem Land in the folklore of the Indigenous Australians of northern Australia. They are described as having extremely thin and elongated bodies, so thin as to be in danger of breaking in case of a high wind. To avoid this, they usually spend most of their time living in rock crevices. They are said to have taught the Aborigines of Australia how to hunt, prepare kangaroo meat and use fire. They are like humans but they live in a different dimension. They were depicted during the freshwater period (1200 kya).
Their name might come from the song of a Zebra Finch."
The above is from: Mimi_(folklore). (n.d.). Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Retrieved September 24, 2007, from Reference.com website: http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/Mimi_(folklore)38. So if they were silent would they be Mime-is?
39. Who is a silent Egyptian philosopher of the 12th century?
Mime-onides
40. When do you not want to talk out in school?
When you are in mime school.
41. How do you act out a silent tree?
With plant-omime
42. What do you call a humorous bovine?
A cow-median.
43. If I stop telling jokes is it comic relief.
44. What do you call a German leader parody play by Shakespeare?
The Comedy of Furors
45. When do you do the comedic Heimlich maneuver?
When someone is joking
46. If a bacterium performs is all the world a stage?
47. What do you call going from a solid mime to a gas mime?
Subl-mime-ation
48. Who is Marcel Marceau's favorite character on the Drew Carry Show?
Mime
49. Who is the Greek demigod of silent trickery?
Pan-tomime
50. Its not yours its mime!
51. You be Beethoven I will be Bach! I gotta go but tomorrow please re-mime me to finish these jokes.
So tomorrow came somewhat earlier that I thought.
52. What is a famous mime's favorite bit o' junk food?
A marcel-mellow
53. What is a mime's favorite sports car?
A Marceau-rati
54. What is a mime's favorite dessert?
Marceau-pan
55. What do you call comics in the desert?
Camel-dians
56. If Marcel joins a club is he a mime-ber?
57.If he tears his pants does he Marceau it up?
58. If he gets married has he found his Marceau-l mate?
59. If in 1801 instead of John Adams Marcel Marceau took over what would it be?
The silent revolution.
60. If Marcel Marceau did a flip would that too be a silent revolution?
61. What do mime's keep around their castles?
A mute with a drawbridge
62. Why do mimes like playing the trumpet?
It has lots of mutes
63. What is a mime's favorite button on the remote?
The mute button
64. Why do mime's like sunrises?
Because the colors are often muted.
65. Does an LDS mime go to mute-ual?
66. What is a mime's favorite piece of music?
John Cage's 4:33 (Its actually 4 minutes and 33 seconds of pure silence!)
67. If Marcel took rock ore from the earth would he be a miming engineer?
68. What is a mime's favorite movie?
Re-mime-er the Titans
69. I live in a house whose walls are so thin I am constantly telling my mime neighbor to"Keep it Down over there!"
70. Can mime's play racket ball?
71. My public speaking teacher was so lousy the mime gave a better speech! (The sad part is I am only partially joking. )
72. What is a mime's favorite subject in school?
Historyionics (histrionics means acting)
73. Does an offensive mime make an ob scene?
74. Who is a mime's favorite Opera singer?
Improv-erati
75. What do you call a monkey for a mime?
An impersonaper
76. Are two mimes in bed thespians?
77. What is a mime's favorite type of fish?
A clown fish
78. What do you call a mime heaven?
Clown 9
79. What is a clown's favorite meal?
Dinty Moore Beef stooge
80. If dorsal is the opposite of ventral are there dorsaloquilists?
81. WHy did the dummy leave his Ventriloquist?
He was tired of being called a blockhead
82. The worst part about being a mime is that you can't call in sick for work. Especially not with laryngitis.
83. What is a mime's favorite old world ape?
A Buffoon
84. Why didn't the actor pass his class?
because he was understudied
85. What city has more mime's than any other?
Harlequin, NY
86. Why did the mime wear a wig?
because he was going ribald
87. When did the mime die?
At a ribald age (ripe old age)
88. What is a punster's (aka a picador's) favorite type of bird?
A Pierrot-kete
89. What do picador's set off during the Fourth of July?
Wisecrackers
90. What is a punster's favorite Pokeman?
Picador-achiu
91. Who is a comics favorite author?
Zany Grey
92. What is a punsters favorite book?
The Count of Montebank Cristo
93. Who was the pundit mugged by?
A gagster
94. What do you call it if someone steals a famous French puppet?
Taking a Punch.
a punchinello is a synonym for a punster :)
95. Marcel Marceau is a fraud. Everything he ever did was a charade!
96. God told me to take miming. He said I would see a sign.
97. Did you know Marcel Marceau was bald (He's not but...)?
Yeah I always thought he was a dupee
98. If he were a potato would he be an imitator?
99. Did the comedian choke?
No he gagged.
100. What is a comedian's favorite movie?
Gag to the future
101. So if I were to enact my puns would you be fighting the gag reflex.
Thank you I am here all week try the veal.
HOLY CRAP!!!
Click the title for today's eye opening moment of depression. People this is from the Washington Post, not some biased liberal quack pot publication--the WASHINGTON POST! If this article is not a call to action that something--anything, anything but this should be done then I really don't know what is! But hey its just money right?
A moment of silence.
[Click the title] I am speechless. I don't know what to say. There just aren't words for this. A mime is such a terrible thing to waste. He must have died walking through a mime field. So while he is in heaven will the angels really be playing harps or just pantomiming it? Alas enough of the fun and games for now. Good Luck Marceau.
What the?
Overheard [While in a rainstorm] :
"Why are you holding your umbrella like that?"
"I don't want to get it wet"
"!?!"
"Why are you holding your umbrella like that?"
"I don't want to get it wet"
"!?!"
Saturday, September 22, 2007
The excellent things I have learned while taking SCUBA.
So I have been taking a SCUBA [Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus] class. I am posting because the book has some amazing sources of insight. Such as:
You should take an underwater flashlight just in case there is an
unexpected underwater solar eclipse.
So today we are learning about Nitrogen
Narcosis. Basically it is a condition that can happen while diving
that causes the diver to loose touch with reality. The example the
instructor gave was a gentleman who went off swimming after fish
trying to offer them his regulator. He was working under the logic
that "fish need oxygen too!"
In skin diving you will use all of your SCUBA equipment, except for the SCUBA unit.
And most importantly don't ever breathe air that tastes bad. And while I am at it I should mention that you should only get air from reputable dealers. No Air Can Be Bad!
Through SCUBA I am even learning some very important life lessons: If it is very pretty, or very ugly or it doesn't flee from you don't touch it.
That's all for today. Stay tuned for future posts of diver enlightenment.
You should take an underwater flashlight just in case there is an
unexpected underwater solar eclipse.
So today we are learning about Nitrogen
Narcosis. Basically it is a condition that can happen while diving
that causes the diver to loose touch with reality. The example the
instructor gave was a gentleman who went off swimming after fish
trying to offer them his regulator. He was working under the logic
that "fish need oxygen too!"
In skin diving you will use all of your SCUBA equipment, except for the SCUBA unit.
And most importantly don't ever breathe air that tastes bad. And while I am at it I should mention that you should only get air from reputable dealers. No Air Can Be Bad!
Through SCUBA I am even learning some very important life lessons: If it is very pretty, or very ugly or it doesn't flee from you don't touch it.
If taken out of the context of SCUBA and applied to dating that fairly well sums up many of my experiences.
Don't drink and dive. Drunk diving can kill.
Don't drink and dive. Drunk diving can kill.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
That's Cool--Bwa Ha Ha Ha!
Your results:
You are Mr. Freeze
Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz
You are Mr. Freeze
| You are cold and you think everyone else should be also, literally. |
Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Take bets on how he dies?
So for anyone who is actually listening--Please click today's title and send comments about how this guy dies.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Boom's Bet
Boom's Bet: A binomial expansion of Blaise Pascal's wager.
So the gist of Pascal's wager is that there is either a god or there isn't a god. And given that choice you can either choose to believe in a god or not to believe in a god. Basically he suggests there are four possibilities:
Thus Pascal suggests that it is a better bet, regardless of what actually is, to believe in a God. If you are right you stand to gain an infinite amount, but if you believe in a God and you are wrong--you really haven't lost much. As opposed to the alternative where you have nothing to gain. I have herein sought to expand upon this idea and explore the notion, "Well, how many gods should I then believe in 1,2, infinitely many?" Let us suppose that to get into heaven is dependent upon not ticking off the God/Gods. Also assuming that heaven is heaven regardless of how many Gods there are. We will call this value C this then makes heaven a constant and the expected value of a reward of C [f(C)] is the probability of not ticking off a God [1-f(C)] times the reward C.
Thus if we believe that there is no God then there is no chance of reward thus 0 times C = 0. However, if we believed that there is one God then the probability of reward is [n!/k!(n-k)!]x^(n-k)(1-x)^k. {Its the binomial expansion theorem. If you have suddenly just panicked, click the title, it will take you to an article that might help.} Where n is the number of ways of not ticking off one or more gods. k is the number of possible actions. n-k is the total number of ways of ticking off one or more Gods. x is the probability that he is ticked off 1-x is the probability he is not ticked off. Since we do not know these probabilities we will assume the worst and say that it is 50/50 (there is actually a mathematical proof that this is the best/worst scenario, but the proof is left as an excercise for the reader.) So if there is one God I have 1 way of not ticking him off. Do what is asked. Since he has only given us a finite number of commandments, regardless of religion there can only be a finite number of ways we can tick him/her/it off. Thus one over a finite number times is a finite number p. Now if there were two Gods I could tick off one and thus not get into heaven. I could tick off the other and not get in, or I could tick off both with the same result. The only way I would be assured of getting in is if I didn't tick off either. Thus I have 1 way of not ticking off two gods and three ways of doing so. Thus our probability is is 1/4. If we assume that there are three Gods, Gods A,B, and C. I could tick off A, B, C, or AB but not C, A&C, but not B, B&C, but not A or all three. Thus there are 6 ways I can not get the reward, but again only one way that I can by not ticking off AB or C. Thus our probability is 1/8 We can see a pattern emerging the probability of not ticking off a god is at worst 1/2^n again where n is equal to the number of gods. It is actually P^n where p is the actual probability of not ticking off a God, but the point is clear the more Gods there are the less chance of actually being able to please them all. Therefore, the optimal belief, regardless of how many Gods there are is 1 because 0 has a 100% probability of no reward and any number greater than 1 the probability only diminishes. Ergo it is safest to believe that there is only one God. There are some problems with this. 1. This does not prove that there IS only one God, only that it is the safest bet to believe that there is only one God. It is also confounded by the fact that multiple Gods could have the same "Standards" and by pleasing one you have pleased the others, e.g. I have assumed that not ticking off one God was independent of not ticking off another. But nonetheless I still find the idea interesting.
So the gist of Pascal's wager is that there is either a god or there isn't a god. And given that choice you can either choose to believe in a god or not to believe in a god. Basically he suggests there are four possibilities:
| | There is a God. | There is not a God. |
| You believe there is a God. | Infinite reward. | You have lived well and have not lost much. Score: + some. . |
| You do not believe there is a God. | You have angered God. You loose. Minus infinity. | No loss, no gain. Score: + 0. |
Thus Pascal suggests that it is a better bet, regardless of what actually is, to believe in a God. If you are right you stand to gain an infinite amount, but if you believe in a God and you are wrong--you really haven't lost much. As opposed to the alternative where you have nothing to gain. I have herein sought to expand upon this idea and explore the notion, "Well, how many gods should I then believe in 1,2, infinitely many?" Let us suppose that to get into heaven is dependent upon not ticking off the God/Gods. Also assuming that heaven is heaven regardless of how many Gods there are. We will call this value C this then makes heaven a constant and the expected value of a reward of C [f(C)] is the probability of not ticking off a God [1-f(C)] times the reward C.
Thus if we believe that there is no God then there is no chance of reward thus 0 times C = 0. However, if we believed that there is one God then the probability of reward is [n!/k!(n-k)!]x^(n-k)(1-x)^k. {Its the binomial expansion theorem. If you have suddenly just panicked, click the title, it will take you to an article that might help.} Where n is the number of ways of not ticking off one or more gods. k is the number of possible actions. n-k is the total number of ways of ticking off one or more Gods. x is the probability that he is ticked off 1-x is the probability he is not ticked off. Since we do not know these probabilities we will assume the worst and say that it is 50/50 (there is actually a mathematical proof that this is the best/worst scenario, but the proof is left as an excercise for the reader.) So if there is one God I have 1 way of not ticking him off. Do what is asked. Since he has only given us a finite number of commandments, regardless of religion there can only be a finite number of ways we can tick him/her/it off. Thus one over a finite number times is a finite number p. Now if there were two Gods I could tick off one and thus not get into heaven. I could tick off the other and not get in, or I could tick off both with the same result. The only way I would be assured of getting in is if I didn't tick off either. Thus I have 1 way of not ticking off two gods and three ways of doing so. Thus our probability is is 1/4. If we assume that there are three Gods, Gods A,B, and C. I could tick off A, B, C, or AB but not C, A&C, but not B, B&C, but not A or all three. Thus there are 6 ways I can not get the reward, but again only one way that I can by not ticking off AB or C. Thus our probability is 1/8 We can see a pattern emerging the probability of not ticking off a god is at worst 1/2^n again where n is equal to the number of gods. It is actually P^n where p is the actual probability of not ticking off a God, but the point is clear the more Gods there are the less chance of actually being able to please them all. Therefore, the optimal belief, regardless of how many Gods there are is 1 because 0 has a 100% probability of no reward and any number greater than 1 the probability only diminishes. Ergo it is safest to believe that there is only one God. There are some problems with this. 1. This does not prove that there IS only one God, only that it is the safest bet to believe that there is only one God. It is also confounded by the fact that multiple Gods could have the same "Standards" and by pleasing one you have pleased the others, e.g. I have assumed that not ticking off one God was independent of not ticking off another. But nonetheless I still find the idea interesting.
Assortid
The sorting hat says that I belong in Ravenclaw!
<
Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose intelligence is surest."
Ravenclaw students tend to be clever, witty, intelligent, and knowledgeable.
Notable residents include Cho Chang and Padma Patil (objects of Harry and Ron's affections), and Luna Lovegood (daughter of The Quibbler magazine's editor).
Take the most scientific Harry Potter
Quiz ever created.
So apparently I am the above with a 92. Seems to Suit me. Second place was Gryffindor with an 89. Third I am Huffle Puff at 74. And I am only 57% Siltheran. :)
Friday, September 14, 2007
Overheard from a math professor...
There are two types of equations: bananas and non-bananas. Right now we can only solve the non-banana equations.--Enrique
Thursday, September 13, 2007
So while you wait...
So while all you lovely people wait patiently by while I try to fix the sound on my skydiving video, I thought you might enjoy this:
Your results:
You are Spider-Man
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test
(Or if you don't want to click there clicking the title will also do it.)
Your results:
You are Spider-Man
| You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.  |
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test
(Or if you don't want to click there clicking the title will also do it.)
It has arrived!!
So here it is at long last. This is the video of me falling out of a plane. I am currently having some technical difficulties with the sound, but I assure you it will be fixed in future postings. For now enjoy my unbridled enthusiasm with this colorized silent film. And Because I can I'll give you a play by play--running commentary if you will.
So it starts with the people at SkyDive Utah showing off their stuff and few girls showing their stuff too. Alas, those aren't me I have somewhat less grace than they do.
They actually edited som of the first part. They asked me what I was up to--I told them 13,500 feet. And of course I offered the salutations of love toward my parents and friends.
As for diving out of the plane it is unbelievable how much wind is blowing at you while you are falling at 125 miles per hour. You can see the effects that much air has on your face. It really doesn't feel like you are falling but more like you are flying. The ground seems to stay there and you don't really notice that it is getting really close. The strangest sensation is to look up and see the camera guy just floating there amid the clouds. Then Fish (the big South African controlling the shute) pulls the chord (actually a bright blue golf ball) and it is like someone very large sneaking up on you and suddenly lifting you by the seat of your pants. Once we deployed, he asks me if I wanted to control the shute. If you pull on the left side it spins left then we pulled the right side and it spun hardcore. Upon landing when you see the Earth it is a natural instinct to want to walk. Don't. Earth is a very large object. It hurts when you collide with it. so we slid.
Some things not mentioned on the video are 1. There is a 2 page waiver that in and of itself is quite frightening. Its list EVERY possible way you can die by doing this sport. 2. The training. More about that later. and 3. The things you can hit. More about those later too. For now ciao! More Later I promise.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
And its sequal
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
wear white socks.
Also found on Macgyver.com
Quote and link of the while
Quote "They are only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!"
For the link click the title and hit refresh periodically--great fun.
For the link click the title and hit refresh periodically--great fun.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
So I would just like to brag...
So, OVER the Labor Day Weekend I went diving. But wait, was that SCUBA diving or skydiving. It was both. I spent the first part of the day under water and the last part falling out of a plane. [Video of goodness to come.] And my ears still haven't fully figured out which altitude I am at, but oh well so worth it. I'll describe what it was like in a play by play commentary on the video that is yet to come, but for now I just wanted to brag. Nah na :P {Sorry about that, I couldn't contain myself.}
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Another D'Oh! of the Day..
Today's D'Oh! of the Day is brought to you by Fark.com. As always click the link to find articles of goodness.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
World Take Notice!
Coming soon from the most amazing author anyone has ever met Shaunna Goldberry. Her latest book, appearing soon on Amazon.com. Its called the Wedding Dress Maker, it involves romance, vernal utah, a cross-dressing garbage collector, environmental degradation and aliens. Honestly, who can ask for anything more amazing than that. Everyone should order it, I everyone Everyone knows should order it too, and pick up a few copies for your friends too while you at it.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Stupidity strikes again
So to quote from my friend's blog, who is in turn quoting from Einstein: There are only two things in the universe that are infinite, the universe and stupidity, and I am not sure about the universe. To see why I posted this click the title. It links to an epic piece of stupidity.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Ahh Home.
http://picasaweb.google.com/ErinEvensen/CampSteiner?authkey=VxCWCk04WQ8
Home. What more can I say? [P.S.] this is one of those links where you click the title. It will take you to the above address
Home. What more can I say? [P.S.] this is one of those links where you click the title. It will take you to the above address
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A Tribute to the Wonderful 2007 Camp Steiner Staff
101 2007 Steiner Staff Puns
Happy 77th year Steiner. As always I am dreadfully sorry if any of these offend, I promise it is not my intent.
