A Merry Christmas Eave

If your wondering where I got this cheery pic. Its from here: http://www.pansophist.com/oswh7.jpg


But I thought I would leave you with this cheery Christmas EAVE


Oh and just to be bragging, I get to spend the next week lounging on a beach in Southern California with my very loving grandparents. :P Boasts aside, I wish you all the best of Chris-mooses and a Happy Moo- Year !





http://www.toykeeper.com/MaryMeyer/rascals/moose.jpg

So its Christmas Break I have a Computer and

My Cereal Personality Is... Crazy Cow You were a cereal? If we didn't see the cereal box we wouldn't have believed it. What was your gimmick? Spooky cow on a sugary cereal box? And where did the milk come from anyway? That's what we thought, crazy cow.

Incidently the above was from quizsoup.com Aposteri I am also a black jack player.

It also so happens that I am 4 fingered Sully.
I have a quize here:
http://www.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=061221151556-135277&

I have been exploring here:
http://bonaly.org.uk/games/

P.S. Help making the above an actual link would be much appreciated.

And as if making a list of games for every scouting merit badge weren't enough, you might have noticed I've been a little bored lately, hence the proliferation of random personna tests. But Good luck, Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year or something like that.

If Statisticians ruled the world

If statisticians world the world it would be a very different place...

Marriages:
And do you John, fail to reject your null hypothesis of Marsha?
With a P-value of less tha 0.05 I Do fail to reject Marsha
And you, Marsha? Based on the available data on this man what is your conclusion?
With a 95% certainty I too fail to reject this man.


College Acceptance letters:

Dear Mr. Boom,

We regret to inform you that we have failed to reject your application.


Game shows:

Is that your final answer?
I fail to reject C +/- 2 letters with 99% confidence

Online Legal Notices:
Click here to fail to reject our terms

Courts of Law:
How do you plead?
+/- Not Guilty, where my null hypothesis is H0: T=0, where t is time spent in prison. My alternative hypothesis is H1: T >0 I will choose alpha to be 100% and walk away a free man because alpha is never 1.
...
Members of the jury report your findings.
We the members of the jury conclude that there is no significant difference between the hypothesis of the prosecution and the hypothesis of the defense therefore we fail to reject the null hypothesis that we even cared.

Advertising:
Clinical studies have shown that in 9 out of 10 cases our product has significantly improved the lifespan of its users by plus or minus 76 years! And it fails to reject the claim of whitening teeth too! Order now for three easy payments of a lot plus or minus some, We reject the claim of bein available in Canada.

School Administrations:
In a sample of size 1 it was found that your son's GPA with a 95% certainty is a 2.0 +/- 2.0. We regret to inform you that we must therefore reject and fail to reject the hypothesis that your son has made the valley view Honor roll.

Billing:
You owe $X.YZ dollars. Given a 12 month sample of size U find a 95% confidence interval given a total error of 3.00 or less, solve for X Y and Z

Parents:
Now Jimmy, here's how you tie your shoes within one standard deviation.
Young man, I want with a 99% certainty the sample Y-X to = 0 where Y is the Number of vegtables served at time zero and X is the number of vegtables consumed at time final. Find P(x
Jimmy, Sally, and Joh-- There is no significant difference in my love for each of you. I love equally all 2.4 of you

Hey Mom, can I watch channel 07 +/- 02

I am on page 135 +/- 0.01

Phone Books:

555-1123 +/- 1
somewhere within the interval bounded by 10th West and 10th East and 10th South and 10th North, Somewhere within the United States with a 95% certainty.


Clothing Stores:
Ma'm do you have a size small +/- and XL?
I have a 48 +/- 12 inch waist, and a 13 +/- 2 shoe size.

Its a good thing only lawyers run our society and not statisticians.

Santa is an Eagle Scout

SANTA IS AN EAGLE SCOUT

Santa is an Eagle Scout,
it's very plain to see.
Just listen to this little poem
and you'll agree

Santa navigates by the stars
on Christmas Eve.
After all, his first merit badge
was Astronomy.

To fly his sleigh
with finesse,
Santa took
Aviation merit badge next.

Santa and his reindeer
have a friendly alliance.
He learned it all
while earning Veterinarian Science.

Engineering merit badge
was very hard for Santa Claus.
Going down a chimney is an engineering feat,
if there ever was.

Santa's service project
was for all the boys and girls.
He delivers toys
all around the world.

And lastly, Santa's work on
Communication merit badge was out of sight
That's when he thought of the phrase
"Merry Christmas and to all a good night"

written by Todd McMahon

Online quizes are never wrong right?

So if we were to believe the highly reputable source of bored dot com, as to whether I am a boring person or not, I would have to believe:

" I may be termed a Boring person by my peers. This is sometimes because of your non-enthusiasm, dull attitude and old fashioned ways. it would do you good to add some zing to your life!"

There you have it folks, straight from the ehorse's mouth. I am boring. Now for another batch of 101 puns to cheer me up.

More Alternative Definitions

1. Beverage:
The age of a rodent cutting down trees

2. Impov:
Sans Skript

Beantler: The second branch fromt eh base of a deer's antler

Bibliomancy: making random predictions from the bible.

3. Bicuspid:
When the dentist isn't pulling your leg.

4. Bigamist:
Large Italian fog

5. Biceps:
Your Flexability

6. Bigarreau:
An Opera by Mozart (actually a type of cherry)

7. Binary:
2 Canaries

8. Topless Beach:
A place with no strings attached (sorry)

9. Bilge:
What gets sailors pumped up

10. Billings Gate: a fish market in London known for foul vulgar abusive talk--Not to be confused with the talk that results from dealing with a special computer someone.

11. Billionaire:
Middle class

12. Bullemia:
Life with its urps and downs

13. Biochemistry:
A totally tube-ular science

14. Bird of Prey:
A catholic eagle

15. Birth:
Your comming out day

16. Black eyed Susan:
An abuse case

17. Blade:
A way of making your point

18 Beach farming:
Splash and Berm agriculture

19. Blank verse:
Not doing an English assignment

20. The Blarney Stone:
Something that needs kissing up to

21. Future Blazonry:
Harlding times to come

22.Blotchologist:
A job that is spotty at best

23. Blintz:
Rollin in the dough

24. blockade:
The kid who helps you put away your blocks

25. Blockage:
See arteries

26. Blonde:
Its not a hair color its a way of life

27. Fugitive:
One who is chaste

28. blow torch:
Escaping by the ascetalyne of your pants

29. Bludgeon stick:
Night club

Random joke:
Which aviation enthusiast and early 1900s philanthropist really likes color?
Howard Hues

30. Successful Bluff:
Call collect

31. Boar:
One who hogs a communication

32. Bobby Pin:
A British Police sting

33. Bob sled Runner:
A Slayer

34. Corset:
Chest Compressions
Wrap sheet
See also low Resolution

35. Full Cavity check:
A good dentist

36. Ebola:
An online website devoted to thrown weapons on a string used for entangling.

37. bad bolt:
One that doesn't hold its ground well

38. Bomb Shell:
The remains of an animal found on an Iraqi beach

39. A fighter jet taking off with after burners:
A device for leaving you wondering whats the uproar

40. Book of matches:
The most reading some people do

41. Boomerang:
A return investment
Something that can't easily be tossed away

42. Border patrol:
A boundary value problem

43. Bulkans:
I can't hear you you are breaking up

44. I think the dealings at the Boston Tea Party went a little overboard

Botryoidal :resssembling a bunch of grapes

45. Boutique:
A Craft Fare

46. Bow:
A device with a lot of drawbacks (the same is true of a football team)

47. Bowsprit:
The part of a ship that really gets you a wake

48. Violin bow:
We all have our foibbles

Random joke:
What do astronomers fold?
The plait-eis

49. Bracers:
Armed gaurds

50. Bracing:
Whats the hold up

51. Braille:
Connect the dots

52. Brain:
Connect the thoughts

53. Unlavend bread:
Last but not yeast

54. Breeding ground:
A Teem environment

55. Brew:
Good for what ales ya

56. Brick Kiln:
A place under heavy mortar fire

57. A bride without a groom:
One who weds herself

58. What do you call a euphausid clock:
Time to krill

59. Brine:
Assault

60. Returns:
Taken aback

61. Broach:
What is found in unclean bapartments

62. Broken:
World Piece

63. Brooding:
A mother worrying about her young

64. Toddler snakes:
Brownie in motion

Brume: is a fog

Bubble and Squek is an English dish of cabbage and potatoes

67. Budget:
A spendable allowance

68. treadmill:
Something that gives you the run around

A Bumbershoot is an umbrella

69. Bunghole:
One who gets tight with barrels

70. Burdock
See an attachment

71. Burdock:
A real stickler

72. Bunsen Burner:
An old flame

73. Burreau:
Holding agency

74. Burreaucrat:
Red tape dispencer

75. Burgomeister:
A magnate material

76. Burlesque:
A house of Whore

77. Burlesque:
A place where they practice can-can-abalism

78. Burn when things are starting to heat up

79. Butt Joint:
Don't even think about smoking it

80. Button:
Something that must be pushed, especially if red

81.Button Mold:
What grows on your nice shirts if you don't wash them

82. Buttress:
A female butterfly
Like a mistress but for your butt
What ladies wear that is long an flowing and covers their back side (butt dress)

85. Buzz saw:
What was seen by Edwin Aldrin on the first landing on the moon. What _____

86. Buzz saw:
How a bee cuts wood

87. Byzantine:
Roman in the fall

I've been Bee-zy, but I'll post a few more for good Bee-ness. Since the dictionary ran out of words witha bee that I could make fun of I thought perhaps I could finish off with a spelling Bee of sorts.

