How does one punctuate the above? No this is not some silly grammatical excercise. It seems to me this is actually a fairly profound question. Life is. It is a statement there can be no questions asked. It is an absolute certainty. That's it life nothing more deal with it. This is profound in the utmost but utterly bleak. If on the other hand Life is? This becons us to explore and to think and to come up with an answer ourselves. Life is? is the fundamental nature of science and of philosophy, and English and a whole slew of other disciplines. It also shows our human insecurities the fact that we really don't know what life is or what makes it tick or why or much in fact of anything in the universe at all. The question mark appears like someone's ear and asks us to listen. What do you think? But that question mark also comes to a point at its end. Will life? Are we listening to our lives simply to find this point and possibly missing the beautiful stories and journeys experienced along the way? The question mark if ever asked by a teacher is a sign of something that must be answered. Either if the teacher doesn't know then that is what we search for in our careers as scientists and students of life. If on the other hand the question mark is presented by the teacher. If it is not answered that is academic death. To leave a question blank preposterious! Something must be answered even if it is a complete guess. In our search for this elusive question mark of life are we hastily answering whatever we can find. Is there a right answer or is it one of those retorics that its not really the answer its the thought process that counts. Are there acts of evil or is it our intentions that matter? Is there a set code to what is right and wrong? Is there an answer that you will be graded on on life's final exam? Or is it the thought processes involved? What were you thinking when you stole that paper clip? Did you do the best you could in the situations you were given? Where you generally trying to be a good person? The very fact it is a question mark is the mark of a question. The mark of the unknown. So we have gone through the question and the statement, but neither of these are enough to express the great joy and wonder of life. So perhaps life is is not a . or a ? perhaps a better symbol of the infinite wonder of life would be Life is! Truly, consider even for a second just how many obstacles we have to face. Consider how many things in any given instant could kill us deader that Dicken's depiction Marley in his work a Christmas Carol. Consider the odds of all of the events that have to be in just the right concentrations and distances and proportions and everything else for life to be. Life is! wow! and what a life it is. We are not joe schmoe amoebas though no offense intended to Joe his life just ain't that great, though I am sure he/she/ they think otherwise. Look what we can do! Look how much more we still have to do! Look how diverse we are everything from viruses on life's obvious fringe to microbes in every environment possible. Whales and even possibly planets themselves if we believe the ideas first setforth by James Lovelock in the late 60s. Life is! And is it ever! This joy and exuberance sharply contrasts with the unemotional buddhist nirvana that life simply is. Life is all a round but ultimately a small insignificant barely noticable point. Life is nothing but a speck in the great expanse of the universe. Sure it is true, but it is a concept dreadfully hard to grasp, even if their are other dots just like us. Ending where we began growing from a spot to a large number stretching through space (!) even to the mark or super ability (the incredibles) to a question of if that is really true. Conveying the ideas of listening to each other and the world around. Marveling at the complexity of life and the world around us but being humble enough in our dot. From dots to dots, from the big Bang ! to making but a whimper. Life is a cycle, a cycle that runs the whole gamut of emotion and expression. And so perhaps the point we should make is to punctuate it with all three Life is.?!. But lest us forget, let us also consider that life is, there might yet be even better things to come....
Life is
Thursday, November 30, 2006
In-Klein-ations
Day thirty I am almost through. To celebrate only one day left here's a bottle with only one side. Because there are no more days in November, here's a bottle with no volume that is still able to hold liquid. And becasue I think it is awesome, here's there site: http://www.kleinbottle.com/index.htm(Don't worry even though Na-Blo-Po-Mo is almost over, I still intend to post quite regularly-albeit probably not daily as I am now entering that dreaded realm known as FINALS.)
Good luck with any last minute NOVELties.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Should have been overheard
Professor: So this is real astrophysics here. I am not pulling any punches. This is the real stuff. Now do you want to solve problems or do you want to whine about it. ... 'cause I know I like to whine about it--Just ask my wife.
Student: I thought whining about it is what Teddy Bears are for.
Other Student: No, they're for solving calculus problems.
Student: I thought whining about it is what Teddy Bears are for.
Other Student: No, they're for solving calculus problems.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
There will be no blood spilled today.
So here's how much of a pascifist I am. Today in microbiology lab we did blood typing e.g. our own. I don't not hurt things. I could not even prick myself. Four times I tried. Four times I failed. My hand was trembling so badly it got to the point that I couldn't get to the point. I took a stab at it. I was being a prick. But I just could not come to the point. I couldn't do it. I do not kill. Not even flies or spiders. Aparently I do not even hurt. To me ALL life is important. All life is special even sacred. Perhaps if the world felt this was so there would be Peace. My charge for today is to imagine a world in which we do not destroy, what would that be like? I cannot change the whole world in one swoop, but I can change the world. It might take a while, but it can be done. Today I will be the one to change. I will not kill. I will encourage you not to kill and to encourage others. Tomorrow it is up to you. So let there be peace.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Ways to tell that you are definately NOT an ART Major.
You have ever walked into your school's art building and building and ever muttered any of the following:
Urm,
Um,
Ok...
Sure...
Right...
or Whatever!?
If you have never paid more than 700$ for something a kindergartener could do, nor ever wanted to you, you definately are NOT an art major.
If you cannot BS at least a 2 page explaination of the significance of the piece you are looking at, its history and vital importance in the XY and Z cultural movements. Then you are definately NOT an art major.
If your classroom has chairs that are a shade, hue, subset/whatever of grey, and NOT one of the primary colors, then you might not be an art major.
If even after hearing the interpretation of the "masterpiece" you still think it looks like a box, you may not be an art major.
If you have never used the words Philistene, or "under appreciated talent" then you may be a candidate for Not being an art major.
If you either A. have no clue orB. Don't care that you have no clue as to what exactly a neoclassical movement is or how it differs from Baroque, Romantic, Rococco, Queen Anne style, or for that matter any other subtle distinction made over which colors and poses were used, then you might be something other than an art major.
Baret?
Eisle?
If you have ever had the urge to move ever so slightly just one of ANY of the pieces o so perfectly arranged, just to see what they would do or if they would even notice, then you might not be an art major.
If the outfit you wear to school has fewer than 300 colors you might not be an artist.
If you have never brought a ridiculously large thin bag to school that will never fit anywhere you might not be an artist.
If your are laughing at any of these.
If this list hasn't offended you, and I am not on your black list because of this--Then you might not be an art major.
Note of appeasement to the art majors out there: Please don't kill me, I really didn't mean it.
Urm,
Um,
Ok...
Sure...
Right...
or Whatever!?
If you have never paid more than 700$ for something a kindergartener could do, nor ever wanted to you, you definately are NOT an art major.
If you cannot BS at least a 2 page explaination of the significance of the piece you are looking at, its history and vital importance in the XY and Z cultural movements. Then you are definately NOT an art major.
If your classroom has chairs that are a shade, hue, subset/whatever of grey, and NOT one of the primary colors, then you might not be an art major.
If even after hearing the interpretation of the "masterpiece" you still think it looks like a box, you may not be an art major.
If you have never used the words Philistene, or "under appreciated talent" then you may be a candidate for Not being an art major.
If you either A. have no clue orB. Don't care that you have no clue as to what exactly a neoclassical movement is or how it differs from Baroque, Romantic, Rococco, Queen Anne style, or for that matter any other subtle distinction made over which colors and poses were used, then you might be something other than an art major.
Baret?
Eisle?
If you have ever had the urge to move ever so slightly just one of ANY of the pieces o so perfectly arranged, just to see what they would do or if they would even notice, then you might not be an art major.
If the outfit you wear to school has fewer than 300 colors you might not be an artist.
If you have never brought a ridiculously large thin bag to school that will never fit anywhere you might not be an artist.
If your are laughing at any of these.
If this list hasn't offended you, and I am not on your black list because of this--Then you might not be an art major.
Note of appeasement to the art majors out there: Please don't kill me, I really didn't mean it.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Looking Down in the Mouth
101 Tongue in cheek jokes
1. What do you call sad food?
A tongue depressor
2. What is a tongue's favorite candy?
Lick-orish
3. In which country does a tongue live?
Lick-tenstein
4. What type of Tongue grows on rocks?
Lick-en
5. What is a favorite punk rock band of a tongue?
Lick-en park
6. Wha was a tongues favorite president?
George Washing-tongue
7. What is the bane of all who are tongue tied?
A tongue lashing
8. Which island nation is inside your mouth?
Tongue-a
9. Which tongue host Jeopardy?
A-lick Trebeck
10. What is the smelliest tongue seasoning?
Gar-lick
11. WHat do you call a phone call for your mouth?
A tongue ring
12. What are some lyrics to a Johhny Cash song dealing with tongues?
"Hauling 16 tongues every day and what do you get..."
13. Two mouth organs were in a race, who won?
No one they tongue tied
14. Who is a famous tongue actor?
A-lick Baldwin
15. What do you call a primate overt display of affection?
A monkey french
16. What metal is found in your mouth?
Tongue-sten
17. Which young Egyptian mouth's tomb was found in 1923 by a Mr. Carter?
King Tu-Tongue-khamin
18. Where does the first president of this countries mouth live?
Washingtongue DC
19. Which kitchen utensil is used to grab hot mouth parts?
A pair of tongues
20. What do you call a tornado in someone's mouth?
A tongue twister
21. If you wear neck adornments on your tongue what are you?
Tongue tied
22. What is a popular drink appropriate for the joke book?
Gin and Tongues
23. What is a toy truck found in someone's mouth?
A tongue-a truck
24. Who is a famous tongue singer?
Epiglottis Knight
25. What do you call a sci-fi mouth fan?
A star Trechea
26. What do you call a swallow in the Carribean?
The Gulp of mexico
27. Name another mouth actor?
Carl-Tongue Hes-Tongue
28./29. Which two cities have more tongues than any othes?
Kingstongue and Manhattongue
30. Who is a famous Jazz tonguer?
Duke Elling-tongue
31. What do you call dried bread you put in your mouth?
A cru-tongue
32. What does a tongue paint?
A mouth-terpiece
33. What does a mouth use to paint?
A palatte
34. What do you call the roof of a holy knight's mouth?
A palatte-in (paladin)
35. What dos a palatte sleep under?
The roof of your mouth
36. Which Star Wars character has a foul mouth?
Emperor Palatte-in
37. How do you lift really heavy mouths with a fork lift?
By using palattes
38. What do you call a kinesthetic excerise of the mouth?
Palattes
39. How do you catch a tongue?
With a mouth-trap
40 If Mickey has to rescue Minnie, what is that called?
Mouse to mouse rescuscitation.
41. What type of insurance do most dentists have?
Acci-dental-insurance
42. How do you tell how much teeth weigh?
By their Molar mass
43. What do you call a fruity dentist?
The tooth fairy (sorry)
44. What is a another name for an elderly assistant?
An in-dentured servant
45. What is the favorite party game of dentists?
Tooth or Consequences
46. What do you feed a baby dentist?
A dental formula
47. What is the favorire game of a dentist?
Bridge
48. Why did the patient have the top of his mouth removed?
He had too much on his palatte.
49.What is the best part of being an orthodontist?
You always have a roof over your head.
50. What is the worst part of being a dentist?
You are always looking down in the mouth
51. Why can't an anethesiologist canount to three?
Because there is NO2
52. What is a denstist's favorite spice?
Ginger-vitis
53. Whay is a retired dentist serrated?
Because he saw tooth
54. What does a dentist say when he/she makes a joke?
Just teething (teasing)
55.Why are dentists like royalty?
Because of all the crowns they deal with
56. What do you call a man-made water way connecting two teeth?
A root canal
57. What do you call a dental garden?
A ROOT canal
58. How did the dentist deal witht he insult?
He brushed it off.
59. If a densitst did'nt win what did he do?
He flossed.
60. How does a dentist hold his teeth together?
With toothpaste
61. Why didn't the dentist join the track team?
His mother told him never to run with incisors
62. How is lead different that a tooth doctor?
One is a dentist the other is the densist
63. Which tooth is the most popular on Valentines Day?
The Bi-Cupids
64. What type of shoes does a dentist wear around the house?
Loafer donts
65. What is the most common type of tooth among bakers?
Bun-odont
66. What is the most popular type of tooth in Beverly Hills?
Saline-odont
67. What typ of tooth/jaw attachement did Noah have?
Ark-odont
68. Why do so few people study teeth?
Because it is a dont-ing task.
69. What is another favorite game among dentists?
Hide and go thecodont?
70. What is a game budding yound orthodontistsplayed?
Connect the donts
71. If something si not sinulodont, what is it?
Pleurodont
72. What do you call advice from a dentist?
The dos and donts
73. Alternative definition: Dontopedology
They science of opening your mouth and sticking your foot in it
74. What is the motto of a lazy orthodontist?
Brace yourself
75. AD: Gingivitis
Gum eraser
76. Who is a dentist's favorite sleuth?
Peridontal Mason
77. After graduating from dental school what do you get?
A plaque to hang on your wall
78. AD: Dentureless
Chewing gums
79. AD: Behind bars
See braces
80. What does a toothbrush do when it sees someone it doesn't like?
It bristles
81. What guards a dental castle keeping away evil spirits?
A gargle (gargoyle)
82. What nationality are most teeth cleaners?
Polish
83. Who is the favorite pirate of a tooth cleaner?
Captain hook
84. How does a tooth cleaner make a living?
They just barely scrape by
85. AD: Oil driller
What a dentist would be if he/she were not in the dental field
86. After learning his one multiplication tables what did the young dentist move to?
His tooths
87. Who is the main character in the HitchHiker's guide to dentistry?
Arthur Dentist
88. Why is a tooth aligner always perpendicular?
Because he is orthogonal
89. Why was the orthodontics patient so mad at his doctor?
He felt he was maligned
90. What isa a dentists favorite quote from a midsummer night dream?
"Mine ears are much enameld to thy voice."
91. Why is dentistry such a hard subject?
Because of the enamle
92. How is a sledge hammer like a dentist?
They both like dentin things
93. Why did the tooth have to be removed?
To get at the root of the problem.
94. Why was the mob of dentist arrested?
For incising a riot
95. What does a dentist call a race of creatures on Star trek?
The Carnassials
96. What do you call a dog that has hade is two sharpest teeth removed?
The Canine Eunich
97. Where do dentist launch the space shuttle from?
Cape Carnassial
98. What do you call the tooth used for tearing in pinnipeds?
The Carnas-seal
99.If dentists were involved in the stock market what might they be called?
Incisor traders
100. What is a favorite dessert among dentists?
The bicustards
101. Who lost at the dental battle of little bighorn?
General Bicuspid
bonus joke: What is a dentist's favorite time?
Tooth hurty
1. What do you call sad food?
A tongue depressor
2. What is a tongue's favorite candy?
Lick-orish
3. In which country does a tongue live?
Lick-tenstein
4. What type of Tongue grows on rocks?
Lick-en
5. What is a favorite punk rock band of a tongue?
Lick-en park
6. Wha was a tongues favorite president?
George Washing-tongue
7. What is the bane of all who are tongue tied?
A tongue lashing
8. Which island nation is inside your mouth?
Tongue-a
9. Which tongue host Jeopardy?
A-lick Trebeck
10. What is the smelliest tongue seasoning?
Gar-lick
11. WHat do you call a phone call for your mouth?
A tongue ring
12. What are some lyrics to a Johhny Cash song dealing with tongues?
"Hauling 16 tongues every day and what do you get..."
13. Two mouth organs were in a race, who won?
No one they tongue tied
14. Who is a famous tongue actor?
A-lick Baldwin
15. What do you call a primate overt display of affection?
A monkey french
16. What metal is found in your mouth?
Tongue-sten
17. Which young Egyptian mouth's tomb was found in 1923 by a Mr. Carter?
King Tu-Tongue-khamin
18. Where does the first president of this countries mouth live?
Washingtongue DC
19. Which kitchen utensil is used to grab hot mouth parts?
A pair of tongues
20. What do you call a tornado in someone's mouth?
A tongue twister
21. If you wear neck adornments on your tongue what are you?
Tongue tied
22. What is a popular drink appropriate for the joke book?
Gin and Tongues
23. What is a toy truck found in someone's mouth?
A tongue-a truck
24. Who is a famous tongue singer?
Epiglottis Knight
25. What do you call a sci-fi mouth fan?
A star Trechea
26. What do you call a swallow in the Carribean?
The Gulp of mexico
27. Name another mouth actor?
Carl-Tongue Hes-Tongue
28./29. Which two cities have more tongues than any othes?
Kingstongue and Manhattongue
30. Who is a famous Jazz tonguer?
Duke Elling-tongue
31. What do you call dried bread you put in your mouth?
A cru-tongue
32. What does a tongue paint?
A mouth-terpiece
33. What does a mouth use to paint?
A palatte
34. What do you call the roof of a holy knight's mouth?
A palatte-in (paladin)
35. What dos a palatte sleep under?
The roof of your mouth
36. Which Star Wars character has a foul mouth?
Emperor Palatte-in
37. How do you lift really heavy mouths with a fork lift?
By using palattes
38. What do you call a kinesthetic excerise of the mouth?
Palattes
39. How do you catch a tongue?
With a mouth-trap
40 If Mickey has to rescue Minnie, what is that called?
Mouse to mouse rescuscitation.
41. What type of insurance do most dentists have?
Acci-dental-insurance
42. How do you tell how much teeth weigh?
By their Molar mass
43. What do you call a fruity dentist?
The tooth fairy (sorry)
44. What is a another name for an elderly assistant?
An in-dentured servant
45. What is the favorite party game of dentists?
Tooth or Consequences
46. What do you feed a baby dentist?
A dental formula
47. What is the favorire game of a dentist?
Bridge
48. Why did the patient have the top of his mouth removed?
He had too much on his palatte.
49.What is the best part of being an orthodontist?
You always have a roof over your head.
50. What is the worst part of being a dentist?
You are always looking down in the mouth
51. Why can't an anethesiologist canount to three?
Because there is NO2
52. What is a denstist's favorite spice?
Ginger-vitis
53. Whay is a retired dentist serrated?
Because he saw tooth
54. What does a dentist say when he/she makes a joke?
Just teething (teasing)
55.Why are dentists like royalty?
Because of all the crowns they deal with
56. What do you call a man-made water way connecting two teeth?
A root canal
57. What do you call a dental garden?
A ROOT canal
58. How did the dentist deal witht he insult?
He brushed it off.
59. If a densitst did'nt win what did he do?
He flossed.
60. How does a dentist hold his teeth together?
With toothpaste
61. Why didn't the dentist join the track team?
His mother told him never to run with incisors
62. How is lead different that a tooth doctor?
One is a dentist the other is the densist
63. Which tooth is the most popular on Valentines Day?
The Bi-Cupids
64. What type of shoes does a dentist wear around the house?
Loafer donts
65. What is the most common type of tooth among bakers?
Bun-odont
66. What is the most popular type of tooth in Beverly Hills?
Saline-odont
67. What typ of tooth/jaw attachement did Noah have?
Ark-odont
68. Why do so few people study teeth?
Because it is a dont-ing task.
69. What is another favorite game among dentists?
Hide and go thecodont?
70. What is a game budding yound orthodontistsplayed?
Connect the donts
71. If something si not sinulodont, what is it?
Pleurodont
72. What do you call advice from a dentist?
The dos and donts
73. Alternative definition: Dontopedology
They science of opening your mouth and sticking your foot in it
74. What is the motto of a lazy orthodontist?
Brace yourself
75. AD: Gingivitis
Gum eraser
76. Who is a dentist's favorite sleuth?
Peridontal Mason
77. After graduating from dental school what do you get?
A plaque to hang on your wall
78. AD: Dentureless
Chewing gums
79. AD: Behind bars
See braces
80. What does a toothbrush do when it sees someone it doesn't like?
It bristles
81. What guards a dental castle keeping away evil spirits?
A gargle (gargoyle)
82. What nationality are most teeth cleaners?
Polish
83. Who is the favorite pirate of a tooth cleaner?
Captain hook
84. How does a tooth cleaner make a living?
They just barely scrape by
85. AD: Oil driller
What a dentist would be if he/she were not in the dental field
86. After learning his one multiplication tables what did the young dentist move to?
His tooths
87. Who is the main character in the HitchHiker's guide to dentistry?
Arthur Dentist
88. Why is a tooth aligner always perpendicular?
Because he is orthogonal
89. Why was the orthodontics patient so mad at his doctor?
He felt he was maligned
90. What isa a dentists favorite quote from a midsummer night dream?
"Mine ears are much enameld to thy voice."
91. Why is dentistry such a hard subject?
Because of the enamle
92. How is a sledge hammer like a dentist?
They both like dentin things
93. Why did the tooth have to be removed?
To get at the root of the problem.
94. Why was the mob of dentist arrested?
For incising a riot
95. What does a dentist call a race of creatures on Star trek?
The Carnassials
96. What do you call a dog that has hade is two sharpest teeth removed?
The Canine Eunich
97. Where do dentist launch the space shuttle from?
Cape Carnassial
98. What do you call the tooth used for tearing in pinnipeds?
The Carnas-seal
99.If dentists were involved in the stock market what might they be called?
Incisor traders
100. What is a favorite dessert among dentists?
The bicustards
101. Who lost at the dental battle of little bighorn?
General Bicuspid
bonus joke: What is a dentist's favorite time?
Tooth hurty
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Part 6-The second: Lock, Stock, but no barrel
The books pages I'd turned.
And now it must be returned.
Look throught eh jail window I see much betting,
Will their book they be getting.
There standing guard
Waiting for the burgalar vangaurd.
Tossed a rock at the door.
It worked they opened it to explore.
Invisible in I snuck.
Would I succeed, would I have luck?
The smoke stick I snapped
Enshrouding mist I was wrapped.
Drop the book.
Leave without a backward look.
The book I was just about to place.
When snached by the gaurd with the necklace.
An amulet of true see
Was around the neck of he.
Grabbed by his hand before the book did land.
Down his shirt I did drop,
A bag of caltrop.
Well the one in the corner it looks like won the bet.
Tossed the snare and I was in the internet.
A bump in a net they could now see.
They found it only right to pumel me.
A Sewing needle I drew. I poked into my captor's skin
A blade of metal thin.
My sword I did not draw,
For with the locals I did not want a guffaw.
Wrapped in a net I did fight.
My struggles they lasted through the night.
In a net I was wrought.
But time in a jail cell I bought.
Into the cell I was thrown.
My cover and my plan blown.
Eventually, in a cloud of sleep they were drapped.
That is when I escaped.
My picks they had not took.
The lock I shimmed and I shook.
Free was I
But I had to fly.
I tripped.
Upon the rug I slipped.
The gaurd did wake.
My pick he did take.
And my shirt...and my pants
I was put in the stocks wearing scants.
The gaurds did watch
To make sure no more escapes I did botch.
Into the stocks.
Down came the locks.
I bided my time.
And awaited the oppertunity to escape the punishment of my crime.
Then one night much to drink the gaurd had draught.
It was the moment that I sought.
The wood I chewed with the aperture below my nose.
A sliver of wood I dropped and picked up with my toes.
Between the digits of my feet I did stick.
The stick the locks I would pick.
Loosed the lock with a stick and my toes.
How I managed that one only Luck knows.
I'm FREE! shouted me.
Woke up the gaurd did he.
Back to the blocks.
This time latched with ev'n more locks.
Guards all a round.
Smack in the middle of the town.
Rotten produce the town di produce.
My face was covered in icky tomato juice.
With a lettuce head they hit mi head.
Their aim was on it was dead.
And if it weren't bad enough to be the aim of their veggies.
They pull mi shorts and gave me wedgies.
At long last.
It was the diplomacy of St. Dewey Hackenbash,
That got me frees.
and put me on me knees.
Finally my stuff I got back.
The necromancer who we sought we were finally able to track.
Curious were they.
OF who this weird game would play.
Who on Earth would break INTO a jail.
Steal only a book. And leave a note queing the guards to his trail?
They couldn't understand it their brows began to twitch.
But that is the nature of Jytan Fitch.
Ah but my tail is not over yet.
There is more, much more this you can bet.
A Thorp full of woe.
There more in the way of adventures and undead foe.
SO read again
and hang onto your skin.
There's more tales of slash and smash
Of Fitch , the dorf, and Sir Hackenbash.
And now it must be returned.
Look throught eh jail window I see much betting,
Will their book they be getting.
There standing guard
Waiting for the burgalar vangaurd.
Tossed a rock at the door.
It worked they opened it to explore.
Invisible in I snuck.
Would I succeed, would I have luck?
The smoke stick I snapped
Enshrouding mist I was wrapped.
Drop the book.
Leave without a backward look.
The book I was just about to place.
When snached by the gaurd with the necklace.
An amulet of true see
Was around the neck of he.
Grabbed by his hand before the book did land.
Down his shirt I did drop,
A bag of caltrop.
Well the one in the corner it looks like won the bet.
Tossed the snare and I was in the internet.
A bump in a net they could now see.
They found it only right to pumel me.
A Sewing needle I drew. I poked into my captor's skin
A blade of metal thin.
My sword I did not draw,
For with the locals I did not want a guffaw.
Wrapped in a net I did fight.
My struggles they lasted through the night.
In a net I was wrought.
But time in a jail cell I bought.
Into the cell I was thrown.
My cover and my plan blown.
Eventually, in a cloud of sleep they were drapped.
That is when I escaped.
My picks they had not took.
The lock I shimmed and I shook.
Free was I
But I had to fly.
I tripped.
Upon the rug I slipped.
The gaurd did wake.
My pick he did take.
And my shirt...and my pants
I was put in the stocks wearing scants.
The gaurds did watch
To make sure no more escapes I did botch.
Into the stocks.
Down came the locks.
I bided my time.
And awaited the oppertunity to escape the punishment of my crime.
Then one night much to drink the gaurd had draught.
It was the moment that I sought.
The wood I chewed with the aperture below my nose.
A sliver of wood I dropped and picked up with my toes.
Between the digits of my feet I did stick.
The stick the locks I would pick.
Loosed the lock with a stick and my toes.
How I managed that one only Luck knows.
I'm FREE! shouted me.
Woke up the gaurd did he.
Back to the blocks.
This time latched with ev'n more locks.
Guards all a round.
Smack in the middle of the town.
Rotten produce the town di produce.
My face was covered in icky tomato juice.
With a lettuce head they hit mi head.
Their aim was on it was dead.
And if it weren't bad enough to be the aim of their veggies.
They pull mi shorts and gave me wedgies.
At long last.
It was the diplomacy of St. Dewey Hackenbash,
That got me frees.
and put me on me knees.
Finally my stuff I got back.
The necromancer who we sought we were finally able to track.
Curious were they.
OF who this weird game would play.
Who on Earth would break INTO a jail.
Steal only a book. And leave a note queing the guards to his trail?
They couldn't understand it their brows began to twitch.
But that is the nature of Jytan Fitch.
Ah but my tail is not over yet.
There is more, much more this you can bet.
A Thorp full of woe.
There more in the way of adventures and undead foe.
SO read again
and hang onto your skin.
There's more tales of slash and smash
Of Fitch , the dorf, and Sir Hackenbash.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Part 6: Stocks and bonds
In through the front door
What a bore.
Uptop
Now that's my stop
To the roof of the jail I threw the grappling hook.
And not a sec la'er a man did pass clearly thinking I was a common crook.
So conviced him I did , that I was not a crook but merely a street performer.
Disappearing a grappling hook is a tall order.
So, from an extension of a trick I'd learned in a book
I disappeared that grappling hook.
Wow that's quite the trick.
But if you're a street proformer with just one you're pretty thick.
I wanna see another.
And this one should be even better.
A grappling hook I'd vanished up my sleeve,
And this chap wasn't satisfied, How I wised he'd just leave.
Of my tricks, I'd just run out.
I decided there was only one way to deal with this lout.
I threw him a punch and hoped it would land him square.
I missed it was nothing but air.
When I swung he just wasn't there.
He fights dirty and that wasn't fair.
So off fled he.
To tell the gaurds of the city.
And now it gets exciting.
Three minutes to be in and out before there is fighting.
So the hook I did hurl.
Around a fixture on the roof it did curl.
Before much further I will go.
The lodgings of my friends this you should know.
The second floor of the Tavern of the barkeep,
Dewey and the Dwarf Ulfgarr did sleep.
While they somnabulised
The jail I attempted to burgalize.
Up the rope I did shimmy.
Open the window I did jimmy.
Escape I did not.
It was an inscape I sought.
Fortuitously I am skinny
From an outty I was now an innee.
To avoid beeing seen
I used the wand and gave myslf an invisible scheen.
The proceedings of the town and what they did post,
These where what I wanted most.
You'll find it quite a relief
To know that I Jytan Fitch am an honest theif
The log I did retrieve,
But a note I did leave.
The book I dist borrow,
"Ever so sorry for your sorrow.
I promise to return it upon the morrow."
The gaurds were back it was time to go.
And so I hid under the stairs.
Even while invisible sought to, avoid their stares.
To create a distraction
I needed to take action.
Against the door the chair I threw.
Back to the roof , like the wind I flew.
Down the rope and to the room next door.
Escaping the gaurds would be my next chore.
Of me
Briefly they did see.
As I was coming off the roof.
Off my invisiblity did poof!
Now the chase was on
From the scene did I abscond.
Lest to the gaurds I wanted to meet my ends.
My only hope was to find my friends.
Oh how they were hot upon my tail.
Fortunately even this cowards courage did not fail.
Up the stairs I stomped.
Fast behind the gaurds they tromped.
Chaotic good I am, but that don't mean I ain't a liar.
I snapped a smokestick and shouted FIRE!
Amid Panic and chaos I did run.
Unfortunately Time I didn't have to watch the fun.
To the window the grappler was sent.
Told me friends and down we went.
Left our coins for the rent.
Alas now our money was spent.
But down the rope we flew.
Myself, The dwarf, and Dewey Too.
The rope was strong.
But the window didn't last long.
Down we would crash.
Me, the dwarf, and finally Mr. Hackenbash.
You needn't worry at all.
None of them got hurt, I broke their fall.
A head ache I had that would have required pills.
No time for that we headed for the hills.
From the mix
Because of our tricks.
We tried hard.
And fortunately we lost the city gaurd.
After a time we were freed.
So the book I sat down to read.
Tales of illicit romance
every record of who did prance.
And more important, much information we did gleam.
From our book stealing scheme.
Night did fall.
Our so comfortable stoney beds did call.
And so we slept.
Except for Me, Fitch who after reading tales of forlorn love--wept.
In the morn when we were rested.
My thieving skills again would be tested.
Twas enough of a sin simply breaking in.
But I Fitch, I had to do it again.
The book I said I would return.
I would place it right back next to the Urn.
Ah but thanks to the note I left, Now they were expecting.
Much harder would it be when they are actively protecting.
Tune in on the next sun.
To find more of Fitch's fun.
It is a whole other tale
Of whether I did succed or if I did fail.
Did Fitch pick the locks,
Or does he end up in the stocks?
Read again and you shall see,
Just what is the fate that befalls me.
What a bore.
Uptop
Now that's my stop
To the roof of the jail I threw the grappling hook.
And not a sec la'er a man did pass clearly thinking I was a common crook.
So conviced him I did , that I was not a crook but merely a street performer.
Disappearing a grappling hook is a tall order.
So, from an extension of a trick I'd learned in a book
I disappeared that grappling hook.
Wow that's quite the trick.
But if you're a street proformer with just one you're pretty thick.
I wanna see another.
And this one should be even better.
A grappling hook I'd vanished up my sleeve,
And this chap wasn't satisfied, How I wised he'd just leave.
Of my tricks, I'd just run out.
I decided there was only one way to deal with this lout.
I threw him a punch and hoped it would land him square.
I missed it was nothing but air.
When I swung he just wasn't there.
He fights dirty and that wasn't fair.
So off fled he.
To tell the gaurds of the city.
And now it gets exciting.
Three minutes to be in and out before there is fighting.
So the hook I did hurl.
Around a fixture on the roof it did curl.
Before much further I will go.
The lodgings of my friends this you should know.