1. The best part about camping is that it is intents (intense)!
2. If the week before scouts arrive were held for long necked mammals would it be Giraffe week?
3. If Robert gets a pet insect, would it be an adamant?
4. If Mr. Adams took from a bank would he have Rob-bed it?
5. Why is Darth Pike such a good archer?
Because he is an excellent Bohman
6. What do you call puns that keep returning?
A Boom-erang
7. What do you call it when I worked at shotgun?
A Big Boom
8. Why do I get to tell papers outlining what goes on what to do?
Because I am the Program Director
9. If this were instead a Russian work camp, what would I be?
The Progoram Director
10. What is Mrs. Bullough's favorite skit?
The Kingie, the Queenie, and the Katie
11. What small furry rodent is where Mike is from?
New Hampster
12. What small furry mammal lives in the trading post?
A Wolverine
13. If Kayla were the line used to create a hyperbola what would she be?
The handicraft directrix
14. IF Kayla could have her way, if she died would she be buried in a grave-y?
15. If Mike sat down would there be peas on Earth?
16. If Braden played poker would he be a card dealer?
17. If he played with potatoes would he be Peeler?
18. If Mr. Degraw sold womens apparel would he be a drag dealer? (sorry Braden :)
19. What is Mr. Eastman's favorite pinneped?
The bearded seal
20. If Jeremy disappeared, what would it be?
An ordinary week. But he might be called a Roo-dini
21. What do you call a soup made from Jeremys?
A Roo
22. If Jeremy went into the cleaning business what would it be?
A Roo-to Rooter
23. What do you call a pure silver wombat?
Tiffany
24. What is Mr. Evensen's favorite book?
Arthur
24. If Arthur impersonated Elvis would he still be the King?
25. If Arthur becomes senior staff will he get to carry a walkie Talkachin
26. Since he works a lot down in archery, what should his leadership course really be known as?
Knock-ashin
27. What is Erin's favorite Wyoming town?
Evensen (Sorry Erin)
28. Why does Erin like the night?
She likes star parties, and because she is Knock-ternal
29. What are her favorite jokes?
Knock Knock Jokes
30. What would you get if you mixed an archer with a gun?
You would Knock and Load
31. What would Tiny be teaching if he burned down the camp?
Pyro-mental Science?
32. Where do counselors in training live?
In the big CIT (City)
33. If Spencer hits someone with the bolt of a gun, what is it?
A disciplinary action
34. Why does Angie do Bobo?
She finds it apeeling
35. What doe she use to clean it up?
A bandana
36. If either Cat or Reid got punched, would the Halls be decked?
37. What do you get if you cross a cow with a Cat?
Mudder Nature
38. What do you get if you teach Soil and Water with a metal disk?
Soil and Water Gong-servation
39. What is the person who teaches Soil and Water's favorite musical variety show?
Soil Train
40. What is a Cat's favorite skit?
The Kinglin, the Queenlin, and the Caitlin
41. Is a sleeping Caitlin Cat-atonic?
42. If Mr. Hall's son doesn't eat will he be a Nathin?
43. Who is the tallest staff member?
Mount Everett
44. If Everett made a mess would it be a SPL (Spill)?
45. If William Cullins Byrant WROTE about a mini Hall would it be Nathanatosis?
46. How did our SPL live?
Happily Everetter
47. Why does Brian look so happy?
Because he always has a blast
48. If he writes a book, what will it be?
The Book of James
49. If Chief Rocket Foot writes a book what will it be?
The book of Daniel
50. Where does Brian sit in a car?
Shotgun
51. If water came out fo shooting sports ear protection what would this be?
Wednesday, but it might be called Ear-igation
52. How do you protect the square root of negative one?
With i protection
53. How do you keep bottles of alcohol safe?
With beer protection
54. Why is a shotgun range like the ocean?
They both have shells
55. How do you see fishing instructors?
With a 100 Wyatt light bulb
56. If Mr. Koeven wore a pin-stripped suit, what would it be?
A zoot suit Wyatt
57. What is Mr. Koeven's favorite color?
Pure Wyatt (white)
58. If Daniel Lewis were a cook would he be chef rocket feet?
59. Who is the bravest staff member?
Mr. Lewis, he is both brave and Darren
60. If the cooks wanted to hang someone what would they be?
A lunch mob
61. If our head cook goes to Paul's Peak at 5:15am is it a LaDawn hike?
62. What scares the cooks?
63. If a movie were made about camp would LaDawn's be the movie trailer?
64. Who protects camp?
The KP-ed Crusader
65. Who is the whitest guy on staff?
The one with the most Lustyer
66. Why didn't he find that joke funny?
Because he's Ben there done that
67. If I keep making jokes about amphibians will I be sued for Salamander (slander)
68. Where do I get jokes about potty humor?
From the John
69. What is the best part about being program director?
The paperwork
70. What is a book written by Garth Nix about E. Prep?
Sabrinal (Sabriel)
71. Who on staff has a parade named after them/
Mrs. Massey's
72. If Mrs. Massey were immersed in salt would she be Sa-brine-a
73. If she like pain is she a Sabrina Masey-cist?
74. If Mr. McCrae were on woodbadge, which patrol would he be in?
The Al Patrol
75. If Al goes to McDonald's does he order aMcCraeFish sandwich
76. If Amy were unconscious would she be a head Coma-issioner?
77. If Amy were a pirate would she be a Comission-AAARH!!!
78. IF Scott makes a comission he gets a percentage of ascent
79. The walkie talkies accidently got baked into breakfast. They are now HAM radios.
80. If Jeremy and the Orienteering guy merged they would be an AND ROO
81. What do you call orienteering doodles?
Andrews
82. What does Mrs. Nielson wear on her feet?
Jill Insoles
83. What is her least favorite candy?
The Jilly Bean
84. What is Mrs. Nielson most afraid of in the water?
Electric Jills (eels)
85. If Mr. Padia talks back is it a Tex return?
86. IF he gets arrested is he put into a Padia wagon?
87. How does Tex keep his stuff safe?
With a Padia lock
88. Are codes from Daniel a Tex messages?
89. Are Sabrina's back rubs a Tex massage?
90. Whose name do Pentecostal Steiner staffers shout?
Syhallalejah!
91. Is the Pope Catholic?
As a matter of fact, No!
92. What should pioneering really be called?
Pope's ropes
93. What do you call people who incessantly take pictures of Taylor?
The Pope-ratzzi
94. What is Taylor's favorite pizza topping?
Pope-roni
95. What does Taylor drive?
The Pope-mobile
96. If the waterfront direct were a pirate would he be J ARRGH!?
97. How much can JR's wife hold?
As much as she can Carrie
98. What does Alisha drive?
A Pruess
99. What is Beaker's favorite Monte Python line?
What is your Quist?
100. What is his favorite drink?
Sun Quist
101. What is Mr. Quist's favorite book?
Beaker for the Dead
102. What is Fabio's favorite TV show?
103. What is Roger's Son's favorite place to camp (other than Steiner of course)?
Bryce Canyon
104. What does Zach invest in?
Stocks
105. What is Wes's favorite fish?
A pike?
106. What happens if he is fired?
He will have his head on a pike
107. What is the tallest peak in Germanada?
Pike's Peak
108. If Spencer and Amanda ran the place would they be Tegen over?
109. If Pineapple had a twin would they be the Warner Brothers? (sorry)
110. IF pineapple taught geology would he deal with weathering?
111. What mug are we?
Camp Steiner
112. Why are we so cool?
Because Steiner Rocks. All 150 billion of them. (But according to one scoutmaster there are too many rocks at Steiner.)
Happy 77th year Steiner. As always I am dreadfully sorry if any of these offend, I promise it is not my intent.