88. does a Bee break out in hives??

89. Do Bee matriachs have to worry about beeing drag queens?

90. What is an Apis mellifera's (the scientific name for a bee) favorite online game?
Bee-jeweled

91. What does the relative of a wasp sleep?
When it is her Bee-dtime

92. What was the question on a bumblers math final?
Two Bee or not two bee?

93. Bee paparatzi stay up on the latest buzz.

94. What do you call a clutsy flying insect?
A Bumbling bee

95. Do bees play hive and go seek?

96. Two bees were in a race to a flower?
It was necter necter all the way

97. Do bees go into pollentics?

98. What is a bees favorite piano piece by Chopin?
His pollen-aise

99. What does a bee call an Italian cornmeal dish?
Pollen-ta

100. Who is an insects favorite blues guitar player?
Bee-Bee King

101. Hive a Great Day!! And remember BEE prepared.

From Nerdtests.com

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates ya know.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

What, Its not like I have an Ego or anything?

My latest mental wanderings

Consider, if you will, the philosophy of math. Most people will usually start with the point and work their way outward expanding on the logic that came before Inductive reasoning at its finest. I'm going to try the reverse. Imagine if you will a four dimensional object. Any four dimensional object. Ok that didn't work. We'll go slightly smaller to make it somewhat easier. Imagine if you will a three dimensional object, any object in R3 (that's fancy math speak for it has three dimensions). Why was it there? What is it that determines where it exists and for how long?

Some might answer that it is the mathematician that holds the entire fate of this shape in his hands controlling where it is place what its dimensions are where it is defined and the rest of the whole gamut of a 3D objects life. Is this the case, or is it that the shape was always there and the mathematicians have just now discovered it? Was Shroedenger right? Do we need to oberserve something for it to exist or is its existance independant of our observation? Can we reach our full potential on our own or do we need the input of others? Does our work exist if there is no one to recognize it? Or are we dependant upon the imaginations of others in our very existance? Can we determine ourself or are we constructed by society?

Let us consider this shape further. Regardless of the details a shape exists (?). But why does it take the form it does? One answer to this is that it is defined by what came before, a shape is defined by the pieces that make it up. A cube is defined by the square. A sphere is defined by its circle. All of these can be represented by equations once initial parameters have been defined. We are a product of our component parts and we too are subject to what has come before. We are the integration of our genetics, our parent's are friends all of history, all of time and space. We are a product of the equations that compose us DNA RNA et al, and we are of our environment. We are the function that effects and is effected by the vector field. There are forces acting upon us at every point in every second for all time. But here there is a difference between us and the cube. We are non-deterministic. We have free will we are able to choose our path and our actions even though they might be played out for us.

How is this possible you might ask. Consider this, On my calculator I have on my calculator a function composed of three completely random variables. It is impossible for me to predict the path it will take, I do not know how long it will take, but I know without a doubt the final outcome. Always. Even though the function is completly random. I love this program as it is metaphoric of our very existance. Some might say that if we truly have free will how then can an all knowing God know what we will do? Others suggest that if there is no god what then is the point of our existance (to find our very purpose IS our purpose, but this is a subject for a later day!). But if we have a devine plan how can we possibly have free will? The function to which I earlier alluded provides the key. There is an equation that models the path. There is a god over seeing our lives, there is a purpose an equation of life if you will. But there is also free will randomness. The answer is known, and yet it isn't! I suggest as evidence of this, consider God hedging his bets. Inspiring two people simultaneously one accepting one choicing to reject, perhaps even God doesn't know which is which. Perhaps he can see all possible outcomes of either one or both. I do not know. but this would predict, if it were true that many people should be inspired by similar ideas at about the same time. Alexander Graham Bell Patented the telephone 4 hours before a William (?) Grey. Nichola Tessla patented the radio days before Marconi. The pattern repeats throughout history. What does that mean? That is for you to say.
But, we are not done yet. Let us consider again that shape we obtained earlier. It is true that a shape is defined by its component parts, but how we perceive these parts is subject to interpretation. See this post and its link. (check it out later its worth it.)

http://fishingtherabbithole.blogspot.com/2006/12/precieving-truth.html

That shape we were mentioning: what would happen if it were a cylinder? When viewed from the side its component part is a two dimensional rectangle. If you are in a 2D mindset no matter how you look at it, even if you consider all of the evidence available to you, you will only, can only see a 2 dimensional rectangle. If you are in side of this rectangle you will see material in every direction you look. If you are suck viewing this object from above or below you will see something completely contradictory to a rectangle. You will see a circle. Were the viewer of the circle to meet the viewer of the rectangle or the viewer of empty space They would each be solidly convinced (I would apologize for the pun, but its my site so I won't) that what they saw was truly universal truth. It could be no other way. For how on Earth can a circle be a rectangle. You are WRONG I am RIGHT! Universal truth is MINE! GOD is on MY SIDE! Your comment that God is a rectangle--pure lunacy! We shall war!

But wait, they are both right, even though they are contradictory. God is one, God is all. He is within us and around us. We are in his image. He act through us and we become him. God is singular and he is pluaral. He is here and now and there and then. He has a plan and we are part of it yet we are allowed to do our thing. 3-1-300,000 It is all the same. Truth exists for everyone.

Ah, but here's the kicker. We still are not done! We have considered the solid, made mention of the fact there are probably other solids out there possibly even in here. It is only a matter of where you search and being open to the answers you find. Let us complete our mathematical journey and consider my final point (pun intended). The zero dimensional object.

We have said that a shape is determined by is component surfaces--Remembering it is entirely possible to have infinitely many surfaces, a shape is nonetheless determined by them. And that a surface is constrained by the many vectors that make up its existance. But what about a point? Why is a point there? A line exists and is defined if only one other point exists. A rule a guideline. A constraint of society. Others will force us into a fixed mold, but the point is free. The point is Zen. Two points is rules and society. Interaction with others. One point is self and the only thing that can be said of the point is where it is at and that it exists. Our observation affects the point because as soon as we observe it there is a distance between us and it there is a path a destination a line/line segment--a line cut short of its full potential. It is unknown what it could have been or how far along in its life it would have been if we were not there. A point, an individual can become anything go anywhere. More fascinating still is that from just a few points an entire world can be defined. Change even 1 point and the world is a different place. Change even one life and the world is changed.

Remember the individual is free to act. And it is the individual at the intersection of infinitely many others that changes the path the others were traveling. X two lines composed of infinitely many individuals intersect always at only one point. It is up to the dot the zero dimensional object. The things that cannot be measured and are not seen that matter most. They are the ones who can change the line of societies path.

In short, be the dot! Change the worlds path! You can do it! All you have to do is plot out how. Good Night, Good Luck!

101 Pop Culture Puns

Ha! Fooled you! I was refering to soda pop! I know I know these puns are as-soda-ed.

1. Who's your soda daddy?
Your soda pop.

2. What is a soda musical?
The fanta of the Opera

3/4. What do you call a soda pixie?
A Fanta-asm
A Sprite

5. What do steel mills and soda factories have in common?
They both have coke

6. Hear about the soda that lost his/her job?
He got canned

7. What about the boxing soda?
He got popped

8. What goes well with soda?
Pop corn

From: http://inventors.about.com/od/foodrelatedinventions/a/soft_drinks.htm

In 1767, the first drinkable man-made glass of carbonated water was created by Englishmen Doctor Joseph Priestley. Three years later, Swedish chemist Torbern Bergman invented a generating apparatus that made carbonated water from chalk by the use of sulfuric acid. Bergman's apparatus allowed imitation mineral water to be produced in large amounts.

