This was originally a Christmas gift for my friends at Steiner. Some are fairly esoteric, but if you get them Enjoy! (Incidently this was largely the set that inspired me to go on my punning rampage.)
707 Assortid Scout Camp Puns!
101 Aquatics
1. Q: What do you call blood- sucking aquanauts?
A: Aqua-ticks
2. Q: What is an aquatic staffers favorite dog?
A: A Dock-sen
3. Q: Why is the ocean always leaving?
A: It always waves
4. Q: How does an aquatics staffer agree?
A: "Shore Thing"
5. Q: What happens when an aquatics staffer gets in a fight?
A: It's a Row
6. Q: How does the aquatics director ask for something?
A: Canoe do this?
7. Q: If scouts do not check themselves out of aquatics, what does the
board with the tags become?
A: A body board
8. Q: What do you call a pool in the middle of a common grassy area?
A: An a-quad-ics center
9. Q: What is the favorite bar game of the aquatics staff?
A: Pool
10. Q: If the camp director bought a very cheap boat, what would it be?
A: A sale boat
11. Where in Africa can you buy ships?
A: In Boatswana
12. How do you pacify an angry aquatics staffer?
A: You P-lake-ate him
13. What do you get if cross an aquatics staffer with the pioneering guy?
A: an aqua-knot
14. What do you call 5,280 feet of wet rope?
A: a knot-ical mile
15. What do waves eat out of?
A: troughs
16. How does a wave approve?
A: "Isn't it swell"
17. Why shouldn't you trust a beach?
A: Because He shouldn't ever be taken too littorally
18. What do you call oceanic espionage?
A: an Ekmann Spyral
19. Why do oceanographers read the newspaper?
A: To stay up on current events
20. What do you call bread that is a famous French oceanographer?
A: Jacques Crust-eau
21. What do Jacques Picard and a two year old have in common?
A: They both like bath-escapes
22. What do a forest and the bottom of the sea have in common?
A: Both are were the tree est (The submersible Trieste was the only
vessel ever to visit the Mariana's Trench)
23. What do oceanographers put on spaghetti?
A: Mariana sauce
24. What does a sturdy dock and a German scientist have in common?
A: Both involve Planck's constant
25. What marine body part lies between the 0-toe and the O-knee?
A: The O-shin (ocean)
26. What do you call a hard working aquanaut?
A: E-fish-ient (efficient)
27. Where do fish get their education?
A: In schools
28. Where do you go to write an oceanic play?
A: Scripts
29. When it rained for 40 days and 40 nights where did the oceanographer go?
A. NOAA
30. Why is a fisherman like a football player?
A: They both deal with tackles
31. What do you say when you understand the chemical formula of water?
H2- OH !!
32. If the aquatics staff does not get along what is it called?
A: Surface Tension
33. What do you call a finicky aquatics staffer?
A: Specific eat
34. What are cattle shells made of?
A: Cow-sium Carbonate
35. How do oceanographers clean their clothes?
A. With tide
36. How do you fix a leak in the bottom of a boat?
A: Hullistically
37. If you shoot the bottom of a boat what does it have?
A: Bullet Hulls
38. How do sea captains gamble?
A: They play Texas Hull-dem
39. How do waves brush their teeth?
A: They use Crest
40. If you throw a black hat into the red sea, then immediately dip it
in the yellow sea what have you got?
A: A wet hat
41. What is the enlistment of deep boats called?
A: The draft
42. What do aquatics staffers sleep upon?
A: a sleeping pad-dle
43. What does an indecisive aquatics staffer say?
A: Either oar
44. How does an aquatics staffer make a root beer float?
A: With a floatation device
45. How does an aquatics staffer make a kitchen sink?
A: With a really big anchor
46. Why did the aquatics staffer punch someone?
A: It was a fit of anchor
47. What does a newspaper reporter and an aquatics staff have in common?
They are both anchormen
48. If an aquatics staff puts a PFD on backwards, what do you get?
A: a DFP
49. If all the world's aquatics rescue devices suddenly get sick,
what is it?
A: a pole-emic
50. At 6:30 in the morning what do vaulters do?
The Pole-er bear
51. How do they pay aquatics staffers?
A: In swim checks
52. What do you call the aquatics staff of Slovakia?
A: Swim Czechs
53. How do you listen in the water?
A: With swimears
54. What do you call a diversionary attack on a lake?
A: a Waterfront
55. What do you get if you toss a Slovak in Steiner Lake?
A: a cold Czech
56. What do you call the art of balancing a canoe with guns?
A: Ballastics
57. What do you call someone dancing to keep a canoe upright?
A: A ballastarina
58. After a long day of teaching how to unsubmerge a boat, what have
the aquatics become?
A: Swamp Things
59. What do you call an arrangement of scouts?
A: Tan lines
60. What does an aquatics staff watch movies on?
A: a sunscreen
61. How does the aquatics staff dress for an important meeting?
A: In swim suits
62. If an aquatics staff depicts a pioneering guy, what have they become?
A: draw strings
63. What does an aquatics staffer eat?
A: Sand-wiches
64. If a seagull flies over a bay, what does it become?
A bagel
65. Who does an aquatics staffer date?
A: any gull of his choice
66. If an aquatics staffer throws a party, what is it?
A: a beach ball
67. If an aquatics staffer is too tired to save someone, what is it?
A rest-cue
68. What does an Aquatics staffer drive?
A: A Car-diopulmonary Resuscitation
69. What does an elementary school aged aquatics staffer get?
A: resus (resuscitation/recess)
70. What is an aquatics staffers favorite type of candy?
A: Resus Pieces
71. Word: CPR dummy
Definition: A kid who after 12 tries still can't pass first aide
72. If after sinking canoes an aquatics staffer decides to wear shades
and a leather jacket with his hat backwards what has he become?
A: a swamp cooler
73. If a drowned swimmer were holding a Black and Decker bit, what
would it be?
A: a lost bather drill
74. IF you scoop material from the bottom of the lake and use it to
make a device for driving nails what would it be?