The second floor of the Tavern of the barkeep,
Dewey and the Dwarf Ulfgarr did sleep.
While they somnabulised
The jail I attempted to burgalize.
Up the rope I did shimmy.
Open the window I did jimmy.
Escape I did not.
It was an inscape I sought.
Fortuitously I am skinny
From an outty I was now an innee.
To avoid beeing seen
I used the wand and gave myslf an invisible scheen.
The proceedings of the town and what they did post,
These where what I wanted most.
You'll find it quite a relief
To know that I Jytan Fitch am an honest theif
The log I did retrieve,
But a note I did leave.
The book I dist borrow,
"Ever so sorry for your sorrow.
I promise to return it upon the morrow."
The gaurds were back it was time to go.
And so I hid under the stairs.
Even while invisible sought to, avoid their stares.
To create a distraction
I needed to take action.
Against the door the chair I threw.
Back to the roof , like the wind I flew.
Down the rope and to the room next door.
Escaping the gaurds would be my next chore.
Of me
Briefly they did see.
As I was coming off the roof.
Off my invisiblity did poof!
Now the chase was on
From the scene did I abscond.
Lest to the gaurds I wanted to meet my ends.
My only hope was to find my friends.
Oh how they were hot upon my tail.
Fortunately even this cowards courage did not fail.
Up the stairs I stomped.
Fast behind the gaurds they tromped.
Chaotic good I am, but that don't mean I ain't a liar.
I snapped a smokestick and shouted FIRE!
Amid Panic and chaos I did run.
Unfortunately Time I didn't have to watch the fun.
To the window the grappler was sent.
Told me friends and down we went.
Left our coins for the rent.
Alas now our money was spent.
But down the rope we flew.
Myself, The dwarf, and Dewey Too.
The rope was strong.
But the window didn't last long.
Down we would crash.
Me, the dwarf, and finally Mr. Hackenbash.
You needn't worry at all.
None of them got hurt, I broke their fall.
A head ache I had that would have required pills.
No time for that we headed for the hills.
From the mix
Because of our tricks.
We tried hard.
And fortunately we lost the city gaurd.
After a time we were freed.
So the book I sat down to read.
Tales of illicit romance
every record of who did prance.
And more important, much information we did gleam.
From our book stealing scheme.
Night did fall.
Our so comfortable stoney beds did call.
And so we slept.
Except for Me, Fitch who after reading tales of forlorn love--wept.
In the morn when we were rested.
My thieving skills again would be tested.
Twas enough of a sin simply breaking in.
But I Fitch, I had to do it again.
The book I said I would return.
I would place it right back next to the Urn.
Ah but thanks to the note I left, Now they were expecting.
Much harder would it be when they are actively protecting.
Tune in on the next sun.
To find more of Fitch's fun.
It is a whole other tale
Of whether I did succed or if I did fail.
Did Fitch pick the locks,
Or does he end up in the stocks?
Read again and you shall see,
Just what is the fate that befalls me.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
TiEPos
So I was reading back through some of my posts--aparently there are quite a few typos in them. For now I am going to simply wave my hands at them and exclaim that they live here to henceforth I shan't eradicate them yet--Just yet anyways. I might yet become a linguistic exterminator and attempt to vanquish such thinglies. But for now they can have the run of the place. Incidently a fun excercise might be to read through all several hundred of my postings and keep a running tally of my composural mistakes. But somehow I get the feeling that if I am some what lax in MY efforts to hunt them down, I don't imagine anyone else will either. Ah well Have a Happy thanksgiving may it be free of misgivings and hope your day goes better than the turkey's.
Part 5: Battle of the fifths
...And one barroom brawl
to end them all.
And in darkness pants them.
Sewed shut and given a new hem.
The den of sin--
The tavern we found our selves in.
A drink we had, the news we heard.
Two drunken lords gave us the bird.
The maiden barkeep they mistreated.
The battle was on, and soon it was heated.
The fists they threw,
The tankards too.
While Dewey distracted,
It was I, Fitch who acted.
Taking needle and thread and stuffing it through leather.
I sewed his boots together.
Surprised, that he did not feel,
The needle passing just beyond his heel.
After his act of disgrace,
This chum deserved to fall upon his face.
Splat!
Obviously he is not the Kwisatz Haderach.
The fight, quickly it got out of control.
Even barrels of ale began to roll.
But the thugs we sent.
The seat of their pants rent.
Oh how hard it is to stride,
Especially to carry your self with pride,
when your boot laces
Are thouroughly tied in many places.
His pants I stiched,
them together I hitched.
I used some glues,
to affix ones hands to his shoes.
My jests I don't lack,
for I furthered the trick
with a tack
Planted firmly in his back.
I thought it pretty slick.
When all was said and done.
The thugs were gone, we'd had our fun.
But, a mess we'd made.
So to clean up we stayed.
In doing so we heard the tale of woe.
Only amid the books I had read
Had I ever heard of undead.
Death revived.
Reanimating those who had not survived.
A necromancer made his residence here.
Of course his ambitions: to take over the world and to spread fear.
Through a corps of corpses
the streets would courses.
We had to know his plan
the plan of this possesse'd man.
Off to the jail we set,
Was their a plan--you bet.
We sought the city record cards,
Owned and stored by naught but the gaurds.
Me, Fitch, an or'inry bloke,
INTO prison I would soon try to broke.
My idea, well it works
But not without quite a few quirks.
So tomorrow you'll have to read,
to find out if I really did succeed.
to end them all.
And in darkness pants them.
Sewed shut and given a new hem.
The den of sin--
The tavern we found our selves in.
A drink we had, the news we heard.
Two drunken lords gave us the bird.
The maiden barkeep they mistreated.
The battle was on, and soon it was heated.
The fists they threw,
The tankards too.
While Dewey distracted,
It was I, Fitch who acted.
Taking needle and thread and stuffing it through leather.
I sewed his boots together.
Surprised, that he did not feel,
The needle passing just beyond his heel.
After his act of disgrace,
This chum deserved to fall upon his face.
Splat!
Obviously he is not the Kwisatz Haderach.
The fight, quickly it got out of control.
Even barrels of ale began to roll.
But the thugs we sent.
The seat of their pants rent.
Oh how hard it is to stride,
Especially to carry your self with pride,
when your boot laces
Are thouroughly tied in many places.
His pants I stiched,
them together I hitched.
I used some glues,
to affix ones hands to his shoes.
My jests I don't lack,
for I furthered the trick
with a tack
Planted firmly in his back.
I thought it pretty slick.
When all was said and done.
The thugs were gone, we'd had our fun.
But, a mess we'd made.
So to clean up we stayed.
In doing so we heard the tale of woe.
Only amid the books I had read
Had I ever heard of undead.
Death revived.
Reanimating those who had not survived.
A necromancer made his residence here.
Of course his ambitions: to take over the world and to spread fear.
Through a corps of corpses
the streets would courses.
We had to know his plan
the plan of this possesse'd man.
Off to the jail we set,
Was their a plan--you bet.
We sought the city record cards,
Owned and stored by naught but the gaurds.
Me, Fitch, an or'inry bloke,
INTO prison I would soon try to broke.
My idea, well it works
But not without quite a few quirks.
So tomorrow you'll have to read,
to find out if I really did succeed.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Part 4: The orcish war
Those rascally rogues.
They wandered the land in droves.
Rapists, plunders, and pillagers
Murdered and stole from the villagers.
With their wicked convoy
They did burn the land and destroy.
After a town they had sacked.
Their victims lay tortured with agony wracked.
The more their numbers grew,
The more denizens they slew.
And so we snuck upon a band
Not until we had them surrounded was the battle at hand.
I used the wand of invisibility
cast the spell so they could not see me.
To enwrap the squadrons
of the rapscallions,
To ensnare the lot with rope,
That was my aim and my hope.
To run the rope around them all,
Pull it tight, trip their legs, and watch them fall.
That was the plan,
But Dewey was born and bread a fighting man.
He had his fun
And finished them off afore I was done.
With much leity,
Dewey made of the orcs in their entirety
And did so with much brevity.
Smacking orcs hard enough they defied gravity.
An orge as their lead,
He was the last obstacle that did impede.
Took off did he.
Rampaging through the brush, flattening the tree.
Him we did track.
Following his evidences was easy--their was no lack.
Deep, deep into the forest,
he did lure us.
Only over his dead body would his loot he leave.
Gold, diamonds and gems we did retrieve.
Possessions of the villages we unanimously said.
But upon our returning.
We found the hamlets burning.
And as for the villagers they were all dead.
We did not want to waste.
So the items owners we took their place.
And in the town we we did the selling.
A bar fight we found compelling.
but tomorrow you'll have to tune
to hear our tale of the fight in the barroom.
They wandered the land in droves.
Rapists, plunders, and pillagers
Murdered and stole from the villagers.
With their wicked convoy
They did burn the land and destroy.
After a town they had sacked.
Their victims lay tortured with agony wracked.
The more their numbers grew,
The more denizens they slew.
And so we snuck upon a band
Not until we had them surrounded was the battle at hand.
I used the wand of invisibility
cast the spell so they could not see me.
To enwrap the squadrons
of the rapscallions,
To ensnare the lot with rope,
That was my aim and my hope.
To run the rope around them all,
Pull it tight, trip their legs, and watch them fall.
That was the plan,
But Dewey was born and bread a fighting man.
He had his fun
And finished them off afore I was done.
With much leity,
Dewey made of the orcs in their entirety
And did so with much brevity.
Smacking orcs hard enough they defied gravity.
An orge as their lead,
He was the last obstacle that did impede.
Took off did he.
Rampaging through the brush, flattening the tree.
Him we did track.
Following his evidences was easy--their was no lack.
Deep, deep into the forest,
he did lure us.
Only over his dead body would his loot he leave.
Gold, diamonds and gems we did retrieve.
Possessions of the villages we unanimously said.
But upon our returning.
We found the hamlets burning.
And as for the villagers they were all dead.
We did not want to waste.
So the items owners we took their place.
And in the town we we did the selling.
A bar fight we found compelling.
but tomorrow you'll have to tune
to hear our tale of the fight in the barroom.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Ah, The Joys of Irony
So between classes today I found a poster that made me laugh. "NEED HELP WITH MATHEMATICS OVER THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY? Come to the Math tutoring lab We will be open during the Thanksgiving break!
Closed: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
Closed: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
Part 3: Dwarf freed, Celebrate with a tankard of mead
Aprendes the dwarf we did meet.
His runemaster friends we did greet
A blade with greater cleave
With Dewey they did leave.
Strange trinkets the mage masters sought.
Things they that could not be bought.
What would fill their bag of tricks
Ear of ogre, and toenail of gargoyle were thrown in the mix.
For saving their friend in his time of need,
loaded us with loot did they indeed.
In exchange for a gargoyle toe,
I got a flame bringing bow.
Il Farhendum: Bringer of the Inferno
A mighty bolt of fire this would throw.
What else was crafted by these master wizards?
A blade blessed by blizzards.
Isenghast: Frozen blade,
Greatest rapier ever made.
Into battle forges this blade of frost,
Many it has won, but few it has lost.
Dewey the fighter,
In his new magic armor he gleamed even brighter.
Other gifts we received
One had not to be seen to be believed.
The gift was a wand;
With a wave of a hand.
From the site the weilder would abscond.
vanish outright from the land.
What was this gift that was given to me?
A wand of lesser Invisibility.
Gifts- there were two other things.
Most masterfully forged healing rings.
50 charges had they,
but only usable a certain number of times per day.
Not entirely free were these epic stores.
Promised we to do what we could in ade against the orc wars.
So ere left we to the runeing mastsers,
Left them to ward off their own disasters.
Our new found gear we did stowe.
Oft to battle we were set to go.
Anon our heroes met their next fork
What to do about a band of orc?
Tune in again on the week's second day
To find out how this battle did play.
Will they find danger or will they find the way?
How will they do in their orcish foray?
Read again
It is only then you will find how it will end.
Tune in tomorrow,
beit for battle or for sorrow.
His runemaster friends we did greet
A blade with greater cleave
With Dewey they did leave.
Strange trinkets the mage masters sought.
Things they that could not be bought.
What would fill their bag of tricks
Ear of ogre, and toenail of gargoyle were thrown in the mix.
For saving their friend in his time of need,
loaded us with loot did they indeed.
In exchange for a gargoyle toe,
I got a flame bringing bow.
Il Farhendum: Bringer of the Inferno
A mighty bolt of fire this would throw.
What else was crafted by these master wizards?
A blade blessed by blizzards.
Isenghast: Frozen blade,
Greatest rapier ever made.
Into battle forges this blade of frost,
Many it has won, but few it has lost.
Dewey the fighter,
In his new magic armor he gleamed even brighter.
Other gifts we received
One had not to be seen to be believed.
The gift was a wand;
With a wave of a hand.
From the site the weilder would abscond.
vanish outright from the land.
What was this gift that was given to me?
A wand of lesser Invisibility.
Gifts- there were two other things.
Most masterfully forged healing rings.
50 charges had they,
but only usable a certain number of times per day.
Not entirely free were these epic stores.
Promised we to do what we could in ade against the orc wars.
So ere left we to the runeing mastsers,
Left them to ward off their own disasters.
Our new found gear we did stowe.
Oft to battle we were set to go.
Anon our heroes met their next fork
What to do about a band of orc?
Tune in again on the week's second day
To find out how this battle did play.
Will they find danger or will they find the way?
How will they do in their orcish foray?
Read again
It is only then you will find how it will end.
Tune in tomorrow,
beit for battle or for sorrow.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
101 Remote sensing/ cartography jokes
1. Do you have to understand everything about geographic information systems?
No, so long as you get the GIS of it.
2. Why was an early 1900s equal area true meridian scale projection so angry?
He had a bonne to pick
3. What do you call an ungulate overhead?
An azi-moose-al projection.
4. If a map is made by little tiny men with long beards from the inside of the globe, which type of projection is it?
Gnome-onic
5. How do geographers find the girl they are going to marry?
They datum
6. How do you cylindriacally project a three dimmensional ocean bird into two dimensions?
Using a sea Gall Stereoscopic projection of course.
7. Why was the 1855 projection having two standard parallels at 45 N and 45 S so gutsy?
It had a lot of Gall
8. How is a map like a fish?
They both have scales
9. How is the US government like a map?
In theory they both have representative fractions
10. Who was a famous knight in space?
Sir LandSat-lot
11. How is cooking for hire like a map maker?
One is a Catering business, the other is a mercatoring business
12. Who do you hire for a map of a shopping vessle?
A cart-ographer
13. How to you pictorally represent an automobile?
With a CARtographer
14. Is a cross dressing cartographer a transversite.
15. How is an English essay like cartography?
In both you are asked to draw parallels
16. Is the motto of remote sensing, To ERDAS is human?
17. What is the favorite dance of navigators?
The rhumb-a
18. Do RS analysts have a favorite band?
19. Image analysts are men of resolve.
20. What is the prominent religion of Jamaican Remote Sensing analysts?
Raster-farians
21. Band with the belt size of an RS analysts favorite band?
22. What happens if you give a spectral sensor sugar?
You end up with Hyperspectral images
23. What do remote sensing analysts cook data in?
A Panchromatic image
24. What do you call something difficult to an RS agent?
A pain in the Raster
25. How do you measure distances in GIS?
By Using the ARClength formulas
26. Who audits RS agents?
The IRS
27. What is a dalmations favorite satellite platform?
Spot
28. Why is the space shuttle interferometry data quite trippy?
Because it is SIReal
29. If RS agents get sick have they picked up AVIRIS? And if they have, is it the SAR virius?
30. What are some bad qualities of an RS agent?
AVIRIS and greed
31. When the goings get TIFF, The TIFF get going.
32. How do Remote sensing systems hold up their jtents?
With JPEGS
33. Alternative definition: False Color Composite
See also Michael Jackson's skin color
34. What do RS engineers go to the zoo to see?
TIGERs
35. What do image analyst go to Egypt to see?
The great pyramid layers
36. Does imaging of DNA use pyrimidine layers?
37. While roaming do as the roamins
38. How much does history weigh?
1 Histogram
39. How do Image analysts turn their pancakes?
With a spatial-a
40. Who is the favorite horror monster of Image interpreters?
Count Spatial-a
41. If you are afraid of the air, is that an atmos-fear?
42. How do you determine how strong someone's ring is?
By measuring the signet to noise ratio
43. How does a Remote Sensor call someone an idiot?
By telling them they are at full wit but only half maximum
44. How do you interpret a hotel lobby?
With Foyer analysis
45. How do you see the atmosphere?
Through atmospheric windows
46. If you heard on the airwaves that America was finally switching to the European system of lengths and measures, would that be Radiometric data?
