Thursday, November 09, 2006

A Whole Lot of Bull



It was udder-ly ridiculous!-- Lucine Emrazian

This book made me want to immediately run home and call my M-udder!-- Jim

Your work has Mooo-ved me! My dear ol Mum

This was the best book I have ever read, and that's no Bull --The udder 1/2 of Jim

Reader Beware: The following are quite possibly the worst jokes you have ever herd on the topic of cattle. For the most part all of my jokes are clean. Some require certain background information and almost all are just plain dumb.

1. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef

2. Q: What do you call a cow with no hind legs?
A: An Udder Drag

3. Q: What do you call a cow with no right legs?
A: Lean Beef

4. Q: What do you call a cow with no left legs?
A: All Right

5. Q: Where do you find a cow with no legs?
A: Right where you left him (Why shouldn't you sky dive? It really scares the cow)

6. Q: Where do you get dragon milk?
A: From a short legged cow

7. Q: What do you call a no legged cow?
A: Patty

8. Q: What do you call a cow whose udder doesn't work?
A: An Udder Failure

9. Q: What else do you call a cow whose Udder doesn't work?
A: A Milk Dud

10. Q: What do you get if a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
A: Shredded Beef (Utter destruction)

11. Q: What do you get if you spill something on a cow?
A: A Holstain

12. Q: What do you get if you have two cows in a tug-of-war?
A: Beef Jerky

13. Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: 'cause their horns don't work

14. Q: If a cow laughs does milk come out its nose? ????????????

15. City Folk (Ci F): Nice bunch a cows you got there.
Country Folk (Co F): It's not a bunch, it's a herd.
Ci F: Heard What?
Co F: Herd of Cattle.
Ci F: Why sure I've heard of cattle.
Co F: No a cow herd!
Ci F: I don't care if a cow heard I ain't got no secrets!

16. Q: A cow was once heard quoting the following #s 3.141592, do you know what it was?
A: A Cow Pi

17. Q: What do you know if you find bones on the moon?
A: The cow didn't make it

18. Q: What do you call a cow magician?
A: Moo-dini

19. Q: Where do you cultivate cattle?
A: On a Bo-vine

20. Q: What city has more cattle than any other?
A: Moo York City

21. Q: Name another city famous for beef?
A: MosCow

22. Q: Who owns Play Cow magazine?
A: Hugh Heifer

23. Q: What do you tabulate cattle with?
A: A Cow-culator

24. Q: When cows suffer PMS what do they go through?
A: Mooood Swings

25. Q: When schools are hiring what position should a cow apply for?
A: A Guidance Cow-ncelor

26. Q: Did you know Caesar married a cow?
A: Cow-pernia

27. Q: What do you call the face of a cow?
A: Her Cow-ntenance

28. Q: What do you get if you cross an Angus with a chicken?
A: A Cow-ard

29. Q: What is a bovine's favorite celestial body?
A: The Moooon

30. Q: Are you sure, one cow said to the other?
A: I'd be willing to steak my life on it.

31. Q: What do cattle hold down tents with?
A: Tent Steaks

32. Q: What do you call small grass like cattle?
A: Moss-cow 3

3. Q: If a cow does not speak clearly what is she doing?
A: M-udder-ing

34. Q: What do you say to a 5 million pound cow wearing headphones?
A: Anything you want, she can't hear you. and doesn't speak english anyway.

35. Q: What is the favorite classical composer for cattle?
A: Beef-thoven

36. Q: Why do cows listen to Beethoven?
A: They like his MOOO-sic

37. Knock, Knock Mooo's There?
Interrupting Cow

38. Knock, Knock Mooo's There?
Em Em Who?
What are you a cow?

39. Knock, Knock Moo's There?
Cowp Cowp Who?
No Thanks, I'll pass.

40. Q: What are a cow's favorite Greek letters?
A: α-α (alfalfa)

41. Q: What is a cow's second favorite Greek letter?
A: Moo (μ)

42. Q: What do you call a spendthrift Bovine?
A: A MOOO-cher

43. Q: Where does a cow take a date?
A: To the Moo-vies

44. Q: Name a cow's favorite movie?
A: Moo-lan Rouge

45. Q: Name another movie popular among young cattle?
A: Moo-lan

46. Q: What a cow earns?
A: Moo-lah

47. Q: What do you call a cow after giving birth?
A: De-calf

48. Q: What is the strongest muscle on a cow?
A: Its calf muscles

49. Q: Who do cattle rely on to keep track of their money?
A: Ac-Cow-ntants

Now, The real number 50
50. Q: What do you get if you mix cattle with Raisin Bran?
A: The Running of the Bulls

51. Q: Name a cow horror movie?
A: Return of the Invisi-Bull Man

52. Q: Who else could own PlayBull magazine?
A: Hugh Hoofner

53. Q: What math do most cattle take?
A: Cow-culus

54. Q: What is the favorite deli meat for cows?
A: Bull-oney

55. Q: What do Cattle wear?
A: Jerseys

56. Q: What do cowboys go to the prom on?
A: A limousine* (or if you don't like that a lim-Moo-sine)
*A limousine is a breed of cattle

57. Q: What do you call the super hero among cattle?
A: Capa-Bull

58. Q: Who is the most famous cow in the Bible?
A: Cain and A-Bull 59.

Q: Who is the second most famous Biblical Cow?
A: Moo-ses

60. Q: According to the Greeks, what group of cattle are the best at art?
A: The Nine Moo-ses (Muses)

60-70. The complete works of William Shakes-steer:
Ti-Moo-n of Athens
The Tragedy of King Rich-Herd II
The Tragedy of Troilus and Cow-sida
King Steer
Much A-Moo About Nothing
The Tragedy of Coriol-Angus
The Tragedy of Prince Ha-Moo-let
Taming of the Moo
Cow-moo-dy of Errors

71. Q: What is a cow's favorite salad dressing?
A: Ranch

72. Bull-pen: Its what cattle use to write with.

73. Q: What do you call it if a cow starts dancing?
A: A Milk-shake

74. Famous cow blues band?
A: The Mooo-dy Blues

76 Q: What is a play well liked by cattle, written by Tennessee Williams?
A: Mooo-n River

77. Q: Where might cattle eat?
A: At a Calf-ateria

78. Q: name the head garment worn by medieval bovines?
A: A Cow-l

79. Q: What do you call the death penalty for cattle?
A: Cow-pital Punishment (big mac)

80. Q: If you let a cow live in front of your house do you know what you have?
A: You have a lawn Moo-er

81-84. What are some famous buildings built by Cattle?
The Lincoln and Jefferson Moo-morials
The Ala-Moo
The United States Cow-pital building
AND The Mus De Beaux Fine (Bovine) Arts Center

85. Q: What do you call a demon among cattle?
A: A Calf-fiend (caffeine)

86-89. Q: There are four states in the Union named after cattle. Can you name them?
A: Cow-lifornia, Cow-lorado, and the Cow-olinas

90. Q: What do you call a lazy cow?
A: A Cow-ch Potato (couch potato)

91. Q: What do you call a problematic cow?
A: A Cow-nundrum

92. Q: Why would a mother cow be mad at you?
A: Because you were out Pasture Bedtime

93. Q: What is the favorite thing for romantic cows to do?
A: Cud-dle

94-98. Q: There were many very important cattle throughout history. Can you name them?
Neb-Moo-chadnezzar (Zebu-chadnezzar)
Emperor Cow-nstantine
Moo-Ze Dong
And Moo-solini

99. Q: Another name for a beef turnover?

...And Finally 101.
You,ve been Mooo-ned
The end

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