A: a Sludge hammer
75. What does Shakespeare's play Othello have in common with a dock?
A: They both deal with moors
76. How does an aquanaut bid you good night?
A: I'll see you in the moor-ning
77. How do aquanauts take orders?
A: with their waders (waiters)
78. How does an elephant go swimming?
In his swim trunks
79. What do you call a bright sign underwater?
A: Hypolim-neon
80. What does water do when its cat is petted
A: It purr-colates
81. What dance does water from a spigot do?
A: Tap dance
82. What do aquatics animal rights protestors abhor?
A: The wearing of aquafurs
83. What does playing with a pet and swimming have in common?
A: Both involve a lot of strokes
84. How do male insects float?
A: via Boy-ant-cy (as opposed to girl-ant-cy)
85. What do you call a transvestite stream that often dries out?
A: efemeral
86. What type of flowers do streams grow?
A: perennials
87. How do fish kiss?
A: Neck-ton-to-Neck-ton
88. What dangerous malady and aquatic drivers get?
A: Whip splash
89. What do lepidopterists and power swimmers have in common?
A: Both are after butterflies
90. What do you call a famous swimmer comic character?
A: Splash Gordon
91. What do you call waves subjected to the feudal system?
A: Surfs
92. What grade did the ocean get in school?
A: seas
93. Why was the ocean in civil court?
A: someone Tsue-namied
94. What do you call a wet crouch?
A: A- squat-ics
95. If you take and dunk a double vowel in water, what is it?
A: a dipped thong
96. IF an aquanaut wishes to rejoice what does he/she say?
A: Halyard leuia
97. What are the wizards that lurk among boats called?
A: w-oarlocks
98. What do you call a person who deals with boats?
A: A sails-men
99. What does an aquatics staffer get when he/she turns 16?
A: His/her divers license
100. What does an aquatics staffer do while sleeping?
A: He Snore-kels
101. What are my jokes?
A: All washed out
101 Outdoor Skills/Scout Craft jokes
1. If someone lashes 3.14159265353, what is it?
A Pi-oneering project
2. Why are the scout craft staff good listeners?
They teach pion-ear-ing
3. How do you get to Asia?
Ask the Orient-eering instructor
4. How does a scout crafter get scolded?
With a tongue lashing
5. What does a scout crafter build for his mother in woodshop?
A splice rack
6. Why are outdoor skill people always getting in trouble?
Because they are knotty
7. What geologic epoch are most outdoor skills from?
The Splicetocene
8. Why are pioneering instructors so dejected?
Because they are knot God
9. What pioneering instructors do in a fight?
They spar
10. When pioneering instructors get married what do they become?
Hitched (they tied the knot)
11. What is a pioneering instructors favorite book?
The Hitch-hikers guide to the Galaxy
12. What is a good quality for an orienteering instructor?
Being compass-ionate
13. If Wade* comes out of his area what is it?
Emergent-cy prep.
*Don't feel bad if you don't get these and some of the others that
follow, it just means you weren't at Camp Steiner in 2005.
14. If the person who teaches the overnighters is knighted, what is that?
Wilderness Sir-vival
15. There is a haunted lake in Scotland that is taught by Calvin,
what is it?
Loch Wilder-Ness
16. To find something on a compass where should you look?
In the Index bearing
17. What is the motto of a Greek pioneering guy?
Knotty Sauton
Knotty Sauton is a pun on the transliteration of a Greek phrase gnotti
sauton it means "know thy self"
18. Alexander the Great played a musical instrument, what was it?
The accordion knot
19. What is another important trait for orienteering?
A magnetic personality
20. In a race between two pioneering instructors, who won?
No one, they tied
21. What is the favorite salsa of the orienteering instructor?
Pace
22. Why is the orienteering guy so good-natured?
He takes it all in stride
23. The 3rd leader, among whom Falling Rocks was lost, took
orienteering. Who was he?
Stride the Pony, Stride the Pony*
*Another one of those jokes you will only get if you were at Steiner,
suffice it to say that it was a scout camp skit
24. In a race where does the pioneering always finish?
Lashed but not leashed
25. Who at scout camp has the best time?
The pioneering guy, he's having the twine of his life.
26. Which area plays the best music?
Pioneering, they have all the chords
27. How does scout craft cook?
On an Outdoor skill-et
28. When lost what is the first thing you should look for?
A S.T.O.P. sign
29. What do you call a skinny wilderness survival guy?
A lean to
30. What does the wilderness survival guy use to clean his teeth?
A tooth brush (brush as in the woods)
31. Why is camping so hard?
It's intense (in tents)
32 How do you find animals in a forest?
Take orient-deer-ing
33. How does an emergency preparedness instructor clean house?
With an e-vacuum-ation plan
34. After a long day of being prepared what must Wade due to earn his badge?
Send a massage
35. If someone sends two messages in dots and dashes, what is it?
Re-Morse
36. What is four divided by two?
Semaphore (semi-four = 2)
37. If Rob's not in where is he?
OA (away)
38. What/ who does Rob love?
Sarah Monies (ceremonies)
39. Which card game is Rob good at?
Bridge
40. If Jeremy takes up magic what has he become?
Roo-dini
41. If Mr. Wendelboe takes up electro Chemistry what has he become?
A Calvanic cell
42. If the wilderness survival founds a religion, what is it?
Calvanism
43. What is the motto of pioneering?
Bend there, lashed that
44. What do the pioneering guy, the fishing guy, and a football player
have in common?
They all deal with tackles
45. What does the wilderness survival guy live?
A sheltered life
46. What is so good about the orienteering guy?
He has a direction in life
47. What is one problem with the orienteering guy?
He can be over bearing
48. In Australia what do they call a compass direction
An Auzi-muth
49. Whenever you go out always take Mr. Holly;
This known as the Buddy System (Buddy Holly was a famous musician).
50. What martial arts does Roo take?
Tied chi
51. What do you call an annoying pioneering guy (knot you Roo)?
Ob Knot sious
52. How is pioneering like archery?
Both involve bowlines
53. Which pioneering guy lead the Reign of Terror?
Maximillian Ropes-pierre
54. When Rob walks does he sash-ey?
55. What do we not stand for in Order of the Arrow?
Sash or lip
56. In Wade's class, why do you deal with unripe fruit?
Because it is emergency pre-pear-edness
57. Wade is an emergency preppy
58. What disaster organization is always looking angry?
The Red Cross
59. If a daredevil earned 21 badges and did a very large service
project, what would he be called?
Eagle Kenevil (?)