1. The best part about camping is that it is intents (intense)!
2. If the week before scouts arrive were held for long necked mammals would it be Giraffe week?
3. If Robert gets a pet insect, would it be an adamant?
4. If Mr. Adams took from a bank would he have Rob-bed it?
5. Why is Darth Pike such a good archer?
Because he is an excellent Bohman
6. What do you call puns that keep returning?
A Boom-erang
7. What do you call it when I worked at shotgun?
A Big Boom
8. Why do I get to tell papers outlining what goes on what to do?
Because I am the Program Director
9. If this were instead a Russian work camp, what would I be?
The Progoram Director
10. What is Mrs. Bullough's favorite skit?
The Kingie, the Queenie, and the Katie
11. What small furry rodent is where Mike is from?
New Hampster
12. What small furry mammal lives in the trading post?
A Wolverine
13. If Kayla were the line used to create a hyperbola what would she be?
The handicraft directrix
14. IF Kayla could have her way, if she died would she be buried in a grave-y?
15. If Mike sat down would there be peas on Earth?
16. If Braden played poker would he be a card dealer?
17. If he played with potatoes would he be Peeler?
18. If Mr. Degraw sold womens apparel would he be a drag dealer? (sorry Braden :)
19. What is Mr. Eastman's favorite pinneped?
The bearded seal
20. If Jeremy disappeared, what would it be?
An ordinary week. But he might be called a Roo-dini
21. What do you call a soup made from Jeremys?
A Roo
22. If Jeremy went into the cleaning business what would it be?
A Roo-to Rooter
23. What do you call a pure silver wombat?
Tiffany
24. What is Mr. Evensen's favorite book?
Arthur
24. If Arthur impersonated Elvis would he still be the King?
25. If Arthur becomes senior staff will he get to carry a walkie Talkachin
26. Since he works a lot down in archery, what should his leadership course really be known as?
Knock-ashin
27. What is Erin's favorite Wyoming town?
Evensen (Sorry Erin)
28. Why does Erin like the night?
She likes star parties, and because she is Knock-ternal
29. What are her favorite jokes?
Knock Knock Jokes
30. What would you get if you mixed an archer with a gun?
You would Knock and Load
31. What would Tiny be teaching if he burned down the camp?
Pyro-mental Science?
32. Where do counselors in training live?
In the big CIT (City)
33. If Spencer hits someone with the bolt of a gun, what is it?
A disciplinary action
34. Why does Angie do Bobo?
She finds it apeeling
35. What doe she use to clean it up?
A bandana
36. If either Cat or Reid got punched, would the Halls be decked?
37. What do you get if you cross a cow with a Cat?
Mudder Nature
38. What do you get if you teach Soil and Water with a metal disk?
Soil and Water Gong-servation
39. What is the person who teaches Soil and Water's favorite musical variety show?
Soil Train
40. What is a Cat's favorite skit?
The Kinglin, the Queenlin, and the Caitlin
41. Is a sleeping Caitlin Cat-atonic?
42. If Mr. Hall's son doesn't eat will he be a Nathin?
43. Who is the tallest staff member?
Mount Everett
44. If Everett made a mess would it be a SPL (Spill)?
45. If William Cullins Byrant WROTE about a mini Hall would it be Nathanatosis?
46. How did our SPL live?
Happily Everetter
47. Why does Brian look so happy?
Because he always has a blast
48. If he writes a book, what will it be?
The Book of James
49. If Chief Rocket Foot writes a book what will it be?
The book of Daniel
50. Where does Brian sit in a car?
Shotgun
51. If water came out fo shooting sports ear protection what would this be?
Wednesday, but it might be called Ear-igation
52. How do you protect the square root of negative one?
With i protection
53. How do you keep bottles of alcohol safe?
With beer protection
54. Why is a shotgun range like the ocean?
They both have shells
55. How do you see fishing instructors?
With a 100 Wyatt light bulb
56. If Mr. Koeven wore a pin-stripped suit, what would it be?
A zoot suit Wyatt
57. What is Mr. Koeven's favorite color?
Pure Wyatt (white)
58. If Daniel Lewis were a cook would he be chef rocket feet?
59. Who is the bravest staff member?
Mr. Lewis, he is both brave and Darren
60. If the cooks wanted to hang someone what would they be?
A lunch mob
61. If our head cook goes to Paul's Peak at 5:15am is it a LaDawn hike?
62. What scares the cooks?
63. If a movie were made about camp would LaDawn's be the movie trailer?
64. Who protects camp?
The KP-ed Crusader
65. Who is the whitest guy on staff?
The one with the most Lustyer
66. Why didn't he find that joke funny?
Because he's Ben there done that
67. If I keep making jokes about amphibians will I be sued for Salamander (slander)
68. Where do I get jokes about potty humor?
From the John
69. What is the best part about being program director?
The paperwork
70. What is a book written by Garth Nix about E. Prep?
Sabrinal (Sabriel)
71. Who on staff has a parade named after them/
Mrs. Massey's
72. If Mrs. Massey were immersed in salt would she be Sa-brine-a
73. If she like pain is she a Sabrina Masey-cist?
74. If Mr. McCrae were on woodbadge, which patrol would he be in?
The Al Patrol
75. If Al goes to McDonald's does he order aMcCraeFish sandwich
76. If Amy were unconscious would she be a head Coma-issioner?
77. If Amy were a pirate would she be a Comission-AAARH!!!
78. IF Scott makes a comission he gets a percentage of ascent
79. The walkie talkies accidently got baked into breakfast. They are now HAM radios.
80. If Jeremy and the Orienteering guy merged they would be an AND ROO
81. What do you call orienteering doodles?
Andrews
82. What does Mrs. Nielson wear on her feet?
Jill Insoles
83. What is her least favorite candy?
The Jilly Bean
84. What is Mrs. Nielson most afraid of in the water?
Electric Jills (eels)
85. If Mr. Padia talks back is it a Tex return?
86. IF he gets arrested is he put into a Padia wagon?
87. How does Tex keep his stuff safe?
With a Padia lock
88. Are codes from Daniel a Tex messages?
89. Are Sabrina's back rubs a Tex massage?
90. Whose name do Pentecostal Steiner staffers shout?
Syhallalejah!
91. Is the Pope Catholic?
As a matter of fact, No!
92. What should pioneering really be called?
Pope's ropes
93. What do you call people who incessantly take pictures of Taylor?
The Pope-ratzzi
94. What is Taylor's favorite pizza topping?
Pope-roni
95. What does Taylor drive?
The Pope-mobile
96. If the waterfront direct were a pirate would he be J ARRGH!?
97. How much can JR's wife hold?
As much as she can Carrie
98. What does Alisha drive?
A Pruess
99. What is Beaker's favorite Monte Python line?
What is your Quist?
100. What is his favorite drink?
Sun Quist
101. What is Mr. Quist's favorite book?
Beaker for the Dead
102. What is Fabio's favorite TV show?
103. What is Roger's Son's favorite place to camp (other than Steiner of course)?
Bryce Canyon
104. What does Zach invest in?
Stocks
105. What is Wes's favorite fish?
A pike?
106. What happens if he is fired?
He will have his head on a pike
107. What is the tallest peak in Germanada?
Pike's Peak
108. If Spencer and Amanda ran the place would they be Tegen over?
109. If Pineapple had a twin would they be the Warner Brothers? (sorry)
110. IF pineapple taught geology would he deal with weathering?
111. What mug are we?
Camp Steiner
112. Why are we so cool?
Because Steiner Rocks. All 150 billion of them. (But according to one scoutmaster there are too many rocks at Steiner.)
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Strike while the Irony is hot
So as my previous post mentioned, I have been an LDS member for four weeks now. In that time I have noticed a few things I find very ironic. The first is that to get into temples you need a temple recomend, which is now being made into a barcode. Price check on worthiness, price check on worthiness. God loves all of his creations, especially member number 101110110. Oh Mr. Smith I am sorry your salvation was declined please try again. Ladies and gentlemen we regret to inform you, but today no one will achieve salvation, our computers are down. No, perhaps it would be more apropos to say, now boarding temple recommends A-Smith, A-Smith. What if other religions did this? Catholic: I'm sorry sir I need to see your ID before you can go see father O'Malley. No Card No Confession. Pentecostal: He has a Card Brethren! Hallelujiah for He is Saved! Oh, Ma'am we don't actually fully scan cards here we only look at them. Praise the Lord! Unitarian: No mater who you are or where you are in live's journey, you are welcome here--As long as you have your card to prove it.
I can see this causing problems on wedding days. Tuxedo--Check. Bride--Check, Flowers, Ring --Check, ah crap! I left my card in my other pants! :( Or hmm, my card isn't registering it must be the High powered Tessla Coil I keep in my pocket. Do you think the church will let such things SLIDE ? If it gets stolen, is it swipped? Is this card going to be like a spiritual Totin' Chip? As long as I still have my card I am good, but I lose a corner each time I am bad. When there are no more corners then the excamunicating beat down begins? Did you ever imagine that our mortal existance might be like a Giant library for souls? Hi I am going to use my card and check out a John Boom. I'll have him back to ya in 76 years or so. Yeah Yeah that's fine, just make sure you return him in one piece otherwise there will be a fine.
Ever so Sorry. I just thought the above was rather funny. Please don't disown me yet!
I can see this causing problems on wedding days. Tuxedo--Check. Bride--Check, Flowers, Ring --Check, ah crap! I left my card in my other pants! :( Or hmm, my card isn't registering it must be the High powered Tessla Coil I keep in my pocket. Do you think the church will let such things SLIDE ? If it gets stolen, is it swipped? Is this card going to be like a spiritual Totin' Chip? As long as I still have my card I am good, but I lose a corner each time I am bad. When there are no more corners then the excamunicating beat down begins? Did you ever imagine that our mortal existance might be like a Giant library for souls? Hi I am going to use my card and check out a John Boom. I'll have him back to ya in 76 years or so. Yeah Yeah that's fine, just make sure you return him in one piece otherwise there will be a fine.