9. Alternative definiton: Vender
Name for a math student dealing with intersecting circles usually two or three

10. With the increase of CO2 into the atmosphere, does that make the US a Carbon-nation?

11. What is a Wicked soda song?
Pop-ular

From Wikipedia:
In Arabic countries soft drinks are usually called either mashroob ghasi, meaning literally "gas drinks" مشروبات غازي

Canned Coffee is popular in japan.

Drink Concentrates in England are called squash.

12. What do you get if you mix root beer and Godzilla?
Sarsasparilla

13. If the market for Energy Drinks is going up but still losing money, is that a Red Bull Market?

14. How do you season a cola?
With a pinch of Dr. Pepper

15. What do you call a eucalyptus eating marsupial soda?
A Cola bear

16. What do you call the inability to digest a soda?
APepsis

More from Wiki:

17. Pschitt is a French soda created by Perrier in 1954. The name originates in the transcription in French of the noise made by a Perrier bottle when it is opened.

Pascual Boing is a Mexican soft drinks company.

Amrat Cola is a brand of cola manufactured by the Pakistan Mineral Water Bottling Plant.

18. If you are in Paraguay drinking a soda and are mauled by a lion, is that Simba?

Julmust is a Sweedish holiday drink of great secrets and popularity. (In the month of December Julmust outnumbers Sweedes ( gal/ sweede)

19. Aparently it is an artificial Sweedener. That joke Julmust worked.

20. What do you call a lying soft drink?
Mr. Phibb

21. The grapefruit soda was arrested?
When the police got there he was freshca-ed

22. What does a Swedish passion fruit and the largest city in Australia have in common?
One is Sydney, the other is a Sidni

23. What does a non-carbonated Swedish drink have in common with a holiday from Seinfeld?
One is a festivus for the rest of us and the other is a Festis (that joke really didn't work but I had to include it after completely missing festivus in my last batch so enjoy and go put up a pole)

Milkis is a carbonated milk beverage bottled in Korea. It is said to improve your ability at starcraft?

24. You had better bundle up, you might catch a cola.

25. Are soda bacteria E. cola?

26. What do you call a Tinidad and tobago soad rapper?
BUSTA rhymes

27. What do you call a boy band made of soda?
pop singers

28. Nuclear soda scientist developed nuclear Fizz-ion

29. After getting seven green and white mushrooms on Mario bros, what soda have you earned?
A 7 up

30. What is a soda popular in Sweden?
Sven up

31. After being shocked I got a jolt from my cafenated soda.

32. What do you call fizzy bottled water Pilgrims?
Purier-tans

33. What do you call a perverted soda?
Dr. Peeper

34. Don't mind root beer, their barq is vorse than their bite.

35. What do you call a track event for soda?
Cola VAULTing

36. How do sodas know who is on their phones?
With cola id

37. The orange soda couldn't get a date. He was Crushed.

38. They are now making a soda popular with surfers.
They are calling it Blue Crush (If you don't get this Blue Crush was an older relatively obscure surf movie)

39. Have you heard about a root beer coorporation accepting applications?
They are now Hire-ing

40. What do you get if you mix up A Wand with a keg?
A and W

41. Why movie starred Kevin Costner and a field of vanilla flavored sodas?
Field of creams

42. What is a haunted soda called?
Scream soda

43. What do you get if you cross vector calculus of mass losing particles going into space and an imitiation soda?
Diet Dr. Rocket Science

44. What do you call soda groupies?
A fanta club

45. What do you call a Disney movie about sodas?
Fanta-asia

46. Dr. Pepper was originally bottled as a medicine if it had instead been a ginger product would the motto have been "Good for what ales ya"

47. If P. Cola is Pepsi Cola is a strong wind really a soda?
G. ale (gail/ ginger ale)

48. What do you call a soda that can stop rain?
Hawaiian Puncho

49. Before and after Hawaiian Puncho Villa

50. What do you get if you cross a multi flavor soda brewing company with an action oriented archaeologist?
Indiana Jones

51/53. Who cleans up after sodas?
The minute maid She is also married to the minute man, the one who lives on Drury Lane.

54. What do you get if you cross a yellow soda with Yo-yo Ma?
Mello cello. (And from here on out there will be no mo Yo yo Ma was so fat or stupid or other wise jokes)

55. What do you get if you cross a highly caffenated soda with a sketch artist?
Mountain Drew

56/58. If you shoot a root beer can what is it?
a. Can tankardous
b. holy
c. A Mug shot

59. Energy orb soda has gone into Orbitz.

60. What does Patriot's Choice cola and a computer have in common?
They are both PCs

61. Why is buying a generic soda condescending?
Because they are both Patriotnizing.

When invented Pepsi's theme line was "Exhilarating, Invigorating, Aids Digestion."

62. What does a soda brand have in common with a remote car?
Both are R.C.s

63. What do you call ginger ale under the carpet?
A Schweppe under the rug

64. What do you call the governator of soda California?
Arnold Schweppes-seneiger

65. The sodas won all of their games it was a clean schweppe.

66. Sierra shot, but Sierra Mist

67. What do you call a Jamaican soda religion?
Shasta-farians

68. who pays for a diet soda?
Whoever picks up the tab?

69. What soda is found on a keyboard?
Tab

70. How do you turn off a soda's lights?
With a Sunny De-Light

71. Where do sodas store their money?
In a vault

72. What do you call an expulsive release of gas from a grape soda company?
Belchs

73. What type of clothes do drinks wear?
Capri-suns

74. What do you call a changable soda?
A Capri-cious

75. What grows in soda gardens?
A Dr. Bell Pepper

76. How do you fix a hole in a beverage?
With a soda machine

77.How do root beers great each other?
IBCing you real soon

78. Does the orange soda that golfs need to work on its slice?

79. What soda is the most popular with squid?
Squirt

80. What do you get if you have a fulcrum and a soda arm?
Beverage and Arcimedies said if you give me enough beverage I could move the world.

81. What is a soda's favorite flower?
A POP-py

82/85.Characters in Soda wars:
Master Soda
Obi Wan CANobe
Darth Soda
Chew-Barq-a

86. What is a fun computer game with Ginger ale?
Mine Schwepper

87. What is a famous soda golf course?
Pibb-le beach

88. Who is a famous soda actor?
William Shasta

89. Before and After/alternative definition: Microsoft drink
What you get at McDonalds after you remove all the ice.

90. How do the Ice Borg move across the universe?
In an Ice cube

91. If you freeze a cream soda what do you get?
Vanilla Ice

92. Are arguments about drink siphons largely strawman arguments?

93. What type of speciation affects beverage container tops?
Al-lid-patric speciation

Warning offensive:
94. What determines the amount of enjoyment obtained from a soda?
Cup size (SORRY!)

95. Where does a soda take a visiting alien?
Two liter

96. What do you give a saccrine-aholic for his/her anniversary?
A Suc-rose

97. Alternative definition: Cannibull
The container for a brand of energy drink

98. Where is most ginger ale is bottled?
CANada

99. What do you call it when one of the Spice Girls calls in sick?
Ginger ail

100. What is a not so soft drink?
GINger ale

101. Is it over?
Soda

Alternative definition: Pop
What your brain just did.

A vote if you will

So previous post proclaimed to the world that I am a kind blog, however after reading my holiday puns some of them are pretty bad. Do I keep the kind blog and try to be even kinder and gentler, is my stuff not as offensive as I am imagining it to be or should I drop the kind blog in shame for miserably failing at my aim of controversial, funny, D&d esques, but never offensive. So vote and I promise there will be no hanging chads here.

101 Holiday Puns

But first this guy.






















101 Holiday Puns
(Ever notice the correlation between 101 and lol ?)

1 What is a the favorite vietnamese Nintendo game played during december?
TETris

2. Are Jewish Christmases a Minorah-ty? (Sorry!)

3. Is being cut off from all Hallow's eve being halloweaned?

4. What is the favorite holiday of bars and pubs?
The fifth of July

5. What do you call a December 25 fog?
A Christ-mist

6. What is a popular board game around the holidays?
Its a Wonderful LIFE.

7. What is a time-travelers favorite season?
Christmas, because of all the present that is there

8. What do you eat with firemilk during the fourth of July?
firecrackers

9. Who does Adam go with to the year end party?
New Year's Eve

10. How do holiday mascots go to sleep?
Ala the Santa man

11. Which actress is popular with Christmas trees?
Judy Garland

12. What does a golfer do at Christamas?
Puts up a Christmas Tee

13. Do fast paced song artists rap their gifts?

14. Does an archery director wrap his/her gift with a bow?

15. How do you lift a frozen car?
With a Jack Frost

16. How does santa work in his garden?
With his ho-ho-ho

17. Why is santa like three statisticians?
He has three separate Ho:s

18. What do military personnel of an African persuasion celebrate in?
A Kawansa hut

19. What do you call a house that is being shot at?
A Hunted house

20. What do coyotes put out for halloween?
A Jackel-lantern

21. What is the favorite holiday of Pfizer?
Valium-tines day.

22. Which day is a day of firsts?
Prescidence day

23. What holiday always comes late?
Tardi Gras.

24. I couldn't celebrate fat tuesday, I had to mow the gras.

25. What is a day of hoe-downs?
Indepen-dance-day

January 15 is National cat herder's day

Jan 2 is New year's for cats.