60. How are emergency preparedness and first aide like the rack?
All involve stretchers
61. What does the pioneering guy hope to get when he goes fishing?
Bights
62. What does an angry pioneering guy say?
Bight me
63. What do you call a crazy pioneering instructor?
Loopy
64. Where do many pioneering guys live?
Manila
65. What is a pioneering guys favorite flavor of ice cream?
Manila
66. Which rope master was forever condemned to a push a rock uphill?
Sisal-phus
67. What is an outdoor skills favorite nursery rhyme?
Hemp-ty Dumpty
68. What is the favorite British girl band of outdoor skills?
The Splice Girls
69. Why did the pioneering instructor tie 7 knots in one week?
He was trying to do a good turn daily
70. What do shooting sports and pioneering having in common?
Recoil
71. When on the ocean what does Wade teach?
Emergen-sea preparedness
72. How is emergency preparedness like a basketball player?
They both used the backboards
73. How is a map like a fish?
They both have scales
74. How do orienteering guys catch fish?
With a mag-net
75. What do orienteering guys find attractive?
Magnets
76. As a sea scout what is Wade?
A Boot-suns mate
77. What is a half hitch?
A hi-
78. What is the favorite cartoon of a flag?
Wallace and Grommet
79. Do you need glasses to fix a bad eye splice???
80. If someone is really quick at lashing, what are they?
A frap-artist
81. How does Roo give a gift?
Covered in wrapping paper
82. What did Rob do when asked to give compass directions?
He declined
83. What are the redwood planks in orienteering used for?
Deck-linations
84. What is the holding of a chart company called?
The siege of Map-a-King
85. What do pioneering guys listen to?
A jute box
86. If a pioneering guy plays hard to get, what is he doing?
Being coil
87. What do you call a fish made out of rope?
Coy-l
88. What is the opposite of the standing end of a rope?
The sitting end of a rope
89. If someone gets in pioneering, what is it?
A flogging
90. What do you call gangster armies in South Africa?
Mafia King
91. What do you call the siege of the British by Sesame Street?
The siege of Muppet king
92. What is a pioneering guys favorite movie?
Splice-ablanca
93. If outdoor skills rip paper, what is it?
Orien-tearing
94. Why would outdoor skills make good cations?
They had a positive mental attitude?
95. In what track and field event do the 8 survival priorities compete?
The stay put (shot put)
96. Which outdoor skills merit badge should you be afraid of?
Wilderness Sur\\// I \\// al
97. What psychologist is famous in outdoor skills?
Signal Freud
98. Outdoor skills is knot cool!
99. Who do you see for coffee overdoses?
Wade, in emergency preparedness he teaches what to do with live wires
100. If you need a superhero costume, whom do you talk to?
Wade, he teaches es-cape plans
101. After 101 of my outdoor skills jokes, how many brain cells do you
have left?
Knot one
Bonus joke:
(101b. How do pioneering guys knit?
Knot one, pearl two)
101 Shooting Sports Jokes
1. What type of joke does an archery director tell?
Nock, Nock jokes
2. Why does shooting sports have so much fun?
They are always having a blast
3. Why is rifle such a hard class?
Because it is boring
4. Is Tom the BB King?
5. Do clay pigeons poop?
6. When Big Al gets into a truck what does he call?
Shotgun!
7. Hypothetically, if there were a really ugly shotgun instructor,
would the boys RECOIL from him?
8. Where do the shooting sports guys shop?
Target
9. Beware, on the archery range you might get shafted
10. The thing I like about rabbit hunting arrows is that they get
right to the point, e.g. they are blunt
11. On the archery range Myranda is very string-ent
12. What do cooks and shooting sports have in common?
Both are in charge of the ranges
13. If a shooting sports person is FIRED, what is he?
Deranged
14. What do shooting sports do when surrounded?
They bolt
15. What shooting sports equipment is needed in New Jersey?
A dead BOLT
16. What happens if you shoot a cow?
It has Bull-et holes (It might also go Bullistic)
17. What happened when the shooting sports director went crazy?
He went bullet-stic
18. Why are shooting sports so interesting?
Every day is ex-sight-ing
19. If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot 'em?
20. In a race, where do shooting sports end up?
Blast, but not least
21. Where do you buy blanks to make guns?
In a stock market
22. What do you call shooting sports at diner?
Muzzle loaders
23. What school do shooting sports guys go to?
Primer-y
24. What do shooting sports guys read?
Magazines
25. Why was the shooter walking around in a tank top
He was exercising his right to bear arms (if it was during war, he
might simply be showing off his armies)
26. What is the favorite track and field event of shooting sports?
The shot put
27. Why are shooting sports like a pansy?
They both have pistils
28. What is the embryonic stage of a future shooting sports director called?
A Blastula
29. What African tribe makes good shooting sports directors?
U-bang-ee
30. How fast do shooters walk?
At a good clip
31. What is a shooter's favorite toy?
Merry-go-rounds
32. What do cattle shoot?
A-mooo-nition
33. What do shooting sports call really, really, really small glasses
of tequila?
5 shots on a quarter
34. What do shooting sports and NASA have in common?
They both have blasts off
35. What do shooters chew?
Shot gum
36. If the archery director were cheating on someone, what would she
be called (Not you Giggles)?
Fletcherous
37. What do Roman aqueducts have in common with Giggles?
Both are skilled at arch-ery
38. Which star is Giggles most like?
Archernar (archer)
39. What does an archer wear for a formal occasion?
A bow tie
40. How is archery like pioneering?
Both involve bowlines
41. What types of experiences frighten archers?
'arrowing ones
42. What do archers do when they are afraid?
They quiver
43. Why are archers never thirsty?
They have TABS on their fingers
44. What is an equal sign in archery?
It shows that something is e-quiver-lent
45. Why was the shotgun director unable to breath?
He choked
46. What is a battle with shotguns called?
An en-gage-ment
47. What grades did the shotgun director get in school?
BBs
48. Why can't you win if someone throws a gun at you?
It's a catch 22
49. If you hit Mr. Ellis, what is it?
A ram-Rob
50. What do shooting sports eat with?
A musket (mess kit)