Ever so Sorry. I just thought the above was rather funny. Please don't disown me yet!
Monday, August 20, 2007
What a Crazy Summer!
So the summer started off ordinarily enough. The first few weeks I was the nature director for Camp Steiner, the highest camp in the northern hemisphere 10,400 feet. This entailed a usual progression from Doctor Seuss, to George Washington, to the Environ-Mental scientist, to a rousing round of tick off scouts day. But about mid summer things got strange. 1. I got promoted to program director. I was now the nut running the nut house. And 2. I am now a member of the LDS church. Gasp! Me. Yeaup its true. I joined the LDS church. Proof I like to read: I have been a member now for three weeks and I have read the D&C, the Book of Mormon, The Bible, Jesus the Christ, Preach my Gospel, True to the Faith, Gospel Principles, Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, The Youth pamphlets, and quite a few others. The other unusual things that happened is that we had a family of bears in camp. Oh and stay tuned more puns are forth coming. Good luck all of my new readers I hope you enjoy my personal realm of insanity.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
UPDATE!!!
So be sure to check out a few weeks ago I posted 50 cat jokes. The total is now where it should be an is officially 101. Also some of you may not have noticed but Way, way way down at the bottom is my links, games, jokes, and other stuff section. I don't know why it is clear down there and not residing at the top where it should be. And despite having some test or other tell me I am 98% Nerd I don't actually get along more than just an acquaintance basis with most computers, so if somebody could tell me how to fix that I would be much obliged. Oh yeah and if I have ever offended anyone with any of my material as alwasy that is never my intent and I do apologize in advance.
The Comedic Fabric Store
Like a comedic fabric store, I have new material. Today's topic Diversity.
I am from Utah. Bountiful, Utah to be exact. Our town is so small we just put in a streetlight people will drive by it two or three times just to stare and marvel. We are still trying to figure out what the different colors mean and how exactly it changes like that, but I think they'll learn. And contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a fairly diverse place. When I first moved here just on my block I had a choice of four different churches I could have gone to--The 1st ward, the 3rd ward or the skyview ward. Most places have a Starbucks on each block--we have a ward house. And no a Steak House is not a place where you eat. But seriously we are a pretty diverse state, but have you ever noticed all of the LDS kids when they turn 19 they all change their name to Elder so weird. And as I have been saying Utah is a diverse place, we have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in green shirts mormons in blue shirts and an lot of mormons in black jackets with white shirts, and they all seem to cary weird little purses with books and highlighters in them. I think I was in colledge before I really hung out with a black kid--It was in my advanced calculus class. At first I didn't realize he was talking to me. I thought he was talking to my pet--then I realized I didn't have a pet. He kept calling me Dog which threw me off. I got to talking to him and gradually I realized he was Homey Schooled. This gentleman was kind enough to give me some pointers on the finer points of comedy. He said I needed to keep it real--So I said, I was assigned 5 problems of Differential equations with a side of statistics research and a bit of Abstract Linear Algebra all due by five. No one laughed. Aparently I was keeping it a little too real. The African American gentleman said I should throw some colorful language into the mix you know drop the F bomb a few times, throw in a few four letter words, be liberal with the S word thickly apply the N word, things like that. So to liven things up a bit I thought I would take his advice. Though before I would use the F bomb I wanted to know its caloric energetic output and how it compared thermally with other such bombs as the H bomb Q bomb and other devices. He just rolled his eyes at me. I being the gentlemen I was picked them up and rolled them back. I tried adding more color. " I was gazing up at the Cyan {0,0,1} hued sky it was marvellous." I evend used the colorful F and N words as he described them. Wow, dog, did you see that Fuschia shirt on that girl--it looked really Neat! He was shaking his head--he could believe I had used the F word, a four letter word and an N word in one sentence. I thought I would try another. Man, I really like Math! As soon as I had uttered that the room fell silent everyone was in shock that I had dropped a four letter word again. I decied I would use a compound four letterer Homework! If I kept up my blue streak, soon I would be making sailors blush. Needless to say my comedy act failed like a senior in math 950. I was so demorallized I decided I would go hiking. Just a short walk 34.03 km according to my pedometer and survey grade GPS I bring treking. For those of you for whom klingon and kliometer are roughly the same thing to me a light hike is about 3.403x10^7 cm or something near 3.4x10^lots in femtometers. Al right alright enough of the metric just give it too use in easy units we can understand. I hiked about 1.095x10^-10 % of a parsec! or about 110,8880 feet, 36,960 cubits, 18,480 rods 1,680 chains, quite few furlongs a number of fathoms and something near 21 miles. I once also calculated that I have with two decimal places exactly 3.24 friends. But as I started out saying Utah has plenty of diversity. It was just yesterday I saw a guy smoking in the health food store. We have all sorts of culture. Every year my town holds an exotic arts and crafts festival show casing the work of people in far off lands--like Florida. And speaking of culture most of it is in the microbiology department. Just yesterday I saw a paramecium cultivating a human. And just the other day the associate provost was saying that he wanted there to be more color in the Microbiology department--the staff all tye died their lab coats. All this talk of science brings up an interesting point. With all of the latest development in stem cell research and cloning, what are Your Mamma jokes going to be like in 50 to 100 years? Your mamma is so glass you can see right through her. Your needle and petri dish are so fat the scientists let you incubate for 4 weeks before they took you off. That is definately a job you don't want to have when you are 90. Yeah palsey while being a surgeon--its not a good combination. And speaking of people getting older Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu you know you have forgot this before. Speaking of getting older, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home? Good night Good Luck! And try the veal!
I am from Utah. Bountiful, Utah to be exact. Our town is so small we just put in a streetlight people will drive by it two or three times just to stare and marvel. We are still trying to figure out what the different colors mean and how exactly it changes like that, but I think they'll learn. And contrary to popular opinion Utah is actually a fairly diverse place. When I first moved here just on my block I had a choice of four different churches I could have gone to--The 1st ward, the 3rd ward or the skyview ward. Most places have a Starbucks on each block--we have a ward house. And no a Steak House is not a place where you eat. But seriously we are a pretty diverse state, but have you ever noticed all of the LDS kids when they turn 19 they all change their name to Elder so weird. And as I have been saying Utah is a diverse place, we have Mormons in red shirts, Mormons in green shirts mormons in blue shirts and an lot of mormons in black jackets with white shirts, and they all seem to cary weird little purses with books and highlighters in them. I think I was in colledge before I really hung out with a black kid--It was in my advanced calculus class. At first I didn't realize he was talking to me. I thought he was talking to my pet--then I realized I didn't have a pet. He kept calling me Dog which threw me off. I got to talking to him and gradually I realized he was Homey Schooled. This gentleman was kind enough to give me some pointers on the finer points of comedy. He said I needed to keep it real--So I said, I was assigned 5 problems of Differential equations with a side of statistics research and a bit of Abstract Linear Algebra all due by five. No one laughed. Aparently I was keeping it a little too real. The African American gentleman said I should throw some colorful language into the mix you know drop the F bomb a few times, throw in a few four letter words, be liberal with the S word thickly apply the N word, things like that. So to liven things up a bit I thought I would take his advice. Though before I would use the F bomb I wanted to know its caloric energetic output and how it compared thermally with other such bombs as the H bomb Q bomb and other devices. He just rolled his eyes at me. I being the gentlemen I was picked them up and rolled them back. I tried adding more color. " I was gazing up at the Cyan {0,0,1} hued sky it was marvellous." I evend used the colorful F and N words as he described them. Wow, dog, did you see that Fuschia shirt on that girl--it looked really Neat! He was shaking his head--he could believe I had used the F word, a four letter word and an N word in one sentence. I thought I would try another. Man, I really like Math! As soon as I had uttered that the room fell silent everyone was in shock that I had dropped a four letter word again. I decied I would use a compound four letterer Homework! If I kept up my blue streak, soon I would be making sailors blush. Needless to say my comedy act failed like a senior in math 950. I was so demorallized I decided I would go hiking. Just a short walk 34.03 km according to my pedometer and survey grade GPS I bring treking. For those of you for whom klingon and kliometer are roughly the same thing to me a light hike is about 3.403x10^7 cm or something near 3.4x10^lots in femtometers. Al right alright enough of the metric just give it too use in easy units we can understand. I hiked about 1.095x10^-10 % of a parsec! or about 110,8880 feet, 36,960 cubits, 18,480 rods 1,680 chains, quite few furlongs a number of fathoms and something near 21 miles. I once also calculated that I have with two decimal places exactly 3.24 friends. But as I started out saying Utah has plenty of diversity. It was just yesterday I saw a guy smoking in the health food store. We have all sorts of culture. Every year my town holds an exotic arts and crafts festival show casing the work of people in far off lands--like Florida. And speaking of culture most of it is in the microbiology department. Just yesterday I saw a paramecium cultivating a human. And just the other day the associate provost was saying that he wanted there to be more color in the Microbiology department--the staff all tye died their lab coats. All this talk of science brings up an interesting point. With all of the latest development in stem cell research and cloning, what are Your Mamma jokes going to be like in 50 to 100 years? Your mamma is so glass you can see right through her. Your needle and petri dish are so fat the scientists let you incubate for 4 weeks before they took you off. That is definately a job you don't want to have when you are 90. Yeah palsey while being a surgeon--its not a good combination. And speaking of people getting older Alzheimer's is a lot like amnesia vu you know you have forgot this before. Speaking of getting older, if babies nurse, then what the heck is going on in a nursing home? Good night Good Luck! And try the veal!