Jan 3 is tolkeins birthday.

26. If you were born on April 20, 1970 would you be celebrating your B-Earth-day?

27. Which day gets the most waves?
Flag day

Mar 18 is Awkward moments day and snowman burning day and Grover Cleaveland's Birthday

28. April 15 is a very taxing day

29. Do boats celebrate birth days?

30. What do hamburgers celebrate on the 17th of March?
St. Paddies Day

31. Does a Jewish garden have a Rosh bush?

32. What do you call a holiday for the relatives of butterflies?
Moth-ers day

33. HIJKMNO = Christmas--No L

34. Happy Horse/ beast of burden Equine-ox

35. Why is the Month after Black history month in Washington DC important?
It celebrates the March on Washington

36. How is Elvis like Martin Luther?
Both are the King

37. Which old time actor is popular around Christmas?
Yule Brenner

38. Which April holiday is popular with chemists?
Ether

39. What do you call Jewish fish?
Yom Kippers

40. What holiday does Miracle whip sponser?
Cinco de Mayo

41. What holiday does Home Depot sponser?
Sink-o de Mayo

42. Which mascot is the hardest to spell?
Punxsutawney--Incidently he too is bad with jokes

43. Which day is feared by pigs?
Ground-hogs day

44. What is an affalatus on jan 6 called?
an epiphany

45. Epiphany--Bless you

46. Which holiday mascot has the least spare change?
St. Nickel-less

47. Which bell ringing army is constantly drooling?
The Salivation Army

48. If someone gets a cell phone for Christmas have they been blessed with the gift of gab?

49. This Christmas take an umbrella their might be reindeer (and their droppings).

50. Which Christmas song is sung in the tropics?
Jungle Bells

51. If they hold a pie eating contest this holiday season, which song will they sing?
Oh, Come all ye facefuls.

52. How is a planetarium presentation like a rednosed ungulate?
Both are reindeerers

53. Rudolph robbed a bank--the teller was reindeered helpless.

54. What is the favorite Christmas song aboard a ship?
Deck the Halls

55. What did the gift recipient say after dropping her new china mug?
I saw three chips I saw three Chips

56. Of course Grandmasters bragging about thier wins in a hotel lobbey is chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

57. Chip and Dale got caught in a wildfire. Disney compsed a song about it. It starts something like this: Chipmunks roasting in an open fire...

58. Why did they couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
So they could have a married Christmas

59. Merry Christ-moose.

60. Or if you are in a salon Merry Christ-mousse

61. There was another animal in the fire that got Chip and Dale. they are now whishing everyone a merry Crisp moose

62. What is the name of Mrs. Burnett's latest holiday show?
A Christmas Carrol

63. They played an Orphan play by Dickens to celebrate Christmas.
Aparently it had a Twist ending

64. What is a popular Jewish book on winter relationships?
Wemon are from Venus Minorah from Mars.

October 30 is Haunted Refrigerator day

65. On October 31 if you bang on anything it will ring, it is after all all Hollows day.

66. What is the holiest of Islamic soups?
Top Ramadan

67. Jewish holidays that don't stand up for themselves are a real passover (sorry!)

68. A Jewish holiday took a break it is on a shavotical

69. On the 5 of November is Roy Rodgers birthday.
Beware people tend to be Trigger happy

70. What day is popular among small female ruddy canines?
Guy Fawkes day

71. Which day is popular at retirement homes?
In-Depends-dance Day

72. What does an oriental seasoning sauce wish to the world?
Soy to the world

73. What is a middle executives favorite Christmas song?
Away in a manager

74. What is a dog's favorite carol?
Bark! The harald Angels Sing

75. What is a pirates favorite Christmas song?
We three kings of orient ARRRGH!

76. What is the favorite carol of prison gaurds?
Guard arrest these merry Gentlemen

77. Which Christmas song got in a fight?
Deck the halls

78. Subordinate clause, Insubordinate clause, verb clause , noun clause, Santa claus.

79. A cat goes to the beach it get sady claws.

80. Aliens celebrate fat Tuesday.
They call it martin Gras

81. If someone gets killed on Fat Tuesday, is it a Coup de Gras?

82. Which Baha'i holiday is really a type of gum?
Bub-ble gum

83. Which day of the year is a military order/
March Fourth

84. What does the mathematician exclaim on March 14th?
Piday at My House!

85. Alternative definition: Festivity
What that sore on the back of your neck is.

86. Which holiday has the most warfare?
Tanks giving.

87. Why is easter the best holiday?
because it is Eggcellant and quite eggstraordinary

88. What do you call a pervert in an easter candy factory?
A Peep-ing Tom

89. What do you call an Easter accessory shelf?
A basket case

90. How is a dental cleaning like the fourth of July?
They both involve sparklers

91. What do you get if you cross a house with a harald angel?
Hearth the harald angel sings.

92. What happens if santa is lactose intolerant?

93. How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?
You take the yule log

94. What is a monkey's favorite holiday?
Thanks gibbon

95-103. The real reindeer names:
Pincher, Pantser, prankster, vomit, stupid, dummer, quicksand, blitzkreig

Sorry I'm a cynic.

And just for later:

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love aimed at me
Twelve druglords dealing,
Eleven pipetters piping,
Ten hords a-srceeching,
Nine blades a slashing,
Eight maces a-macing,
Seven guns a-shooting,
Six needles a stabing,
Five Navel rings,
Four calling cards,
Three blasting caps,
Two hurtful shoves,
And a Cartridge filled with BB!

Caution don't do any of this at home and don't let that last one ruin your Christmas, I'm not really that mean I promise.

So I am a Complete Techno-illiterati

The long and short of it is I think this Lady is trying to do something cool. I support her quest. However, I can't figure out how to post her little deally off in a corner somewhere, so mine will just be smack in the center of my posts. Incidently, I think I can make an exception about speaking harm to no one in order to continue the story of Fitch. He is just too interesting of a character to simply forget about him simply because he has a nasty habit of stabbing monsters from another realm in their backs.

Behold the Kind of logo I like:

Da Vinci gets printed

Yeah according to "livescience.com" They just reconstructed Leonardo Da Vinci's left index fingerprint!? Aparently he woul eat and work and leave 400 year old greasy prints all over the place. It also turns out that you can almost tell a persons race based on their fingerprints. His mother may have been a Tuscan slave from Istanbul. Check it out its pretty spiffy!

http://www.livescience.com/history/061202_ap_fingerprint.html

A New Kind of Science!

Holy cow! This is cool stuff! http://tones.wolfram.com/generate/advanced.html?pitch is a link to guy who designed Mathematica and currently works for SETI. His latest venture is a form of fractal music with nearly infinite possibilities. Fractals they are everywhere.

Christmas trees et al

So here's some really great ideas I had for Christmas tree designs:

A Lego Tree
One made entirely of Legos

A tree on a neutron star
Flat green disk for tree

Godzilla Tree
Add mouth tail arms legs to green body of tree to make Godzilla

A Tree tree
Decorate the tree with smaller mini trees

A fractal tree
decorate it with all sorts of mendelbrots et al.

To be cont.

So Aparently ...

I did it! I posed a blog a day for the entire month of November. Yes I posted daily despite what the actual dates on the blog headers say. I think the reason some of them are off is either a. posted right around midnight and it hadn't quite rolled over. b. there were some I went back and edited. And there were some that were typed on one day saved and then actually put online the next. But I did it! And it does appear to be true, daily blogging does keep the wookies away. Master Yoda was right.

LIFE IS

How does one punctuate the above? No this is not some silly grammatical excercise. It seems to me this is actually a fairly profound question. Life is. It is a statement there can be no questions asked. It is an absolute certainty. That's it life nothing more deal with it. This is profound in the utmost but utterly bleak. If on the other hand Life is? This becons us to explore and to think and to come up with an answer ourselves. Life is? is the fundamental nature of science and of philosophy, and English and a whole slew of other disciplines. It also shows our human insecurities the fact that we really don't know what life is or what makes it tick or why or much in fact of anything in the universe at all. The question mark appears like someone's ear and asks us to listen. What do you think? But that question mark also comes to a point at its end. Will life? Are we listening to our lives simply to find this point and possibly missing the beautiful stories and journeys experienced along the way? The question mark if ever asked by a teacher is a sign of something that must be answered. Either if the teacher doesn't know then that is what we search for in our careers as scientists and students of life. If on the other hand the question mark is presented by the teacher. If it is not answered that is academic death. To leave a question blank preposterious! Something must be answered even if it is a complete guess. In our search for this elusive question mark of life are we hastily answering whatever we can find. Is there a right answer or is it one of those retorics that its not really the answer its the thought process that counts. Are there acts of evil or is it our intentions that matter? Is there a set code to what is right and wrong? Is there an answer that you will be graded on on life's final exam? Or is it the thought processes involved? What were you thinking when you stole that paper clip? Did you do the best you could in the situations you were given? Where you generally trying to be a good person? The very fact it is a question mark is the mark of a question. The mark of the unknown. So we have gone through the question and the statement, but neither of these are enough to express the great joy and wonder of life. So perhaps life is is not a . or a ? perhaps a better symbol of the infinite wonder of life would be Life is! Truly, consider even for a second just how many obstacles we have to face. Consider how many things in any given instant could kill us deader that Dicken's depiction Marley in his work a Christmas Carol. Consider the odds of all of the events that have to be in just the right concentrations and distances and proportions and everything else for life to be. Life is! wow! and what a life it is. We are not joe schmoe amoebas though no offense intended to Joe his life just ain't that great, though I am sure he/she/ they think otherwise. Look what we can do! Look how much more we still have to do! Look how diverse we are everything from viruses on life's obvious fringe to microbes in every environment possible. Whales and even possibly planets themselves if we believe the ideas first setforth by James Lovelock in the late 60s. Life is! And is it ever! This joy and exuberance sharply contrasts with the unemotional buddhist nirvana that life simply is. Life is all a round but ultimately a small insignificant barely noticable point. Life is nothing but a speck in the great expanse of the universe. Sure it is true, but it is a concept dreadfully hard to grasp, even if their are other dots just like us. Ending where we began growing from a spot to a large number stretching through space (!) even to the mark or super ability (the incredibles) to a question of if that is really true. Conveying the ideas of listening to each other and the world around. Marveling at the complexity of life and the world around us but being humble enough in our dot. From dots to dots, from the big Bang ! to making but a whimper. Life is a cycle, a cycle that runs the whole gamut of emotion and expression. And so perhaps the point we should make is to punctuate it with all three Life is.?!. But lest us forget, let us also consider that life is, there might yet be even better things to come....

Life is

In-Klein-ations

Day thirty I am almost through. To celebrate only one day left here's a bottle with only one side. Because there are no more days in November, here's a bottle with no volume that is still able to hold liquid. And becasue I think it is awesome, here's there site: http://www.kleinbottle.com/index.htm

(Don't worry even though Na-Blo-Po-Mo is almost over, I still intend to post quite regularly-albeit probably not daily as I am now entering that dreaded realm known as FINALS.)

Good luck with any last minute NOVELties.

A good idea, yes

http://www.sfheart.com/Gandhi.html

Should have been overheard

Professor: So this is real astrophysics here. I am not pulling any punches. This is the real stuff. Now do you want to solve problems or do you want to whine about it. ... 'cause I know I like to whine about it--Just ask my wife.

Student: I thought whining about it is what Teddy Bears are for.

Other Student: No, they're for solving calculus problems.

There will be no blood spilled today.

So here's how much of a pascifist I am. Today in microbiology lab we did blood typing e.g. our own. I don't not hurt things. I could not even prick myself. Four times I tried. Four times I failed. My hand was trembling so badly it got to the point that I couldn't get to the point. I took a stab at it. I was being a prick. But I just could not come to the point. I couldn't do it. I do not kill. Not even flies or spiders. Aparently I do not even hurt. To me ALL life is important. All life is special even sacred. Perhaps if the world felt this was so there would be Peace. My charge for today is to imagine a world in which we do not destroy, what would that be like? I cannot change the whole world in one swoop, but I can change the world. It might take a while, but it can be done. Today I will be the one to change. I will not kill. I will encourage you not to kill and to encourage others. Tomorrow it is up to you. So let there be peace.

Ways to tell that you are definately NOT an ART Major.

You have ever walked into your school's art building and building and ever muttered any of the following:

Urm,
Um,
Ok...
Sure...
Right...
or Whatever!?

If you have never paid more than 700$ for something a kindergartener could do, nor ever wanted to you, you definately are NOT an art major.

If you cannot BS at least a 2 page explaination of the significance of the piece you are looking at, its history and vital importance in the XY and Z cultural movements. Then you are definately NOT an art major.

If your classroom has chairs that are a shade, hue, subset/whatever of grey, and NOT one of the primary colors, then you might not be an art major.

If even after hearing the interpretation of the "masterpiece" you still think it looks like a box, you may not be an art major.

If you have never used the words Philistene, or "under appreciated talent" then you may be a candidate for Not being an art major.

If you either A. have no clue orB. Don't care that you have no clue as to what exactly a neoclassical movement is or how it differs from Baroque, Romantic, Rococco, Queen Anne style, or for that matter any other subtle distinction made over which colors and poses were used, then you might be something other than an art major.

Baret?
Eisle?

If you have ever had the urge to move ever so slightly just one of ANY of the pieces o so perfectly arranged, just to see what they would do or if they would even notice, then you might not be an art major.

If the outfit you wear to school has fewer than 300 colors you might not be an artist.

If you have never brought a ridiculously large thin bag to school that will never fit anywhere you might not be an artist.

If your are laughing at any of these.

If this list hasn't offended you, and I am not on your black list because of this--Then you might not be an art major.

Note of appeasement to the art majors out there: Please don't kill me, I really didn't mean it.

Looking Down in the Mouth

101 Tongue in cheek jokes

1. What do you call sad food?
A tongue depressor

2. What is a tongue's favorite candy?
Lick-orish

3. In which country does a tongue live?
Lick-tenstein

4. What type of Tongue grows on rocks?
Lick-en

5. What is a favorite punk rock band of a tongue?
Lick-en park

6. Wha was a tongues favorite president?
George Washing-tongue

7. What is the bane of all who are tongue tied?
A tongue lashing

8. Which island nation is inside your mouth?
Tongue-a

9. Which tongue host Jeopardy?
A-lick Trebeck

10. What is the smelliest tongue seasoning?
Gar-lick

11. WHat do you call a phone call for your mouth?
A tongue ring

12. What are some lyrics to a Johhny Cash song dealing with tongues?
"Hauling 16 tongues every day and what do you get..."

13. Two mouth organs were in a race, who won?
No one they tongue tied

14. Who is a famous tongue actor?
A-lick Baldwin

15. What do you call a primate overt display of affection?
A monkey french

16. What metal is found in your mouth?
Tongue-sten

17. Which young Egyptian mouth's tomb was found in 1923 by a Mr. Carter?
King Tu-Tongue-khamin

18. Where does the first president of this countries mouth live?
Washingtongue DC

19. Which kitchen utensil is used to grab hot mouth parts?
A pair of tongues

20. What do you call a tornado in someone's mouth?
A tongue twister

21. If you wear neck adornments on your tongue what are you?
Tongue tied

22. What is a popular drink appropriate for the joke book?
Gin and Tongues

23. What is a toy truck found in someone's mouth?
A tongue-a truck

24. Who is a famous tongue singer?
Epiglottis Knight

25. What do you call a sci-fi mouth fan?
A star Trechea

26. What do you call a swallow in the Carribean?
The Gulp of mexico

27. Name another mouth actor?
Carl-Tongue Hes-Tongue

28./29. Which two cities have more tongues than any othes?
Kingstongue and Manhattongue

30. Who is a famous Jazz tonguer?
Duke Elling-tongue

31. What do you call dried bread you put in your mouth?
A cru-tongue

32. What does a tongue paint?
A mouth-terpiece

33. What does a mouth use to paint?
A palatte

34. What do you call the roof of a holy knight's mouth?
A palatte-in (paladin)

35. What dos a palatte sleep under?
The roof of your mouth

36. Which Star Wars character has a foul mouth?
Emperor Palatte-in

37. How do you lift really heavy mouths with a fork lift?
By using palattes

38. What do you call a kinesthetic excerise of the mouth?
Palattes

39. How do you catch a tongue?
With a mouth-trap

40 If Mickey has to rescue Minnie, what is that called?
Mouse to mouse rescuscitation.

41. What type of insurance do most dentists have?
Acci-dental-insurance

42. How do you tell how much teeth weigh?
By their Molar mass

43. What do you call a fruity dentist?
The tooth fairy (sorry)

44. What is a another name for an elderly assistant?
An in-dentured servant

45. What is the favorite party game of dentists?
Tooth or Consequences

46. What do you feed a baby dentist?
A dental formula

47. What is the favorire game of a dentist?
Bridge

48. Why did the patient have the top of his mouth removed?
He had too much on his palatte.

49.What is the best part of being an orthodontist?
You always have a roof over your head.