51. If something were important, what would a shooting sports instructor do?
He wouldn't miss it
52. When a boy completes archery merit badge, what does he do?
A bow jig
53. What do Roy Rodgers and shooting sports have in common?
They ride the Trigger
54. Word: Dry fire
Definition: What happened to East Fork in 2002
55. Word: Bull's eye
Definition: The only thing that won't be hit by scouts
56. Word: Shooting sports
Definition: Basketball
57. What is the leading cause of shotgun death?
Not realizing the situation was a trap
58. What pesters the guys most out on the shotgun range?
Mos-skeet-os (musket-oes)
59. Word: Scout Master Shoot
Definition: Run Scoutmaster Run!*
* You have to, of course, know that I am completely kidding
60. What do guns and a football team have in common?
They both have safeties
61. What is a lady's version of shooting sports?
Shop gun
62. If I throw a gun and it returns, what is it?
A BOOM-arang
63. Where do shooters keep their money?
In the Bang (bank)
64. What is a shooting sports favorite character in history?
Linoleum Blown-apart (Napoleon Bonaparte)
65. What is a shooting sports 2nd favorite history character?
Attila the Hun-ter
66. How is aquatics like shooting sports?
They both deal with gun walls
67. How is archer like aquatics?
They both deal with the Bow and are Stern
68. What is a venturing award for shooting sports directors?
The range-r
69. When the archer broke his arm, did he have a cast?*
*Cast being the distance a bow can shoot
70. Why did the archers have pencils?
So they could draw
71. What do grizzlies shoot?
A bear bow
72. What do you give a nice archer?
Tips
73. What do archers, doctors, and fishermen have in common?
They all deal with casts
74. What do you call it when an archer sticks and arrow in his ear?
A quiv-ear
75. If someone gets taken by police on the way to archery, what is it?
A cardiac arrest
76. Where do shooting sports guys keep their cups?
In their cup holsters
77. What do you load an origami gun with?
A paper clip
78. What do Germans and Shooting Sports have in common?
Both are marksmen
79. What do shooters sail on?
A marksmanship
80. What is the favorite fruit of a shot gunner
The chokecherry
81. Why is the end of a gun always sad?
Because they are the butt of so many jokes
82. Who are the members of an archery play?
The cast
83. What do you call a gun without scope?
Bad breath (Scope is a mouth wash)
84. What do you call an annoying shooter?
A pain in the brass
85. What game do shooters play?
Brass-ketball
86. Why are shooters like beachcombers?
Both collect shells
87. How do shooters get money from ATMs?
By using their shooting PIN
88. IF a gun talks back, is it giving you cheek??
89. What command precedes ACHOOO!!!?
Sneeze Fire
90. To find something in archery where do you look?
In the Index fletching
91. Why did the shooting sports staff point their guns at a bank vault?
Because rule # 1 states that they must always keep their guns pointed
in a SAFE direction
92. If someone en route to archery gets sick, what do you do?
Send them a Card-iac
93. What does a cellist and an archer have in common?
They both play with bows
94. How does an archer cut down a tree?
With a bow saw
95. If Roo went to the range what would he need?
Pioneer protection (eye and ear)
96. What part of shooting sports bites more than anything else?
The mosquitoes
97. What do you call a shotgun with the wrong end sawed off?
A gun with no butts about it
98. If you made the end of a gun out of tobacco what would it be?
A cigarette butt
99. What do you call an arctic dwelling mammal with a 9-foot long gun
attached to its forehead?
An NRA whale (narwhale)
100. What does a female shooting sports director wear?
A brass-ier
101. After reading 101 shooting sports jokes what type of bullet has
your head become?
A blank
Should I take a shot at a bonus joke???
101 Handicraft Jokes
1. What is the motto of leatherwork?
It's a good day to dye
2. Handicraft version of climbing:
"On Blade"
"Blade On"
"Carving"
"Carve On"
3. Why are the people in handicraft so devious?
Because they are crafty
4. What is another name for the woodcarving instructor?
A stop cut
5. What do you call a woodcarving instructor at 2 am?
A night Awl
6. What woodcarving tool do mice like?
A cheese-al
7. How is the basketry instructor like a librarian?
Both jobs deal with a lot of reeding
8. If the author of the book taught leatherwork, what would it be?
A Boom-doggle
9. Why would Kayla be a good English teacher?
She's already taught letterwork
10. What is the favorite game of leatherwork?
Hide and seek
11. Why is the leatherwork instructor so dark?
She goes tanning
12. Quotes from the leatherwork bible:
"Go and sinew no more"
13. If not taught well what is Native American study also known as?
Indian bore
14. What do you find in an Indian KYBO?
Teepee
15. What should the handicraft shelter's name be changed to?
Joe's Craft Shack
16. What does a woodcarving instructor use to cut fruit with?
A pearing knife
17. After a flood, why is life easy for the woodcarving instructor?
Because there are plenty of wet stones
18. What is the most powerful thing you can earn in wood carving?
The potent chip
19. What advancement is taught by Lays?
The toten Chip
20. What was the wood carver caught doing?
Shaving
21. How does a wood carver destroy a project?
With a 20 gauge sandpaper
22. Where do woodcarvers from Hollywood live?
Bevel-ly Hills
23. Which 1800s chemist was a whittling teacher?
George Washington Carver
24. IF a stick is whittled into a bird, what have you created?
A carved Turkey
25. If there is a painting of Chris's mom, what is it?
Whittler's Mother
26. If a hot dog company sponsors basketry, what is it?
An Oscar Meyer Weaver
27. Why are people in Handicraft so crazy?
They are all basket cases
28. What sport is played in Handicraft?
Basket-ball
29. What campsite is best at basketry?
Reeds Peak
30. What do you call a woven fish?
Bass-ketry
31. What are annoying scouts in basketry?
Twining little brats
32. How is a basket different from Adam Hall?
A basket is fully ribbed (sorry if this offends)
33. What is something a basketry frog might say?
Ribbed it
34. What is something else a basketry frog might do?
Soak (croak)
35. What do basketry knights wear?
Plaited mail
36. Why should you never give up in Indian Lore?
While life is, Hopi is
37. What is a book found in handicraft written by Dr. Seuss?
The Indian Lore-ax
38. If a scout breaks a basket in the trading post, what does he get?
A re-seat (receipt)
39. What pitch does a basket sing in?
A flat reed
40. Frank L. Baum wrote which book about basketry?
Wicker of Oz
41. What do you call someone who follows a religion made of a
five-pointed star made of reeds?