Monday, May 14, 2007
Like sausages...
http://mylifebygogogoff.blogspot.com/ and boomsblog.blogspot.com are linked (click title for link)
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Ye Ol Union O Concernede Scientists
For any one who has at least a shred of common decency and is concerned with something other than filling their pocket book the following links you MUST visit.
http://www.ucsusa.org/scientific_integrity/interference/a-to-z-guide-to-political.html
Whose homepage is:
http://www.ucsusa.org/
http://www.ucsusa.org/scientific_integrity/interference/a-to-z-guide-to-political.html
Whose homepage is:
http://www.ucsusa.org/
Friday, April 27, 2007
Wow!
So the quiz @ http://www.colorquiz.com asks you a very simple question. Pick the colors that make you feel happiest, simple, quacked right? Maybe not, it actually appears to offer quite profound insight:
 | John took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship w..."
|
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
101 Cat Jokes--part 1
1. What do you call it if all of the world's dogs and cats suddenly vanish?
A dog gone Cat tastrophy
2. It might also be called cat aclysmic
3. What do you call a herd of cats?
Cat tle
4. What is a cats favorite movie?
Meow lin Rouge
5. What do you call the realm between cat heaven and cat hell?
Purr-gatory
6. What is a cats favorite color?
Purr ple
7. What is a cats favorite jewelry?
Purrls
8. What do you call a stolen cat?
Purr loined
9. What do you call a person who heists a cat?
A cat burgalar
10. What do you call a comatose cat?
Cat atonic (also what you call cat drinks)
11. What does a cat holic learn?
Their Cat echism
12. What is a male cat's favorite musical instrument?
A tom tom
13. Alternative definition:
Tom Cruise
What a cat does to find a mate
14. A female cat runs into a wall--dam.
15. What is a felines favorite sauce?
cat sup
16. What do cats wait in?
fe lines
17. What do you wish a spanish cat around Christmas time?
Felis navidad
18. What did the cat say when he realized he didn't have any money at the bar?
Put it on my tabby
19. What is a cat's favorite key on a computer?
the tab by key?
20./21. If a cat has every thing what might you call it?
It eithe has the whole kitten kaboodle
or it has everything except the kitten sink
22. What type of chemical reaction destroys cats?
catabolic ones
23. What do you call a cat observatory for Astronomers?
Kitt ens peak
24/25. Why was the African big cat expelled from school?
For lion and being a cheetah
26. What is the most important part in catwoman's car?
The cat alytic converter
27. How do you spot a leopard?
You don't they are born that way.
28. What encircles a cats yard?
A chain Lynx fence
29. What do cats drive?
A Jaguar
30. If you give a cat a lemon is it a sour puss?
31. If a cat has 8 arms is it an octo puss?
32. does a radio active cat have 18 half lifes?
33. Why did the smalled spotted cat make all fo the purchases he wanted to?
Because it ocelot (costs alot)
34. Alternative definition: A dull roar
A bored lion
35. Knock knock
Who's there?
Panther
Panther who?
Panther no panth I'm going thwiming
36. Alternative definition:
Litter box
A two year olds room
37. What holiday is a cats favorite?
Christmas--They like Santa Claws
38. A feline got sick--the doctor recomended a CAT scan.
39. What do you call a bowling feline?
An Alley cat
A Grimalkin is an elderly female cat
40. Where do you bury cats when they die?
In a meowsoleum
41. Who was a terrible fashist cat dictator?
Meow solini
42. What do you call a desert feline?
A cat tus
43. A group of cats is called a clowder, but is a group of clams a clam clowder?
Puss comes from Dutch poes meaning cat
Carnival comes from the Latin carne for meat and val coming from vale meaning stay strong--usually taken as a farewell. Thus carnival comes from the festival held to bid farewell to meat ie just before lent.
44. I never much liked groups of lions. I always thought them to be too prideful
45. What is a good name for a small wildcat?
Bob
Manx are tailless while Rex are the only curly haired cat
46. Is a cat lizard a T-rex?
47. Two curly haired cats collide it was quite the rex.
48. What do you call a patchwork bovine?
A Cow lico
49. What do you call a cat-sle wall?
A purr a pet (parapet)
50. What is a cat's favorite type of fish?
A purr ana
51. When does the cat start to get serious?
When Puss comes to shove
52. What do you build to pay homage to felines?
A Cat-edral
53. How do you measure the length of cat hair?
In Furr longs
54. what type of rug did the cat own?
A Purr-sian
55. What do you put a baby kitten in?
A cat's cradle
56. Where are many cats from?
Kaza-catstan
57. Where else might a feline be from?
Cat-a lina
58. What do cats sail?
A Cat a maran
59. what hobby to cats often take up?
Puddy Tating
60. Who do felines listen to?
Cat stevensen
61. What type of dessert do cats like most?
a Pudding tat
62. What are cat leisure suits made out of?
100% Sylvester
63. How do you throw a cat?
With a cat a pult
64. What did the hunter say after hitting the leopard?
Ah that hits the spot.
65. What is a rock band popular among cats?
Def Leopard
66. what is a rock band popular amid the gravely ill?
Deaf Leper
67. Who is a favorite comedian amoung once tame now wild cats?
Will Ferral
68. What type of ammusement park ride to lions ride?
A roar-coaster
69. If a feline fails it Cat do something.
70. Why couldn't the mouser talk?
Because the cat had its tongue
71. What is it called if one cat is diagnal from another?
Kitty corner
72. What do you call an underground cat?
Cat-ecombs
73. How do felines keep their fur looking nice?
With a cat-e-comb
74. Hear about the dyslexic who fell down and broke his arm?
He spent six weeks in a cats
75. Who is a famous Chinese cat dictator?
Meow ze Dong
76. Who is the most famous russian feline?
Cat-arine the Great
77. Name a famous feline ice skater?
Cat-erina Witt
78. What is an early kitten machine gun?
A cat-ling gun
79. What is a felines favorite type of nut?
A cat-shew
80. How do cats cut the grass?
with a lawn Meower
81. What do you call a boxing feline?
An Ali Cat
82. What is a cat's favorite president?
James A. Garfield
83. If you divide Garfield's friend by her length, what happens?
She has been Nermal-ized
84. What do you call said kitten's stomach?
Ab-nermal
85. Which upper divisional math class is similar to the canine friend of Garfield?
Oddies (ODEs--if you still don't get it don't worry about it)
86. What type of music does garfield listen to?
Oddies but Goodies
87. If Garfield has to go, is he on the Jon? (sorry)
Or does he use a Cat-thoder
89. What does a cat cry when splashing into the water?
Cat-on Ball
90. What doe s a feline use to clean house?
A Cat-ton ball
91. What was the name of the feline space probe sent up by the ESA recently?
Cat-sseni
92. What do you call a cat that is a public ham?
One that is Malkin it for all its worth.
93. Wha tis the comedy show on Fox about adolescent life of cats?
Malkin in the Middle
94. Are two grey and brown cats alike or different?
They are all the Siam
95. What is a country band popular with young cats?
The Nitty Kitty Dirt Band
96. Is a dead cat a cat daver?
97. Is another name for a feline on a chandelier a cat-delobra?
98. Is a felinexs favorite insect a Cat-erpilar?
99. What hold up a cat?
A cat-er pilar
100. What do you call a cat in love?
A Cat-sinova
101. I cat take it anymore No more Cat jokes! If you tell one more cat joke I am making a feline for the restroom. You can't Malkin me take any more. I have had it Tom my ears. I am a nervous Rex. You are going to have to puddy me away in an insane asylum. Tats all I can take.
A dog gone Cat tastrophy
2. It might also be called cat aclysmic
3. What do you call a herd of cats?
Cat tle
4. What is a cats favorite movie?
Meow lin Rouge
5. What do you call the realm between cat heaven and cat hell?
Purr-gatory
6. What is a cats favorite color?
Purr ple
7. What is a cats favorite jewelry?
Purrls
8. What do you call a stolen cat?
Purr loined
9. What do you call a person who heists a cat?
A cat burgalar
10. What do you call a comatose cat?
Cat atonic (also what you call cat drinks)
11. What does a cat holic learn?
Their Cat echism
12. What is a male cat's favorite musical instrument?
A tom tom
13. Alternative definition:
Tom Cruise
What a cat does to find a mate
14. A female cat runs into a wall--dam.
15. What is a felines favorite sauce?
cat sup
16. What do cats wait in?
fe lines
17. What do you wish a spanish cat around Christmas time?
Felis navidad
18. What did the cat say when he realized he didn't have any money at the bar?
Put it on my tabby
19. What is a cat's favorite key on a computer?
the tab by key?