47. If Mr. Rogers had been an image analyst instead, what would have been his theme song?
Oh Won't you be my nearest neighbor
48. How much does an image weigh?
1 photogram-metric
49. The energy inside an imaging platform joins the Sith?
Is that darkside current?
50. How do geographers sign up for their classes?
At Re-GIS-tration
51. Who hosts "Who wants to be an image analizer"?
Re-GIS Philben
52. Alternative definition: Cubic Convolution
The best way of interpreting Picasso's work
53. The geographer just went down a very steep slope.
It was quite a relief
54. Who is the main villan in Remote Sensing version of Star Wars?
Darth Vector
55. Altoids, deltoids, metroids, and spheroids
56. How do you measure how similar two bays are?
No, You don't need Baysian statistics you simply use COVE-variance
57. How do you trademark a satellite?
By writting Landsat TM
58. What does a dyslexic paramedic and a satellite sensor have in common?
They are both ETMs
59. How do image analysts pay for things?
They send each other the BIL
60. What is the difference between satellite imagery and a bodybuilding photoshoot?
One deals with multispectral images the other deals with multi-pectoral images
61. Is a class were everyone fails a low pass filter?
62. Do soldiers have to salute a convolution kernal?
63. Alternative definition: Hyperspectral cube
The means of travel ammong the borg
64. What do you call friendly ticks?
Nice lines (Its the same thing you say at Disneyland)
65. Alternative definition: Look Up table
What you said as a kid while playing hide and go seek while you were hidden under the table. Look up-- table
66. Alternative definition: 12 o clock straight up
Orthorectified noon
67. Who did many image analysts vote for in an election?
Ralph Nadir
68. Who else might be the villan in Satellite Star Wars?
Darth Nadir
69. How do convolution filters sleep at night?
By using a mask (they also go scuba diving that way too)
70. What do image analysts listen to while they work?
An Apple IFOV
71. Does a Satellite speak with a LISS?
72. If you talk bad about Side Long Radar, is that a racial SLAR
73. Now here's a broad scale all encompassing that is really hot:
Advanced Very High Resolution Radiometer 1.1 km
74. Satellites played a game of musical chairs Radar lost because RADARSAT sat where LANSAT
75. How did lightning travel across a map?
It ARCed
76. ESRI has combined ARCmap with ARC GIS they are calling it ARCweld
77. What do you call the numbers involved cartography?
Mapmathics
78. None of the map projections are the best, but their are some that are Goode
79. What disease does an Oblique Conic Conformal projection suffer from?
It is Bipolar
80. What is the math most image scientist deal with?
ADRIing and subtractring
81. Alternative definition: stereo pairs
The speakers on either side of your boom box
82. Alternative definitions: Attitude Control System
See also "principal's office"
83. Who do seahusbands marry?
SeaWiFS
84. Alternative Definition: Arial Imagery
See also "Disney's Little Mermaid"
85.-88. Alternative definition: Base map
An image of Hill field
The layout of where OH- ions are placed
Showing what are belong to us
89. The geographer fell down. You might say he BIIFed it.
90. Alternative Definition: Bin Function
Son of Bin Laden
91. Alternative definition:bit
How you lead a horse
92. Alternative definition: horizontal overlap
The term for displacement of stomach beyond a belt
93. Alternative defininition: bpi
A factor of b times 3.14159265353...
94. Alternative definition: Buffer zone
A region just outside a Base map
95. Alternative definition: Baby on your doorstep
See also 'Bundle Location"
96. Alternative definition: Byte
What the bundle on your doorstep will do
97. Alternative definition: Cartesian
A C grade Artesian-- in other words a bad painter
98.AD: Colorguns
See also "Paintball"
99. AD: Dynamic Range
What is lacking in most Jr. High bands
100. AD: a sharpening stone
See :Edge Enhancer
101. AD: exposure station
See also "Strip club"
Bonus jokes
AD: fast fourier transform
See also Lobby makeovers
AD: File coordinates
Where you left your rass-ter
AD: Ground truthing
President Bush's new term for methods of Torture
LIDAR LIDAR pants on FIDAR
AD:Image pair
The only fruit an image analyst will eat
AD: Image scale
How you know one image weighs one photgrammetric
AD: monochromatic image
Low diverstiy
AD: NOAA
what I say when I need batteries
AD: Reference pixels
The little fairies in the library who find things out for you
AD: Rubber sheeting
Kids read this, so I won't post what you are thinking
Do cartographers like maps?
They like SOM
AD:Specle noise
The latest craze in music
AD:Spectroscopy
a procedure slightly less painful than a colonoscopy
AD: Spline
what you have fixed by a chiropractor
AD Striping
When more than just data is removed ;)
AD: Tie point
just below the neck
AD: Foreshortening
What mommy went to the store for
AD:Unscaled map
No fish
AD: UPS
duh what else would it be?
AD: Volume set
Where my radio stays
AD: Wavelet
The half hearted greeting a nerd gets from a popular girl--when he's lucky.
How were these jokes?
far out
over my head
just going round an round
Full of IMAGEination
BAD really really bad!!
No, so long as you get the GIS of it.
2. Why was an early 1900s equal area true meridian scale projection so angry?
He had a bonne to pick
3. What do you call an ungulate overhead?
An azi-moose-al projection.
4. If a map is made by little tiny men with long beards from the inside of the globe, which type of projection is it?
Gnome-onic
5. How do geographers find the girl they are going to marry?
They datum
6. How do you cylindriacally project a three dimmensional ocean bird into two dimensions?
Using a sea Gall Stereoscopic projection of course.
7. Why was the 1855 projection having two standard parallels at 45 N and 45 S so gutsy?
It had a lot of Gall
8. How is a map like a fish?
They both have scales
9. How is the US government like a map?
In theory they both have representative fractions
10. Who was a famous knight in space?
Sir LandSat-lot
11. How is cooking for hire like a map maker?
One is a Catering business, the other is a mercatoring business
12. Who do you hire for a map of a shopping vessle?
A cart-ographer
13. How to you pictorally represent an automobile?
With a CARtographer
14. Is a cross dressing cartographer a transversite.
15. How is an English essay like cartography?
In both you are asked to draw parallels
16. Is the motto of remote sensing, To ERDAS is human?
17. What is the favorite dance of navigators?
The rhumb-a
18. Do RS analysts have a favorite band?
19. Image analysts are men of resolve.
20. What is the prominent religion of Jamaican Remote Sensing analysts?
Raster-farians
21. Band with the belt size of an RS analysts favorite band?
22. What happens if you give a spectral sensor sugar?
You end up with Hyperspectral images
23. What do remote sensing analysts cook data in?
A Panchromatic image
24. What do you call something difficult to an RS agent?
A pain in the Raster
25. How do you measure distances in GIS?
By Using the ARClength formulas
26. Who audits RS agents?
The IRS
27. What is a dalmations favorite satellite platform?
Spot
28. Why is the space shuttle interferometry data quite trippy?
Because it is SIReal
29. If RS agents get sick have they picked up AVIRIS? And if they have, is it the SAR virius?
30. What are some bad qualities of an RS agent?
AVIRIS and greed
31. When the goings get TIFF, The TIFF get going.
32. How do Remote sensing systems hold up their jtents?
With JPEGS
33. Alternative definition: False Color Composite
See also Michael Jackson's skin color
34. What do RS engineers go to the zoo to see?
TIGERs
35. What do image analyst go to Egypt to see?
The great pyramid layers
36. Does imaging of DNA use pyrimidine layers?
37. While roaming do as the roamins
38. How much does history weigh?
1 Histogram
39. How do Image analysts turn their pancakes?
With a spatial-a
40. Who is the favorite horror monster of Image interpreters?
Count Spatial-a
41. If you are afraid of the air, is that an atmos-fear?
42. How do you determine how strong someone's ring is?
By measuring the signet to noise ratio
43. How does a Remote Sensor call someone an idiot?
By telling them they are at full wit but only half maximum
44. How do you interpret a hotel lobby?
With Foyer analysis
45. How do you see the atmosphere?
Through atmospheric windows
46. If you heard on the airwaves that America was finally switching to the European system of lengths and measures, would that be Radiometric data?
47. If Mr. Rogers had been an image analyst instead, what would have been his theme song?
Oh Won't you be my nearest neighbor
48. How much does an image weigh?
1 photogram-metric
49. The energy inside an imaging platform joins the Sith?
Is that darkside current?
50. How do geographers sign up for their classes?
At Re-GIS-tration
51. Who hosts "Who wants to be an image analizer"?
Re-GIS Philben
52. Alternative definition: Cubic Convolution
The best way of interpreting Picasso's work
53. The geographer just went down a very steep slope.
It was quite a relief
54. Who is the main villan in Remote Sensing version of Star Wars?
Darth Vector
55. Altoids, deltoids, metroids, and spheroids
56. How do you measure how similar two bays are?
No, You don't need Baysian statistics you simply use COVE-variance
57. How do you trademark a satellite?
By writting Landsat TM
58. What does a dyslexic paramedic and a satellite sensor have in common?
They are both ETMs
59. How do image analysts pay for things?
They send each other the BIL
60. What is the difference between satellite imagery and a bodybuilding photoshoot?
One deals with multispectral images the other deals with multi-pectoral images
61. Is a class were everyone fails a low pass filter?
62. Do soldiers have to salute a convolution kernal?
63. Alternative definition: Hyperspectral cube
The means of travel ammong the borg
64. What do you call friendly ticks?
Nice lines (Its the same thing you say at Disneyland)
65. Alternative definition: Look Up table
What you said as a kid while playing hide and go seek while you were hidden under the table. Look up-- table
66. Alternative definition: 12 o clock straight up
Orthorectified noon
67. Who did many image analysts vote for in an election?
Ralph Nadir
68. Who else might be the villan in Satellite Star Wars?
Darth Nadir
69. How do convolution filters sleep at night?
By using a mask (they also go scuba diving that way too)
70. What do image analysts listen to while they work?
An Apple IFOV
71. Does a Satellite speak with a LISS?
72. If you talk bad about Side Long Radar, is that a racial SLAR
73. Now here's a broad scale all encompassing that is really hot:
Advanced Very High Resolution Radiometer 1.1 km
74. Satellites played a game of musical chairs Radar lost because RADARSAT sat where LANSAT
75. How did lightning travel across a map?
It ARCed
76. ESRI has combined ARCmap with ARC GIS they are calling it ARCweld
77. What do you call the numbers involved cartography?
Mapmathics
78. None of the map projections are the best, but their are some that are Goode
79. What disease does an Oblique Conic Conformal projection suffer from?
It is Bipolar
80. What is the math most image scientist deal with?
ADRIing and subtractring
81. Alternative definition: stereo pairs
The speakers on either side of your boom box
82. Alternative definitions: Attitude Control System
See also "principal's office"
83. Who do seahusbands marry?
SeaWiFS
84. Alternative Definition: Arial Imagery
See also "Disney's Little Mermaid"
85.-88. Alternative definition: Base map
An image of Hill field
The layout of where OH- ions are placed
Showing what are belong to us
89. The geographer fell down. You might say he BIIFed it.
90. Alternative Definition: Bin Function
Son of Bin Laden
91. Alternative definition:bit
How you lead a horse
92. Alternative definition: horizontal overlap
The term for displacement of stomach beyond a belt
93. Alternative defininition: bpi
A factor of b times 3.14159265353...
94. Alternative definition: Buffer zone
A region just outside a Base map
95. Alternative definition: Baby on your doorstep
See also 'Bundle Location"
96. Alternative definition: Byte
What the bundle on your doorstep will do
97. Alternative definition: Cartesian
A C grade Artesian-- in other words a bad painter
98.AD: Colorguns
See also "Paintball"
99. AD: Dynamic Range
What is lacking in most Jr. High bands
100. AD: a sharpening stone
See :Edge Enhancer
101. AD: exposure station
See also "Strip club"
Bonus jokes
AD: fast fourier transform
See also Lobby makeovers
AD: File coordinates
Where you left your rass-ter
AD: Ground truthing
President Bush's new term for methods of Torture
LIDAR LIDAR pants on FIDAR
AD:Image pair
The only fruit an image analyst will eat
AD: Image scale
How you know one image weighs one photgrammetric
AD: monochromatic image
Low diverstiy
AD: NOAA
what I say when I need batteries
AD: Reference pixels
The little fairies in the library who find things out for you
AD: Rubber sheeting
Kids read this, so I won't post what you are thinking
Do cartographers like maps?
They like SOM
AD:Specle noise
The latest craze in music
AD:Spectroscopy
a procedure slightly less painful than a colonoscopy
AD: Spline
what you have fixed by a chiropractor
AD Striping
When more than just data is removed ;)
AD: Tie point
just below the neck
AD: Foreshortening
What mommy went to the store for
AD:Unscaled map
No fish
AD: UPS
duh what else would it be?
AD: Volume set
Where my radio stays
AD: Wavelet
The half hearted greeting a nerd gets from a popular girl--when he's lucky.
How were these jokes?
far out
over my head
just going round an round
Full of IMAGEination
BAD really really bad!!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Part 2-3: End of the twos, battle of the Ooze
In telling the tale
of my epic peril,
I became so enrapt.
A large part of mi own story I have gaped.
I'll tell you know howI almost did loose,
An engulfing enounter with an ooze.
I will expound upon my goblin fable.
By telling what took place under the table.
But first about the ooze I hollowed.
I could not move after I was swallowed.
But fortunate for me,
From previous battles, a double-headed axe of flame had Dewey.
The wretched blob, it swallowed me.
Ere was I immobile for what bethoughts I all eternity.
Well Dewey the fighter.
His keen axe, it grew brighter.
In a flash,
An arc that was a slash
Clove great Dewey Hackenbash.
The cube wobbled and quivered.
I drew my bow and again the cube was quivered.
The shot did pierce. The ooze was shivered.
Only for a while was I stopped.
Just until that cube was dropped.
Now just before,
I was gooed to the floor
Yon afore that, with a goblin party
we did parley.
We'd interrupted their sumtious feasts.
For revenge they tore into us like they did their savage beasts.
Under the furniture I did tumble.
The goblins they were ready to rumble.
As to where exactly I did go
They didn't care, but the chair they did throw.
Not seeing me, the goblins I did surprize.
drew my bow and pierced them betwixt the eyes.
They did drop.
Their hair we did use as a mop.
After we'd unleashed our arrows.
It could be said we were regarded as heros.
For it was here
over a good beer
The dwarf we heard
from a tight hovel we pulled him by his beard.
Imprisoned was he without any meade.
Joyous was he when freed.
More than you or I would think,
This merry minner dwarf did drink.
The weapons of this portly chap
For his profession, they were quite apt.
A tower shield
and choice of two sharpened shovels he did wield.
He was set loose.
He had avoided a hanging and a noose.
We entered a party of two, we left a party of three.
The Dwarf, Dewey, and then there was me.
Come again tomorrow there is still more.
After this much we did explore.
of my epic peril,
I became so enrapt.
A large part of mi own story I have gaped.
I'll tell you know howI almost did loose,
An engulfing enounter with an ooze.
I will expound upon my goblin fable.
By telling what took place under the table.
But first about the ooze I hollowed.
I could not move after I was swallowed.
But fortunate for me,
From previous battles, a double-headed axe of flame had Dewey.
The wretched blob, it swallowed me.
Ere was I immobile for what bethoughts I all eternity.
Well Dewey the fighter.
His keen axe, it grew brighter.
In a flash,
An arc that was a slash
Clove great Dewey Hackenbash.
The cube wobbled and quivered.
I drew my bow and again the cube was quivered.