A Wicker (Wiccan)
42. Which person in the Wizard of Oz was crushed to death with a basket?
The Wicker Witch of the West
43. What was so good about Kayla's stamps?
They leave an impression
44. What must be earned before you can carve large poles meant to ward
off evil spirits?
The totem chip
45. Why are handicrafters like sunbathers?
They both like to bask
46. How does a carver signal a small amount?
"Just a whittle please"
47. How is skiing like whittling?
Both involve carving
48. How does Chris make a duplicate of something?
With a carven copy
49. What is the motto of woodcarving?
Carve Deum
50. How do carvers respond to an affirmative?
"Yes I wood"
51. Why is carving so fun?
Because you have the pine of your life
52. Why is leatherwork like French art?
Both are impressionistic
53. How is leatherwork like a philatelist?
They both collect stamps
54. If someone is run over by leatherwork tools, what was it?
A stamp pede
55. Where do leatherworkers get their hot dogs?
From Viener Snitzle
56. What music do carvers listen to?
Anything by Aaron coping blade (Aaron Copeland)(Viener waltzes)
57. What is an alternative motto for leatherwork?
Have fun, viener lose
58. How do carvers deal with stress?
They cope with it
59. If something is the wood carving teacher's fault, what should he say?
mea cope-a
60. What do you call an evil leather worker?
Mallet-ious
61. Which merit badge is taught in the showers?
Latherwork
62. Why is leatherwork like a used car lot?
Lots of impounds
63. How much does leatherwork weigh?
Pounds and pounds
64. How does a basketry person bid adieu?
They weave goodbye
65. How does a basketress tell someone to go away?
"Weave me alone!"
66. What do basketry people eat off of?
Paper plaiteds
67. If you mix nature and handicraft, what do you get?
A basket tree
68. How do things get done in woodcarving?
Whittle by whittle
69. How is the three-armed man like basketry?
Both are handy
70. If you make a boat from scissors, what is it?
A clipper ship
71. Who are the small wood carvers met by Gulliver?
The Whittle-putians
72. If a carver's husband dies, is she a whittle??
73. What is night in the basketry area called?
Twill-light
74. What is the favorite bird among weavers?
The Whippor Twill
75. What do you clip onto a basket
Cara vieners
76. How does one get a pineapple onto a knife sheath?
With a fruit punch
77. What is leatherwork called when it is smelly?
Punch-ant
78. What is a famous puppet show in leatherwork?
Punch and Judy
79. What is a whittler's favorite chemical element?
Carven
80. What is it called when leatherwork works well?
Fob-ulous
81. Who is a famous leatherwork rap artist?
MC Hammer
82. What do you call a 1980s leatherwork hairdo?
A mallet
83. Why is leatherwork the best badge?
It is to dye for
84. What is an example of famous ancient leatherwork mythology?
Aeneas and Dye-do
85. Who is the Greek goddess of leather?
Dye-ana
86. How do leatherworkers talk?
From their Dye-aphram
87. What do you call a see through piece of leather?
Dye-aphonous
88. What do you call a cow that has been dyed?
A Hol-stain
89.Did you know Plato worked in leatherwork, he after all, wrote the
dye-alectic.
90.What is it called when the basketry lady is sad?
She is woe-ven
91. How do basketry people get around?
Wo-vans
92. How do basketry ghosts scare you?
With a Bam-Boo!
93. What do you call a basketry brown-noser?
A soak-up
94. What is another example of Biblical basketry?
Cane and Abel
95. What do you call a troublemaker in basketry?
A raiser of Cane
96. How is basketry like first aide?
Both deal with splints
97. Because we all know who REALLY runs basketry, what should that
area be renamed?
Hannah-craft
98. What is a musician in woodwork called?
A fluter
100. In fencing, which woodcarving tool is used?
The main gauge
101. How are you, after reading 101 of my Handicraft puns, like the
woodcarving blades at the end of the season?
You both have been dulled
101 Nature Jokes
1. In which area do you study small bugs?
Gnat-ure
2. In 1844 a quiet fell over the land, what happened?
An Awkward silence
3. Word: Winging it
Definition: No script in bird study
4. Where do weather people shop?
Cirrus Roebuck
5. Why did the tent covering have hooks in it?
Someone went fly-fishing
6. How do Nature Geeks send secret messages?
With an Outdoor Code
7. Why is littering artist bad?
He is not "leaving no TRACE"
8. Which merit badge involves catching really small insects?
Fly fishing (catching those flies is really difficult)
9. Why were the nature staff playing with their zippers?
They were fly-fishing
10. How is fishing like going to the movies?
They both involve reels
11. What do you call a mass transit for meteorologists?
A nim-bus
12. What is the favorite book among meteorologists?
Mrs. Frisby and the rats of Nimbus
13. What do you call a stupid meteorologist?
A nimbus-ile (imbecile)
14. Why is meteorology such a hard job?
There is so much pressure?
15. What do you call a false meteorologist?
Someone putting on a front
16. What is the theme song for a meteorologist?
HAIL to the chief
17. What do weathermen ride?
Bicyclones
18. Who is a meteorologist's mother's sister?
An auntie cyclone
19. Why are fly-fisherman like parades?
Both involve streamers
20. What happened to the fishermen when he broke his arm?
He was in a cast
21. What is the favorite dance of a fisher?
The jig
22. What are a fish's parents called?
Poppers and mummers
23. What government agency is in charge of both trout and monopoly?
The department of fish and game
24. Why was the 200-legged sea creature the mascot of Leave No Trace?
He was always 200 feet from water
25. What do Leave No Trace (LNT) cattle camp and travel on?
Dura-bull surfaces
26. Why did the LNT blonde whack someone with a skillet?
She was told she needed to pan a head
27. Why is geology so cool?
It just rocks
28. What do you say to a rude geologist?
Be gneiss
29. Is it important to remember everything a geologist says?
As long as you get the schist of what they say
30. What do you call a rock made up of layers of young horses?
Foal-iated
31. If Las Vegas began to tilt, what would it be?
A sin-cline
32. Who is a geologist's favorite singer?
Patsyncline (Patsy Cline)
33. Who is a geologist's favorite relative?
His Auntie Cline
34. When in a geologist sports player safe?
When he's standing on first basin
35. What do you call a favorite geologist?
A rock star
36. If you want to know the future of birds, whom do you talk to?
The Auricle
37. What do you call secret government bird studies?
Culvert operations
38. What do you call a trickster leading a tour of birds?
Con-tour feathers
39. If a bird has a risqué piercing, what did it get?
An eye ring
40. What bird steals from banks?
A robin
41. What do ornithologists (scientists who study birds) and German car
enthusiasts have in common?