50. What is the worst part of being a dentist?
You are always looking down in the mouth

51. Why can't an anethesiologist canount to three?
Because there is NO2

52. What is a denstist's favorite spice?
Ginger-vitis

53. Whay is a retired dentist serrated?
Because he saw tooth

54. What does a dentist say when he/she makes a joke?
Just teething (teasing)

55.Why are dentists like royalty?
Because of all the crowns they deal with

56. What do you call a man-made water way connecting two teeth?
A root canal

57. What do you call a dental garden?
A ROOT canal

58. How did the dentist deal witht he insult?
He brushed it off.

59. If a densitst did'nt win what did he do?
He flossed.

60. How does a dentist hold his teeth together?
With toothpaste

61. Why didn't the dentist join the track team?
His mother told him never to run with incisors

62. How is lead different that a tooth doctor?
One is a dentist the other is the densist

63. Which tooth is the most popular on Valentines Day?
The Bi-Cupids

64. What type of shoes does a dentist wear around the house?
Loafer donts

65. What is the most common type of tooth among bakers?
Bun-odont

66. What is the most popular type of tooth in Beverly Hills?
Saline-odont

67. What typ of tooth/jaw attachement did Noah have?
Ark-odont

68. Why do so few people study teeth?
Because it is a dont-ing task.

69. What is another favorite game among dentists?
Hide and go thecodont?

70. What is a game budding yound orthodontistsplayed?
Connect the donts

71. If something si not sinulodont, what is it?
Pleurodont

72. What do you call advice from a dentist?
The dos and donts

73. Alternative definition: Dontopedology
They science of opening your mouth and sticking your foot in it

74. What is the motto of a lazy orthodontist?
Brace yourself

75. AD: Gingivitis
Gum eraser

76. Who is a dentist's favorite sleuth?
Peridontal Mason

77. After graduating from dental school what do you get?
A plaque to hang on your wall

78. AD: Dentureless
Chewing gums

79. AD: Behind bars
See braces

80. What does a toothbrush do when it sees someone it doesn't like?
It bristles

81. What guards a dental castle keeping away evil spirits?
A gargle (gargoyle)

82. What nationality are most teeth cleaners?
Polish

83. Who is the favorite pirate of a tooth cleaner?
Captain hook

84. How does a tooth cleaner make a living?
They just barely scrape by

85. AD: Oil driller
What a dentist would be if he/she were not in the dental field

86. After learning his one multiplication tables what did the young dentist move to?
His tooths

87. Who is the main character in the HitchHiker's guide to dentistry?
Arthur Dentist

88. Why is a tooth aligner always perpendicular?
Because he is orthogonal

89. Why was the orthodontics patient so mad at his doctor?
He felt he was maligned

90. What isa a dentists favorite quote from a midsummer night dream?
"Mine ears are much enameld to thy voice."

91. Why is dentistry such a hard subject?
Because of the enamle

92. How is a sledge hammer like a dentist?
They both like dentin things

93. Why did the tooth have to be removed?
To get at the root of the problem.

94. Why was the mob of dentist arrested?
For incising a riot

95. What does a dentist call a race of creatures on Star trek?
The Carnassials

96. What do you call a dog that has hade is two sharpest teeth removed?
The Canine Eunich

97. Where do dentist launch the space shuttle from?
Cape Carnassial

98. What do you call the tooth used for tearing in pinnipeds?
The Carnas-seal

99.If dentists were involved in the stock market what might they be called?
Incisor traders

100. What is a favorite dessert among dentists?
The bicustards

101. Who lost at the dental battle of little bighorn?
General Bicuspid

bonus joke: What is a dentist's favorite time?
Tooth hurty

Part 6-The second: Lock, Stock, but no barrel

The books pages I'd turned.
And now it must be returned.
Look throught eh jail window I see much betting,
Will their book they be getting.
There standing guard
Waiting for the burgalar vangaurd.
Tossed a rock at the door.
It worked they opened it to explore.
Invisible in I snuck.
Would I succeed, would I have luck?
The smoke stick I snapped
Enshrouding mist I was wrapped.
Drop the book.
Leave without a backward look.
The book I was just about to place.
When snached by the gaurd with the necklace.
An amulet of true see
Was around the neck of he.
Grabbed by his hand before the book did land.
Down his shirt I did drop,
A bag of caltrop.
Well the one in the corner it looks like won the bet.
Tossed the snare and I was in the internet.
A bump in a net they could now see.
They found it only right to pumel me.
A Sewing needle I drew. I poked into my captor's skin
A blade of metal thin.
My sword I did not draw,
For with the locals I did not want a guffaw.
Wrapped in a net I did fight.
My struggles they lasted through the night.
In a net I was wrought.
But time in a jail cell I bought.
Into the cell I was thrown.
My cover and my plan blown.
Eventually, in a cloud of sleep they were drapped.
That is when I escaped.
My picks they had not took.
The lock I shimmed and I shook.
Free was I
But I had to fly.
I tripped.
Upon the rug I slipped.
The gaurd did wake.
My pick he did take.
And my shirt...and my pants
I was put in the stocks wearing scants.
The gaurds did watch
To make sure no more escapes I did botch.
Into the stocks.
Down came the locks.
I bided my time.
And awaited the oppertunity to escape the punishment of my crime.
Then one night much to drink the gaurd had draught.
It was the moment that I sought.
The wood I chewed with the aperture below my nose.
A sliver of wood I dropped and picked up with my toes.
Between the digits of my feet I did stick.
The stick the locks I would pick.
Loosed the lock with a stick and my toes.
How I managed that one only Luck knows.
I'm FREE! shouted me.
Woke up the gaurd did he.
Back to the blocks.
This time latched with ev'n more locks.
Guards all a round.
Smack in the middle of the town.
Rotten produce the town di produce.
My face was covered in icky tomato juice.
With a lettuce head they hit mi head.
Their aim was on it was dead.
And if it weren't bad enough to be the aim of their veggies.
They pull mi shorts and gave me wedgies.
At long last.
It was the diplomacy of St. Dewey Hackenbash,
That got me frees.
and put me on me knees.
Finally my stuff I got back.
The necromancer who we sought we were finally able to track.
Curious were they.
OF who this weird game would play.
Who on Earth would break INTO a jail.
Steal only a book. And leave a note queing the guards to his trail?
They couldn't understand it their brows began to twitch.
But that is the nature of Jytan Fitch.
Ah but my tail is not over yet.
There is more, much more this you can bet.
A Thorp full of woe.
There more in the way of adventures and undead foe.
SO read again
and hang onto your skin.
There's more tales of slash and smash
Of Fitch , the dorf, and Sir Hackenbash.

Overheard

Me: Why'd you throw out the milk?
Dad: It SMELLED warm.