The shot did pierce. The ooze was shivered.
Only for a while was I stopped.
Just until that cube was dropped.
Now just before,
I was gooed to the floor
Yon afore that, with a goblin party
we did parley.
We'd interrupted their sumtious feasts.
For revenge they tore into us like they did their savage beasts.
Under the furniture I did tumble.
The goblins they were ready to rumble.
As to where exactly I did go
They didn't care, but the chair they did throw.
Not seeing me, the goblins I did surprize.
drew my bow and pierced them betwixt the eyes.
They did drop.
Their hair we did use as a mop.
After we'd unleashed our arrows.
It could be said we were regarded as heros.
For it was here
over a good beer
The dwarf we heard
from a tight hovel we pulled him by his beard.
Imprisoned was he without any meade.
Joyous was he when freed.
More than you or I would think,
This merry minner dwarf did drink.
The weapons of this portly chap
For his profession, they were quite apt.
A tower shield
and choice of two sharpened shovels he did wield.
He was set loose.
He had avoided a hanging and a noose.
We entered a party of two, we left a party of three.
The Dwarf, Dewey, and then there was me.
Come again tomorrow there is still more.
After this much we did explore.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Part 2: The second- About that Dwarf
When last we left,
A door we'd yet to cleft.
The implement of dirt,
sharpened and wielded to hurt,
we had not found
this tool of the ground.
Neither the escapeds of the hall
nor the Dwarf welled up in the wall.
When last we met
The oaken door was set.
The door, staunch and strong it stood.
Crafted only of the finest wood.
The handle, it was locked.
Our way was blocked.
A stern barrier imposed,
Iron barred and resolutely closed.
Wiggled with a pick,
just to hear that opening click.
But alas, this was no or'inry portal.
Blocked not by the hand of any mortal.
OPEN and we'll be polite!
But this door, it wanted a fight.
Axe and ye shall receive.
Dewey splintered the door like you wouldn't believe.
Opening this door was a skill I did lack.
So Dewey drew his blade and gave it a whack!
We had made our way ins.
But ere before our eyes
what did we behold--much to our surprize.
The way was watched by a ward of Goblins.
The door--
we did floor.
The goblins too--
Them we slew.
Naught but later that night
We found ourselfs in yet another fight.
Who was the next of foe,
the ones brave enough to give us a go?
A pack of demon rodents-
They felt our blades and we proved them impodent.
We did what we do best
We slew the monsterous beasts and took the golden chest.
Even the 'counter twixt me and the bugbear,
Wasn't enough to give me a scare.
My aim was to kill the thing.
His aim was to fling.
He flung, I flew.
He won, but I got him too.
Of dying I went through the motions.
But fortune was with us, for Dewey had some potions.
After our battles in this world we did find.
Our blades were dull. So we had an axe to grind.
While we were so engrossed,
We met not other than our host.
Who did stroll?
Twas none other than a 10 foot tall angry troll.
After quickly dispatching
the one who thought we were tresspassing,
Further our skills we did hone.
We came upon the room with a throne.
Not a dungeon at all.
But rather the common room of a great hall.
How could such a palace be,
magical as this, yet unbeknownst to me?
Twas a place were trolls and demons persist,
A place were any sort of beast does exist.
A vile darkness armed to the teeth,
all of it lying just beneth.
A whole other world,
bidding its time, and waiting to be unfurled.
Gazed we now upon two senturies.
How they looked as though they'd stood for centuries.
Two Gargoyles cast in stone.
These were the gaurdians of the throne.
RAAR! In an instant alive and awake they became.
Killing us, Ay, that one goes the game!
And so we faught
but we had the advantage on them, for before they woke
thanks to a rope we had them in a knot.
This they of course broke.
Tore through with the grusome appendages,
That sprouted forth from their horrid visages.
Their teeth they gnawed and gnashed.
But me with my sword I jabbed and I slashed.
Dewey, he swung and he smashed.
After our rath the gargoyles both were trashed.
Twixt they were tied.
and twixt they died.
Great was before,
but now my deeds were the stuff of lore.
Shortly after the gargs' could take no more.
We heard the cries of a dwarf--Yea a dwarf, one straight from yore.
Read again and you shall find about how he joined our corps.
So tune in the next day of this week.
And you shall find more of the story you seek.
I have to go.
But of Fitch there is still more to know.
A door we'd yet to cleft.
The implement of dirt,
sharpened and wielded to hurt,
we had not found
this tool of the ground.
Neither the escapeds of the hall
nor the Dwarf welled up in the wall.
When last we met
The oaken door was set.
The door, staunch and strong it stood.
Crafted only of the finest wood.
The handle, it was locked.
Our way was blocked.
A stern barrier imposed,
Iron barred and resolutely closed.
Wiggled with a pick,
just to hear that opening click.
But alas, this was no or'inry portal.
Blocked not by the hand of any mortal.
OPEN and we'll be polite!
But this door, it wanted a fight.
Axe and ye shall receive.
Dewey splintered the door like you wouldn't believe.
Opening this door was a skill I did lack.
So Dewey drew his blade and gave it a whack!
We had made our way ins.
But ere before our eyes
what did we behold--much to our surprize.
The way was watched by a ward of Goblins.
The door--
we did floor.
The goblins too--
Them we slew.
Naught but later that night
We found ourselfs in yet another fight.
Who was the next of foe,
the ones brave enough to give us a go?
A pack of demon rodents-
They felt our blades and we proved them impodent.
We did what we do best
We slew the monsterous beasts and took the golden chest.
Even the 'counter twixt me and the bugbear,
Wasn't enough to give me a scare.
My aim was to kill the thing.
His aim was to fling.
He flung, I flew.
He won, but I got him too.
Of dying I went through the motions.
But fortune was with us, for Dewey had some potions.
After our battles in this world we did find.
Our blades were dull. So we had an axe to grind.
While we were so engrossed,
We met not other than our host.
Who did stroll?
Twas none other than a 10 foot tall angry troll.
After quickly dispatching
the one who thought we were tresspassing,
Further our skills we did hone.
We came upon the room with a throne.
Not a dungeon at all.
But rather the common room of a great hall.
How could such a palace be,
magical as this, yet unbeknownst to me?
Twas a place were trolls and demons persist,
A place were any sort of beast does exist.
A vile darkness armed to the teeth,
all of it lying just beneth.
A whole other world,
bidding its time, and waiting to be unfurled.
Gazed we now upon two senturies.
How they looked as though they'd stood for centuries.
Two Gargoyles cast in stone.
These were the gaurdians of the throne.
RAAR! In an instant alive and awake they became.
Killing us, Ay, that one goes the game!
And so we faught
but we had the advantage on them, for before they woke
thanks to a rope we had them in a knot.
This they of course broke.
Tore through with the grusome appendages,
That sprouted forth from their horrid visages.
Their teeth they gnawed and gnashed.
But me with my sword I jabbed and I slashed.
Dewey, he swung and he smashed.
After our rath the gargoyles both were trashed.
Twixt they were tied.
and twixt they died.
Great was before,
but now my deeds were the stuff of lore.
Shortly after the gargs' could take no more.
We heard the cries of a dwarf--Yea a dwarf, one straight from yore.
Read again and you shall find about how he joined our corps.
So tune in the next day of this week.
And you shall find more of the story you seek.
I have to go.
But of Fitch there is still more to know.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
You know you're a geek when...
You know you're a geek when...
1. You have read
a.) The dictionary
b.) Multiple dictionaries
c.) The phone book
d.)Multiple Phone books
e.) An Encyclopedia
f.) The whole set of Encyclopedias
g.) Multiple sets of Encyclopedias
h.) An entire library
i.) Multiple libraries
j.) All of the above :)
You might be a geek if you have ever...
a.) Earned an A
b.) Earned an A in an Honors/AP class
c.) Never earned less than an A even with nothing but honors and AP classes
d.) Earned an A an still did extra credit
e.) Earned straight As while taking nothing but Honors/AP credits AND did EXTRA CREDIT in Classes you DON'T EVEN HAVE :)
You might be a geek if you have ever...
a.) publically been called a geek
b.) publically been called a geek by a teacher
c.) Publically been called a geek by a college professor who has a phD in mathematics and spent his entire life solving calculus problems for fun : )
...If you have ever taken a geek test and reported your results to 4 significant figures.
a.) If you have ever programmed anything
b.) If you have ever shown off your latest program
You might be a geek if...
a.) You ask so many questions every teacher knows you by name
b.) You no longer get called on because the teachers all know you know the answer
c.) You have pointed out the teachers mistake
d.) The teacher sends students to you for help
e.) The teacher turns to YOU for help
f.) If the teacher is not there you are the one in charge of teaching the class
g.) If the teacher IS there and you are the one in charge of teaching the class : )
You might be a geek if...
a.) You own more than one math book
b.) You own more than one math SHIRT
You might be a geek if...
a.) You own a calculator with more memory than the space shuttle
b.)You KNOW you own a calculator with more memory than the space shuttle and you can tell just how much more.
c.) You have used every function on said calculator
d.) You take your calculator with you
e.) You have a holster for your calculator
f.) You have a LEATHER holster for your calculator
g.) Your calculator has a name
h.) Your calculator has replaced your teddy bear
I.) or You no longer use a calculator because you know more math than it does
J.) You are happy that you are only taking THREE math classes next semester.
K.) You might be a geek if the math classes you are in have long since stopped using numbers
If your homework has ever taken up more than one board you might be a geek.
You might be a geek if
a.) You have actually read a math book
b.) You have actually READ a math book
c.) You have done every problem in the math book
d.) You have ever developed you own problems to solve "just for fun."
e.) You are confident enough that you know you have found errors in a math book
You might be a geek if...
a.) You own your own set of dice (they're not dice they're probabilistic regular polyhedra representing the Platonic solids)
b.) You know what D&D stands for
c.) You have played D&D
d.) You have played D&D in COSTUME and weren't alone while doing it
e.) You WERE alone while playing D&D in Costume.
f.) You have ever DMed
g.) You even know what DMing IS
h.) Your DM is a physics major who has actually developed the physics and mathematical models for said magical universe.
I.) You are said DM
You might be a geek if..
a.)If you actually know what a geek, freak, and nerd actually are and resent being called 2 out of three of them because you want nothing to do with chicken heads OR vertical streaks of color.
b.) You actually laughed at and understood a.)
If you have...
a.) laughed at any of these
b.) Done any of these
c.) Done ALL of these
d.) Posted these on your blog
Then congratulations, You might be a geek!
1. You have read
a.) The dictionary
b.) Multiple dictionaries
c.) The phone book
d.)Multiple Phone books
e.) An Encyclopedia
f.) The whole set of Encyclopedias
g.) Multiple sets of Encyclopedias
h.) An entire library
i.) Multiple libraries
j.) All of the above :)
You might be a geek if you have ever...
a.) Earned an A
b.) Earned an A in an Honors/AP class
c.) Never earned less than an A even with nothing but honors and AP classes
d.) Earned an A an still did extra credit
e.) Earned straight As while taking nothing but Honors/AP credits AND did EXTRA CREDIT in Classes you DON'T EVEN HAVE :)
You might be a geek if you have ever...
a.) publically been called a geek
b.) publically been called a geek by a teacher
c.) Publically been called a geek by a college professor who has a phD in mathematics and spent his entire life solving calculus problems for fun : )
...If you have ever taken a geek test and reported your results to 4 significant figures.
a.) If you have ever programmed anything
b.) If you have ever shown off your latest program
You might be a geek if...
a.) You ask so many questions every teacher knows you by name
b.) You no longer get called on because the teachers all know you know the answer
c.) You have pointed out the teachers mistake
d.) The teacher sends students to you for help
e.) The teacher turns to YOU for help
f.) If the teacher is not there you are the one in charge of teaching the class
g.) If the teacher IS there and you are the one in charge of teaching the class : )
You might be a geek if...
a.) You own more than one math book
b.) You own more than one math SHIRT
You might be a geek if...
a.) You own a calculator with more memory than the space shuttle
b.)You KNOW you own a calculator with more memory than the space shuttle and you can tell just how much more.
c.) You have used every function on said calculator
d.) You take your calculator with you
e.) You have a holster for your calculator
f.) You have a LEATHER holster for your calculator
g.) Your calculator has a name
h.) Your calculator has replaced your teddy bear
I.) or You no longer use a calculator because you know more math than it does
J.) You are happy that you are only taking THREE math classes next semester.
K.) You might be a geek if the math classes you are in have long since stopped using numbers
If your homework has ever taken up more than one board you might be a geek.
You might be a geek if
a.) You have actually read a math book
b.) You have actually READ a math book
c.) You have done every problem in the math book
d.) You have ever developed you own problems to solve "just for fun."
e.) You are confident enough that you know you have found errors in a math book
You might be a geek if...
a.) You own your own set of dice (they're not dice they're probabilistic regular polyhedra representing the Platonic solids)
b.) You know what D&D stands for
c.) You have played D&D
d.) You have played D&D in COSTUME and weren't alone while doing it
e.) You WERE alone while playing D&D in Costume.
f.) You have ever DMed
g.) You even know what DMing IS
h.) Your DM is a physics major who has actually developed the physics and mathematical models for said magical universe.
I.) You are said DM
You might be a geek if..
a.)If you actually know what a geek, freak, and nerd actually are and resent being called 2 out of three of them because you want nothing to do with chicken heads OR vertical streaks of color.
b.) You actually laughed at and understood a.)
If you have...
a.) laughed at any of these
b.) Done any of these
c.) Done ALL of these
d.) Posted these on your blog
Then congratulations, You might be a geek!
Part 2: Shovels, Hovels, and a Tightly Packed Dwarf
Last we'd met, the story we'd cleft
After meeting our hero we abruptly left.
There is more he had to say
So it will come forth in this way.
Now along one day,
While I was ponderings,
Who did but brey,
Thus interrupting my wanderings?
With none other I did clash,
Than mi ole mate, Dewey Hackenbash.
It was not but later that day,
A gargoyle I did slay.
But the great stone beast,
was not my first foe,
Nay not in the least.
One of many others who sought my woe.
I met with he.
He and me became we.
As we talked
We also walked.
We took that tern,
And ambled we across the sandy berm.
What was it that lay just around the bend?
A vile ambush sought our end.
A troop of Kobolds,
My might extoled.
With a swing of an axe
Dewey had them on their backs.
After sending them to the floor,
It was then, we noticed the door.
...
After meeting our hero we abruptly left.
There is more he had to say
So it will come forth in this way.
Now along one day,
While I was ponderings,
Who did but brey,
Thus interrupting my wanderings?
With none other I did clash,
Than mi ole mate, Dewey Hackenbash.
It was not but later that day,
A gargoyle I did slay.
But the great stone beast,
was not my first foe,
Nay not in the least.
One of many others who sought my woe.
I met with he.
He and me became we.
As we talked
We also walked.
We took that tern,
And ambled we across the sandy berm.
What was it that lay just around the bend?
A vile ambush sought our end.
A troop of Kobolds,
My might extoled.
With a swing of an axe
Dewey had them on their backs.
After sending them to the floor,
It was then, we noticed the door.
...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Part 1: The Begining
For those of you who know me, you should know by know that I am somewhat of a Dungeons and Dragons geek. For those of you who don't know me, I am somewhat of a Dungeons and Dragons geek. (If you need proof of this Simply check out my September 11, 2006 posting.) Well, being a dungeons and dragon geek. just wasn't enough. I needed to add an exclaimation point to that sentence. SO... here it is. The epic saga in poetic form for one of my favorite D&D characters--Jytan Fitch (an 18th level overall = 1st level fighter/1st sorcerer/8th rogue/8th arcane trickster. Now you might be saying thinking"wait to even be an arcane trickster you have to be able to cast 3rd levels spells how does that work?" Well, for you nerds who are wondering read on, read on, there is a story for that. ) And now as told by Jytan himself ....
THE RUBIYITCH OF JYTAN FITCH: Part 1-The Begining
How do ye do an how do ye be?
Its a pleasure to meet thee.
Well, how do you do?
A most merrily good morn to you!
You ask who I am.
Perhaps you have heard
of the written word
of the Rubiyat of Omar Koram?
Well, this is the Rubiyitch of Jytan Fitch!
Listen now
as I tell you how.
My mater and pater I know not who they be.
Me mater could just as easily be a tree.
Ah, but in my jests
I never rests; and tis not so simple, as you'll see.
Mi father was an or'inary chap.
A man without wealth,
but he was mi pap.
Smitten by a maiden elf
He fell in love at her lap!
Well, One and One is three.
It so happens that that three is Mee.
ere Back to the tale I tell
In great battle our erstwhile safe town fell.
A storm of death loosed from the invader's bow.
How many lives they stole no one knows.
In blazing fire my beloved hamlet was razed.
By fortune, sling and arrow, I was grazed.
Fiends all around,
time to hide in safer ground.
Though they were fierce and hairy,
when things are dark and scary
is not the time to tarry
Refuge was sought,
while the battle was fought,
amid the stones of the cemetary.
Mi dear ol dad,
the best I e'er had,
he lost his wife,
his dear ole wife, she lost her life.
While mi mum was hident,
he missed his missus, but the slings and arrows-- they didn't.
He cried
Then he too died.
Alone.
No home.
Those I adore,
They are no more.
A void of space...
I had to leave that all awful place.
One thing of note,
of hope: there was a single mote.
While hidden amid death and life's rift-
I did see An angel who bore promise of a gift.
Lying prone.
I was and anon alone.
As for mees,
the end of youth was spent amid the trees.
I am Half elf, half man,
I do what I can,
I do as I please
I wandered ere the lan!
And while I was a lass,
Twas a noble who brought me up and taught me class.
Just the same,
I remember his name.
He was The Great and Merciful,
He was High King Percifal.
Of Arborden
He was the Regulen.
But when I came of age.
I bid adieu to my benefact sage.
I had grown
And was again on my own.
The forests and the streets were now my home.
Much did I learn, yet lil I earn.
It was in this time and place,
A man came to my space.
An inner city dweller
was the reside of this 'ere feller.
To me,
"A tree I should like to see"
said he.
And in a flash,
A friend I had in Dewy Hackenbash.
O'er time we went our ways.
Much I'd learned of Streets, Sins and Plays.
You should know,
of where all I did go.
Twas less than a silver crowd that I did wend.
Oft in the brig I would end.
Oh, how the time did pass,
No more was I the wickle elven lass.
Ah, but ne'er cry,
for there is more to who am I.
A fighter, and a rogue, a wanderer and a dreamer...
I am Jytan Fitch the sorcerer and schemer.
Set now is the stage,
For the many battles Fitch did wage.
Turn ye 'gain round here,
And on the very next day of this year,
More of his epic tales you shall hear.
THE RUBIYITCH OF JYTAN FITCH: Part 1-The Begining
How do ye do an how do ye be?
Its a pleasure to meet thee.
Well, how do you do?
A most merrily good morn to you!
You ask who I am.
Perhaps you have heard
of the written word
of the Rubiyat of Omar Koram?
Well, this is the Rubiyitch of Jytan Fitch!
Listen now
as I tell you how.
My mater and pater I know not who they be.
Me mater could just as easily be a tree.
Ah, but in my jests
I never rests; and tis not so simple, as you'll see.
Mi father was an or'inary chap.
A man without wealth,
but he was mi pap.
Smitten by a maiden elf
He fell in love at her lap!
Well, One and One is three.
It so happens that that three is Mee.
ere Back to the tale I tell
In great battle our erstwhile safe town fell.
A storm of death loosed from the invader's bow.
How many lives they stole no one knows.
In blazing fire my beloved hamlet was razed.
By fortune, sling and arrow, I was grazed.
Fiends all around,
time to hide in safer ground.
Though they were fierce and hairy,
when things are dark and scary
is not the time to tarry
Refuge was sought,
while the battle was fought,
amid the stones of the cemetary.
Mi dear ol dad,
the best I e'er had,
he lost his wife,
his dear ole wife, she lost her life.
While mi mum was hident,
he missed his missus, but the slings and arrows-- they didn't.
He cried
Then he too died.
Alone.
No home.
Those I adore,
They are no more.
A void of space...
I had to leave that all awful place.
One thing of note,
of hope: there was a single mote.
While hidden amid death and life's rift-
I did see An angel who bore promise of a gift.
Lying prone.
I was and anon alone.
As for mees,
the end of youth was spent amid the trees.
I am Half elf, half man,
I do what I can,
I do as I please
I wandered ere the lan!
And while I was a lass,
Twas a noble who brought me up and taught me class.
Just the same,
I remember his name.
He was The Great and Merciful,
He was High King Percifal.
Of Arborden
He was the Regulen.
But when I came of age.
I bid adieu to my benefact sage.
I had grown
And was again on my own.
The forests and the streets were now my home.
Much did I learn, yet lil I earn.
It was in this time and place,
A man came to my space.
An inner city dweller
was the reside of this 'ere feller.
To me,
"A tree I should like to see"
said he.
And in a flash,
A friend I had in Dewy Hackenbash.
O'er time we went our ways.
Much I'd learned of Streets, Sins and Plays.
You should know,
of where all I did go.
Twas less than a silver crowd that I did wend.
Oft in the brig I would end.
Oh, how the time did pass,
No more was I the wickle elven lass.
Ah, but ne'er cry,
for there is more to who am I.
A fighter, and a rogue, a wanderer and a dreamer...
I am Jytan Fitch the sorcerer and schemer.
Set now is the stage,
For the many battles Fitch did wage.
Turn ye 'gain round here,
And on the very next day of this year,
More of his epic tales you shall hear.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Apophasis
So I promised I would post a post with a bit more substance and less malice later today. Only I didn't think any of you would care to read a blog listing my course schedule next semester and how it contains the second semester of calculus based statistics, ecology, plant biology, ordinary differential equations taught by the only professor I have been unanimously warned to avoid. I didn't think anyof you wanted to even know what linear algebra is or that it is taught by the heavy metal uber strange professor listed under "One Weird Professor!" I didn't think any of you wanted to even think about any of that. So maybe I'll forgo my second post for today afterall. So sorry.
A bit of a mean streak
So for today's post I decided I would try something a little different... So what I am going to do next is so ghastly unspeakable I am going to write it in code. Now because I do actually want you to read this, So I don't want to make it too hard. Here's the key a=q, b=v, c=s, d=t, e=e, f=g, g=f, h=w, I will also equal s and will be distinguished by context, j=4, k= + , L = l. By now the pattern should be clear and I will leave the rest for you to figure out.
Asd + Hoen 564't squire nsvsd fghei lm andi bthe oxirn 12~dc. Eh diesn owoeunbx werywe.
You like? I should also inform you of a fact of which any good coder is aware--The spacing may or may not be a decoy. Enjoy. Good luck with it. If you want to participate please feel free to join in. Oh and there's no gaurantee on the order either though it should be mostly right.
Asd + Hoen 564't squire nsvsd fghei lm andi bthe oxirn 12~dc. Eh diesn owoeunbx werywe.
You like? I should also inform you of a fact of which any good coder is aware--The spacing may or may not be a decoy. Enjoy. Good luck with it. If you want to participate please feel free to join in. Oh and there's no gaurantee on the order either though it should be mostly right.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Hmmm Fascinating!
Forster's Syndrome
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In his book, "The Act of Creation" Arthur Koestler reported on the phenomenon of compulsive punning, known as Forster’s syndrome, after the German surgeon who first observed it. In 1929 when was operating on a patient suffering from a tumour in the third ventricle – a small cavity deep down in the phylogenetically ancient regions of the mid-brain, adjacent to structures intimately concerned with the arousal of emotions. When the surgeon began to manipulate the tumor, affecting those sensitive structures, the (conscious) patient burst into a manic flight of puns. He exhibited typical sound associations, and with every word of the operator broke into a flight of ideas. The sound of one word swiftly echoed in the sound of the next, and all of the words had something to do with knives and butchery. This gruesome humour, Koestler noted, all came "from a man tied facedown to the operating table with his skull open."
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In his book, "The Act of Creation" Arthur Koestler reported on the phenomenon of compulsive punning, known as Forster’s syndrome, after the German surgeon who first observed it. In 1929 when was operating on a patient suffering from a tumour in the third ventricle – a small cavity deep down in the phylogenetically ancient regions of the mid-brain, adjacent to structures intimately concerned with the arousal of emotions. When the surgeon began to manipulate the tumor, affecting those sensitive structures, the (conscious) patient burst into a manic flight of puns. He exhibited typical sound associations, and with every word of the operator broke into a flight of ideas. The sound of one word swiftly echoed in the sound of the next, and all of the words had something to do with knives and butchery. This gruesome humour, Koestler noted, all came "from a man tied facedown to the operating table with his skull open."
My Tribute to America
So here's My Tribute to America belated but oh well .Have a safe veterans day. For any of you who read this I hope whoever you are waiting for comes home safe and in one piece.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
ATTN: ANONYMOUS
So four times now I have recieved the post "Hey nice blog!..." I am flattered by the compliment, but from there its all downhill. The anonymous blogger then has the audacity to ADVERTISE in MY domain! Suggesting that I can make upwards of 800$ or more per month (though they never tell you that you will actually make substantially less). Well I couldn't help myself with the 800$ a month I could be making if I sold my soul to advertising and allowed annoying pop-ups. I gave in and did... NOTHING! You will note the shiny new lack of any corporate logos. Then off to the left is the YOU MIGHT BE A WINNER!!!! not flashing or making anyone sick. If you go to my November posts section you will not see a fun little game where you try to hit a duck with a target on it. Nor will you see bugs to be swatted or even the BMW with rain on its windshield. For 800$ a month, or as much as I make during 5 weeks at the planetarium or half of what I get at summer camp, I couldn't refuse not having free gifts for filling out surveys nor could I not resist trying to guess which celebrities torso this is. I wanted nothing to do with fastclick.whatever or castlemedia. I don't even care about finding those I graduated with. I know what happened to her, I can guess what happened to him. Sadly I gave up and haven't won a free gift certificate to chili's, I don't have a customizable IPOD. And the realy big ones that aren't here sorry for anyone looking for such things, even for 800$/ month, you aren't going to find any Cialis, levitra, Viagra, Viagra look alikes but spelled differents, There will be no talk of how happy you can make your woman or how she will love you or improving anything below your belt. The only thaings that will be longer and harder allowed on this blog are calculus problems and possibly running, as one of my best friends is attempting to run the world (?) with a two year old et al. Sadly, but even for 800$/ month there will be no credit score checks, travelocity ads, or buying a house done on my webpage! So sorry anonymous, I am not intersted! If you could take yours and all your friends spam and SHOVE IT! I would be much obliged.
P.S. Thanks again for the compliment.
P.S. Thanks again for the compliment.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
PUn Bullemia
Due to the Success of my first foal-io I decided I would write a sequel to 101 Cow Jokes. Again, all of my jokes are clean, some require some background information, and none were meant to be offensive. They are all in good fun and if any are hurtful, I profusely apologize. And now for the Cow-pital PUNisment:
101 MORE Cow Jokes
1-7. Cows have many religions around the world including:
Cow-ism (Daoism)
Calf-olic
Moo-slem
Hind-gnu (Hind-moo)
Ag-gnu-stic
Torro-astrianism
& Zebu-dism
8. Scientists have discovered a new subatomic cow particle.
They're calling it a Moo-on
9. If there were a herd of African cattle here I would surely be trampled, but I guess No gnus is good gnus.
10. Where do cows go to get a drivers license?
Their local Cow-nty seat.
11. How do you spot a Holstein?
You don't they're born that way.
12. Did you hear about the bullet that almost hit the cow?
The cow was only grazed.
13. Did you hear about the cow that ran track?
Its best event was the herd-als
14. George Fredrick Handel wrote a beautiful work about cattle.
Its called the Moo-ssiah
15. Have you herd about the American composer named after an African ruminant?
Arron Cop-Eland, He is famous for the song Rodeo.
16. What do Moo-sicians play?
The Cow-linet (They are of course lead by a Cow-nductor)
17-22. Places often visited by vacationing cattle:
Cura-cow
Puerto Ri-cow
Gnu Zealand (New Ze-Eland)
Gnu York
A-mooo-ba (Aruba)
Pa-Yak-istan
23. What makes cattle sick?
A-moo-bas and other Mi-cow-robes
24. What do you call a cow who collects coins?
Gnu-mismatist
25. A cow having an affair is a?
Mooo-nlighter
26-31. What are some jobs for cattle with Ph.Ds?
Moo-sicologist
Psy-cow-logist
Gyn-gnu-cowlogist
Gnu-rologist
Cow-smologist or an Astrono-mooo-er
32. If a cow gets his Eagle is he involved in the Boy S-cow-ts?
32. What do you call the brilliant offspring of a cow?
A Cattle Prod-igee
33. How do you take a cow's picture?
With a cow-moo-ra
34. How do you demonstrate change to cattle?
With Beef-ore and after pictures.
35-39 Q: What are the cattle of Greek and Roman mythology?
Zeus and Herda
Herd-cules
De-meat-er (Demeter)
Moo-dia (Media)
Moo-lysses (Ulysses)
40. Q: Where was Napoleon's cow killed?
A: In the battle of Water-moo
41. Q: What is the diet of a health conscious cow?
A: Something low in Cow-leries
42. Q: What makes a cow work?
A: His Mooo-tivation
43.Q: Do you know what "pasteurize" means?
A: Farther than you can see
44. Q: What is the name of the only knighted cow?
A: Sir Loin
45. On a cow they have found a number only divisi-bull by 1 and its self.
They are calling it a Prime Rib
46. Q: What do cows drink?
A: Cow-pucchino
47. Q: What else do cattle drink?
A: Brand-y
(What else Al-cow-hol--actually water)
48. Q: What do you call a cow that steals hot new items?
A: A brand-it
49. Q: how do you cure a cow?
A: With a brand-aide
50-53. Famous Mooovie stars:
Cowol Brunette
Beef Midler
Moolan Brand-o
Boris Cow-loff
54-56. What are some famous cow science fiction tails?
Battlestar Cow-lactica by Ben Bovine
Steer Wars and Steer trek
20,000 leagues udder the sea
57. Cows also enjoy reading the Moo testament
58. Q: Have you heard of the barnyard bandits?
A: Butch Cow-sidy and the Sundance Kidd
59. Q: Why was the cow lying on his back with all 4 legs in the air?
A: Dead, naw he was just trying to trip birds
60. Q: What do you call a bovine gang-steer?
A: Cow Cow-pone (Al Capone)
61. Q: What do you get if you throw a black angus into the black sea?
A: One angry wet cow and one tired shoulder
62. Q: What is the difference between a sleeping cow and a cheap tourist?
A: The cow tips
63-69.
70. Q: What do you get if you cross Swiss cheese and beef?
A: Holey Cow
71-74. And now for a beef (er brief) course in cow biology:
Cows are part of an ecowsystem
The energy producers in a cow are called Mito-cow-ndria
What makes a cow strong are its Moo-scles
& a cow will remain at rest until forced into Moo-tion.
75. Q: what do you call a book written by Cowl Marx?
A: Das Cow-pital
76. Cows-ablanca is a cow's favorite moo-vie
77-82. Barnyard scientists:
Sir Isaac Moo-ton
Cowleleio Galeleigh
Nicolaus Cow-pernicus
Albert Einswine
Sir Francis Bacon
& finally John Ham-Monday
83. What do you call an over pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
84. Q: What do you call a cow that gnus (knows) all?
A: A moo-ru (guru)
85. Q: What is a cow's favorite oriental dish? A: Mooo goo gai pan 86. Q: Why was the cow fired from his job? A: He couldn't cud it
88. How does a cow start a journal? Dear Dairy
89. What do cows put on their spaghetti?
A Bull-onaise sauce
90-93. What do cows like to drink?
Moo-tinis
Moo-garitas
A-cow-a (agua)
Anything de-calf
94. Courtesy of Bennett Cerf "In a magical forest lived two families of amiable, hard working gnus, who enjoyed picnicking together. Each family boasted their own mischief maker, and though each mother was convinced her own little gnu was the innocent dupe of his evil friend. You should punish that rascally brat of yours, shrilled one mother finally. A sound spanking might do him some good. Spank My son indeed, huffed the heiffer. Why don't you go paddle your own gnu?
95. The pope, like U.S. President Howard Taft let a cow graze upon his lawn.
It was called the Papal Bull. (not to be confused with the official presidential bull)
96. What do you call a sleeping cow?
A bull dozer
97. If a cow can't do something is it impossi-bull??
98. What do you call it when a cow shoots a gun?
Bull-istics
98-101+ More famous composers
Noel Cow-ard
Moo-zart
Moo-mann (Schumann)
Deb-moo-sy
Tchai-cow-sky
Duke Eland-ton
And as I once read on a cow musical greeting card: 'Moo Jazz Grass-ias"
101 MORE Cow Jokes
1-7. Cows have many religions around the world including:
Cow-ism (Daoism)
Calf-olic
Moo-slem
Hind-gnu (Hind-moo)
Ag-gnu-stic
Torro-astrianism
& Zebu-dism
8. Scientists have discovered a new subatomic cow particle.
They're calling it a Moo-on
9. If there were a herd of African cattle here I would surely be trampled, but I guess No gnus is good gnus.
10. Where do cows go to get a drivers license?
Their local Cow-nty seat.
11. How do you spot a Holstein?
You don't they're born that way.
12. Did you hear about the bullet that almost hit the cow?
The cow was only grazed.
13. Did you hear about the cow that ran track?
Its best event was the herd-als
14. George Fredrick Handel wrote a beautiful work about cattle.
Its called the Moo-ssiah
15. Have you herd about the American composer named after an African ruminant?
Arron Cop-Eland, He is famous for the song Rodeo.
16. What do Moo-sicians play?
The Cow-linet (They are of course lead by a Cow-nductor)
17-22. Places often visited by vacationing cattle:
Cura-cow
Puerto Ri-cow
Gnu Zealand (New Ze-Eland)
Gnu York
A-mooo-ba (Aruba)
Pa-Yak-istan
23. What makes cattle sick?
A-moo-bas and other Mi-cow-robes
24. What do you call a cow who collects coins?
Gnu-mismatist
25. A cow having an affair is a?
Mooo-nlighter
26-31. What are some jobs for cattle with Ph.Ds?
Moo-sicologist
Psy-cow-logist
Gyn-gnu-cowlogist
Gnu-rologist
Cow-smologist or an Astrono-mooo-er
32. If a cow gets his Eagle is he involved in the Boy S-cow-ts?
32. What do you call the brilliant offspring of a cow?
A Cattle Prod-igee
33. How do you take a cow's picture?
With a cow-moo-ra
34. How do you demonstrate change to cattle?
With Beef-ore and after pictures.
35-39 Q: What are the cattle of Greek and Roman mythology?
Zeus and Herda
Herd-cules
De-meat-er (Demeter)
Moo-dia (Media)
Moo-lysses (Ulysses)
40. Q: Where was Napoleon's cow killed?
A: In the battle of Water-moo
41. Q: What is the diet of a health conscious cow?
A: Something low in Cow-leries
42. Q: What makes a cow work?
A: His Mooo-tivation
43.Q: Do you know what "pasteurize" means?
A: Farther than you can see
44. Q: What is the name of the only knighted cow?
A: Sir Loin
45. On a cow they have found a number only divisi-bull by 1 and its self.
They are calling it a Prime Rib
46. Q: What do cows drink?
A: Cow-pucchino
47. Q: What else do cattle drink?
A: Brand-y
(What else Al-cow-hol--actually water)
48. Q: What do you call a cow that steals hot new items?
A: A brand-it
49. Q: how do you cure a cow?
A: With a brand-aide
50-53. Famous Mooovie stars:
Cowol Brunette
Beef Midler
Moolan Brand-o
Boris Cow-loff
54-56. What are some famous cow science fiction tails?
Battlestar Cow-lactica by Ben Bovine
Steer Wars and Steer trek
20,000 leagues udder the sea
57. Cows also enjoy reading the Moo testament
58. Q: Have you heard of the barnyard bandits?
A: Butch Cow-sidy and the Sundance Kidd
59. Q: Why was the cow lying on his back with all 4 legs in the air?
A: Dead, naw he was just trying to trip birds
60. Q: What do you call a bovine gang-steer?
A: Cow Cow-pone (Al Capone)
61. Q: What do you get if you throw a black angus into the black sea?
A: One angry wet cow and one tired shoulder
62. Q: What is the difference between a sleeping cow and a cheap tourist?
A: The cow tips
63-69.
70. Q: What do you get if you cross Swiss cheese and beef?
A: Holey Cow
71-74. And now for a beef (er brief) course in cow biology:
Cows are part of an ecowsystem
The energy producers in a cow are called Mito-cow-ndria
What makes a cow strong are its Moo-scles
& a cow will remain at rest until forced into Moo-tion.
75. Q: what do you call a book written by Cowl Marx?
A: Das Cow-pital
76. Cows-ablanca is a cow's favorite moo-vie
77-82. Barnyard scientists:
Sir Isaac Moo-ton
Cowleleio Galeleigh
Nicolaus Cow-pernicus
Albert Einswine
Sir Francis Bacon
& finally John Ham-Monday
83. What do you call an over pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
84. Q: What do you call a cow that gnus (knows) all?
A: A moo-ru (guru)
85. Q: What is a cow's favorite oriental dish? A: Mooo goo gai pan 86. Q: Why was the cow fired from his job? A: He couldn't cud it
88. How does a cow start a journal? Dear Dairy
89. What do cows put on their spaghetti?
A Bull-onaise sauce
90-93. What do cows like to drink?
Moo-tinis
Moo-garitas
A-cow-a (agua)
Anything de-calf
94. Courtesy of Bennett Cerf "In a magical forest lived two families of amiable, hard working gnus, who enjoyed picnicking together. Each family boasted their own mischief maker, and though each mother was convinced her own little gnu was the innocent dupe of his evil friend. You should punish that rascally brat of yours, shrilled one mother finally. A sound spanking might do him some good. Spank My son indeed, huffed the heiffer. Why don't you go paddle your own gnu?
95. The pope, like U.S. President Howard Taft let a cow graze upon his lawn.
It was called the Papal Bull. (not to be confused with the official presidential bull)
96. What do you call a sleeping cow?
A bull dozer
97. If a cow can't do something is it impossi-bull??
98. What do you call it when a cow shoots a gun?
Bull-istics
98-101+ More famous composers
Noel Cow-ard
Moo-zart
Moo-mann (Schumann)
Deb-moo-sy
Tchai-cow-sky
Duke Eland-ton
And as I once read on a cow musical greeting card: 'Moo Jazz Grass-ias"
A Whole Lot of Bull
101 OF THE WORLDS WORST COW JOKES BY JOHN BOOM
REVIEWS:
It was udder-ly ridiculous!-- Lucine Emrazian
This book made me want to immediately run home and call my M-udder!-- Jim
Your work has Mooo-ved me! My dear ol Mum
This was the best book I have ever read, and that's no Bull --The udder 1/2 of Jim
Reader Beware: The following are quite possibly the worst jokes you have ever herd on the topic of cattle. For the most part all of my jokes are clean. Some require certain background information and almost all are just plain dumb.
1. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef
2. Q: What do you call a cow with no hind legs?
A: An Udder Drag
3. Q: What do you call a cow with no right legs?
A: Lean Beef
4. Q: What do you call a cow with no left legs?
A: All Right
5. Q: Where do you find a cow with no legs?
A: Right where you left him (Why shouldn't you sky dive? It really scares the cow)
6. Q: Where do you get dragon milk?
A: From a short legged cow
7. Q: What do you call a no legged cow?
A: Patty
8. Q: What do you call a cow whose udder doesn't work?
A: An Udder Failure
9. Q: What else do you call a cow whose Udder doesn't work?
A: A Milk Dud
10. Q: What do you get if a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
A: Shredded Beef (Utter destruction)
11. Q: What do you get if you spill something on a cow?
A: A Holstain
12. Q: What do you get if you have two cows in a tug-of-war?
A: Beef Jerky
13. Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: 'cause their horns don't work
14. Q: If a cow laughs does milk come out its nose? ????????????
15. City Folk (Ci F): Nice bunch a cows you got there.
Country Folk (Co F): It's not a bunch, it's a herd.
Ci F: Heard What?
Co F: Herd of Cattle.
Ci F: Why sure I've heard of cattle.
Co F: No a cow herd!
Ci F: I don't care if a cow heard I ain't got no secrets!
16. Q: A cow was once heard quoting the following #s 3.141592, do you know what it was?
A: A Cow Pi
17. Q: What do you know if you find bones on the moon?
A: The cow didn't make it
18. Q: What do you call a cow magician?
A: Moo-dini
19. Q: Where do you cultivate cattle?
A: On a Bo-vine
20. Q: What city has more cattle than any other?
A: Moo York City
21. Q: Name another city famous for beef?
A: MosCow
22. Q: Who owns Play Cow magazine?
A: Hugh Heifer
23. Q: What do you tabulate cattle with?
A: A Cow-culator
24. Q: When cows suffer PMS what do they go through?
A: Mooood Swings
25. Q: When schools are hiring what position should a cow apply for?
A: A Guidance Cow-ncelor
26. Q: Did you know Caesar married a cow?
A: Cow-pernia
27. Q: What do you call the face of a cow?
A: Her Cow-ntenance
28. Q: What do you get if you cross an Angus with a chicken?
A: A Cow-ard
29. Q: What is a bovine's favorite celestial body?
A: The Moooon
30. Q: Are you sure, one cow said to the other?
A: I'd be willing to steak my life on it.
31. Q: What do cattle hold down tents with?
A: Tent Steaks
32. Q: What do you call small grass like cattle?
A: Moss-cow 3
3. Q: If a cow does not speak clearly what is she doing?
A: M-udder-ing
34. Q: What do you say to a 5 million pound cow wearing headphones?
A: Anything you want, she can't hear you. and doesn't speak english anyway.
35. Q: What is the favorite classical composer for cattle?
A: Beef-thoven
36. Q: Why do cows listen to Beethoven?
A: They like his MOOO-sic
37. Knock, Knock Mooo's There?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupt...MOOOOOO
38. Knock, Knock Mooo's There?
Em Em Who?
What are you a cow?
39. Knock, Knock Moo's There?
Cowp Cowp Who?
No Thanks, I'll pass.
40. Q: What are a cow's favorite Greek letters?
A: α-α (alfalfa)
41. Q: What is a cow's second favorite Greek letter?
A: Moo (μ)
42. Q: What do you call a spendthrift Bovine?
A: A MOOO-cher
43. Q: Where does a cow take a date?
A: To the Moo-vies
44. Q: Name a cow's favorite movie?
A: Moo-lan Rouge
45. Q: Name another movie popular among young cattle?
A: Moo-lan
46. Q: What a cow earns?
A: Moo-lah
47. Q: What do you call a cow after giving birth?
A: De-calf
48. Q: What is the strongest muscle on a cow?
A: Its calf muscles
49. Q: Who do cattle rely on to keep track of their money?
A: Ac-Cow-ntants
Now, The real number 50
50. Q: What do you get if you mix cattle with Raisin Bran?
A: The Running of the Bulls
51. Q: Name a cow horror movie?
A: Return of the Invisi-Bull Man
52. Q: Who else could own PlayBull magazine?
A: Hugh Hoofner
53. Q: What math do most cattle take?
A: Cow-culus
54. Q: What is the favorite deli meat for cows?
A: Bull-oney
55. Q: What do Cattle wear?
A: Jerseys
56. Q: What do cowboys go to the prom on?
A: A limousine* (or if you don't like that a lim-Moo-sine)
*A limousine is a breed of cattle
57. Q: What do you call the super hero among cattle?
A: Capa-Bull
58. Q: Who is the most famous cow in the Bible?
A: Cain and A-Bull 59.
Q: Who is the second most famous Biblical Cow?
A: Moo-ses
60. Q: According to the Greeks, what group of cattle are the best at art?
A: The Nine Moo-ses (Muses)
60-70. The complete works of William Shakes-steer:
Mac-Beef
Ti-Moo-n of Athens
The Tragedy of King Rich-Herd II
The Tragedy of Troilus and Cow-sida
King Steer
Much A-Moo About Nothing
Cymb-Moo-line
The Tragedy of Coriol-Angus
The Tragedy of Prince Ha-Moo-let
Taming of the Moo
Cow-moo-dy of Errors
71. Q: What is a cow's favorite salad dressing?
A: Ranch
72. Bull-pen: Its what cattle use to write with.
73. Q: What do you call it if a cow starts dancing?
A: A Milk-shake
74. Famous cow blues band?
A: The Mooo-dy Blues
76 Q: What is a play well liked by cattle, written by Tennessee Williams?
A: Mooo-n River
77. Q: Where might cattle eat?
A: At a Calf-ateria
78. Q: name the head garment worn by medieval bovines?
A: A Cow-l
79. Q: What do you call the death penalty for cattle?
A: Cow-pital Punishment (big mac)
80. Q: If you let a cow live in front of your house do you know what you have?
A: You have a lawn Moo-er
81-84. What are some famous buildings built by Cattle?
The Lincoln and Jefferson Moo-morials
The Ala-Moo
The United States Cow-pital building
AND The Mus De Beaux Fine (Bovine) Arts Center
85. Q: What do you call a demon among cattle?
A: A Calf-fiend (caffeine)
86-89. Q: There are four states in the Union named after cattle. Can you name them?
A: Cow-lifornia, Cow-lorado, and the Cow-olinas
90. Q: What do you call a lazy cow?
A: A Cow-ch Potato (couch potato)
91. Q: What do you call a problematic cow?
A: A Cow-nundrum
92. Q: Why would a mother cow be mad at you?
A: Because you were out Pasture Bedtime
93. Q: What is the favorite thing for romantic cows to do?
A: Cud-dle
94-98. Q: There were many very important cattle throughout history. Can you name them?
Neb-Moo-chadnezzar (Zebu-chadnezzar)
Emperor Cow-nstantine
Charlem-Angus
Moo-Ze Dong
And Moo-solini
99. Q: Another name for a beef turnover?
A: A COW-PIE
...And Finally 101.
You,ve been Mooo-ned
The end
REVIEWS:
It was udder-ly ridiculous!-- Lucine Emrazian
This book made me want to immediately run home and call my M-udder!-- Jim
Your work has Mooo-ved me! My dear ol Mum
This was the best book I have ever read, and that's no Bull --The udder 1/2 of Jim
Reader Beware: The following are quite possibly the worst jokes you have ever herd on the topic of cattle. For the most part all of my jokes are clean. Some require certain background information and almost all are just plain dumb.
1. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef
2. Q: What do you call a cow with no hind legs?
A: An Udder Drag
3. Q: What do you call a cow with no right legs?
A: Lean Beef
4. Q: What do you call a cow with no left legs?
A: All Right
5. Q: Where do you find a cow with no legs?
A: Right where you left him (Why shouldn't you sky dive? It really scares the cow)
6. Q: Where do you get dragon milk?
A: From a short legged cow
7. Q: What do you call a no legged cow?
A: Patty
8. Q: What do you call a cow whose udder doesn't work?
A: An Udder Failure
9. Q: What else do you call a cow whose Udder doesn't work?
A: A Milk Dud
10. Q: What do you get if a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
A: Shredded Beef (Utter destruction)
11. Q: What do you get if you spill something on a cow?
A: A Holstain
12. Q: What do you get if you have two cows in a tug-of-war?
A: Beef Jerky
13. Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: 'cause their horns don't work
14. Q: If a cow laughs does milk come out its nose? ????????????
15. City Folk (Ci F): Nice bunch a cows you got there.
Country Folk (Co F): It's not a bunch, it's a herd.
Ci F: Heard What?
Co F: Herd of Cattle.
Ci F: Why sure I've heard of cattle.
Co F: No a cow herd!
Ci F: I don't care if a cow heard I ain't got no secrets!