Both are members of the Audubon society
42. If nature were combined with the "UN" patrol, what would you get?
Fish and Wild Life management
43. How do government agencies freshen their breath?
With a Fish and Wildlife Manage-mint
44. How do government agencies grow old?
With a fish and wildlife man-age-ment
45. What do you call a giddy fisherman?
Someone who is reely happy
46. What do you call a fisherman who stores his gear in a bank vault?
A pole vault-er
47. What do you call a fisherman doing a cannon ball?
A butt grip
48. How do you reach a fly line high in the air?
You tippet
49. Who does a fisherman buy a house from?
A reel tor
50. What does a stage technician have in common with a fisherman?
Both deal with grips
51. What type of toys do fishers play with?
Bobber head dolls
52. Which fisherman led the Golden Horde?
Flotilla the Hun
53. Which fisherman terrorized Tokyo?
Flotilla
54. What does a geologist call the lights on a pub?
Ig-neon rocks
55. What merit badge do horses often earn?
Neigh-ture
56. What happens when a geologist runs into an enemy he must defeat?
He must slate (slay it)
57. What was the time period called that did not have any sugar products?
Pre-candian (Precambrian)
58. We know about meteorological fronts, but what happened to their backs??
59. Who is Capitol Hill's oldest meteorologist?
Storm Thurmond
60. How far can a weather girl jump?
1 thermo-METER
61. Why has the bird show queen won show after show?
Because she is very talon-ted
62. How does JJ get so much done?
He is very e-fish-ent
63. Why do anglers like Irish music?
Both deal with reels and jigs
64. What does a fisher call a geometer?
An angler
65. If I recite 3.1415925353… to my students, what am I teaching them?
Pi-ernmental science
66. What is the study of canyon sounds called?
Echo-ology or the study of Echo systems
67. What do ecologically friendly bovines practice?
E-cow-logy and con-steer-vation
68. If you fill a forest with formaldehyde, what do you get?
Preservation
69. If chemists deal with anions and cations, what do environmental
scientists deal with?
Conservations and Preservations
70. What does the sign on a nuclear power plant technician's office say?
Gone fission
71. What did the physicist call his fish restaurant?
Fission chips
72. What do anglers win?
A trout-phy
73. What do fishermen cut wood with?
A trouter saw
74. Why is there a lack of trust in fishing?
Because fishing tout is a cutthroat business
75. What is a famous Persian story dealing with fish?
Gill-gamesh
76. Who is a very wealthy fish?
Gill Baits
77. What disease can you get from a fish?
Salmon ella
78. Who is the favorite 80s rocker for an angler?
ROD Stewart
79. If a geologist goes to Germany, instead of leotards, would he wear
aquitards??
80. Why is soil and water such a popular merit badge?
Because you get to learn to talk dirty?
81.Why do kids like the environmental science recycling lesson so much?
Because they get to talk trash
82. What do you call a lazy rock?
Sedentary
83. Why is Isaac like the devil?
Because he will have your soil
84. What is a mistake on a map called?
A typo-graphic
85. What does a soil scientist call a barn?
A water shed
86. What is a good gift for a soil scientist?
A silt neck tie (silk)
87. How are hydrologists usually feeling?
Well
88.What beast of burden is often used to haul water?
A Dihydrogen mon-OX-ide
89. How did the soil scientist pay for school?
With student loams
90. Who the soil scientist ROOTing for during American Idol?
CLAY Aiken
91. What do you call the moving of particles in Greek mythology?
Hero-sion
92. Why did the nature geek tear up plants?
He was rooted in his beliefs
93. Why did environmental science guy paint his habitat chartreuse?
He was demonstrating the GREEN house effect
94. What does Kristen call a heavy load?
A birden
95. How does Kristen hint at something?
Hint Hint Wing Wing
96. How does the bird version of King Henry start?
It was the WING ter of our discontent
97. How do you weigh a fish?
On a scale
98. What are stories about fish called?
Tails
99. Have you heard of the new sunny day day passes?
They are apparently weather permit ing
100. How do fishermen like their food?
All nat-reel
101. I couldn't think of another bird joke, so I'll just WING it
101 High Adventure Jokes
1. What do you call someone dancing on high adventure?
A BELAY dancer
2. What else might you call a dancing high adventurer?
A BELAYrina
3. If a climber is late, what is she?
BELAY ted
4. How does a high adventure director deal with stress?
They COPE with it
5. What is the motto of an angry climber?
Bight me
6. How are the Spanish like climbers?
They both deal with pieces of eight
7. What is the favorite skit for a climber?
QUICKDRAW McGraw
8. How is a football center like high adventure?
They both deal with HIKES
9. What do climbers read?
Cliff Notes
10. If an insect drops off a cliff, what is it?
Bug repel-ant
11. What do you call a longwinded hiker?
Someone who TRAILS off
12. What do you call someone who studies bacteria along a trail?
A pathologist
13. Why are the high adventure staff like etymologists
They both deal with walking sticks
14. Where do climbers take classes?
At the D-ATC
15. What is another name for a climber?
A wall flower
16. Why is climbing so cool?
It just rocks
17. What game do climbers play?
PEAK a-Boo!
18. What is a climbing note you might find before Christmas?
No PEAKing
19. When frustrated what does a climber exclaim?
Sheath (Sheesh)
20. What is the alternative motto for a climber?
Beaner there done that
21. What do you call a concerned metal clip?
A CARE- abeaner
22. What do climbers eat?
Beaners and cheese
23. The climber sat atop Paul's Peak wondering when the sun would come up.
Then it dawned on him
24. Why did he want to go climbing?
His interest was PEAKed
25. How are climbers like Camp Steiner?
They both have water KNOT!!
26. Why are cliff climbers so intense?
They are in your face (rock face)
27. How are cattle able to climb?
With their hornesses (harnesses)
28. How do Austrian climbers consume food?
With a Swiss eat (Swiss seat)
28b. Why are climbers consuming twice the medication of everyone else?