Part 6: Stocks and bonds

In through the front door
What a bore.
Uptop
Now that's my stop
To the roof of the jail I threw the grappling hook.
And not a sec la'er a man did pass clearly thinking I was a common crook.
So conviced him I did , that I was not a crook but merely a street performer.
Disappearing a grappling hook is a tall order.
So, from an extension of a trick I'd learned in a book
I disappeared that grappling hook.
Wow that's quite the trick.
But if you're a street proformer with just one you're pretty thick.
I wanna see another.
And this one should be even better.
A grappling hook I'd vanished up my sleeve,
And this chap wasn't satisfied, How I wised he'd just leave.
Of my tricks, I'd just run out.
I decided there was only one way to deal with this lout.
I threw him a punch and hoped it would land him square.
I missed it was nothing but air.
When I swung he just wasn't there.
He fights dirty and that wasn't fair.
So off fled he.
To tell the gaurds of the city.
And now it gets exciting.
Three minutes to be in and out before there is fighting.
So the hook I did hurl.
Around a fixture on the roof it did curl.
Before much further I will go.
The lodgings of my friends this you should know.
The second floor of the Tavern of the barkeep,
Dewey and the Dwarf Ulfgarr did sleep.
While they somnabulised
The jail I attempted to burgalize.
Up the rope I did shimmy.
Open the window I did jimmy.
Escape I did not.
It was an inscape I sought.
Fortuitously I am skinny
From an outty I was now an innee.
To avoid beeing seen
I used the wand and gave myslf an invisible scheen.
The proceedings of the town and what they did post,
These where what I wanted most.
You'll find it quite a relief
To know that I Jytan Fitch am an honest theif
The log I did retrieve,
But a note I did leave.
The book I dist borrow,
"Ever so sorry for your sorrow.
I promise to return it upon the morrow."
The gaurds were back it was time to go.
And so I hid under the stairs.
Even while invisible sought to, avoid their stares.
To create a distraction
I needed to take action.
Against the door the chair I threw.
Back to the roof , like the wind I flew.
Down the rope and to the room next door.
Escaping the gaurds would be my next chore.
Of me
Briefly they did see.
As I was coming off the roof.
Off my invisiblity did poof!
Now the chase was on
From the scene did I abscond.
Lest to the gaurds I wanted to meet my ends.
My only hope was to find my friends.
Oh how they were hot upon my tail.
Fortunately even this cowards courage did not fail.
Up the stairs I stomped.
Fast behind the gaurds they tromped.
Chaotic good I am, but that don't mean I ain't a liar.
I snapped a smokestick and shouted FIRE!
Amid Panic and chaos I did run.
Unfortunately Time I didn't have to watch the fun.
To the window the grappler was sent.
Told me friends and down we went.
Left our coins for the rent.
Alas now our money was spent.
But down the rope we flew.
Myself, The dwarf, and Dewey Too.
The rope was strong.
But the window didn't last long.
Down we would crash.
Me, the dwarf, and finally Mr. Hackenbash.
You needn't worry at all.
None of them got hurt, I broke their fall.
A head ache I had that would have required pills.
No time for that we headed for the hills.
From the mix
Because of our tricks.
We tried hard.
And fortunately we lost the city gaurd.
After a time we were freed.
So the book I sat down to read.
Tales of illicit romance
every record of who did prance.
And more important, much information we did gleam.
From our book stealing scheme.
Night did fall.
Our so comfortable stoney beds did call.
And so we slept.
Except for Me, Fitch who after reading tales of forlorn love--wept.
In the morn when we were rested.
My thieving skills again would be tested.
Twas enough of a sin simply breaking in.
But I Fitch, I had to do it again.
The book I said I would return.
I would place it right back next to the Urn.
Ah but thanks to the note I left, Now they were expecting.
Much harder would it be when they are actively protecting.
Tune in on the next sun.
To find more of Fitch's fun.
It is a whole other tale
Of whether I did succed or if I did fail.
Did Fitch pick the locks,
Or does he end up in the stocks?
Read again and you shall see,
Just what is the fate that befalls me.

TiEPos

So I was reading back through some of my posts--aparently there are quite a few typos in them. For now I am going to simply wave my hands at them and exclaim that they live here to henceforth I shan't eradicate them yet--Just yet anyways. I might yet become a linguistic exterminator and attempt to vanquish such thinglies. But for now they can have the run of the place. Incidently a fun excercise might be to read through all several hundred of my postings and keep a running tally of my composural mistakes. But somehow I get the feeling that if I am some what lax in MY efforts to hunt them down, I don't imagine anyone else will either. Ah well Have a Happy thanksgiving may it be free of misgivings and hope your day goes better than the turkey's.

Part 5: Battle of the fifths

...And one barroom brawl
to end them all.
And in darkness pants them.
Sewed shut and given a new hem.
The den of sin--
The tavern we found our selves in.
A drink we had, the news we heard.
Two drunken lords gave us the bird.
The maiden barkeep they mistreated.
The battle was on, and soon it was heated.
The fists they threw,
The tankards too.
While Dewey distracted,
It was I, Fitch who acted.
Taking needle and thread and stuffing it through leather.
I sewed his boots together.
Surprised, that he did not feel,
The needle passing just beyond his heel.
After his act of disgrace,
This chum deserved to fall upon his face.
Splat!
Obviously he is not the Kwisatz Haderach.
The fight, quickly it got out of control.
Even barrels of ale began to roll.
But the thugs we sent.
The seat of their pants rent.
Oh how hard it is to stride,
Especially to carry your self with pride,
when your boot laces
Are thouroughly tied in many places.
His pants I stiched,
them together I hitched.
I used some glues,
to affix ones hands to his shoes.
My jests I don't lack,
for I furthered the trick
with a tack
Planted firmly in his back.
I thought it pretty slick.
When all was said and done.
The thugs were gone, we'd had our fun.
But, a mess we'd made.
So to clean up we stayed.
In doing so we heard the tale of woe.
Only amid the books I had read
Had I ever heard of undead.
Death revived.
Reanimating those who had not survived.
A necromancer made his residence here.
Of course his ambitions: to take over the world and to spread fear.
Through a corps of corpses
the streets would courses.
We had to know his plan
the plan of this possesse'd man.
Off to the jail we set,
Was their a plan--you bet.
We sought the city record cards,
Owned and stored by naught but the gaurds.
Me, Fitch, an or'inry bloke,
INTO prison I would soon try to broke.
My idea, well it works
But not without quite a few quirks.
So tomorrow you'll have to read,
to find out if I really did succeed.

Part 4: The orcish war

Those rascally rogues.
They wandered the land in droves.
Rapists, plunders, and pillagers
Murdered and stole from the villagers.
With their wicked convoy
They did burn the land and destroy.
After a town they had sacked.
Their victims lay tortured with agony wracked.
The more their numbers grew,
The more denizens they slew.
And so we snuck upon a band
Not until we had them surrounded was the battle at hand.
I used the wand of invisibility
cast the spell so they could not see me.
To enwrap the squadrons
of the rapscallions,
To ensnare the lot with rope,
That was my aim and my hope.
To run the rope around them all,
Pull it tight, trip their legs, and watch them fall.
That was the plan,
But Dewey was born and bread a fighting man.
He had his fun
And finished them off afore I was done.
With much leity,
Dewey made of the orcs in their entirety
And did so with much brevity.
Smacking orcs hard enough they defied gravity.
An orge as their lead,
He was the last obstacle that did impede.
Took off did he.
Rampaging through the brush, flattening the tree.
Him we did track.
Following his evidences was easy--their was no lack.
Deep, deep into the forest,
he did lure us.
Only over his dead body would his loot he leave.
Gold, diamonds and gems we did retrieve.
Possessions of the villages we unanimously said.
But upon our returning.
We found the hamlets burning.
And as for the villagers they were all dead.
We did not want to waste.
So the items owners we took their place.
And in the town we we did the selling.
A bar fight we found compelling.
but tomorrow you'll have to tune
to hear our tale of the fight in the barroom.

Ah, The Joys of Irony

So between classes today I found a poster that made me laugh. "NEED HELP WITH MATHEMATICS OVER THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY? Come to the Math tutoring lab We will be open during the Thanksgiving break!

Closed: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Part 3: Dwarf freed, Celebrate with a tankard of mead

Aprendes the dwarf we did meet.
His runemaster friends we did greet
A blade with greater cleave
With Dewey they did leave.
Strange trinkets the mage masters sought.
Things they that could not be bought.
What would fill their bag of tricks
Ear of ogre, and toenail of gargoyle were thrown in the mix.
For saving their friend in his time of need,
loaded us with loot did they indeed.
In exchange for a gargoyle toe,
I got a flame bringing bow.
Il Farhendum: Bringer of the Inferno
A mighty bolt of fire this would throw.
What else was crafted by these master wizards?
A blade blessed by blizzards.
Isenghast: Frozen blade,
Greatest rapier ever made.
Into battle forges this blade of frost,
Many it has won, but few it has lost.
Dewey the fighter,
In his new magic armor he gleamed even brighter.
Other gifts we received
One had not to be seen to be believed.
The gift was a wand;
With a wave of a hand.
From the site the weilder would abscond.
vanish outright from the land.
What was this gift that was given to me?
A wand of lesser Invisibility.
Gifts- there were two other things.
Most masterfully forged healing rings.
50 charges had they,
but only usable a certain number of times per day.
Not entirely free were these epic stores.
Promised we to do what we could in ade against the orc wars.
So ere left we to the runeing mastsers,
Left them to ward off their own disasters.
Our new found gear we did stowe.
Oft to battle we were set to go.
Anon our heroes met their next fork
What to do about a band of orc?
Tune in again on the week's second day
To find out how this battle did play.
Will they find danger or will they find the way?
How will they do in their orcish foray?
Read again
It is only then you will find how it will end.
Tune in tomorrow,
beit for battle or for sorrow.