16. Q: A cow was once heard quoting the following #s 3.141592, do you know what it was?
A: A Cow Pi
17. Q: What do you know if you find bones on the moon?
A: The cow didn't make it
18. Q: What do you call a cow magician?
A: Moo-dini
19. Q: Where do you cultivate cattle?
A: On a Bo-vine
20. Q: What city has more cattle than any other?
A: Moo York City
21. Q: Name another city famous for beef?
A: MosCow
22. Q: Who owns Play Cow magazine?
A: Hugh Heifer
23. Q: What do you tabulate cattle with?
A: A Cow-culator
24. Q: When cows suffer PMS what do they go through?
A: Mooood Swings
25. Q: When schools are hiring what position should a cow apply for?
A: A Guidance Cow-ncelor
26. Q: Did you know Caesar married a cow?
A: Cow-pernia
27. Q: What do you call the face of a cow?
A: Her Cow-ntenance
28. Q: What do you get if you cross an Angus with a chicken?
A: A Cow-ard
29. Q: What is a bovine's favorite celestial body?
A: The Moooon
30. Q: Are you sure, one cow said to the other?
A: I'd be willing to steak my life on it.
31. Q: What do cattle hold down tents with?
A: Tent Steaks
32. Q: What do you call small grass like cattle?
A: Moss-cow 3
3. Q: If a cow does not speak clearly what is she doing?
A: M-udder-ing
34. Q: What do you say to a 5 million pound cow wearing headphones?
A: Anything you want, she can't hear you. and doesn't speak english anyway.
35. Q: What is the favorite classical composer for cattle?
A: Beef-thoven
36. Q: Why do cows listen to Beethoven?
A: They like his MOOO-sic
37. Knock, Knock Mooo's There?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupt...MOOOOOO
38. Knock, Knock Mooo's There?
Em Em Who?
What are you a cow?
39. Knock, Knock Moo's There?
Cowp Cowp Who?
No Thanks, I'll pass.
40. Q: What are a cow's favorite Greek letters?
A: α-α (alfalfa)
41. Q: What is a cow's second favorite Greek letter?
A: Moo (μ)
42. Q: What do you call a spendthrift Bovine?
A: A MOOO-cher
43. Q: Where does a cow take a date?
A: To the Moo-vies
44. Q: Name a cow's favorite movie?
A: Moo-lan Rouge
45. Q: Name another movie popular among young cattle?
A: Moo-lan
46. Q: What a cow earns?
A: Moo-lah
47. Q: What do you call a cow after giving birth?
A: De-calf
48. Q: What is the strongest muscle on a cow?
A: Its calf muscles
49. Q: Who do cattle rely on to keep track of their money?
A: Ac-Cow-ntants
Now, The real number 50
50. Q: What do you get if you mix cattle with Raisin Bran?
A: The Running of the Bulls
51. Q: Name a cow horror movie?
A: Return of the Invisi-Bull Man
52. Q: Who else could own PlayBull magazine?
A: Hugh Hoofner
53. Q: What math do most cattle take?
A: Cow-culus
54. Q: What is the favorite deli meat for cows?
A: Bull-oney
55. Q: What do Cattle wear?
A: Jerseys
56. Q: What do cowboys go to the prom on?
A: A limousine* (or if you don't like that a lim-Moo-sine)
*A limousine is a breed of cattle
57. Q: What do you call the super hero among cattle?
A: Capa-Bull
58. Q: Who is the most famous cow in the Bible?
A: Cain and A-Bull 59.
Q: Who is the second most famous Biblical Cow?
A: Moo-ses
60. Q: According to the Greeks, what group of cattle are the best at art?
A: The Nine Moo-ses (Muses)
60-70. The complete works of William Shakes-steer:
Mac-Beef
Ti-Moo-n of Athens
The Tragedy of King Rich-Herd II
The Tragedy of Troilus and Cow-sida
King Steer
Much A-Moo About Nothing
Cymb-Moo-line
The Tragedy of Coriol-Angus
The Tragedy of Prince Ha-Moo-let
Taming of the Moo
Cow-moo-dy of Errors
71. Q: What is a cow's favorite salad dressing?
A: Ranch
72. Bull-pen: Its what cattle use to write with.
73. Q: What do you call it if a cow starts dancing?
A: A Milk-shake
74. Famous cow blues band?
A: The Mooo-dy Blues
76 Q: What is a play well liked by cattle, written by Tennessee Williams?
A: Mooo-n River
77. Q: Where might cattle eat?
A: At a Calf-ateria
78. Q: name the head garment worn by medieval bovines?
A: A Cow-l
79. Q: What do you call the death penalty for cattle?
A: Cow-pital Punishment (big mac)
80. Q: If you let a cow live in front of your house do you know what you have?
A: You have a lawn Moo-er
81-84. What are some famous buildings built by Cattle?
The Lincoln and Jefferson Moo-morials
The Ala-Moo
The United States Cow-pital building
AND The Mus De Beaux Fine (Bovine) Arts Center
85. Q: What do you call a demon among cattle?
A: A Calf-fiend (caffeine)
86-89. Q: There are four states in the Union named after cattle. Can you name them?
A: Cow-lifornia, Cow-lorado, and the Cow-olinas
90. Q: What do you call a lazy cow?
A: A Cow-ch Potato (couch potato)
91. Q: What do you call a problematic cow?
A: A Cow-nundrum
92. Q: Why would a mother cow be mad at you?
A: Because you were out Pasture Bedtime
93. Q: What is the favorite thing for romantic cows to do?
A: Cud-dle
94-98. Q: There were many very important cattle throughout history. Can you name them?
Neb-Moo-chadnezzar (Zebu-chadnezzar)
Emperor Cow-nstantine
Charlem-Angus
Moo-Ze Dong
And Moo-solini
99. Q: Another name for a beef turnover?
A: A COW-PIE
...And Finally 101.
You,ve been Mooo-ned
The end
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Spotty at best
So It came and it went.
After 5 hoursI am spent.
12:12 on the nose...
Find it quick before the lighting goes.
Will we see that tiny dot?
Is that it, naw, just a sunspot.
Wait, and watch that illumed orb we hold dear.
Will its tiny companion ever appear?
One telescope + one crowd
Is that it-- D--n! Its a cloud.
Look There!
Where
Its Finally here!
All hail the PERFECT sphere!
There it goes
O-Oo SUCKERHOLES
Clouds
Infernal vapor shrouds!
One last time
This is the beautiful end of my mercury rhyme
After 5 hoursI am spent.
12:12 on the nose...
Find it quick before the lighting goes.
Will we see that tiny dot?
Is that it, naw, just a sunspot.
Wait, and watch that illumed orb we hold dear.
Will its tiny companion ever appear?
One telescope + one crowd
Is that it-- D--n! Its a cloud.
Look There!
Where
Its Finally here!
All hail the PERFECT sphere!
There it goes
O-Oo SUCKERHOLES
Clouds
Infernal vapor shrouds!
One last time
This is the beautiful end of my mercury rhyme
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
The Transitive property
Look At the SUN!! No Really (but do it safely i.e. with welder glasses or a pinhole or a telescope with a mylar filter) Today mercury will be going across the face of the sun from noon til five. For said pinhole technique put a pinhole in a paper. hold up another paper light will diffuse out through hole onto another paper. look at the 2nd paper. NOT THE FIRST! and you will see an ecclips
Monday, November 06, 2006
White and Nerdy
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1384277706451157
White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic
So how nerdy are you?
They see me mowin
My front lawn
I know they’re all thinking I’m so white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Can’t you see I’m white and nerdy?
Look at me, I’m white and nerdy
I wanna roll with
The gangstas
But so far they all think I’m too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
I’m just too white and nerdy.
Really really white and nerdy.
White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic
So how nerdy are you?
They see me mowin
My front lawn
I know they’re all thinking I’m so white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Can’t you see I’m white and nerdy?
Look at me, I’m white and nerdy
I wanna roll with
The gangstas
But so far they all think I’m too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
I’m just too white and nerdy.
Really really white and nerdy.
First in my class here at MIT
Got skills, I’m a champion at D&D
MC Escher - that’s my favorite MC
Keep your 40, I’ll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin, to the contrary
You’ll find that they’re quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawking’s in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
Got people beggin’ for my top eight spaces
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places
Ain’t got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I’m a whiz at Minesweeper - I could play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you’re gonna stay amazed
My fingers’ movin’ so fast I’ll set the place ablaze
There’s no killer app I haven’t run
At Pascal, well I’m number one
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain’t got a gat but I got a soldering gun
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I’ll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I’m fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon
They see me roll on
My Segway
I know in my heart they think I’m white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Can’t you see I’m white and nerdy
Look at me, I’m white and nerdy
I’d like to roll with
The gangstas
Although it’s apparent I’m too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
I’m just too white and nerdy
How’d I get so white and nerdy
I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’
X-Men comics, you know I collect ‘em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect ‘em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code, who do they call?
I do HTML for ‘em all
Even made a homepage for my dog
Yo, I got myself a fanny pack
They were havin’ a sale down at The Gap
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
Pop, pop, hope no one sees me
Gettin’ freaky
I’m nerdy in the extreme
And whiter than sour cream
I was in AV Club and Glee Club and even the Chess Team
Only question I
Ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk
Or do I like Picard
Spend every weekend at the Renaissance Fair
Got my name on my underwear
They see me strollin’
They laughin’
And rollin’ their eyes ‘cause I’m so white and nerdy
Just because I’m white and nerdy
Just because I’m white and nerdy
All because I’m white and nerdy
Holy cow, I’m white and nerdy
I wanna bowl with
The gangstas
But, oh well, it’s obvious I’m white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
I’m just too white and nerdy
Look at me, I’m white and nerdy
Saturday, November 04, 2006
101 Jokes that don't measure up
1. A joke about a ruler was told for good measure
2. The rulers favorite shakespearean play is measure for measure
3. The candle was at wicks end.
4. Lawyer owns a bar only serves beer
5. tennis player owns a bar only serves and returns drinks
6. Why are fire-engines red?
2+2=4, 4x3, is twelve, twelve inches is a ruler, a great ruler was Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Elizabeth sailed the ocean, the ocean has fish, fish have fins, Finns fought the Russians, Russians are red, Fire engines are red because of all the Russian around they do.
7. Alternative definitions Butcher
See meter
8. What is the most dangerous unit of measure?
2.54 centimeters because it is always within an inch of its life
9. What is a fluid measures favorite book?
The Wizard of oz.
10. Why did the field go to the dentist?
It had a tooth acre
11. What do you call it if you put a spell on a field?
A hexacre
12. What did the judge sentence the atom to?
Angstrom management classes.
13. Why are fish like balances?
They both have scales
14. Alternative definitions: AU
astronomer gold
15. What is the favorite dog food of a computer programer?
Kibbles and bits
16. Why was the programer unhappy?
He was coming to bits
17. How does a programer lead a horse?
By a bit
18. Why don't lumberjacks go hiking?
They get board feet
19. What do you call a hundred legged unit of measure?
A centimeter
20. Who is the goddess of Greek Measuring?
De meter
21. Why couldn't the english volume unit dance?
Because he had two cubic feet
22. Why couldn't the unit for 24 hours concentrate?
He was a little days
23. So a royal army invaded a town and measured everything to the nearest 1/10th of a meter. the town was decimetered
24. Metrically minded aliens invaded Earth and promptly wanted to be taken to our liter.
25. The temperature goes up by degrees
26. Temperature is the smartest universal quantity.
It has the most degrees
27. Who was a famous thermal alchemist?
Par-Celsius
28. Is arcophobic temperature afraid of Fahrenheights?
29. Is something smaller than six feet un-fathomable?
30. What do you call the 6 foot play taking place in an opera house?
The fathom of the opera
31. What do you call a one humped liquid camel?
a DRAMendary
32. What is the fastest spice measure?
The 50 yard dash (its also the longest.)
33. How is a sailor's measure like a scout camp intructor being tickled with rope?
One is a nautical mile the other is a knot tickle smile
34. How much does a snow leopard weigh?
One ounce [the ancient Latin name for a snow leopard was the Ounce--in fact the cat still bears this as its scientific name Oncia oncia]
35. How is the Spanish Inquisition like a physics class?
They both involve unit conversions
36. How is stochiometry different from castration?
One is a unit conversion the other is a eunich conversion {SORRY if this one offends}
37. Why should you never name your horse giga?
Because if you do you can be guaranteed lots of gigabites
A gill = half a cup
38 fish have only 8 oz of water they only have two gills
39. Which contry singer is only 4 oz?
Vince gill
40. Which unit was a hero in the battle for Troy?
Hectare
41. What do time units fill up on at parties?
Hour deurves
42. What is the favorite geographic destination of length measures?
Inch-on
43. If terabytes equal a trillion bits, and gigabytes equal a billion bits what do trilobytes equal?
44. What is the favorite star trek race for units?
The kilograms (klingons)
45. How is music like the metric system?
They both have meters
46. How is atmospheric science like inebriands?
They both deal in bars
47. What do you call a twisting pressure?
TORR que
48. What does a pressure unit call to a bull?
TORR o TORR o
49. Alternatve definition: Miliseconds
What Mili eats after firsts
Beware this one is BAD
50. Alternative definiton: Minutemen
The average guy
51. Alternative definition: nanometers
The things that pop up on everyone's blog every November saying what their current word count is.
52. A snow leopard leaps--It P-ounces
'nother bad one
53. Alternative definition: Parsecs
How baby pars are made
54. How much lobster do you have on St. Patricks day?
Just a pinch
55. Is the list of everyone on Jenny Craig a Weighting list
56. The dieter was at widths end
57. Doctors tell us that there are 7 million people who are over weight--but this is just a round number
58. Diet is DIE with a tea
59. Alternative definition: Microsoft
A unit equal to1x 10^-6 softs
60.-64. Alternative definition: Quarts
The gem that is in most watches
What you play tennis on
wooing
Sub atomic particles
The ____ of true love never did run smooth
65-67. Alternative definition: Rods
The unit of measure for a fisherman's ego
Also the unit of measure for a classic car enthusiasts ego
And the size a nuclear power plant is measured in
68-69. Alternative definition: Pounds
What we Americans carry around our mid sections
What scouts do all day long in leather work
69. Alternative definition: Square centimeters
The uncool centimeters
70/71. Alternative definition: square meters
A measure of the Scion
and a device for measuring Rhombusness
Here's a scion if you've never seen one. UGGH! Right up there with TP cruisers.
72. Alternative definition: kilometer
What assassins use to measure their progress
73. Alternative definition: half pint
See also kids
74. Alternative definition: Square yards
The arm of a ship mast that supports the sails
75. What is the difference between one yard and two?
A fence
76. Alternative definition: Micrograms
What you see when you look through a microscope after doing the most common stain in microbiology.
78. What do people who weigh things strive for in life?
A balanced existence
79. How is English poetry like an SI/ English unit hybrid?
They both deal with metric feet
80. What do you call a yellow rat one billionth of an inch long?
A pico-chew
81. What is the weather like to an atom?
It is filled with angstorms
82. Alternative definition: Exponent
A former opponent or proponent
83. How much do letters weigh?
1 telegram
84. What do you call charge 1 meter long?
A Coulombmeter
85. Who is the most awesome measuring device?
The Cool-ombmeter
86. What do you call bakers units that like to tease?
Tease-spoons
87. What can you find in a RULER’s crown?
The family Jules
88. What do you call a unit of magnetic flux that fits perfectly together to fill all available space?
A Tessla-ation
89. Which unit of inductance was a famous short story writer?
Oh Henry
90. What do you call a coulomb per second living in a tent?
A happy c-ampere
91. How do you talk about two units of electricity?
You use the Ampere sand
92. How do you convince someone of the speed of light?
C-ing is believing
93. What is the difference between the Russian CIA and a 2.205 pound bee?
One is the KGB the other is a kgBee
94. Where do knights keep their flags?
With the Bureau of Standards
95. How is an abstract mathematical space like a system of measure?
They are both metrics
96. How much money can be made in time?
40 cents it is after all four DIMEnsional
97. Why are measures not very smart?
They are DIMensions
98. Why is music like the metric system?
Both have meters and measures
99. Why is a 3 foot house cleaner like a parking ticket distributor?
They are both meter maids
100. More puns will come at length.
101. If you want more perhaps you will just have to weight.
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