Because they often go re-pill-ing
29. How is it climbers can make it look like no one took an orange?
They are good at re-peal-ing (same with lawyers)
30. If a 90-year-old scoutmaster attempts Steiner's outbound program,
what is he?
An Old HACK
31. How do climbers cancel a command?
Belay the order
32. How much do climbers make?
Only ascent
33. What do climbers say when climbing nude?
Don't look I'm not descent
34. What is the favorite book of climbers?
CLIFFord the Big Red Dog
35. When drinking on a mountain, what should you always do?
Always keep three PINTs of contact
36. If a climber does not like a law, what should he/she do?
Petition to have it repelled
37. If a cliff were discovered by the compatriot of Ernie, what would
it be called?
A BURTical drop
38. What do you call a high adventure staffer who tells fibs?
A c-lie-mber
39. Which climber led the French Reign of Terror?
Maximillian Ropes Pierre
40. What do you call a climber who uses a steel centered rope?
Hard Core
41. What is a high adventurer willing to risk?
Cliff or climb (life or limb)
42. What do you call all possible combination of climbers?
Climbinatorics
43. Why is a stick presented by High Adventure?
They are, after all, the climbing STAFF
44. How high is high adventure?
10,400 feet
45. What lake in Scotland is a favorite among high adventure?
Harn Ness
46. When a climber falls what happened?
He eight it
47. Why is it so difficult to get a climber to do anything on flat land?
They just aren't inclined
48. How are climbers like sailors?
They both use anchors
49. What do you get if you put a CAT in a blender?
An ATC
50. What are the favorite gems of climbers?
ROPEals (opals)
51. What does climbing call the 12 days before Christmas?
High Advent-ure
52. What is a cooling duct to a climber?
High ad-vent-ure
53. Why is high adventure bad?
Because they are knotty
54. What is another name for a hike?
A boot trip
55. What does the sign on a hikers office read?
Out in a Boot
56. What do you call an illegal hiker?
A boot legger
57. What do you call a backpacking rodent?
A pack rat
58. Why are climbers such good artists?
They are good at the quickdraw
59. Who is the father to a puddy cat?
A cat's paw
60. How do climbers improve their vision?
With three point contacts
61. How is a foul behind the line in basketball like climbing?
Both are 3-point contacts
62. Who would enjoy climbing the most?
All boys and coils
63. If a climber were responsible for the Exxon Valdez, what would it be?
A coil spill
64. What do you call a climber's unmentionables?
Ascendaries
65. How is climbing like an old time song about optimism?
They both want to ascent-uate the positive
66. Why are climbers like soil scientists, and like coffee makers?
They all go to ground school
67. What is a scout camp song sung by climbers?
Ground school ground school brushy brushy trail
68. Why is Robin Hood the favorite book of climbers?
It takes place in KNOTting Ham
69. Why is repelling despicable?
Because it requires lowering yourself to new lows
70. Why is climbing good for your self-esteem?
It requires raising yourself up
71. What do you call a REALLY strong belay for scouts?
Raising kids (or a wedgee)
72. What do you call a belier who refuses to let you down?
A hangman
73. What do you do when you have a lazy belier?
Just hang around
74. How are cranky beliers like unfinished suspense novels?
They both leave you hanging
75. How do climbing dogs find their owners?
By following decent
76. Why are mountaineers so good at high altitudes?
They are a-climb-itized
77. Why are mountaineers like weathermen?
Both deal with "climb it" (climate)
78. What is the favorite drink of a climber?
A climb ricky
79. What do mountaineers look into?
A climirror
80. What do you call a level 3 or 4 egg?
A scramble
81. Why do climbers who don't stretch NOT need rope?
They carry their knots in their muscles
82. What type of poetry does high adventure write?
Hike-u (Haiku)
83. If no one does Steiner's dawn hike, what is it?
A-Paul-ing
84. What do hikers and the preview for movies have in common?
They are both trail-ers
85. What call lets you know a hiker is good to go?
Tread-y
(85b. If you mix Wall Street and a hiker, what do you get?
A stock tread-er)
86. What do you call a hiker looking for a lost boot?
Sole searching
87. Why is a cobbler like a priest?
They each save your soles
88. What is the only lace a climber will deal with?
A bootlace
89. What does a climber get at a dance?
A boot-onniére
90. What is another name for a pair of high-topped boots?
A support group
91. Much of what you do at Philmont is hike, if this were the case,
what would you call it?
Boot camp
92. What is a simple game hikers play?
Big Boot-y
93. When climbers are scared of a wall, what do they do?
They bolt
94. What book did Lloyd Alexander write, that deals with travel by foot?
The hiking (High King)
95. If boys aren't quite completing requirements while on a shale
field, what should you do?
Let 'em slide
96. After the second day, attendance at repelling really dropped off
97. What do you call a repelling wall?
A drop off point
98. If someone gets a cast while repelling, what is it?
An arm brake
99. What immovable loop do you put around a cow?
A bull line
100. Which cartoon characters are best at climbing?
Rocky and Bolderwinkle
(100b. What do you call the climbing horse of Don Quixote?
Rocks-inate)
101. How are 101 of my climbing jokes like a bad belier?
In both your IQ was dropped
101 P-UN Patrol Jokes
1. If Ben, Mellissa, Spence, Jordan, etc were to proselytize, what
would they be?
Commissionaries
2. If Sage and Kaitlin keep track of patents, what is their paperwork
then called?
Invent-ories
3. If I tell a joke about candy, and only a few people laugh, what did
the joke get?
Snickers
4. Why is the trading post like a spice rack?
It has Sage
5. Why is the unpatrol like Hollywood?
Everyone there is a director
6. Who is the UNpatrol's secret superhero?
The KPed avenger
7. What martial arts are commissioners versed in?
KY BO
8. What do you call an evil spirit hunting a campsite?
A troop fiend
9. What math operation do you do in a cabin?
LOGarithms
10. Why are commissioners like the reds?
They are both commis
11. If Ben is the head commissioner, who are the arms, legs, and torso
commissioners??
12. Is Ben paid on a commission??
13. If the program director's cabin floods, what is it?
Lake Powell
14. What is it called when all five campsites under a commissioner
are cranky?
ComMission Impossible
15. If the trading post stretches the truth what have they?
Supp Lies
16. Why can't you quite trust the trading post staff?
They might be traders
17. If an Un Patrol were to become a legend, would he/she be an Un
sung hero??