Today Calculus Wins!

No posts today. FAR too much calculus homework to post anything.

101 Remote sensing/ cartography jokes

1. Do you have to understand everything about geographic information systems?
No, so long as you get the GIS of it.

2. Why was an early 1900s equal area true meridian scale projection so angry?
He had a bonne to pick

3. What do you call an ungulate overhead?
An azi-moose-al projection.

4. If a map is made by little tiny men with long beards from the inside of the globe, which type of projection is it?
Gnome-onic

5. How do geographers find the girl they are going to marry?
They datum

6. How do you cylindriacally project a three dimmensional ocean bird into two dimensions?
Using a sea Gall Stereoscopic projection of course.

7. Why was the 1855 projection having two standard parallels at 45 N and 45 S so gutsy?
It had a lot of Gall

8. How is a map like a fish?
They both have scales

9. How is the US government like a map?
In theory they both have representative fractions

10. Who was a famous knight in space?
Sir LandSat-lot

11. How is cooking for hire like a map maker?
One is a Catering business, the other is a mercatoring business

12. Who do you hire for a map of a shopping vessle?
A cart-ographer

13. How to you pictorally represent an automobile?
With a CARtographer

14. Is a cross dressing cartographer a transversite.

15. How is an English essay like cartography?
In both you are asked to draw parallels

16. Is the motto of remote sensing, To ERDAS is human?

17. What is the favorite dance of navigators?
The rhumb-a

18. Do RS analysts have a favorite band?

19. Image analysts are men of resolve.

20. What is the prominent religion of Jamaican Remote Sensing analysts?
Raster-farians

21. Band with the belt size of an RS analysts favorite band?

22. What happens if you give a spectral sensor sugar?
You end up with Hyperspectral images

23. What do remote sensing analysts cook data in?
A Panchromatic image

24. What do you call something difficult to an RS agent?
A pain in the Raster

25. How do you measure distances in GIS?
By Using the ARClength formulas

26. Who audits RS agents?
The IRS

27. What is a dalmations favorite satellite platform?
Spot

28. Why is the space shuttle interferometry data quite trippy?
Because it is SIReal

29. If RS agents get sick have they picked up AVIRIS? And if they have, is it the SAR virius?

30. What are some bad qualities of an RS agent?
AVIRIS and greed

31. When the goings get TIFF, The TIFF get going.

32. How do Remote sensing systems hold up their jtents?
With JPEGS

33. Alternative definition: False Color Composite
See also Michael Jackson's skin color

34. What do RS engineers go to the zoo to see?
TIGERs

35. What do image analyst go to Egypt to see?
The great pyramid layers

36. Does imaging of DNA use pyrimidine layers?

37. While roaming do as the roamins

38. How much does history weigh?
1 Histogram

39. How do Image analysts turn their pancakes?
With a spatial-a

40. Who is the favorite horror monster of Image interpreters?
Count Spatial-a

41. If you are afraid of the air, is that an atmos-fear?

42. How do you determine how strong someone's ring is?
By measuring the signet to noise ratio

43. How does a Remote Sensor call someone an idiot?
By telling them they are at full wit but only half maximum

44. How do you interpret a hotel lobby?
With Foyer analysis

45. How do you see the atmosphere?
Through atmospheric windows

46. If you heard on the airwaves that America was finally switching to the European system of lengths and measures, would that be Radiometric data?

47. If Mr. Rogers had been an image analyst instead, what would have been his theme song?
Oh Won't you be my nearest neighbor

48. How much does an image weigh?
1 photogram-metric

49. The energy inside an imaging platform joins the Sith?
Is that darkside current?

50. How do geographers sign up for their classes?
At Re-GIS-tration

51. Who hosts "Who wants to be an image analizer"?
Re-GIS Philben

52. Alternative definition: Cubic Convolution
The best way of interpreting Picasso's work

53. The geographer just went down a very steep slope.
It was quite a relief

54. Who is the main villan in Remote Sensing version of Star Wars?
Darth Vector

55. Altoids, deltoids, metroids, and spheroids

56. How do you measure how similar two bays are?
No, You don't need Baysian statistics you simply use COVE-variance

57. How do you trademark a satellite?
By writting Landsat TM

58. What does a dyslexic paramedic and a satellite sensor have in common?
They are both ETMs

59. How do image analysts pay for things?
They send each other the BIL

60. What is the difference between satellite imagery and a bodybuilding photoshoot?
One deals with multispectral images the other deals with multi-pectoral images

61. Is a class were everyone fails a low pass filter?

62. Do soldiers have to salute a convolution kernal?

63. Alternative definition: Hyperspectral cube
The means of travel ammong the borg

64. What do you call friendly ticks?
Nice lines (Its the same thing you say at Disneyland)

65. Alternative definition: Look Up table
What you said as a kid while playing hide and go seek while you were hidden under the table. Look up-- table

66. Alternative definition: 12 o clock straight up
Orthorectified noon

67. Who did many image analysts vote for in an election?
Ralph Nadir

68. Who else might be the villan in Satellite Star Wars?
Darth Nadir

69. How do convolution filters sleep at night?
By using a mask (they also go scuba diving that way too)

70. What do image analysts listen to while they work?
An Apple IFOV

71. Does a Satellite speak with a LISS?

72. If you talk bad about Side Long Radar, is that a racial SLAR

73. Now here's a broad scale all encompassing that is really hot:
Advanced Very High Resolution Radiometer 1.1 km

74. Satellites played a game of musical chairs Radar lost because RADARSAT sat where LANSAT

75. How did lightning travel across a map?
It ARCed

76. ESRI has combined ARCmap with ARC GIS they are calling it ARCweld

77. What do you call the numbers involved cartography?
Mapmathics

78. None of the map projections are the best, but their are some that are Goode

79. What disease does an Oblique Conic Conformal projection suffer from?
It is Bipolar

80. What is the math most image scientist deal with?
ADRIing and subtractring

81. Alternative definition: stereo pairs
The speakers on either side of your boom box

82. Alternative definitions: Attitude Control System
See also "principal's office"

83. Who do seahusbands marry?
SeaWiFS

84. Alternative Definition: Arial Imagery
See also "Disney's Little Mermaid"

85.-88. Alternative definition: Base map
An image of Hill field
The layout of where OH- ions are placed
Showing what are belong to us

89. The geographer fell down. You might say he BIIFed it.

90. Alternative Definition: Bin Function
Son of Bin Laden

91. Alternative definition:bit
How you lead a horse

92. Alternative definition: horizontal overlap
The term for displacement of stomach beyond a belt

93. Alternative defininition: bpi
A factor of b times 3.14159265353...

94. Alternative definition: Buffer zone
A region just outside a Base map

95. Alternative definition: Baby on your doorstep
See also 'Bundle Location"

96. Alternative definition: Byte
What the bundle on your doorstep will do

97. Alternative definition: Cartesian
A C grade Artesian-- in other words a bad painter

98.AD: Colorguns
See also "Paintball"

99. AD: Dynamic Range
What is lacking in most Jr. High bands

100. AD: a sharpening stone
See :Edge Enhancer

101. AD: exposure station
See also "Strip club"

Bonus jokes

AD: fast fourier transform
See also Lobby makeovers

AD: File coordinates
Where you left your rass-ter

AD: Ground truthing
President Bush's new term for methods of Torture

LIDAR LIDAR pants on FIDAR

AD:Image pair
The only fruit an image analyst will eat

AD: Image scale
How you know one image weighs one photgrammetric

AD: monochromatic image
Low diverstiy

AD: NOAA
what I say when I need batteries

AD: Reference pixels
The little fairies in the library who find things out for you

AD: Rubber sheeting
Kids read this, so I won't post what you are thinking

Do cartographers like maps?
They like SOM

AD:Specle noise
The latest craze in music

AD:Spectroscopy
a procedure slightly less painful than a colonoscopy

AD: Spline
what you have fixed by a chiropractor

AD Striping
When more than just data is removed ;)

AD: Tie point
just below the neck

AD: Foreshortening
What mommy went to the store for

AD:Unscaled map
No fish

AD: UPS
duh what else would it be?

AD: Volume set
Where my radio stays

AD: Wavelet
The half hearted greeting a nerd gets from a popular girl--when he's lucky.

How were these jokes?
far out
over my head
just going round an round
Full of IMAGEination

BAD really really bad!!