Thursday, September 21, 2006

Statistics and Mathicism

101 Math Jokes

1. What crime was the mathematician charged with?
A FLn e (sound it out)

2. What do you call a crazed number cruncher?
A madmatician

3. What math does the Marquis de Sad practice?

4. This math problem was a real bear, So I put it into polar
coordinates and now its a polar bear.

5.What the person who developed the polar coordinates a polar explorer?

6. If something steals your circular coordinate system, what is it?
A polar-gheist

7. Why can you not calculate the y=mx+b of a horoscope?
I guess because the stars just aren't a-lined

8.How do mathematicians fly?
On Delta x airlines

9. What does a mathematician beggar ask?
Hey, mister could ya spare some deltas

10. Why should you always knock before entering the house of a delta?
You never know he could be changing

11. There was a supreme court case about density, do you know what it was?
P v. Wade (the P was supposed to be a Rho)

12. How do mathematicians tie dense objects up?
With their amazing knowledge of knot theory and a good long Rho-pe

13. Why did the mathematician look more stressed than he did the day before/
Because he was tenser

14. What is the densest U.S. state?
Rho-de Island

15. What is the densest city in the world?

16. What do you call a dense potato spining in a circle?
Rho-tater- tion (Rotation)

17. Why was the math geek unable to do anything else while calculating
average mass?
He was too caught up in the moment

18. What does a math geek say to signal he will be right there?
I' ll be just a moment

19.What will they call it when they finally discover the center of
mass for the entire universe?
A momentous occaision

20. Why was the mathematician eternally condemned?
He sined

21.Why can the mathematician never get free waveforms?
Because everything has a cos (cost)

22. A man fall down in the restaurant. Somebody frantically calls
out, "Is their a doctor in the house!?". The mathematician steps
foreward and says "No, but I'm a parametric."

23. mastication means to chew, mathtication is a mathematician with a lisp

24.How long is it from a mathematician's fingertip to his elbow?
1.000 Cubics

25. How do you calculate the zeros for a squared pea?
Use a pod-ratic

26. How do you calculate both real and imaginary solutions of mice?
Again, use a quad-rat-ic

27.What monster in the mathematics Odyssey did Ulysses blind with a
sharpened calculator?
The fearsome cycloid

28. What do you call a long thin string of circumferences divided by
the diameters that strangle their victims and swallow them hole?

29. What does a mathematician wear to the beach?

30. What do you call energy generated from crystals by a mathematician?

31. What did the number theorist go as for Halloween?
Count Dracula (count)

32. Science fiction has androids, doctors deal with hemroids,
Astronomer find astroids, so what do mathmatician deal with?
Centroids, cycloids and Inter-skull voids (usually found in
introductory studentoids)

33. Where do Catholic number crunchers go on Sunday's?

34. What do you call the total length of the path traveled by lightning?
arc lengths

35. In Rome, on the aquaducts, what calculus problem is there a lot of?
Arch lengths

36. Why did the mathematician smash and tear up the math problem?
He wanted to integrate by parts

37. What is the cry of both environmentalists and frustrated math students?
LOGging should be banned!

38. What do you call a math professor after 10 long weeks solving
problems in Bermuda?
A tan-gent

39.Why is a pirate with a missing parrot similar to a geometer?
Both involve poly-gone-s

40.What types of equations does Martha Stewart Solve?
linenear ones

41. What is the speed of light times the constant of the natural log?
That's eC (easy)

42. Why was the math professor doing calculus with sheep?
He was trying to do ewe substitution

43.What breakfast cereal, whose mascot is a rabbit, do mathematicians eat?

44.What type of paracite can you get from math?

45.How do you estimate how well you are liked by the ladies?
by using Gal-culus

46. What type of chart is popular with lawyers?
Bar graphs

47. 3.14 buccaneers are Pi-rates

48. What is a fun game palyed by mathematicians?
Hide and go sec

49. What is the math capital of the world?

50. What is the heel of a mathematician?
a calc-anious

51. What song about mathematics did George Gershwin compose?
I got Logarithm ...

52. What are mathematicians favorite star types?
Variable stars

53. What happens when mathematicians die?
They no longer function

54.What is one psychological hinderance to mathematicians?
Functional fixedness

55. What rock band do math geeks listen to?
The Funk-tions

56. What do math geeks do during winter vacation?
They hit the ski slopes (Ski derivatives?)

57. Was the female mathematician able to solve problems?
No secant

58. What plant like thing do math geeks often study?

59. What are the under garments of a math geekess?
Alge-bras (sorry)

60.What mathematician is the brother of the current president and
governor of Florida?

61. If the y intercept has 0 laughs and the rate of laughing is a
constant 1 chuckle per joke, what have I just graphed?
A Punch line

62. What does a calculator say when it gets mad?
Your pushing my buttons

63. What is a math book called in the Lone Star State?
A Tex book

64. Why did the mathematician tear out the table of solutions?
He had his appendix removed

65. What do John Deere trailors and geometers have in common?
They both use pro-tractors

66. What do map orienteering and geometry have in common?
They both involve compasses

67. Is geometry all encompassing?

68. Why was the geometer angry about an instantaneous deriviative?
He was I rate

69.What are the favorite species of birds for mathematicians?

70. What do you call a person who doesn't think any math jokes are funny?
A square

71. What holds square flowers in place?
Square roots

72. What do you call angry root -1?
Cross "i"s

73. What is the square root of -1?
i have no i dea

74.What is the best thing do when threaten by an imaginary equation?
look him in the "i"s

75. What dog sled race is run by mathematicians every year?
The i didarod

76. What triathalon is run by math geeks?
the i ron man

77. How do math geeks in the modern age communicate?
with e mail

78. What is the favorite food of a math geek?

79. What do math geeks try to avoid stepping in?
cow "pi"s

80. why is there so much n-imosity (animosity) in math?

81. What is the only question a math geek cannot answer?

82. How does a math geek leave?
Through the x it (where distance inside room equals 0)

83. How did Noah determine how long his boat was?
He calculated the arc length

84. What U.S. has the largest perimeter?
arc-kansas (arkansas)

85. who came across the west in round covered wagons?
The pi-oneers

86. What happened when the mathematician was suddenly engulfed in his
own matrix?
He became in-determinant

87. Why couldn't the mathematician solve the matrix equation?
he was having an identity crisis

88. What is the solution to a salt lake soccer game?
All REal numbers

89. Why couldn't the mathematician solve the equation for t?
He had no time

90. What happens when you give a tetrahedron fiber?
you get a regular polygon

91. How do you sell things to a mathematician?
with ad-vertices-ments (advertisments)

92. what do math geeks call a tornado?
a vertex (vortex)

93. Why was the one dimensional geometer so tense?
He was on edge

94. Why was the geometer unable to solve the 0 sided polygon?
He couldn't face it

95. What do geometers and optimists have in common?
They both put a good face on things

96. What did the geometric gardener do?
He face planted?

97. What do you call a mathematical laxative?
Parellelax (Paralax)

98.Why did the volleyball slow down?
It ran into a net force

99. Why was the scubadiver so uptight?
he was under pressure

100. What happened to the marriage of the statistical hypothesis?
It was a-null-ed

And now for the funniest joke of all time, the joke from which you can
derive an infinite number of punchlines and anything else you want to
from it, the joke that will garanteed make anyone who knows any math

101. 1/0

No comments: