101 Jokes that don't measure up

101 Puns that just don't measure up

1. A joke about a ruler was told for good measure

2. The rulers favorite shakespearean play is measure for measure

3. The candle was at wicks end.

4. Lawyer owns a bar only serves beer

5. tennis player owns a bar only serves and returns drinks

6. Why are fire-engines red?
2+2=4, 4x3, is twelve, twelve inches is a ruler, a great ruler was Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Elizabeth sailed the ocean, the ocean has fish, fish have fins, Finns fought the Russians, Russians are red, Fire engines are red because of all the Russian around they do.

7. Alternative definitions Butcher
See meter


8. What is the most dangerous unit of measure?
2.54 centimeters because it is always within an inch of its life

9. What is a fluid measures favorite book?
The Wizard of oz.

10. Why did the field go to the dentist?
It had a tooth acre

11. What do you call it if you put a spell on a field?
A hexacre

12. What did the judge sentence the atom to?
Angstrom management classes.

13. Why are fish like balances?
They both have scales

14. Alternative definitions: AU
astronomer gold

15. What is the favorite dog food of a computer programer?
Kibbles and bits

16. Why was the programer unhappy?
He was coming to bits

17. How does a programer lead a horse?
By a bit

18. Why don't lumberjacks go hiking?
They get board feet

19. What do you call a hundred legged unit of measure?
A centimeter

20. Who is the goddess of Greek Measuring?
De meter

21. Why couldn't the english volume unit dance?
Because he had two cubic feet

22. Why couldn't the unit for 24 hours concentrate?
He was a little days

23. So a royal army invaded a town and measured everything to the nearest 1/10th of a meter. the town was decimetered

24. Metrically minded aliens invaded Earth and promptly wanted to be taken to our liter.

25. The temperature goes up by degrees

26. Temperature is the smartest universal quantity.
It has the most degrees

27. Who was a famous thermal alchemist?
Par-Celsius

28. Is arcophobic temperature afraid of Fahrenheights?

29. Is something smaller than six feet un-fathomable?

30. What do you call the 6 foot play taking place in an opera house?
The fathom of the opera

31. What do you call a one humped liquid camel?
a DRAMendary

32. What is the fastest spice measure?
The 50 yard dash (its also the longest.)

33. How is a sailor's measure like a scout camp intructor being tickled with rope?
One is a nautical mile the other is a knot tickle smile

34. How much does a snow leopard weigh?
One ounce [the ancient Latin name for a snow leopard was the Ounce--in fact the cat still bears this as its scientific name Oncia oncia]

35. How is the Spanish Inquisition like a physics class?
They both involve unit conversions

36. How is stochiometry different from castration?
One is a unit conversion the other is a eunich conversion {SORRY if this one offends}

37. Why should you never name your horse giga?
Because if you do you can be guaranteed lots of gigabites

A gill = half a cup

38 fish have only 8 oz of water they only have two gills

39. Which contry singer is only 4 oz?
Vince gill

40. Which unit was a hero in the battle for Troy?
Hectare

41. What do time units fill up on at parties?
Hour deurves

42. What is the favorite geographic destination of length measures?
Inch-on

43. If terabytes equal a trillion bits, and gigabytes equal a billion bits what do trilobytes equal?

44. What is the favorite star trek race for units?
The kilograms (klingons)

45. How is music like the metric system?
They both have meters

46. How is atmospheric science like inebriands?
They both deal in bars

47. What do you call a twisting pressure?
TORR que

48. What does a pressure unit call to a bull?
TORR o TORR o

49. Alternatve definition: Miliseconds
What Mili eats after firsts

Beware this one is BAD
50. Alternative definiton: Minutemen
The average guy

51. Alternative definition: nanometers
The things that pop up on everyone's blog every November saying what their current word count is.

52. A snow leopard leaps--It P-ounces

'nother bad one
53. Alternative definition: Parsecs
How baby pars are made

54. How much lobster do you have on St. Patricks day?
Just a pinch

55. Is the list of everyone on Jenny Craig a Weighting list

56. The dieter was at widths end

57. Doctors tell us that there are 7 million people who are over weight--but this is just a round number

58. Diet is DIE with a tea

59. Alternative definition: Microsoft
A unit equal to1x 10^-6 softs

60.-64. Alternative definition: Quarts
The gem that is in most watches
What you play tennis on
wooing
Sub atomic particles
The ____ of true love never did run smooth

65-67. Alternative definition: Rods
The unit of measure for a fisherman's ego
Also the unit of measure for a classic car enthusiasts ego
And the size a nuclear power plant is measured in

68-69. Alternative definition: Pounds
What we Americans carry around our mid sections
What scouts do all day long in leather work

69. Alternative definition: Square centimeters
The uncool centimeters

70/71. Alternative definition: square meters
A measure of the Scion
and a device for measuring Rhombusness















Here's a scion if you've never seen one. UGGH! Right up there with TP cruisers.

72. Alternative definition: kilometer
What assassins use to measure their progress

73. Alternative definition: half pint
See also kids

74. Alternative definition: Square yards
The arm of a ship mast that supports the sails

75. What is the difference between one yard and two?
A fence

76. Alternative definition: Micrograms
What you see when you look through a microscope after doing the most common stain in microbiology.

78. What do people who weigh things strive for in life?
A balanced existence

79. How is English poetry like an SI/ English unit hybrid?
They both deal with metric feet

80. What do you call a yellow rat one billionth of an inch long?
A pico-chew

81. What is the weather like to an atom?
It is filled with angstorms

82. Alternative definition: Exponent
A former opponent or proponent

83. How much do letters weigh?
1 telegram

84. What do you call charge 1 meter long?
A Coulombmeter

85. Who is the most awesome measuring device?
The Cool-ombmeter

86. What do you call bakers units that like to tease?
Tease-spoons

87. What can you find in a RULER’s crown?
The family Jules

88. What do you call a unit of magnetic flux that fits perfectly together to fill all available space?
A Tessla-ation

89. Which unit of inductance was a famous short story writer?
Oh Henry

90. What do you call a coulomb per second living in a tent?
A happy c-ampere

91. How do you talk about two units of electricity?
You use the Ampere sand

92. How do you convince someone of the speed of light?
C-ing is believing

93. What is the difference between the Russian CIA and a 2.205 pound bee?
One is the KGB the other is a kgBee
94. Where do knights keep their flags?
With the Bureau of Standards

95. How is an abstract mathematical space like a system of measure?
They are both metrics

96. How much money can be made in time?
40 cents it is after all four DIMEnsional

97. Why are measures not very smart?
They are DIMensions

98. Why is music like the metric system?
Both have meters and measures

99. Why is a 3 foot house cleaner like a parking ticket distributor?
They are both meter maids

100. More puns will come at length.

101. If you want more perhaps you will just have to weight.