20./21. If a cat has every thing what might you call it?
It eithe has the whole kitten kaboodle
or it has everything except the kitten sink
22. What type of chemical reaction destroys cats?
catabolic ones
23. What do you call a cat observatory for Astronomers?
Kitt ens peak
24/25. Why was the African big cat expelled from school?
For lion and being a cheetah
26. What is the most important part in catwoman's car?
The cat alytic converter
27. How do you spot a leopard?
You don't they are born that way.
28. What encircles a cats yard?
A chain Lynx fence
29. What do cats drive?
A Jaguar
30. If you give a cat a lemon is it a sour puss?
31. If a cat has 8 arms is it an octo puss?
32. does a radio active cat have 18 half lifes?
33. Why did the smalled spotted cat make all fo the purchases he wanted to?
Because it ocelot (costs alot)
34. Alternative definition: A dull roar
A bored lion
35. Knock knock
Who's there?
Panther
Panther who?
Panther no panth I'm going thwiming
36. Alternative definition:
Litter box
A two year olds room
37. What holiday is a cats favorite?
Christmas--They like Santa Claws
38. A feline got sick--the doctor recomended a CAT scan.
39. What do you call a bowling feline?
An Alley cat
A Grimalkin is an elderly female cat
40. Where do you bury cats when they die?
In a meowsoleum
41. Who was a terrible fashist cat dictator?
Meow solini
42. What do you call a desert feline?
A cat tus
43. A group of cats is called a clowder, but is a group of clams a clam clowder?
Puss comes from Dutch poes meaning cat
Carnival comes from the Latin carne for meat and val coming from vale meaning stay strong--usually taken as a farewell. Thus carnival comes from the festival held to bid farewell to meat ie just before lent.
44. I never much liked groups of lions. I always thought them to be too prideful
45. What is a good name for a small wildcat?
Bob
Manx are tailless while Rex are the only curly haired cat
46. Is a cat lizard a T-rex?
47. Two curly haired cats collide it was quite the rex.
48. What do you call a patchwork bovine?
A Cow lico
49. What do you call a cat-sle wall?
A purr a pet (parapet)
50. What is a cat's favorite type of fish?
A purr ana
51. When does the cat start to get serious?
When Puss comes to shove
52. What do you build to pay homage to felines?
A Cat-edral
53. How do you measure the length of cat hair?
In Furr longs
54. what type of rug did the cat own?
A Purr-sian
55. What do you put a baby kitten in?
A cat's cradle
56. Where are many cats from?
Kaza-catstan
57. Where else might a feline be from?
Cat-a lina
58. What do cats sail?
A Cat a maran
59. what hobby to cats often take up?
Puddy Tating
60. Who do felines listen to?
Cat stevensen
61. What type of dessert do cats like most?
a Pudding tat
62. What are cat leisure suits made out of?
100% Sylvester
63. How do you throw a cat?
With a cat a pult
64. What did the hunter say after hitting the leopard?
Ah that hits the spot.
65. What is a rock band popular among cats?
Def Leopard
66. what is a rock band popular amid the gravely ill?
Deaf Leper
67. Who is a favorite comedian amoung once tame now wild cats?
Will Ferral
68. What type of ammusement park ride to lions ride?
A roar-coaster
69. If a feline fails it Cat do something.
70. Why couldn't the mouser talk?
Because the cat had its tongue
71. What is it called if one cat is diagnal from another?
Kitty corner
72. What do you call an underground cat?
Cat-ecombs
73. How do felines keep their fur looking nice?
With a cat-e-comb
74. Hear about the dyslexic who fell down and broke his arm?
He spent six weeks in a cats
75. Who is a famous Chinese cat dictator?
Meow ze Dong
76. Who is the most famous russian feline?
Cat-arine the Great
77. Name a famous feline ice skater?
Cat-erina Witt
78. What is an early kitten machine gun?
A cat-ling gun
79. What is a felines favorite type of nut?
A cat-shew
80. How do cats cut the grass?
with a lawn Meower
81. What do you call a boxing feline?
An Ali Cat
82. What is a cat's favorite president?
James A. Garfield
83. If you divide Garfield's friend by her length, what happens?
She has been Nermal-ized
84. What do you call said kitten's stomach?
Ab-nermal
85. Which upper divisional math class is similar to the canine friend of Garfield?
Oddies (ODEs--if you still don't get it don't worry about it)
86. What type of music does garfield listen to?
Oddies but Goodies
87. If Garfield has to go, is he on the Jon? (sorry)
Or does he use a Cat-thoder
89. What does a cat cry when splashing into the water?
Cat-on Ball
90. What doe s a feline use to clean house?
A Cat-ton ball
91. What was the name of the feline space probe sent up by the ESA recently?
Cat-sseni
92. What do you call a cat that is a public ham?
One that is Malkin it for all its worth.
93. Wha tis the comedy show on Fox about adolescent life of cats?
Malkin in the Middle
94. Are two grey and brown cats alike or different?
They are all the Siam
95. What is a country band popular with young cats?
The Nitty Kitty Dirt Band
96. Is a dead cat a cat daver?
97. Is another name for a feline on a chandelier a cat-delobra?
98. Is a felinexs favorite insect a Cat-erpilar?
99. What hold up a cat?
A cat-er pilar
100. What do you call a cat in love?
A Cat-sinova
101. I cat take it anymore No more Cat jokes! If you tell one more cat joke I am making a feline for the restroom. You can't Malkin me take any more. I have had it Tom my ears. I am a nervous Rex. You are going to have to puddy me away in an insane asylum. Tats all I can take.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Comedy Bronze
So I have never tried my hand at stand up comedy...So I thought I'd try sit down comedy. It has been said that you can only make fun of the things you know, So I guess that leaves me doing jokes about white nerdy middle class protestants. You know what that means, now not only will I tick off the NSA, but also the Klan. I never wore glasses in school--The bullies kept taking them. And its just hurtful and not true that Nerds wear their pants about four inches above their saddle shoes, I am a nerd I know this, its only 3. For once in my life I couldn't do my math, the other day my slide rule ran out of batteries , so'd my pencil. You know those guys who you paid to do your homework, yeah, I never was one of them... I was their Union boss. Yesterday, things got a little messy--Uhm, I forgot to wear protection. My pen leaked. I forgot my pocket protector. When the paternity test came back I got an A+ (And I didn't even study.)
I think I could have made a really good cowboy. I would mossey down to the OK coral, solve for K and challenge some cow poke to draw... He'd whip out his gun, I'd whip out my abacus, calculate the trajectory of his ballistic projectile... and probably be dead. I had a GREAT date yesterday! I brought my calculus book and the girl never showed. It took 12 hours before I noticed. Oh, before that, I was doing some programming homework. If any of you have ever programmed before, you are usually programing something that is really annoying and time consuming to do. My homework was just that, long, hard, tedious and boring. Just like... we won't go there. So I wrote a program to do it for me. Just type in my program, and let the computer do it all the work. What I was trying to have the computer do was write a program that would write the program for me. While I was doing this, the computer responded with a message. It was worried about losing items in its memory. So it reached out and slapped a post it note on my head. So they say I need to get out more, get some excercise. I tell them that I already have some of the most well defined muscles on the planet. (My mother tells me my joystick controlling muscles don't count.) My Dad says playing sports, especially full contact sports would do me good. I tell him I do play a sport, its even full contact. Surprised, he asked me what I played, I told him. Tag. I'm 22.
So being a computer programmer, last week I had to attend a convention--A Star Trek Convention. I was hosting it. It was in my Mom's basement. It went for two weeks, we all came out level twelves.
Personally, I like TVs--They make great paper weights. In all seriousness I do love to watch a few shows. Channels 7 and 9 have some really great stuff, unfortunately they are always begging you to use the telephones instead.
I never had a lot of friends in school but now Hey, I have friends, and they don't even have weird names like Poindexter or Einstein. Just plain old ordinary guys, with ordinary names like Billy and Alan--You know Gates, and Yankovich.
So, I had a computer problem the other day. I thought I'd call tech support--The line was busy. Aparently, the call got patched through to my house.
In elementary school, we had a sub, you know the ones fresh out of high school, terrified of being in front of little kids, doing this only because they need 30 hours of student teaching. You know the kind, the one's that trembled at the very mention of having to answe a question. Well, I had one of those. I had a question. I politely asked her, and she told me to find the smartest kid in the class and ask him. I told her I was. She quit. I continued teaching. I was in third grade. I would do more, but my 57 Advanced Credit classes and 11 extra credit assignments in the classes I don't have are do. So, Good Night, Good Luck, and come check it out, next week I am performing live and in person in the exclusive and fully booked Shower.