18. What might be another name for Christie's position?
UNder Water
19. If JR were to suddenly get really strong, what would it be?
A Powell surge (power surge)
20. The number of JR's wife that an area can hold is what?
A Carrie ing capacity
21. Phrase: One vegetable per hour?
Definition: My hourly celery
22. How are the 15th and 30th of every month like a hokey game?
There are lots of checks given out
23. If we were from Slovakia would we receive pay Czechs??
24. Are the aquatics staff paid in swim checks??
25. Since I am the Nature Director, am I paid in "Tree Checks!" ??
26. Which medieval ruling family was a health officer?
The Medic is
27. How does a health officer take a break?
With some RN r
28. We are the Un Patrol, does that mean when we get in trouble we get
Unishment??
29. What do you call it when the Un Patrol is locked up?
The Unitentary
30. What do my jokes smell like?
They are Un gent
31. What do you call a Secret Un Patrol Spy?
Secret Ungent man
32. What must we make certain of our shoes?
They must be Untied
33. When The Bell rings, and we don't have time to tie our shoes, what
must we do?
Untied we stand
34. Why do the directors and commissioners have to know so much?
Because we need to UN derstand
35. Why must the commissioners and the directors set the example?
Because otherwise we will look UN professional
36. How much do the directors make?
I don't know, but we are UNder paid
37. What do you call a commissioner walking on his toes?
UN-guligrade
38. When the commissioners and directors are traveling down a
mountain, what are they?
Un descent
39. If my jokes continue, what will ensue?
UN demonium
40. Where can you often find the UN Patrol?
UNder the bed
41. How do things get done in the Unpatrol?
Only Through proper Managem-UN-t
42. How many letters are in "Candy"?
2 C and Y
43. How do you fit an elephant into the trading post?
You take the "F" out of way, wait, there is no "F" in way
(TREE CHECK!!)
44. How do you make candy from a boot?
You first extract the shoe-gar
45. What do you call a paper decorative covering shop?
The Trading Posters
46. Since we are in the woods, what are the camp directors
furnishing called?
Cabin-et tree
47. Where is the staff bowling Alley
At the Fire Bowl
48. What do you call a technologically literate masters of camp?
The commissioNERDS
49. If the directors had to do the work for the commis, what would we be?
The CommissUNers
50. What is the favorite garnishment of the directors and Commissioners?
The Union
51. Lately, Kelley and Clark have been fixing water, what are they?
Water Main Tenants
52. If Kelley and Clark darken in the sun, what are they?
Main Tan ence
53. If we had 8 more fix-it guys, what would it be?
Maintenance
54. If we hired fix-it bugs, what would it be?
MaintenANTS
55. If the thing Clark drives smoked, what would it be?
To Backhoe
56. Why was the Caterpillar given a Russian Name?
So maintenance could read IVANhoe
57. If Sage or Kaitlin go crazy what happened?
They went Trading Postal
58. There is a B movie about the trading post, what is it?
Babes in Boy land
59. Why are our documents in the trading post?
Because there they are posted
60. How do trading post girls cut things?
With cashSHEERS
61. What acronym do the trading post girls not like?
The TP girls
62. Why is the trading post so smart?
They have a high degree of Sage-acity
63. What do you call a group of marching unshowered boys?
RANK advancement
64. What documents are required to sign off the Jazz merit badge?
Blues cards
65. Friday is a day of Omens for blue cards, the signs are everywhere
66. How much does JR weigh?
One Pro-gram
67. Who is in charge of the KYBOs?
Ben, he is after all the HEAD commissioner
68. Why did the commissioners and directors take up fencing?
They wanted to practice their L-UN-ge
69. Where does a fencer take you?
Out to lunge
70. What would the UN Patrol be if they were pirates?
commissionAARRRS
71. Why are so many of my words illegible?
Because I am UN able to spell
72. What type of money is used at scout camp?
Anything is legal TENDERfoot
73. Why is "first class" the third class??
74. Why is Spencer like a drill sergeant?
He is in charge of BASIC training
75. Why does the aquatics director throw a bank vault into the
lake every week?
She is in charge of SAFE swim defense
76. Is Kristies's safe swim deFENCE a chain link or picket??
77. When our camp director grabs a bite to eat, what is it?
A dinning Hall
78. If we parked Betsy, Ivy and Bertha in a row, what would it be?
A pickup line
79. If Mr. Hall and JR's living arrangements were above 100 degrees,
what would it be?
A cabin Fever
80. If organized what are Kaitlin and Sage?
A Trade UNion
81. What is it call when our camp general store no longer exists?
Ips POST factum
82. Why did Clark put his monkey wrench in his front pocket?
He didn't want to wrench his back
83. What have you done if you kill 7 artic birds
You have done in a good tern daily
84. Why is so much able to get done by the directors and the commissioners?
We are UN top of things
(84b. Why are so many directors in skits?
Because we are Skit-sophrenic)
85. If a trading post girl took the blue cards and put them in her
pocket, and then went on a hike, what would she be?
A blues traveler
86. Why are merit badge signoffs so sad?
Because they are blue cards
87. On Friday, what is the first table in the dining hall covered in?
A pile of sheet (TREE CHECK!!)
88. How does a troop friend make their beds?
With role sheets
89. After Tenderfoot, do scouts become Second Class citizens??
90. Tenderfeet have no class
91. How do you sell something to a scout?
Through a rank AD vancement
92. We feel that the term "badge", because it has the word "bad" in it
is lowering boys self esteem, we have therefore changed the name to
merit goodge
93. How are the badges we offer like a province in Canada?
Both are Merit time
94. How is the kitchen staff like the discoverer of Fiji?
They are all Cooks (especially Leon, he is the Captain Cook)
95. How is kitchen staff like a Sesame Street character?
They are both COOKie monsters
96. How is the kitchen like a rifle?
Both have open ranges
97. What is the favorite 1970s disco song of kitchen staff?
Do the chef-le
98. If Leon gave the assistant cook a mink robe, what would it be?
A Connie Fur
99. What do you call judgment handed down from a director?
UN fair
100.Why are directors, cooks, maintenance, TP, and commissioners so PUNctual?
Because they are Untime
And Finally…
101. What has your mind become after reading 707 of the world's worst
scout camp pun?
PUnthinkable
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