I think I could have made a really good cowboy. I would mossey down to the OK coral, solve for K and challenge some cow poke to draw... He'd whip out his gun, I'd whip out my abacus, calculate the trajectory of his ballistic projectile... and probably be dead. I had a GREAT date yesterday! I brought my calculus book and the girl never showed. It took 12 hours before I noticed. Oh, before that, I was doing some programming homework. If any of you have ever programmed before, you are usually programing something that is really annoying and time consuming to do. My homework was just that, long, hard, tedious and boring. Just like... we won't go there. So I wrote a program to do it for me. Just type in my program, and let the computer do it all the work. What I was trying to have the computer do was write a program that would write the program for me. While I was doing this, the computer responded with a message. It was worried about losing items in its memory. So it reached out and slapped a post it note on my head. So they say I need to get out more, get some excercise. I tell them that I already have some of the most well defined muscles on the planet. (My mother tells me my joystick controlling muscles don't count.) My Dad says playing sports, especially full contact sports would do me good. I tell him I do play a sport, its even full contact. Surprised, he asked me what I played, I told him. Tag. I'm 22.
So being a computer programmer, last week I had to attend a convention--A Star Trek Convention. I was hosting it. It was in my Mom's basement. It went for two weeks, we all came out level twelves.
Personally, I like TVs--They make great paper weights. In all seriousness I do love to watch a few shows. Channels 7 and 9 have some really great stuff, unfortunately they are always begging you to use the telephones instead.
I never had a lot of friends in school but now Hey, I have friends, and they don't even have weird names like Poindexter or Einstein. Just plain old ordinary guys, with ordinary names like Billy and Alan--You know Gates, and Yankovich.
So, I had a computer problem the other day. I thought I'd call tech support--The line was busy. Aparently, the call got patched through to my house.
In elementary school, we had a sub, you know the ones fresh out of high school, terrified of being in front of little kids, doing this only because they need 30 hours of student teaching. You know the kind, the one's that trembled at the very mention of having to answe a question. Well, I had one of those. I had a question. I politely asked her, and she told me to find the smartest kid in the class and ask him. I told her I was. She quit. I continued teaching. I was in third grade. I would do more, but my 57 Advanced Credit classes and 11 extra credit assignments in the classes I don't have are do. So, Good Night, Good Luck, and come check it out, next week I am performing live and in person in the exclusive and fully booked Shower.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Fitch and The Beast
What of that fearsome beast?
The one that came from the East?
Did we heros fall?
Under its maul?
Did his gaping face
tear into us in that place?
Ranger, Dorf, Dewey and I?
We poked that cretin right in the eye.
Unable for him to see,
For us it was an easy victory.
When the last of the skulls we slew,
We now had real work to do.
'Afore again leaving that room,
Many a restless villager we did re-entomb.
Return these souls to rest,
that is what we thought best.
Long we stayed.
And long we wielded our spade.
And when our grim task was done,
To adventuring we returned to have our fun.
But before we got far,
Around us shown instantly a light brighter than the brightest star.
Dewey, the ranger, and the dorf no more could I find.
I looked around and realized I had left the world I once knew behind.
Much to my surprize
I found bars before my eyes.
Of all the places I could befall,
I landed smack amid a carnival.
Neither Allais Bedovar, Dewey Hackenbash, nor Ulfgar were in sight.
Something just wasn't right.
And to make matters a wee bit more absurd,
In the cage next to me was an elf more colored than a bird.
He begged to be free,
It was toward me he did plea.
But here my brain did fork,
For also beside me was a bardic orc?
Into what weird world
Had I just been hurled?
Donned me my cloak of etherial tailor.
Strode through the bars of my material jailor.
Got me pick
Put it to their lock and did the trick.
Ah, fresh air...
But not for long, for we saw the gaurds who didn't want us there.
Did we fools escapes?
How long in freedom would we trapse?
An orcish bard--
that's a tale that will make you thinkest hard.
A polychromatic elf,
that's a story for a humanlings shelf.
But tune in again and you shall see,
A delightful story wroght with glee.
Read again to see how the story goes
This is one you should knows...
The one that came from the East?
Did we heros fall?
Under its maul?
Did his gaping face
tear into us in that place?
Ranger, Dorf, Dewey and I?
We poked that cretin right in the eye.
Unable for him to see,
For us it was an easy victory.
When the last of the skulls we slew,
We now had real work to do.
'Afore again leaving that room,
Many a restless villager we did re-entomb.
Return these souls to rest,
that is what we thought best.
Long we stayed.
And long we wielded our spade.
And when our grim task was done,
To adventuring we returned to have our fun.
But before we got far,
Around us shown instantly a light brighter than the brightest star.
Dewey, the ranger, and the dorf no more could I find.
I looked around and realized I had left the world I once knew behind.
Much to my surprize
I found bars before my eyes.
Of all the places I could befall,
I landed smack amid a carnival.
Neither Allais Bedovar, Dewey Hackenbash, nor Ulfgar were in sight.
Something just wasn't right.
And to make matters a wee bit more absurd,
In the cage next to me was an elf more colored than a bird.
He begged to be free,
It was toward me he did plea.
But here my brain did fork,
For also beside me was a bardic orc?
Into what weird world
Had I just been hurled?
Donned me my cloak of etherial tailor.
Strode through the bars of my material jailor.
Got me pick
Put it to their lock and did the trick.
Ah, fresh air...
But not for long, for we saw the gaurds who didn't want us there.
Did we fools escapes?
How long in freedom would we trapse?
An orcish bard--
that's a tale that will make you thinkest hard.
A polychromatic elf,
that's a story for a humanlings shelf.
But tune in again and you shall see,
A delightful story wroght with glee.
Read again to see how the story goes
This is one you should knows...
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Things NO ONE will Listen to...
1. Albums of Math book sing-a-longs
2. The Phone book on tape.
3. Static, white noise and other classic hits.
4. Talk Show the musical complete with Sing Alongs.
5. Phone Book the musical.
6. Dissonance: The Sound of the unresolved chords
7. So You Think You Can Play Violin. The Musical where the cast presents random people off the street with a Stratovarious Violin and sees if they can create beautiful music.
8. Stirring lectures on the History of Banana Slug Colonization.
9. Models of Tree Sloth Acceleration.
10. How to write books for Dummies for Dummies
11. A recording of a three year old with Laryngitis counting threads in your shirt.
12. The Scrape: A musical composition based on the best of fingernail and blackboard enthusiasts.
13. The Poking Your Eyeball Sonata
14. Colonoscopies the soundtrack
15. Tapes made the night your child was concieved
16. Listening to a stutterer reading the Oxford Dictionary.
17. Alvin and the Chipmonks Post Puberty CD with new extend Bass riffs from Theodor
18. Computer sounds: A new age symphony composed entirely using the internet modem connection noise.
19. Busy Signal the Encore.
20. Space Chords: an epic saga
21. 1930s Early Cowbow Music Remixed.
22. Nagging the four part Opera
23. 101 Variations on John Cage's 4:33
24. The Jackhammer Express
25. Uncensored Conversations With a Sailor.
26. Enumeration of the Desert Sands: The Cantata
27. A list of all of the Insults used by WowBagger The Infinitely Prolonged.
28. A soundtrack of all of the best computer voices on the corporate world and their favorite sayings.
29. Marvin the Robots Self help book.
30. The all theramin Orchestra.
2. The Phone book on tape.
3. Static, white noise and other classic hits.
4. Talk Show the musical complete with Sing Alongs.
5. Phone Book the musical.
6. Dissonance: The Sound of the unresolved chords
7. So You Think You Can Play Violin. The Musical where the cast presents random people off the street with a Stratovarious Violin and sees if they can create beautiful music.
8. Stirring lectures on the History of Banana Slug Colonization.
9. Models of Tree Sloth Acceleration.
10. How to write books for Dummies for Dummies
11. A recording of a three year old with Laryngitis counting threads in your shirt.
12. The Scrape: A musical composition based on the best of fingernail and blackboard enthusiasts.
13. The Poking Your Eyeball Sonata
14. Colonoscopies the soundtrack
15. Tapes made the night your child was concieved
16. Listening to a stutterer reading the Oxford Dictionary.
17. Alvin and the Chipmonks Post Puberty CD with new extend Bass riffs from Theodor
18. Computer sounds: A new age symphony composed entirely using the internet modem connection noise.
19. Busy Signal the Encore.
20. Space Chords: an epic saga
21. 1930s Early Cowbow Music Remixed.
22. Nagging the four part Opera
23. 101 Variations on John Cage's 4:33
24. The Jackhammer Express
25. Uncensored Conversations With a Sailor.
26. Enumeration of the Desert Sands: The Cantata
27. A list of all of the Insults used by WowBagger The Infinitely Prolonged.
28. A soundtrack of all of the best computer voices on the corporate world and their favorite sayings.
29. Marvin the Robots Self help book.
30. The all theramin Orchestra.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
A Beautiful Post I Have Found...
To Fred, and Michelle, whomever she might be:
Your poem is captivating. I found it in my random internet perusings and with your permission I would like to post it here.
ROSE
--Composed by a friend, and though we hath never met.
They are my friends even yet.
Your poem is captivating. I found it in my random internet perusings and with your permission I would like to post it here.
ROSE
Its a life with a thousand thorns along the way.
Sometimes it hurts but in the end its a beautiful day.
Like the stem of a rose bud its long and painful with a beautiful end.
--Composed by a friend, and though we hath never met.
They are my friends even yet.
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